Warm but not welcoming

I have a friend who is actively looking to increase her social circle, which she noted had become quite small somehow over the years. She put this down to some turbulence in her somewhat recent past, however now that is passed and her life is more stable and settled, she is ready to rebuild and renew herself.

Regardless of their reasons, I encourage people to be more mindful and aware and active in their pursuit of friendships, to take stock of past patterns and influences in your life and to aim to be better. To be more open and to invite more people into your world, in gentle, warm and welcoming ways.

Typically all it takes is a bit of effort to reach out and show interest, and then the other party has the option to reciprocate or politely decline. However, what my friend is finding, in her experiences of reaching out to people in a bid for friendly conversation is that the response is neither positive, nor negative. Instead it sits in warm, neutral territory, which is somewhat confusing.

Naturally, friendships evolve. I don’t think you can just start messaging someone on social media and immediately think you have found a friend. On the other hand, you can usually tell if that interest in connecting and conversing is mutual, and most people who are disinterested may just leave you on read and not respond at all, but it can be harder to read responses that are warm, but not welcoming.

What I mean by this, is that the person in question may answer your message, addressing the points you raised, but not leave much room for you to respond in turn. They might thank you for the compliment you offered as a gateway into conversation and mention the happenings at your mutual workplace or church or place of study, but not ask you any follow up questions or introduce new topics of conversation for you to continue on with.

My friend had reached out to someone in her church community, someone on the same volunteer roster as her. This person had really performed well in the task and was a Facebook friend of my friend, however they hadn’t really ever actually talked in person. My friend saw this as a person with potential common interests, values and beliefs and someone with whom a connection may authentically grow if she planted the seed.

As they had never spoken in person before, she decided to message this person first, as it felt less confrontational and intrusive, and because my friend does suffer from anxiety sometimes, online is the way she feels more comfortable connecting first. Before her and I met, she asked for an email correspondence from me, to get a feel for our connection. It is just how she is. Must be that inner writer in her.

Anyway, my friend messaged to say she had been impressed with this person’s performance recently, and apologized that they had never got the chance to interact in person yet, with them both always being busy with their respective duties, but she wanted to reach out and let this person know they have not gone unnoticed nor unappreciated within the team. She then offered a personal tidbit about a hobby/side hustle of hers, in the hopes that the other person would take the social cue and follow up with a question about said hobby. She signed off to have a good week and she would see them at church again soon.

The person read and responded to the message in a timely manner and agreed that things get so hectic during volunteering that nobody has much time for general chit chat and thanked my friend for taking the time to reach out. She said she appreciated the words of encouragement and it was nice to know people were paying attention. And she signed off telling my friend to also have a good week. So my friend was left questioning if she should bother approaching this person or if the lack of questions or further space for conversation was a polite rejection. She wondered if she should have mentioned any of the interests of the person that she has seen on social media, or if that would seem nosey or intrusive, given that the information had never been offered to her directly from the other churchgoer.

And I couldn’t help but wonder if this is the pitfall of messaging and online communication. It seems unlikely to me that had my friend approached this other member in person and said the exact things that she messaged about, the person in question would not have commented on her interesting hobby. And if she had, that opens up more avenues of sharing and opportunities for connection. But in an online world, people don’t feel as awkward about skipping over things and don’t necessarily put in the effort.

I told my friend it is possible this person isn’t really interested in a connection, however not to give up just yet. To be brave, introduce yourself in person now that you have conversed online and ask an open-ended question, that is still not too invasive or forceful, such as asking how long they have been a member at said church.

Sometimes it is just easier to tell in person how interested someone is or isn’t, as you can read body language and hear tone of voice and facial expressions. But then again, due to social conventions, maybe in person they are forced to be more polite. So my theory is once you have reached out online, then tried again in person, continue to be friendly to the prospective new friend, but not pushy. Be cordial and say hello on passing etc…, but let them make the next move. Give them the space to approach you and reciprocate the effort. If they do not, you have your answer.

And that’s ok! It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like you if they don’t appear to be interested in connecting with you further on a more personal level, they might not have time in their lives for new friends, might be going through something or just don’t think you have enough in common to sustain a connection. You don’t need to know the reasons why or fixate on it. But what should you do instead?

Keep on being warm and friendly and welcoming to others and see who is reciprocating! Grow small talk slowly and don’t overshare, don’t pressure people or come across as desperate, as this will only make them suspicious of your intentions. Give people 2 or 3 chances to reciprocate incase they are shy or were uncertain about your own desires for connection, and if they don’t take the bait, politely move on.

Before you know it, your welcome mat will be dirty from all the new comers, but it does take time and patience. Practice makes perfect….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Years Friesolutions!

Welcome to 2024 readers! Thanks for sticking with me! In true new years style, I wanted to make 10 new years friesolutions to be a better friend this year. Who is with me? Friesolutions are just like normal resolutions but they revolve around our friends and the ways we relate to them on a day to day basis.

1.      Active listening

I wanted to start with active listening because I have to admit that I caught myself a few times last year waiting for an opening to speak, thinking about speaking instead of really listening to what my friends were sharing with me. I noticed a few occasions where I had forgotten an important appointment or celebration in their lives and once reminded I felt terrible about having not remembered to follow up on this detail and leaving people I care about feeling uncared for.

2.      Staying Present

This one is an obvious follow on from the last, because with technology like the smart watch, it is so hard to stay present with people and not get distracted by the notifications constantly pinging away at my wrist. At times these completely draw my mental energy away from the person I am with and I tune out and lose track of conversations that have been at times meaningful or important and my lack of attention makes us both lose momentum and it becomes a missed opportunity for connection.

3.      Don’t Take Things Personally

This has been one I have struggled with, despite it basically being the whole point of the blog. People get busy. They read your message and then forget to reply sometimes. People have other responsibilities and other demands on their time and their mind, and it isn’t realistic to expect to always be a priority for everyone. People have other relationships and as a good friend we should support and allow room for these other relationships to grow and flourish with our friend just as our own did.

4.      Be Patient and Forgiving

This one comes after not taking things personally, because sometimes things are personal and we do get hurt. There are only so many unanswered messages a person can send before feeling rejected, or sometimes our friends do let us down more directly. So it is important to keep in mind your own imperfections and show your friends some grace when they mess up. If you would hope they would show you patience and understanding when you mess up and accidentally let them down, you have to be willing to do the same for your friend in return. Which brings us nicely to our next point.

5.      Maintain Positive Regard

Sometimes after you feel rejected or hurt in some way, it changes the way you see that person. In extreme cases it can have you rewriting your entire narrative of the friendship in the past and questioning if that person was ever really your friend to begin with. This can happen when we lose positive regard for someone, and fail to remember that their intentions probably weren’t to hurt us, even if they clearly acted in ways that would. You have to be willing to look at the bigger picture, and see if you can understand what they were going through and what their motivations may have been to act in less than positive ways, even if they clearly weren’t thinking of how the consequences of their actions would impact you. It doesn’t always mean they didn’t care about you even if it meant they cared about something else more. Humans are selfish by nature sometimes.

