1. Acknowledge that BLAME is UNHELPFUL.
Regardless of what the other person says, or what your mind is trying to tell you, it was not your fault that someone betrayed you. The nature of human psychology seems to be one that would like to blame oneself for situations, in an attempt to learn from them and therefore not get hurt again in the same manner. (Hence this blog was born! Lol) However, happiness is knowing that what other people say and do is a reflection of themselves and not of you. It is entirely possible, and in my experience, highly probable, that it actually had very little to do with you. Although it has indeed affected you, that does not mean it was intended to hurt you. Most betrayals are examples of carelessness at its finest! Which means you should be forgiving and understanding and not blame the other person either.
I KNOW!!! Seriously though… Blame is unhelpful, and puts you in a victim mentality. In most cases a betrayal happens when the other person finds themselves in an unexpected predicament where they fail to consider that what they are doing is infact a betrayal – at least until after the event. This is true whether they confessed to you afterwards or continued the betrayal in some way. It is much easier to forgive someone if you acknowledge that their intention was not malicious, even if it was inconsiderate. It is easier to forgive someone for being selfish, inconsiderate or careless than for an action. If they have apologized, that is all they can actually do, the rest is up to you. If you wish to repair trust, then it is important to hold onto positive images of this person as a whole and acknowledge that they do not wake up each day asking how they can hurt someone. Most people would always rather not hurt someone, I’m willing to bet that your friend is no different. (If you disagree, you should not be friends with them.)
2. Know the difference between thoughts and feelings.
You might say “I feel I cannot trust this person.” But the truth is, you think you cannot trust them. You feel scared and anxious about getting hurt again. Forgiving and trusting are choices we make by changing our thoughts. If you continue to think negative thoughts about your friend, you will continue to feel negatively about them. If you make a conscious effort to have positive thoughts about your friend, your feelings will become positive again, in time. By choosing to think of their positive traits, the good memories you have shared and staying in the present moment with them (to create more positive memories) instead of staying stuck in what they did and how hurt you felt, you are choosing to move the friendship forward. This can be achieved if you have talked it out or not. Sometimes you cannot understand the reasons, or cannot get them to understand how hurt you are. This does not have to be a deal breaker. If you choose to move on from your pain, to stop thinking about it, or their reasons, you will be happier. Think of how you want things to be, and work towards that. (Use the weight loss analogy. Is it helpful to sit on the couch and blame yourself for gaining weight, or your partner for bringing you food? Or is it helpful to start changing what you eat and go for a walk? Which will lead you to the outcome you desire? Just like with weight loss, start small and let it happen over time!)
I know from personal experience how hard this step can be. After a reconciliation with a friend I felt the need to discuss what had happened between us to cause us to fall out in the first place. My friend was not so keen. Apologies had already been made, so what more could be done? Talking about it would only have dragged us back to that place and reopened the wound. I am thankful that I recognised “I don’t feel I want to talk about it. I think I want to talk about it, but I know talking about it will make us both feel bad. After a few months the need to talk about it subsided as we created new memories and I relaxed into our friendship again. I could get hurt again, but worrying about it wont change that, it will only remove the pleasure in right now. Which flows nicely into my next point….
3. Trust in YOURSELF that you WILL BE OKAY however this works out.
You cannot control the outcome of this, all you can do is know that this person has betrayed your trust once before. If you trust this person again, it is possible you may get hurt again. If you trust someone else, they may also hurt you. However, you do know that you survived the betrayal, and should it happen again, you will be just fine. You must have enough personal security to know that. You do not need this other person. You are choosing to stay, you are not stuck. To loosely quote Pink “Try”
“Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’re gonna die!”
N.B: If there is violence, stalking, mental, emotional, sexual or physical abuse involved, you cannot trust this person. You must leave. Stop googling this and make a plan for your safety. Seek professional assistance in all avenues required.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
