Happy New Year Friends! This year I want to remain open to newer connections for friendship. Now that the kids are gaining more independence, and I have left the workforce, my opportunity for meeting new people is getting smaller or harder to stumble upon less purposefully. However, a few months back, a fellow blogger, Claire from www.datingsidekick.com reached out and shared an article of hers with me about Stashing. (Click the link to read it, it’s awesome and relatable.)
Stashing is another recent dating phenomenon, closely related to ghosting, gas lighting and orbiting etc….. It is kind of like an affair I suppose, in that it appears you are essentially a hidden aspect of their life. Nobody who knows them would know you exist, there is almost no trace of you at all in their life…. While this is uncommon in platonic pairings, it isn’t completely unheard of.
Essentially, there are only 2 real reasons I can think of, romantically or platonically that would explain the situation…. Either there would be negative consequences for one or both of you should your friendship be discovered, such as strict workplace rules around dating colleagues, or forbidden matches such as doctors and patients becoming too personal and causing a blurred boundary. It might be something less formal but equally discouraged like 2 employees of rival companies for example. The less attractive reason would be that one or both of you is ashamed of the other. They do not feel like the people in their lives would accept you. Maybe shame isn’t always the right word for it. Say you are of a particular race or religion and one’s usual circle tends to be discriminatory against whatever category you fall into, it wouldn’t fit to say that they are ashamed of you exactly, but true none the less that it may feel true even if it isn’t quite accurate from their perspective.
I can’t say I encourage these pairings, it is damaging and triggering to the person being hidden. Added to which if you are doing something you cannot be open and honest about, that is usually a pretty good indicator that you shouldn’t be doing it, or that you should at least respect that person enough to show them that you do own it! Whatever IT is.
For further signs, reasons or possible explanations, do refer to Claire’s post. I don’t think either of us need to tell you what to do about it, but Claire basically said it in her post and I will say it again here….. You teach people how to treat you. You cannot continue to allow this behaviour if you want it to stop. You deserve better. And all the other stuff Claire says!
I don’t need to write a huge piece about it, because Claire has already covered that. What I did want to add is that I can understand that this secrecy adds an illusion of greater intimacy. You are sharing a naughty secret, and overlooking that the secret is you! (Or someone you profess to care for.) The forbidden fruit is not a new concept, and although it is less common in friendships than relationships it is still easy to get caught up in, particularly if you have low self-esteem.
Friends are meant to be the people who lift you up, who cheer you on, who are proud of you even if you are different, loud or embarrassing. That does not mean you have to be actively involved in their life in all the ways. As a friend, you may not always meet the family or work colleagues. Although the longer you are friends the more likely it is that these things will naturally happen anyway. You may not always connect on social media, for whatever reason. But if someone never wants to go out in public with you, or constantly makes excuses as to why you have to be isolated in their world and doesn’t want to integrate you into any part of their lives even if they are happy to take up space in yours, then Claire is right. You’re being used.
And that is just as rampant in friendships as relationships…. Maybe even more so! It is not ok. If your feelings tell you that you are being used, regardless of how much your head tries to talk you out of believing it or how much the other person denies this, trust your gut!
From the awesome Facebook page of Melanie Tonia Evans at https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
Anyway, the point of this post wasn’t stashing, it was making new friends. So although I was hesitant and a bit slack in offering Claire the support she requested, this is part of my new year’s resolution to make new friends, and be open to new connections the universe brings my way. In her communication to me, Claire seemed like a genuinely funny and warm person, and I really enjoyed hearing from her. (I admit she had to pester me a bit to make this happen!) Sorry about that Claire. If you like this post, I hope you will reciprocate the sentiment and write a post directing your awesome readers to my posts too. But more than that, I would love to hear from you again.
Maybe we can help each other, or maybe not, but the offering of friendship is there regardless! Thanks for getting in touch and I wish you great success!
This year, I will join a friendship swiping app, reach out to more people online, perhaps take a class or join a hobby group and whatever other ways I can think of and report back on the success or failure of these pursuits to make new friends. I might even go back to the café where I met a delightfully charming older gentleman writing a movie. Keeping an open mind will be key!
What are your resolutions this year? To be fair, even without them, surely this year has to be better than the last? Out with the old and in with the new! Ok, bad advice for friendships but 2020 was truly toxic!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
image from https://joygoesnatural.tumblr.com/page/3