6.      Spend More Time Talking.

In a digital world, I feel the amount of in person quality time spent with my friends has decreased, and sometimes it is easy not to notice, because you have seen their updates on social media, or you have sent a few messages here and there. But there is nothing like seeing your people in the flesh and doing something fun together. Really looking into their eyes and talking about life and the things that matter, hugging and actually making time for them. But when you can’t always do that, talk on the phone! I know that sounds crazy to most of us these days who get anxiety when the phone rings and would rather text. But talking on the phone keeps you connected in ways messaging can’t, unless you both have time for long time consuming message chats. Many do not have the luxury of time. Plus, things like tone and laughter are lost over messages.

7.      Match Their Investment.

If someone doesn’t seem all that interested in making a connection with you, that doesn’t have to be a problem or a mystery to be solved. It is ok to keep things casual and let them evolve, or not evolve into something deeper. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who seems less than interested in being your friend, and you don’t have to dislike them as a result. It  is ok to be polite to people, and allow them the freedom to form their own opinions and judgements of you. Chasing people who aren’t all that interested will only make you both feel worse.

8.      Swim With The Current, Not Against It. Resistance Is Futile!

This is one of my biggest struggles with friendships. People flow into your life and the connection is wonderful and secure and close, and you can easily get attached and never want it to change. But inevitably your life, or theirs, will likely at some point deviate and create distance between you. Holding on is futile and a waste of energy. You have to learn to allow them space to go on their own path, no mater how far from yours it takes them. It doesn’t mean you wont or can’t still be close, you can, as long as you find ways to accept the changes and get around them instead of sulking that things aren’t the same. Which I am prone to if I’m being honest. Lol

9.      Be More Authentic and Vulnerable.

Some of my closest friends and I love to laugh. And this is a way to get close to people I haven’t always seen the value in, in my past. However, I have noticed a tendency in these friendships in particular to laugh off things that aren’t necessarily funny because it feels a bit scary to say if something has upset you or you have something more serious to share. I have friends who prefer to be strong and stoic and perhaps see crying for example as a weakness. I have friends who feel safer connecting on negatives than positives. And sometimes it doesn’t feel authentic when I agree with them for the sake of being accepted, when in reality I know they accept me as I am. Or maybe they would if I was actually being who I am instead of being who I think they want me to be.

10.  Know Yourself So Others Can Know You.

Perhaps sometimes we aren’t completely authentic because we don’t know ourselves well enough. So we might not know how we feel about the latest election campaign for example and end up kind of adopting our friends views and going along with them even if it feels a little uncomfortable. Or we might always do whatever they want to do, because we actually don’t know what it is we’d like to do, even if there is resentment building that everything is on their terms or a niggling feeling that you don’t actually really always enjoy doing the things they like to do. It is ok to take up space, make requests for time or activities that you enjoy. But you have to know what your needs are, in order to have them met.

These are my 10 new years friesolutions, do you have any to add? Whatever your resolutions are, or even if you don’t have any, I hope 2024 is your best year yet. Happy New Year Folks! Welcome to infinity and beyond! Can’t wait to see what the year has in store for us all!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

In the end it’s who you loved, not what you loved that matters.

Well readers, as 2023 comes to a close, I can feel a sense of disappointment that my life didn’t change too much in the last 12 months. I can’t say I picked up any new hobbies, or even any new friends. I can’t say I achieved anything earth shattering or changed the world in big or small ways.

But I can say that I was a support person for my son as he embarked on his journey into adulthood in starting his first part time job. I can say that I helped him do his applications for further study paths next year into a field of his choosing. I can say I helped him study for his drivers test and washed his uniform and lovingly packed his dinner for him on nights when he would need to eat in the break room at work instead of with his family. I can say I drove him to work, and rearranged my schedule to be available, and when my husband wasn’t able, I went to pick him up. I can say that I waited up for him to come home to laugh about his shift and share his joys and worries. I can say I got him just the right gifts for Christmas and his birthday because I pay attention to the things he loves. I can say I welcomed his friends into our home and encouraged their friendships to stay strong. I can say I was there to hold his hand when he had a day surgery on his toenail that was incredibly hard to watch let alone feel.  I can say he felt loved by me.

I can say I cheered on my daughter as she studied hard to achieve her goals of getting into accelerated learning. I can say I supported her through her first crush and shared her fears and anxieties and hopes and dreams. I can say I listened to her feedback that her Christmas presents last year were too childish for her about to be teenage self, and tried hard to think of things that would reflect what she loves and the stage of life she is in now. I can say that I kept up to date on the drama in her friendship circle but did not involve myself and still welcomed whoever she chose to invite into our home for sleepovers and girly giggle sessions. I can say I celebrated her awards and achievements and I was there to watch her proudly up on stage. I can say that I nailed her birthday present. I can say that I stock the fridge and freezer with her favourite treats and I let her paint her bedroom bright yellow because it made her happy. I can say I don’t fuss at her about the mess she makes everywhere, particularly her room, because my relationship with her is more important to me than a tidy room. I can say she felt loved by me.

I can say I helped my parents pack for their holiday, checked their mail and their place while they were away and I picked them up from the airport when they returned. I can say I took my husband to Costco for his birthday and fathers day because that is his favourite place to go. I can say that I tune in every Wednesday night to my friend’s radio show, and I give her feedback so that she knows I care enough to listen. I can say that I supported my other friend through her IVF journey, went to appointments and sat alone in waiting rooms for hours and held her hand when the results weren’t what she’d hoped. I can say that I babysat her cat when she went on holiday to get away from it all and I made her a playlist for her travels. I can say I babysat my friends kid when she was in a bind, even though it meant getting up at 3am that day. I can say that I was there for someone who got some really hard news, that I made the effort to consistently check in with her and just be an ear for a much needed vent and cry. I can say that I booked us into a spa she loves to try and help with the stress and I can say that we ate a bit more comfort food than usual because it is what she needed to do. I can say they felt loved by me.

The point of this post isn’t to brag about how awesome I am. The point of this post is to say that we often reflect back at the year passed in a negative context and highlight all the things we didn’t do or achieve, but the reason you maybe didn’t achieve the things you set out to do at the start of the year might be because you were busy loving and caring for the people that need you. The things you do for yourself matter, I am not trying to say that they don’t. If you did all of this and still achieved your goals and dreams then more power to you!

What I am saying is that ultimately people remember how you make them feel, more than what you loved, what you achieved or what you tried to do. So if all you can say for yourself this year is that you loved, that you were a good friend, a good person, then just know, that is more than enough. In the end it is who you loved and how you loved, not what you loved that matters.

If you are still single this year and you hoped not to be, but you had good friends and family around you, then please know that you are loved.

If you feel like you didn’t give enough love this year; that’s ok, there is always next year! We will talk friesolultuons next post!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Last Minute Cheap and Easy Gift Ideas

So, it is the week before Christmas, figuratively and literally and you are down to your last ten dollars and have run out of inspiration, when you realise you have forgotten someone on your list, or that someone has got something for you that you weren’t expecting and now you feel you need to reciprocate. And you need help!

Don’t panic! It’s not too late to come up with something!

