It isn’t fun for me to acknowledge that there has been more than one friendship I have ended. This post is for you!
I know at least some of you think of me and you are confused and sad. There was probably some ambiguity over who exactly ended our friendship, but in my heart of hearts, I know you feel it was me. One thing is for certain, even if you walked away, I did let you go.
Something that has come from this is an understanding that was lost on me before now. Just because we are no longer friends, please don’t allow that to tarnish what we did share. You were important to me. I valued you. I cared about you. I loved you. I still do. I want you to be happy even if I won’t be there to share in it with you.
I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. I remember all the times that I myself have agonized over an ended friendship, wondering what I did, when it started, how I could fix it…. Why the friend in question suddenly hated me? The thing is, I don’t hate you. I like you. That’s why we were friends to begin with.
It’s difficult to explain then why our time ended. I know you have been over the events leading up to our ending in your head, searching for clues but only coming to the conclusion that you did everything right, and your mind is convincing you that I am evil and you are the helpless victim. Or worse, you are thinking of all the things I did for you and how much you valued me and blaming yourself for not being good enough for me, for failing me, and trying to accept that you’ll never have true friends.
You will. You’ll have friends way better than me. Friends that fight for you, friends that don’t let you go. You will have some that last the rest of your life, some that fade away to nothing and some that you will end, directly or indirectly. You probably already have ended some, if you’re honest. Which is hard, isn’t it. Owning up to the fact that you hurt people who probably didn’t deserve it.
I have been in your shoes. I have been abandoned by friends and it has hurt me to my core, so I know exactly what I have done to you. Most of you have struggled with friendships just as much as I have, and that only makes it worse. I’m sorry. Really I am. There were so many little reasons I felt I had to go, but none of them were because you weren’t good people. Every single one of you has so much good to offer, and under different circumstances, perhaps we will offer each other friendship again in the future. Except that you hate me now?! Lol In time that will fade. I hope. Perhaps we wont ever be friends again, that is ok too. Even if we never are, just know, there is a place in my heart that is yours alone and filled with happy memories of you.
I still think of you. I still have pictures of you and I smile when I look at them. You were an important part of my journey and I will always remember you… fondly. No matter what happened between us. I am glad we knew each other, thankful for what you taught me and hoping that you have found happiness.
I have now learned an important friendship, and life lesson. What brings us together is almost always situational, as is what tears us apart. The good news is that situations change all the time, as do things that mattered. Anger and hurt fade, if you let them. Please do. Not for me, but for you!
Even if I was angry at you, the chances are, I’m not anymore. I know you aren’t there yet. I know this will hurt you for a while longer, but my last request of you as my friend is to let me go. Emotionally. If I had to go, don’t hurt and blame yourself. Know it was something I had to do for myself, it was no reflection on you or us, and what we had was real. Know that I didn’t enjoy hurting you and it wasn’t easy for me to let you go either.
If you must blame someone, by all means go ahead and blame me. I did hurt you. I know I did. Still, you should know how unhelpful blame is. It keeps you where you don’t need to be. In similar circumstances I have often wished the person in question could understand just how much they had devastated me, broken my heart and crushed my soul by walking away from me. So the gift I give you is to acknowledge it. I DO know how much I hurt you. I’m so sorry. I hope you can accept that it hurt me too. That I do miss you. I miss knowing what’s going on in your life, if you’re ok. I see things I want to share with you and things that remind me of you. Your name comes up in conversation, and it’s painful to remember, oh that’s right, we aren’t friends anymore.
Still, just because it is painful, and what we had mattered, doesn’t mean it should or could continue. For now anyway. There is beauty in letting something be what it was, and then letting it go. Maybe it will be again, maybe it wont. Just know we will both be ok either way. Better than that, we will both be happy! I hope you already are.
Your Best Friend ForNever