Sitting across from a good friend at a regular catch up, I filled her in on the latest in my life. My second covid vaccination symptoms, my son’s first appointment, my upcoming hotel stay for my birthday with a friend, and my new ring, to name a few. She updated me on the various appointments in her life, travel plans and car issues. We discussed the menu, reminisced over a divine cheesecake we had at a café a few months back and laughed over her accidentally dropping some custard into my water.
After some time, conversation steered towards the kids, as our chats tends to do, and then expanded to parents, siblings and other extended family. I asked about her relative in hospital, and she asked about my Father’s Day plans, and shared her own. All very normal chit chat.
After we left that day, I popped a reminder in my phone to follow up on a medical issue she was having, and when Father’s Day rolled around, I said I hoped her car issues were resolved in time to get around to the various places. She responded by asking me what my plans were. Although we already covered that, I repeated my plans and we signed off and arranged to catch up again the following week.
When the catch up rolled around, just after Father’s Day, my friend again asked me what I did for Father’s Day! And again, I just told her, and listened to how her day went. I let it go, assuming she brought it up in order to actually talk about what happened with them rather than hear about my less than thrilling plans once again.
Later in the conversation she asked if I intended to get vaccinated, and I told her that I had already been vaccinated. She asked me about my symptoms, and I repeated them. She asked if I planned to get the kids vaccinated when they were eligible. Internally rolling my eyes, I reminded myself that she has a lot on her plate at the moment and can’t be expected to retain silly little details of my life. Which is true, right?
Except this is common with this friend. She is funny and engaging and I enjoy our time together, but she is also self-involved, and one of these types of people who hears you when you talk but is never actually listening, not really. I am more of an audience for her than a reciprocal conversation. As I am a willing audience, because her life does tend to be more interesting than my own, I let it go.
Initially I thought this friend was wonderful because she asked all the right questions and was so warm and engaging and fun. It took a while for me to realise that everything isn’t what it seems and much of it was little more than lip service. I won’t lie, it was a disappointing realisation, and it took many experiences like this to accept the reality of the situation.
Initially I found it hard to enjoy our friendship after that and it seemed entirely one sided, however I also always seemed to have fun in her company. We enjoyed similar foods and activities, and we laughed a lot. And she valued me because I do listen to her, actively. And I had to acknowledge that she was not going to change. I had to accept her and our friendship the way that it was. I had to stop believing she was listening even when she asked me questions, and know that was her way of introducing a new topic she wanted to discuss.
After I accepted this about my friend, and stopped expecting her to actively listen, 2 things happened. The first was the sense of disappointment disappeared. I was once again able to enjoy her company, and the show she was putting on for my entertainment. The second was that I learned the value of a more light hearted friendship. To tolerate less deep and meaningful conversation, and to really understand the mismatch between levels of connection, and how they develop.
I read once that under 50 percent of best friendships are reciprocated (or something like that.) Meaning that the person you consider a best friend is highly unlikely to consider you theirs, even if they don’t tell you that to your face. Which they usually don’t, because, well, awkward! Haha
My friend considers me a best friend, because she can share with me on a deeper level when she feels the need, and I relate to much of what she is saying. I can validate her feelings and reassure her, and yet we can have a laugh often. I understand what it is that makes me a best friend of hers. However, I honestly think she would be shocked and offended to find I do not feel the same way. Because she tries to be a best friend. She has all the right words, but they are empty.
At the end of the day, her actions speak the truth. Because actions always speak louder than words. And that is the truth. It isn’t always obvious when someone isn’t listening, because they appear to be engaging. But first impressions can be deceiving. Pay close attention. Pun intended!
I am not insinuating that my friend doesn’t care about me. I know without a doubt that she does. I know if I needed someone or something I could turn to her for help, she would come and pick me up at midnight if I needed it. She is in no way a bad friend. She is consistent, fun, affectionate and loyal. And she keeps a secret right? Haha
What I am saying is that I had to accept my friend as she is and not hold her inability to listen to me against her. I have to acknowledge that she tries, she wants to hear me and that is why she asks in the first place. Same as she has to accept that I am not the acts of service friend. I won’t lend money and more often than not I won’t watch the kids. If she held that against me, that would be a real shame, because those traits are unlikely to change either.
True friendship is accepting each other and enjoying what each of you DOES bring to the table and politely overlooking what they don’t, even when it irritates you. It is lowering your expectations, and maybe, to an extent your investment. Not necessarily in them as a person but in them being exactly what you want a “best friend” to be or what qualifies as one.
I am honoured to be my friend’s best friend, and even if I don’t attach the same label to it as she does, it doesn’t mean I value her any less because of that. It means this is a perfect example of why we need at least 5 best friends, rather than expecting one to meet every need.
Hearing is not the same as listening, hearing is a sense, listening is an action. Your friendships might not depend on it, but the quality of them might. If you want it to be reciprocal, make sure your actions back up what you hear to prove you listened.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