My first suggestion is a picture collage. This can be easily done with free apps on your phone. You simply select all the images of you and your friend, or go to their social media and screenshot some photos of them with the people they care about if you don’t have any of yourself with them. Maybe select 10-15 pictures within the last 12 months. Upload them to the app and create a collage. Add some text and stickers and on Christmas morning pop a reminder in your phone to send it to them! Or before if you like. If you do have the time and resources, this can even be printed for low cost at your local diy photo printing station, or even at home on paper, popped in a nice frame and there you have a meaningful, thoughtful, cheap and easy gift.

https://piccollage.com/

But what happens if you have way more than 15 pics you want to use? Easy, there are apps for making these little video’s too, and they are also free. Sometimes your phone will even do it all for you and you just have to download it and send it. You can select a meaningful song or just the general tunes, like upbeat or slow sad tunes and it will play along to a slide show of the images you selected. If it is too big to send, you can get a free compressor app and that usually helps!

If all of that sounds a bit to technical for you, then my next suggestion is to get onto Spotify and create a playlist. It is really really easy to use, you just search for the songs you like, choosing ones meaningful to your friendship, or to your friend and then add them as a collaborator and they will be able to listen to your tunes on Christmas morning. Send it with a heartfelt message and let them know that music has a way of saying all the things you can’t find the words to say yourself.

Moving away from technical gifts, I am a big believer in the regift. Someone gave you a box of chocolates that you wont eat? Wrap it up and give it to someone. Maybe 3 people gave you a bath and body pack? Use one to create a little hamper for a friend with things you already had at home anyway!

If you’re not technical and you don’t have anything to regift, bake something festive and easy like coconut ice or craft them something from home, like a special ornament for the tree. If neither of those are your special gifts, then maybe you could write them something? A letter or a story or something funny?

Failing all of that, find one of those cards that says you couldn’t think of the perfect thing to get  them, so you didn’t get them anything and throw a scratch off card or lotto ticket inside if you can!

Remember it is the thought that counts so just do something for the people you care about to show them that you thought of them and cared enough to make some effort instead of using excuses not to do anything. A gift is a gesture of love, it makes people feel special and worth a little of your time and investment! It can say “You’re worth a lot to me” without being worth a lot of money.

Anyway folks, that’s a wrap on my Christmas posts; wishing you all Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas Friends!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Gift Wrapping With Wine PJ Slumber Parties!

Ok readers, I don’t know about you, but personally  I love getting people gifts, I love carefully selecting them, watching them open it and delight in whatever I bought. And actually, I do quite like wrapping them! However, at Christmas time, this can become an overwhelming task, can’t it?! With so many people to buy for all at once, finding the time, ALONE, to wrap everything is nearly impossible.

It’s not like the world slows down at Christmas, does it? If anything, everything else ramps up a notch too. You have meals to plan, ingredients to buy, parties to attend, deadlines to meet, end of year ceremonies to sit through and travel arrangements to make. You have recipes to research and decorations to hang, and houses to clean. Laundry doesn’t stop either, nor do the day to day chores and bills, so how are you meant to find the time?

I have a solution, and it is FUN. Find someone to watch the kids, arrange to go to whoever’s house wont have spouses and children in attendance for the night and plan a good old fashioned slumber party! Or book a hotel if you have to, or even just if you want to, and you can afford it! Why not?! I know you are probably thinking you are far too old and mature for such silly things, and why would it need to be a sleepover anyway?

It needs to be a sleepover for 2 obvious and important reasons. Firstly is the wine consumption, that way there will be no limits and no drink driving! But secondly, because what you need to do, is load all the gifts into a suitcase, plus some wrapping, labels, tape, cards, ribbons and bows etc…. (and wine, obviously) and throw your pj’s on top. Everyone in the family will have questions if you leave for a dinner party with a suitcase, so this is why it HAS to be a sleepover!

When you get there, you immediately change into your pj’s and pour wine. Then you decide how it is going to work. Will you all help one person at a time to wrap their gifts, because 4 hands (or 6 or 8 or 10!) are better and quicker than 2, or will you each wrap your own gifts individually but together as a group? Will someone else write your Santa tags so the kids don’t recognize your handwriting?

This has many benefits. Firstly, it’s fun, its time with friends away from the family, and it’s productive and cheeky. It always feels like a bit of a rush to do something a bit sneaky like this and get away with it! Secondly, if you still have one or 2 difficult people to buy for, you can see what other people bought for the people in their lives and maybe steal an idea or 2! Thirdly, when you return to the house, the suitcase can be neatly stored away wherever it goes, full of neatly wrapped gifts ready to go and nobody will suspect a thing!

And, one of the best things about it is that it can become a tradition, something you do and look forward to each year together with your friends, and your spouse can’t really complain because you are in fact getting important stuff done (if you let them in on the secret that is. If you think they are a peeker, then you can always say you have agreed to help everyone else.

These sorts of traditions are great for making memories and building on. The purpose may be gift wrapping, but that doesn’t mean you can’t watch cheesy Christmas romance movies at the same time if you want to, or that you can’t go out for a fancy dinner before, during or after the wrapping. Maybe you’ll all play your favourite Christmas song to the others, and dance, or tell stories about your favourite holiday memories. Maybe when it is all done you will take a walk and look at the Christmas lights together, or visit a gravestone of someone special on the other side, or see a show.

If you get lucky, one of your friends might show you one of those cool fancy new ways to wrap gifts, or you could watch youtube videos on it and try to follow along. You could even make it more fun by challenging everyone to research a fancy wrapping technique to show the group!

In the morning you can sober up over coffee and croissants and help with the cleaning up. Just make sure everyone has walked away with their own presents in their own suitcase or Christmas morning could be quite upsetting and stressful!

This tip even works for those of you who do a spot of last minute shopping as long as the slumber party happens 2 or 3 days before Christmas as obviously it can’t be done on Christmas eve, unfortunately.

If this method won’t work for you, then I suggest setting aside a quiet time in the evening when everyone is in bed, one evening a week until Christmas and do Wrapping Wednesdays for example. Maybe the first night you wrap the kids gifts, then the next week you do your partner and or family, then the next your extended friends and colleagues etc….

Not you. Not this year. Not if you’re organised!

And hey, if all else fails, pack all your gifts into the car, go to the shops, bring an empty trolley to the car, load the presents in, and take it to the charity gift wrapping stall. Might be the best thirty dollars you spend, and you can do shopping or have a coffee while you wait! Where there’s a will there’s a way. 

But at the end of the day, friends are there to help and always make things more fun!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas Card Poems For Friends

Have you picked up the dreaded blank card and don’t know how to fill it for your friend this Christmas? This week I threw together 2 little poems for you to use if you are a bit stumped on what to write in your friends Christmas card/message. Feel free to change it up however you like, or see this previous blog post for more handy hints on what to write if poetry is a bit over the top for you!

You’ve been my friend,
Through many seasons,
Seen me laugh and cry,
For many reasons.

Through thick and thin,
We’ve been together,
Our friendship strong,
In any weather.

Another year,
Of friendship passed,
Oh what a year,
It’s gone so fast.

Oh my friend,
It’s been a pleasure,
Yours is a friendship,
That I treasure.

So this Christmas time,
And all year through,
You’re receiving love,
From Me to You xx

What an exciting,
Time of year,
Christmas parties,
Free wine and Beer.

Trees in the house,
And lights outside,
Buy people gifts,
But wrap them to hide.

The world goes mad,
For 25 days,
But for us it is permanent,
Not just a phase!

Of all the gifts,
Under your tree,
None of them compare,
To you and me.

