I see the tears welling in my daughter’s eyes as she yells at me “It’s not fair! You promised!” Her words are angry, but it’s easy to see her little heart is breaking. You see, I said she could play with her best friend after school on Friday’s and this week, her friend can’t make it. Naturally, I didn’t “promise” that things like this would never happen, but I do understand how valuable these play times are to her. It’s sometimes easy to forget how powerless children feel to get the things that they want, and remember only how simple and blissful it was to shoulder none of the responsibility of decision making and consequences.
Anyway, my point, is that although I didn’t promise my daughter, we did make an agreement and this time I was unable to fulfil it. I hated disappointing her, and I hate disappointing others too. If I say I will do something, I try my best to do it. To be reliable. It would be fair to say, that because of this commitment to follow through with the things I say I will do, I am cautious about what I offer, and carefully consider the plausibility and consequences of any agreements I make. I am willing to bet MOST people are pretty similar?
Of course, we probably all have that one friend who agrees to everything without thinking it through and usually flakes until you learn to stop asking for anything important. And many of us also have a friend who takes on everything, too much even, often at her own mental expense. However, for the most part, I think it would be fairly safe to assume that people don’t deliberately let each other down. While we rarely make promises as adults, we do make assumptions all the time. If past behaviour is the best predictor of future behavior, it feels safe to rely on someone you have always relied on in the past.
This is where things get tricky. Say for example you work 3 days a week, and to save on child care costs, you turn to family and friends for support. Your mother watches the baby Monday’s, the baby’s father’s mother watches the baby Friday’s and your best friend watches the baby on Wednesdays. This has been working for you for over a year. Except now your baby is 2 and getting into everything. Your best friend sits you down and tells you she has been asked to volunteer in the school canteen on Wednesdays from now on, so she will no longer be able to help you….
The title of this blog pertains to broken hearts. When our hearts are broken, the grief cycle kicks in….
For a start, this news will probably come as a shock. Because you had always relied on her before. Denial will be brief. Then bargaining may start to take hold, with you justifying that any of the other parents could volunteer, why does it have to be your friend? Couldn’t she volunteer another day? Cue anger. Why didn’t your friend refuse the position? It doesn’t pay any money. She has a commitment to you. She has never showed any interest in volunteering at the school before? Depression comes next. Maybe she just doesn’t value your friendship? You thought she loved watching your child. You thought she loved you and your child. She obviously doesn’t care about you or what you are going to do now….. The last stage is acceptance. In this scenario, you wont reach that until you find an alternative solution to your problem. The longer it takes you to reach acceptance, the less chance there is that the friendship will survive. This is basically true regardless of the scenario, so acceptance is key.
In the above example, nobody promised anybody anything, nobody owed anybody anything, and both perspectives are valid. The idea that breaking a promise is wrong, is unhelpful. There are many circumstances in which breaking a promise is the right thing to do, if not the only thing. When we focus only on the broken promise, we fail to recognise all the other factors and circumstances that influenced the outcome. Put simply, none of us like to be told no, to feel helpless or to be let down, and a period of grief, however small scale will always be the result.
Others may view this as an adult tantrum, however we are all entitled to how we feel. Instead of focusing on the broken promise, we would be better to remember a time when we had to let someone down. Sadly it is unavoidable. We need to acknowledge that while nobody likes to feel let down, similarly nobody likes to feel like they let someone down. The quickest way to mend the broken heart is to acknowledge to yourself, and to the other person “I understand. I know you wouldn’t let me down if you didn’t have to. Thanks anyway.”
Not only does this highlight to the other person that you are understanding and forgiving, it demonstrates that you trust you can still rely on them and trust their positive intent towards you. It also remind you that your friend didn’t make the choice lightly and although you may not understand a valid reason for letting you down, that she has to put her own needs first, and for whatever reason she needed to let you down. Acceptance comes much quicker when you don’t try and understand the reasons behind another person’s choices. Easier said than done, I know!
In answer to my question, do broken promises lead to broken hearts, I think the answer is… yeah, sometimes they can. But only if we look at them as promises, instead of expectations and assumptions. If you assume someone let you down because they didn’t care about you, you are probably breaking their heart too.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
