In the last 2 weeks we talked about the male female friendship dynamic. Somewhere in that last one, I casually dropped that one of the males in question happened to be gay! While that particular fact about him specifically does not warrant a whole blog post, the hetero female and homo male friendship certainly warrants discussion!
I watched Will and Grace. Although that is an outdated reference I guess these days, it is becoming increasingly common for homosexuality to feature in mainstream media, and the loveable flamboyant gay male best friend is a favourite! As it is my only reference, I was curious to explore how this dynamic impacted the relationship between my friend and her gay boy friend!
Disappointingly perhaps, but more interestingly, her friend is butch. I don’t know if that is the correct term, as I am drawing on terminology more widely used in the female queer community. In order to avoid offense perhaps I should clarify what I mean by that. I mean her friend is masculine. I don’t like to say it this way, but what I suppose I am getting at is that you might not know he was gay if you hadn’t been told. Not that there is anything wrong with any way a person expresses themselves, however the characters in media tend to have a flamboyant quality that is less obvious in my friend’s gay boy friend.
To be clear, I am calling him boy friend because he is a boy and he is her friend. Just an amusing play on words, not to insinuate that they are in any sort of asexual relationship, although aren’t all friendships really asexual relationships of sorts? I think so, but I am aware that this is an unpopular or uncomfortable opinion for most. Anyway, I digress.
My friend thinks everyone needs a gay guy best friend in their lives. This factor contributes to the easy affection between them both with no confusion over meanings or boundaries. Because I am queerer and curious, I asked my friend if she would be as comfortable holding hands with a hetero female friend in the same manner. (Assuming the answer would be yes, because there is also no pressure or confusion I presume if both women are strictly heterosexual.) Interestingly she answered me no, that this would feel foreign and uncomfortable for her, the fact that this person was male was important, although she later went on to say she doesn’t see gender with her friends. I beg to differ. On a side note, I also wonder, if she would feel uncomfortable holding hands with a female friend on the basis of lack of attraction due to homophobia or orientation, why does he feel comfortable with her on the same basis? I think society has much to answer for here.
Anyway, this bond she shares with her gay boy friend seems to be the perfect balance for her. He is just emotionally in tune enough to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. They speak on the phone every week if not more, regardless of how much time they actually spend. This goes a very long way to keeping the friendship alive in of itself. He is masculine enough however not to become offended if they have not spent time together, and when they do, they seem to be able to read one another well enough to know how to provide just the right level of affection or reassurance or friendship.
I doubt that they delve much into the heavier topics of life, but the point is not whether they do as much as whether they can. And I think they can, if need be. My friend expressed this person knows her in a way most people don’t. He is in tune with her, knowing when she needs a ittle extra flirtation or when she needs a little extra space.
He knows that she suffers social anxiety, much of which is appearance based, and when to offer a flirtatious compliment or offer to hold her hand proudly as her plus one. She commented that he is easy going, in that he does not get upset if she wears the wrong thing. This surprised me too because in the media, the gay best friend is always offering fashion advice and letting the woman know if her outfit could use some tweaking. I personally have told her what outfits I think highlight her best assets or downplay problem area’s and have been open about outfits I feel are less flattering. Here I was thinking I was doing her a favour, when perhaps she was not interested in my opinion on her appearance…. Acceptance “as they are” appears to be more important. Noted. Lol
She can turn to this particular friend if she happens to need his more naturally blessed strength, or for erecting that high shelf, and later reaching things on it. She can easily allow him more space than an actual boyfriend, without feeling needy or abandoned. She can also tolerate his relationships without feeling jealous or replaced in any way. Not that this is a frequent issue, as it appears to me, they are happier with each other and being single than either of them seems to have been in any romantic entanglement.
But what stands out to me most, about both my friend, and her gay boy friend, is that neither of them subscribes to gender stereotypes, nor sexuality ones. They appear to both have a moderate amount of masculine and feminine traits and meet in the middle in some kind of common ground. In the media these friendships tend to portray the “ideal man” who is basically very effeminate. Which plays into the idea that femininity is superior. (Which would be why the fan base is so largely female) The media also focusses widely on toxic masculinity. However, we hear little of women being encouraged to embrace their masculinity.
I asked my friend if she saw her gay boyfriend as one of the girls, or if he saw her as one of the boys, or any such combination of things and she said that they didn’t see gender. (Which turned out to be untrue,) however I knew what she meant. They can be themselves with each other. They can escape the pressure to be completely one or the other and to conform to the norms associated. She can express her love of video games and pizza and he can talk about emotions or be loving and affectionate without feeling like a predator.
Although it might feel foreign to those of us more extreme on the gender identity spectrum, perhaps if we embraced more traits of each other, we could all meet in the middle and get along much better after all? Then perhaps gender and sexuality would finally be non-issues for friendships. On the other hand, what would I write about then? Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