Merry Christmas,
My crazy friend,
Until next year,
When we meet again!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fun Virtual Advent Idea for Friends

Well folks, December is upon us once again, and you know I can’t write anything non Christmas related this month! Haha I do love Christmas. So this month I wanted to share with you a little virtual advent calendar I made for some friends.

It sounds a little strange and perverse, if not perverted, but I have a friend who has always been somewhat fascinated by animal appendages! The weirder the more wonderful. So last year in her advent calendar; which was just a cheap shop bought wooden reusable light up thing with wee drawers she could pull out, I placed a $1 scratchie card folded up with little elastics to make it look like a little present, and underneath that I stuck a QR code to the bottom of the drawer.

I set each QR code with a free online tool to a photo I made on my phone, which I just screen shot from the internet and added text to. So for example, the first text my friend ever sent me, before we were even really friends and I kind of only knew her in a professional context, was an echidna penis. Google it. Very weird! Haha So that obviously had to be in drawer number one with a little caption about that being the first text of our friendship.

https://www.qr-code-generator.com/

I went on to find a 2 pronged one, for number 2 and just kind of found funny ways to relate to the number in the advent card as the calendar progressed. Just silly fun. Obviously a niche market for this kind of thing but you could use anything from pictures of you both together, your top 25 memories together, favourite foods, whatever your friend is into.

Discussing this with some different friends at our pre-Christmas dinner catch up, they were rolling in stitches laughing at the idea and insisted I send it to them too. Not having time to do the whole advent calendar, I just went totally virtual on this occasion and set a reminder in my phone to send them the daily picture which I had in my phone from making it anyway, and sent it to our little group chat for a giggle. They loved it.

I had another friend who really loved music, so for 25 days I sent her a Christmas song, with a little text about the meaning of the song in relation to our friendship (although I had to be creative there, sometimes just the song is enough.

https://open.spotify.com/

You could easily use Gif’s, meme’s, photo’s, music, funny cat videos, inspirational quotes, cute Christmas food ideas or recipes and so many more.

My friend made one for me, with trivia and riddles, she wrapped 25 little gifts for me, each one like a chocolate and a purse sized toiletry, such as tweezers or purse pack perfume or lip gloss or lip balm, nail file etc… all inexpensive. She labelled them 1 to 25 and I had to solve the riddle before I was allowed to open the gift.

You could easily use this idea, or a virtual idea to do maybe a truth or dare version, maybe doing alternate days for truth and dare. Truths could help you get to know them and could be anything from “what is your favourite colour” to “tell me something about you nobody else knows?” Dares could range from easy, for example “send me a picture of you with a toe in your mouth” or more embarrassing like “take an ugly selfie and make it your profile picture for 24 hours.”

The options for fun here are limitless and are as vast  as your imagination. Just remember it is meant to be fun, so don’t stress over it too much, it’s ok if it is silly and imperfect, and it is ok if it is meaningful and sentimental. Whatever fits your friendship works for you.

I have heard of the idea of doing an escape room type of one, which I definitely want to try. You don’t open the numbers in order except for the first one, then each one leads to a riddle which tells you which number to open the following day. It can include small keys, mini scissors locked with suitcase locks, or codes and all sorts of cool things, but I haven’t figured out the logistics of the whole idea of one of these yet and put it to the test. I do plan to do this but as I am away on an international cruise from next week until right before Christmas a more virtual approach will have to do this year. Another bonus! I can easily do this while I am away on holiday to keep the Christmas spirit rolling even though I am not there. If anybody tries this and has success before me, please get in touch with ideas and suggestions or instructions!

What I really love about doing it virtually is that you can include friends from near and far this way. You can create group chats and do it as a group, each taking turns to create something, or you can do as many individual ones as you like without too much effort. All you have to do is think of something your friend likes, google and save the 25 images or links and send one a day!

For instructions click link below

https://www.kapwing.com/resources/make-your-own-digital-christmas-advent-calendar/

It tells your friend you are thinking of them and wishing them well over the holiday season and sending them smiles from wherever you are!

Have fun folks. Let me know your ideas!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the word Friend isn’t big enough but nothing else fits either.

Friendships are relationships. This idea seems to make people feel very uncomfortable but at the end of the day, they are. They are people we relate to and maintain positive regard for. We love our friends. This too makes some people squirm. Because we have no way to categorise this love, separate from that of romantic or familial love. But yet it is distinctly different.

Romantic love encompasses a passion, a level of attraction, and in most cases some forms of physical intimacy. Familial love encompasses a feeling so big, you might die for the other, and a level of security and comfort that perhaps friendship love does not always contain. Familail relationships don’t end. You may disown someone in your family, but that will never stop them from being family. Family is fact. Does that make friendship fiction?

Friendships can start and end spontaneously, and can cause joy and pain just like any other relationship. We seek out this connection more than any other type, on the basis of non monogamy and the freedom to enjoy many aspects of many people at once. We don’t usually expect one friend to meet all our needs and typically certain friends bring about certain aspects of ourselves that other friends do not.

But often times, along the way you meet someone special. Someone so important and big in your life that calling them a friend doesn’t seem big or special or important enough to reflect what they are or what they mean to you. People might assume, they are like family to you, but that doesn’t always fit either, and then there are often assumptions of underlying romantic notions which are also unfounded.

I suppose that is where the term best friend really comes from, another way to express that your friend is special, that the love between you is bigger than any other friendship, deeper, more powerful. But sometimes best friend doesn’t really fit either. Maybe your best friend is someone you see more regularly but this other person is someone you feel drawn and connected to on a soul level?

Soulmates is another term that makes people wrinkle their nose when said in relation to a friendship, so many might use soul sister or use terms like “my person.” These are all ways of basically saying that you have found your favourite person, standing alone as important outside of your other important relationships.

The question is bigger than what term to use to describe this person to others, because at the root of it, what we really want is a way to convey our big feelings and have them reflected back to us and understood and accepted. Not questioned, judged and criticized. If we want this person at Christmas with the family, for example, we want our family to understand, accept and welcome this person instead of question why they would be invited. Or if we want this person to inherit our children in the event of our untimely death, we want to know that our family will embrace and support this person and their journey without us.

Sometimes words just aren’t big enough to describe the weight and depth of our feelings. I could tell you to make up your own words like “frelationship” or I could encourage you to worry less about the words you use and more about the actions you take to demonstrate both to your favourite person, and to the other people around you and them that this relationship takes pride of place in your life, and that it is here to stay if they understand it or not, so they may as well accept it.

In time folks, with patience and perseverance, it will eventually go without saying that you and your person are a bit of a package deal, whether that means just you and them, or you and them and your significant others, or you and them and your family/extended family and their family/extended family.

You don’t have to answer the question of how or why or find language that fits, and sometimes the best and most honest thing to say is that there aren’t quite words to describe the connection, but then again, there never is when it comes to big love.

If you have a person like this in your life, consider yourself luckier than anyone who doesn’t quite understand it, and send wishes for them that they too, will one day find their person. Meanwhile continue living and loving, whoever you love and whatever that means for you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

We aren’t best friends anymore… how do I bring it up?

You probably had a best friend in kindy when you were 4 years old. That person is probably not your best friend today. Neither is your year 7 best friend, nor your secondary school bestie, or your bestie from your first job. Because we grow and change and evolve and our friendships have to do the same.

It’s no longer enough that you both like Mario to keep you close, but that doesn’t mean you are no longer friends either. If you are lucky, some of the best friends you have had along the way are very much still friends. Just the best bit has mutually fallen from your language as you both understand the closeness you once shared has naturally dissipated as you gravitated towards other people with more in common, or more availability.

It usually doesn’t even mean that you like your old bestie any less than you did before, they are still awesome and still make you laugh or know just what you need to hear because they have known you forever and they get you at a core level sometimes. This is what pulls us back to our past, the strong connections we formed as youngsters full of innocent acceptance, trust and curiosity.

However sometimes, the dropping of the word best from the friendship title isn’t exactly mutual. And it can feel like pressure, or make you feel terribly guilty when a friend calls you their best friend when the sentiment is no longer reciprocated. Should you tell them? Is it wrong to go along with the pretense that you are still best friends when that is not authentically how you feel? Do they hold unreasonable expectations you cannot fill based on this high ranking friendship status? Should you tell them if you feel “best friends” is a term children use and you don’t believe in such a ranking system as an adult?

Actually, I don’t advise it. When someone calls you their best friend, they are describing your position in their life. You do not need to reciprocate, but if this person is your friend, it seems cruel and unnecessary to point out that you feel their values on this are childish or that you stopped being best friends long ago.

Think about your friendship. If your friend still refers to you as a best friend, they are saying they value your friendship just the way it is. They are not necessarily expecting any more from you than you are already offering and out of all the friends they have, perhaps they still like or value you the most. You are allowed to feel good about that and understand this terminology is used to express their gratitude and feelings of love towards you, not to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable.

And let’s not forget that this isn’t even always about you. Some people use the term best friend to describe one hierarchical pairing, while others use the term as a catch all for all their close friends. I know many people who will still say “Leila, my best friend from Kindy” although it is unclear if Leila is still their best friend, or was only their best friend in Kindy, it really doesn’t matter.

If you enjoy your friendship with someone who calls you a best friend, then I say, keep on enjoying it. What’s the harm? I know not correcting them can feel like a lie or an omission, but that is only true if you consider that a best friendship needs to be reciprocal and not a label that they get to decide where you fall in their life, not you.

Sure, you don’t have to sign their next birthday card “with love from your bestie” but it doesn’t hurt to focus on what positives you do feel, such as that you are grateful for their friendship! If you aren’t sure what to say when it comes up in conversation, like when Jane says “Karen, I am so glad you are my best friend!” Instead of saying thank you, you can reciprocate without using such strong language and say “I’m so glad too that we have stayed close over the years, your friendship is meaningful to me too. Thank you.”

If you don’t want to hurt your friend and the friendship, I think the answer is not to bring it up and just pat yourself on the back for being such an awesome friend!

But if that advice really really doesn’t sit well with you and you feel a pressing need to address the issue, please be gentle. Because it could feel like a rejection which, if you are still friends, it shouldn’t be. Nor should it feel like an accusation of immaturity. So you could try saying that you have so many wonderful friends these days you became conflicted and dropped the word best. Or that you read an article that said the word best in relation to friendships is exclusionary and makes your other non-best friends feel badly about their lesser ranked connection with you, so out of courtesy for everyone you no longer feel comfortable labelling any connections that way.

But what if you do have another best friend, that you do call your best friend, and it isn’t the friend who is calling you their best friend? I think if you have to say anything, perhaps humour is the  way to go. You could say “don’t let Mike hear you call me your best friend, I don’t want any fist fights over me thanks! Haha” This implies that you are using this terminology with Mike, or at least Mike is using it with you. If your friend pushes for more info on how you feel, you can just shrug and say it depends on your mood and how cursed you are to have such wonderful friends to choose from!

Whatever you decide to do, just keep on being the best friend you can be to every friend you have!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Divorce; when 2 become ones.

A few weeks back we discussed changes, before our broadcast was interrupted by Halloween! So getting back onto the topic, I wanted to revisit divorce. Divorce is another major change in a person’s life. Sadly, it is pretty common to lose friends when you go through a divorce. Couple friends may treat you like you are cursed with some disease they don’t want to catch, or just prefer to hang out with other couples, which you are no longer. Or you might have found that somehow all of your spouse’s friends had become your friends and suddenly loyalty reminds you of whose friends they really were.

It’s not all bad news, because often fresh divorcees are ready and willing to explore themselves, rediscover and recreate their identity and with that often comes new people. It can be a confronting but exciting time all at once. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change the dynamics of your social circle and test the loyalties and boundaries you always thought you knew.

Someone in my outer circle; a friend of a friend, has recently ended a 25 year marriage. Her husband felt it was time as the youngest child approaches 18, which is legally an adult here in Australia. The shock hit hard for the wife though. She hadn’t seen it coming while he was implying that he had known for a long time and was merely waiting it out for the kids sakes, while she thought they were happy and planning retirement together. This kind of shock can lead you to question yourself at your core and it is really when you need your friends the most to remind you who you are and that you are good enough.

So my friend’s friend was doubly shocked when her bestie of many years asked “would it be ok if I contact Mr Ex?” Wow. Her friend stated that she had always liked hubby and that she would miss the awesome foursome they had built over the years hanging out with their partners together. To say it stung was an understatement. Never in a million years was wifey expecting this from bestie. She just couldn’t seem to understand.

When wifey complained that Mr Ex wanted to sell the family home from under her, and that he was already hitting the gym and on dating apps, bestie simply said good on him, and advised wifey to do the same, to get on with her life. When wifey complained the kids may live with Mr Ex as he could afford the house and she’d have to move in with her mother, bestie said it was better that she wasn’t alone and the kids were soon to be adults anyway.

Bestie just wasn’t able to show the expected compassion and empathy, and wifey to be honest felt betrayed by the idea that bestie would contact Mr Ex, although she was mature enough not to say so aloud. It seemed as if everyone was on his side, if there were sides and nobody understood her.

That was, at least, until she had a catch up with 2 old friends that were also divorced! Suddenly she felt closer to these old friends she had kind of lost touch with than her best friend of 30 years. But it wasn’t lost on her that she had lost touch with them BECAUSE they were divorced and she probably hadn’t been as understanding and empathetic as they had needed at the time.

The truth is, nobody can really understand what you are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Divorce is one of these life altering changes that blows up everything you thought you knew, and throws you into an alternate reality, forcing you to perhaps see what was always there, but unacknowledged.

Wifey’s expectations of her best friend may not have been realistic. They tended to be surface level, lots of fun and laughter and good times. It was assumed based on constant and consistent time and enjoyment together that this bond would flourish further in hard times, but that simply wasn’t the case. Bestie had also been partnered for a very long time and had never really suffered a heartbreak on this level. Having no kids herself, meant she was unable to relate to the struggles of a single parent going through said heartbreak and trying to keep it together for the kids. And if wifey is a good friend, despite it all, she will forgive her friend and hope she never does understand.

The new connections formed with the other divorced women felt natural and fast. They were able to offer advice about lawyers and finances and dating apps! They shared similar tales and the ways they had coped when they went through it. And they taught wifey some grace. As she apologized to them for not being a good friend when they themselves had suffered as she was now, and explained she obviously just didn’t get it.

Looking at each other and smiling, her 2 new confidants each took one of her hands and told her it was ok. They understood that she couldn’t know what it was like, they didn’t expect her to know and they were sorry that the reconciliation as such was under these circumstances. That they forgave her for not knowing what to say, and for finding it easier to ignore the problem and continue on with her own life blissfully unaware.

So although wifey has been disappointed with the reaction of her best friend, and she knows some more distance will naturally grow there now, she is able to be forgiving and understanding that her friend is not in a place to empathize with her. That she thinks practically not emotionally and always has. That her expectations were not in line with reality.

But that it is ok. Life changes, people change, friendships change. Maybe one day they will be close again, either when wifey is more settled, or when bestie is less settled. It doesn’t have to be sad and bitter. Change brings about some pain, but inevitably it also always brings about some good too. Wifey has finally decided to embrace it, embrace her new friends, and put herself out there again on the apps, for friendship, or something more!

Divorce can divide more than a marriage, but you can decide what the end result of the equation will be. It might change or end some friendships, but it also might bring you some great new or renewed ones. Sometimes you’re surprised by who is really there for you and who isn’t. Just follow your heart and go where the love is.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The dark side of friendship culture and the common enemy.

Happy Halloween folks, hope you had a spooctacular evening! So what better time to discuss the dark side of friendship? Friend. What is a friend really? A friend is a person you like who also likes you. Simple really. But until you met them and got talking, they were just a stranger. You didn’t know they would become a friend. Once they are a friend, you mentally separate them from the pack and put a little more emphasis on their good points. This is all very normal behaviour. But what about the rest of the people in the world who are not friends. If they are not friends, does that make them enemies?

Maybe not to the extreme, but many of us seem to carry a level of distrust and hesitancy about people we do not know. And you can quickly find yourself judging someone else unfairly with someone who is a friend.

Let’s pretend you’re working in an office, and you are sitting with your work wife, (or husband) and a new person walks in. Your partner in crime makes a snide remark about the new person’s hair, and without thinking twice you chime in with a similar tone about their shoes. As time goes on, you find yourselves bonding over this common enemy, without stopping to question if it is warranted. Each of you watches the new person with eagle eyes, picking up mistakes or character flaws, and can’t wait to have a laugh and report back to each other on the latest encounter.

Such a thing happened to a friend of mine recently, and then there was a change around of the office structure, meaning herself and the newbie were put together on a team without work wife. And as my friend got to know newbie, she actually grew to like her and understand her a lot more. It was only then that it had dawned on her that she had been really unkind initially (secretly) and it weighed on her conscience that she could be so judgmental and find sick pleasure in disliking someone for no valid reason.

It got us talking about other times this had happened, and it was something to which I could relate, or times I could remember when I took a disliking to someone based on someone else’s opinions and dealings with a person, without knowing them myself. And what was even more alarming, was that in that instance my friend at the time later did get to know that common enemy and actually quite liked her, it turns out her opinions that she shared with me had been sparked by someone else. So this false negative image of someone was spreading wide and far, and was totally unfair and unfounded.

I am really pleased that my friends tend to be people who are self-aware enough to catch themselves in these sorts of behaviours and challenge themselves to be better, to be fair, to not judge people so quickly next time. I too do try, as I recall starting work at an office and being warned to stay away from a certain colleague and thanking that person for their concern and proudly telling that person I prefer to judge someone based on my own experiences with them and not on the hearsay of others. In that instance, I think I probably would have been wise to listen, but at least I did end up forming my own negative judgements after learning the hard way!

So what is it about the common enemy factor that we find so bonding in the first place? Why do we engage in this toxic high school behaviour? I have to go ahead and imagine that it stems from some form of insecurity and the targets of these unwarranted attacks are in some way a threat to those of us hating on them. In some ways I suppose it serves to tighten the bond we have with our friend so that this interloper cannot penetrate or destroy said bond, and it makes us feel better than them, without directly saying so.

There is also something motivating about having a common enemy, you become a team hoping to take down a common target, united, which feels safer and more secure. American professor, author and podcaster Brene Brown calls this common enemy intimacy.

If you find you are the instigator of negative comments, you have learned to look for negatives in others, to categorise yourself and other people in a negative light, almost as a defense mechanism to getting hurt. These people tend to avoid vulnerability and love to bond over negative things. If you are talking about your favourite restaurant they may tune in with how much they hate a certain menu item or bad service they received there, as it feels less vulnerable. If you agree with them, you bond, if you disagree, it isn’t seen as a personal attack, you just have different tastes in foods.

If you are the friend who joins in this negativity after someone else starts it, then you are the sort of person who alters yourself to fit in, in an effort to belong. It feels so confronting to say to your friend when they judge someone “that is unkind, we don’t even know that person. Let’s give them a chance.” We risk alienating ourselves from a friend if we do this, and we want to fit in to feel like we belong.

But as Brene Brown says herself “If we alter our true selves to fit in, then we belong to others and not to ourselves.” What we need to be willing to do is to stand for what we believe in, even if it means standing alone, and encourage others to stand with us.

That’s not to say your negative friend isn’t a good person, they probably are, they are just driven by fear. You have to accept that they see the negatives as a default and ask if you want to be like them, or if you want to try to gently help them be better. This is done by setting a positive example, but also by trying to encourage them to share what they love and enjoy, to find the more positive side of them that they are reluctant to share.

That is where the real bonding happens and it is powerfully positive.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Spooky Side Of Social Media

I have a wonderful friend who hosts an awesome 90’s radio show on a Wednesday evenings on 89.7fm called the 90’s spin with Lee. As such, her research into songs and facts from the 90’s has sparked many conversations between us about that era and what we were doing with our lives before mobile phones and the internet let alone social media.

My post was going to be called Facebook; Friends or Foe, because I love alliteration, but this post is looking to explore the spooky side of social media and the friendships created there, not just on Facebook, but all social media platforms, and just in time for a spooky time of year! Happy Halloween Homies! haha

So my friend Lee and I are both 80’s babies, and were both tweens and teens in the 90’s. It was our time to shine and looking back how simple times really were without all the technology that is around now. Not that either of us would like to go back to that time, but it is still fun to reminisce and share and compare stories, as we didn’t know one another back then! And, as it happens, we did sorta meet online, via a mutual acquaintance. So were it not for technology we wouldn’t even be friends at all!

That said, we both know we got pretty lucky and we each were who we said we were, because the dark side of social media technology is simply that you actually never really know who you are talking to! When Lee and I were between 16-19 years old, is when the internet started taking off in big ways. Those of you old enough to remember will be familiar with the old dial up soundtrack that comes straight to mind from this era!

Lee, being a tiny bit older than me, and a lot more tech savvy than me, was straight into the chat rooms to make online friends, and she described these friends, at the time as some of the most important and influential people in her life. On her 18th birthday for example, she had her online friends write her a birthday sentiment, that she then printed and asked her brother to read aloud to the crowd at her birthday party like old school telegrams. And the messages were from people known only by screen names such as Grug.

Looking back, Lee is quite honest with me as she says she actually really had very little clue who Grug was presenting to be online, let alone who they really were behind the screens, and yet there was this lack of caution, as they shared deep personal information with each other in cyberspace. In some instances Lee shares with me that she even travelled interstate to meet some of these people and stay at their houses! As you’d imagine this didn’t always go smoothly! Luckily, she survived to tell the tale!

But what it brings about in our minds is how quickly we went from “don’t talk to strangers and definitely don’t get into cars with strangers” to “Use the internet to call a stranger to get into the car with.” We mean Uber and such, and obviously safety protocols have come a long way since the 90’s pioneers first started navigating this online world, however at the end of the day, most of us have online friends, and it’s entirely possible that we don’t actually know them at all.

What’s even scarier is that our younger generations are constantly online, on social media and gaming platforms, at a much younger age than Lee and I were as we stumbled into the spaces. And they assume everyone they are playing with or chatting to is a similar age to themselves, which as adults, we know not to be the case. Yet we can’t keep our kids offline in a world that has become tech dependent! So how do we limit who they talk to on these platforms, without limiting their social and emotional growth?

There are all sorts of parenting controls and apps you can install, and if that works for you, then go ahead and use them. But I think the answer lies in communicating our experiences, positive and negative with our kids and about how much of themselves to share, and not to share with anybody online, if you know them in person or not! Talk to them about blocking and reporting anyone who makes them uncomfortable or is threatening, abusive or bullying. And never sharing their location in any way while they are still in that location publicly!

Which is another spooky side of the online world, anyone can message you anything, any time of the day or night and at times this bullying can be so relentless that people feel they can’t escape. Which is what makes the 90’s a nostalgically simple time, because if you didn’t want to be contactable, you didn’t have to be.

Even now, I grapple with social media and what to post/share or what not to. I have friends who like to share everything they do, and I used to do the same. But as I settle and grow older, I more and more relish the privacy that comes with enjoying a meal, event, day or evening out without broadcasting it to the world. It almost feels like a novelty to do something as simple as have a cocktail with a friend and not tell anyone but them! It almost feels naughty, like you are doing something taboo by not advertising or bragging to everyone.

And of course, it can cause upset amongst you and the people who did want to share it. They might feel that you aren’t proud or happy to be seen out with them and don’t want to be part of your dirty little secret. Or they may tag you in their own post and then people with mutual friends see it anyway even if you didn’t accept the tag in your privacy settings! There are also memories and reminders of people, places and things that you might not care to be reminded about, and passive aggressive posts leaving you wondering if that was about you and if you have upset someone. There are online unfriendings which almost certainly translate directly as such to the real world, and updates from people you went to school with that were never even really your friends back then and certainly aren’t now. Do you really want them knowing about everything you post? Do you really care and want to see about them? The dark side is, you kinda do, and you don’t know why…. It unleashes everyone’s inner stalker!

At the end of the day, these platforms are what allow us to stay connected. I can video chat with my friend in Italy, and message my parents when they are away in the UK, and see the day to day updates of the antics of my friend’s bunny in Texas. It allows me to feel less lonely and more connected to the people I care about, so I wouldn’t want to be without it.

But I also wouldn’t want anyone to forget that it definitely has it’s dark side. To be careful who you friend, who you talk to, what you share, who you share it with and who you do or don’t tag when you do! It’s a minefield, so watch your step! You might step on some landmines, but you also might find some treasures, as I did with Lee, so maybe overall the risk is worth the rewards?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

You’ve Changed…..

We all grow and learn in life, and they say a man who believes the same things at 40 that he believed at 20 has wasted 20 years. Naturally when we change, sometimes our friendships change, or in extreme cases, our friends change. This swap is usually not as dramatic as it sounds though. Life takes us all on a journey that deviates from those around us at any given time. We lose touch with high school friends when we go to higher learning or start careers, and often lose touch with those people too when we change careers or workplaces and have families of our own. These are all very common circumstances.

It’s not that we dislike the people we went to school with, it’s more that in truth we don’t know them anymore. We knew who they were, but we also remember who we were, and how much we have changed since then! So when you are curious late at night and looking up old school friends on social media, you are not looking to see who they were, you are interested in who they became after you knew them.

I’ve certainly heard of many cases of people getting back together with old childhood friends and finding they no longer had anything in common or any connection, but that is certainly not always the case. I have friends that I have maintained from school years, and even then I think with some of them, if we met today we probably wouldn’t like each other. In those instances, what has grown and changed is our friendship. It has evolved with us and we have learned to love and understand the new versions of ourselves that we have become along the way.

But what happens when you have a major change, that your friends and family didn’t quite see coming? I had the pleasure of talking to a lovely trans woman a few months ago, however, she said she was sadly having to make all new friends after her transition. Not because her friends were unfriendly towards her, they tried to be supportive, but being who she is, as opposed to who she had pretended to be the rest of her life, meant that the things they had in common had suddenly disappeared overnight!

She had been born a he. He was married with 2 young children, to a wife he loved dearly and in a happy life he did not want to disrupt. But he could no longer live a lie. He had always felt he had been born into the wrong body, and he could no longer pretend. But when he became who she had always been inside, her life very suddenly changed.

She went from being happily married to separated, living in a family home with the kids, to living in a spare bedroom of a friends house and from watching footy and drinking beer with the guys on weekends to drinking wine alone. Her friends had tried to understand, but the manly man they had been friends with was gone, and in a sense, perhaps they were grieving him instead of celebrating her. In her defense, she still valued male friendships – it was what she had known her whole life, she still liked football, and she still even did like women, even if this also now extended to a curiosity about relationships with men.

But her friendships didn’t feel the same anymore. Each party felt a sense of betrayal and lack of trust for the other, and the change was so big, so sudden, so opposite – that it caused a lot of the fibres holding them together to snap. Some friends didn’t know what to say, so said nothing. This silence was heard as judgement ad fear. Some friends asked too many intrusive or offensive questions, and again this was interpreted as judgement. Some simply enjoyed a beer with the boys and no longer saw her as such. Some were unsure what they could now say or joke about in her presence, while others were not sensitive enough about what they did and didn’t say.

Of course, it is also natural after a big sudden change, that you would want to start exploring friendships with other people sharing and relating to your experiences. And eventually, start exploring new romantic relationships too. But even that was challenging, because she felt she had to disclose to new romantic partners that she was once a he, and that alone discounted her from many of the people she was interested in. Not telling them was worse.

So what is the answer when you go through a big sudden life change? Is there a way to hold on to your friendships and have them grow and change with you? I think the answer depends on the friend, and your ability to be patient with them. When you learned of this change in your life, whether like my trans friend, you had years to process this information yourself, or an unexpected diagnosis or divorce, you need to allow everyone the time and space and patience to come to terms with the change in their own time and their own ways.

Not everybody can grow and change with you, but if you find yourself feeling impatient, insistent and unforgiving, that could be a factor in driving your friends away. You need to let people deal with the changes however it comes naturally to them as a person, and not force it. It might be easy to tell yourself that you would love and support your friend even if they decided to become a frog, for example, but you have to think about how you would relate to them as a frog, how you would communicate with them and in what meaningful ways could you still connect with a frog.

I am in no way comparing trans people with frogs, to be clear, I am being deliberately ridiculous because we tell ourselves ridiculous narratives sometimes, that isn’t always practically accurate.

At the end of the day, if your friends can’t change and grow with you, if they can’t accept you for who you have become, you don’t need to change yourself back, you need to change friends. And as hard as that can be, finding those niche people will be worth it. In the meantime don’t forget your own worth, settle for less or pretend to be anything that you aren’t. If your friends don’t actually know the real you, then how can they actually love or even like you?

Stay you, stay true, and stay positive and stay patient. And if it is your friend who is going through a big life change, that advice still applies, as well as stay present!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends and Finances; Frugal Friendships Can Still Be Rich Folks!

Last week we spoke about my experiences with employing a friend, and how although I do not regret the decision, it has it’s complications. This week I want to talk about the financial crisis many of us around the world are facing in 2023 and how this may mean some of us are feeling like we can no longer afford our friends!

Friendship is free, as they say, but sometimes that doesn’t really seem to be the case at all does it? Because friends tend to be the people we go out with socially! Girls nights out for movies and mixers? Yes please. Coffee and cake catch up’s? Of course! Boozy beer garden Sunday afternoon’s? Why not? Getting your nails or your hair done together is just more fun, right?

We can sit home on the couch in front of the television any night of the week, so typically we use our friends as excuses to get out and do something fun. But something fun is hardly ever something free is it? Nope. Even when you choose something cheapish like the local café coffee and cake special for $10, you soon find yourself ordering lunch after the catch up lingers past morning and into midday. Or you say you’ll go for a stroll, window shopping at the local markets, but before you know it you’ve bought several things you didn’t need. Or you get bargain cheap movie tickets, but then can’t resist the overpriced popcorn and confectionary and a large drink, telling yourself it’s basically free as you got the cheap tickets.

These things happen relatively easily even if you are both on the same financial page and prefer to stay frugal. But what is happening right now, is that some people have been more badly impacted than others by the financial strain, raising interest rates, fuel and grocery expenses. So some people are finding that they really can’t afford that extra $50 a week play money, while their friends may be in better positions financially and are still inviting them to the weekly Sunday brunch.

It can be awkward to say you can’t afford to go, so it is tempting to overspend and try to figure out how to pay the rising credit card debt later, particularly if your friends don’t seem to be talking about the struggle as though it isn’t happening at all. Inadvertently this lack of communication can imply pressure to keep up with the Joneses!

This can cause self esteem issues, as the person who has less disposable income questions their life choices and wonders if they are doing something wrong to be impacted when their friends aren’t. It’s easy enough to come up with an excuse or 2 to miss a brunch here or there, but as the financial situation has been increasingly worse for many of us for nearly a year now, at some point this could cause friction in your friendship group.

Your friends may start to wonder if they have upset you when you never see them anymore, completely unaware that you’re really struggling and perhaps suffering some level of shame as a result.

I would suggest that instead of finding excuses not to go to Sunday brunch, perhaps make suggestions to change things up a bit, and invite the gang over for a bring a plate lunch at your place instead, or other work arounds that mean you can still participate, without mentioning money.

However, at the end of the day, I would hope that you could discuss money with your friends! I know it is a personal topic and closely linked to our values, as what we value is where we spend. But true friends discuss personal things all the time! That is one of the best bits of friendship! Giggling over embarrassing stories, or sharing joy, excitement, pain or grief. Money should be no different.

At the end of the day, as adults we know we are all in unique financial situations. One friend might be the CEO of some multi million dollar company, while another is a freelance artist. One might be married but dependent on his or her spouse financially and one may be on government benefits to get by. We don’t make friends based on how much money they have, and nor should we have to go looking for friends in similar wage brackets to keep things comfortable. Money changes, but people don’t change that much.

If you are struggling with money, I feel you should sit your friends down and say that things are tight for you right now, but you don’t want to miss out on valuable time together, so could you change the plans to keep within budget. The conversation is the same if it is over coffee or cocktails, or caviar or a casual backyard bbq.

Your friends may misinterpret this as a request for charity, or they may well meaningly offer to cover you until you find your financial feet again, but I advise you against taking on this offer and instead reiterate that it is the affection that matters, not the activity, and you’d hope they still want to see you without all the fanfare.

At the end of the day, we do use our friends as an excuse to go out and have fun, but we shouldn’t make excuses not to see friends just because it might not be out and about. Friendship is fun, time together is what you make it and that is what matters. Any friends who exit stage left at the first sign of frugal, weren’t well aligned with you anyway.

It comes back to what I said about values – if they really only valued the activities and you happened to be the person they went with, then you valued friendship and they valued fun. It doesn’t make you right and them wrong, it just means it was a mismatch. I have a friend who took on a mortgage to help her brother. I don’t think I would do this and yet she jumped straight into it without hesitation, no matter the cost to her, as she values family so much. Obviously this has no baring on our friendship, she can do what she likes and if she needs to be frugal as a result I respect that, although I can’t say I understand it. But what I do understand is that if we have plans and her family calls, she will accommodate them first and foremost.

Misalignments don’t always mean you can’t be close friends, but they do mean you need to be aware of your friends values to know what to expect, and if you aren’t sure what they value, watch where they spend their money! Not everyone values friendships the same amount, and even that is ok, but they need to value you enough to handle difficult personal conversations and accommodate your needs.

Frugal friendships can still be rich folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Money and Mates Don’t Mix!

Hey there readers, I know I have posted about money and mates mixing like oil and water before, but in those posts I tended to focus more on loaning money to friends. In this post I would like to discuss paying friends for services, or working for friends, for money. Stupidly, it never occurred to me that this was still mixing business with pleasure, or, as some may describe it, sh#tting where you eat!

What happens for example if you buy an old gaming console from a friend, and then find a month later it stops working? It seemed like a good deal, but now you might feel scammed? Or what about when you hire a friend to do some garden work, and aren’t happy with the work? Alternatively, a friend may have hired you and now you feel uncomfortable with the power imbalance?

Money can just make things complicated. I once bought tickets for a comedy show, and then my husband also bought tickets for us for the same show. They weren’t refundable at the time of purchase, so I handed one set of them on to a friend to use. The show was cancelled due to covid, and the tickets were refunded. Should I have given my friend the money? Should I have bought her new tickets when the show was eventually rescheduled? I didn’t, and I think she was ok with it, but I still didn’t like the way that felt icky.

Over the years I have paid a friend of mine to tutor my children. This person is a smart, qualified professional, experienced in tutoring and teaching children, knows my children well and has much much more patience for working with them than I do. But that hasn’t always made this shift in our friendship easy.

There have been awkward conversations when the children still don’t seem to picking something up, and stressful moments when even she is losing patience with them and I intervene. There have been times when I have felt like my friend sees this employment as “time together” and I have had to point out that in no way do I pay her to be my friend, and I still want, need and expect time spent when she is not there under contract. There have been times when we have had harsh words privately about personal matters, and then she is obligated to be there at my house working with my kids and putting our differences aside for a few hours.

It’s not all bad. For example, that last part, sometimes forces us to get over petty disagreements and just remember to get along. And there is implied flexibility, if my kids have an appointment on the usual tutoring day, I feel comfortable asking her to come at a different time or date, and it is her that generally sets the schedule to come on the days and times most suitable for her. But this is a double edged sword. Here’s why.

My kids had end of term assessments coming up. Parents of high school children will be aware of how all the subjects do tests, assignments and exams at the end of the ten week block of education, meaning the kids are inundated with 4-7 classes in which to be assessed all at once. The only saving grace, is that typically you might have one a day for that last week or 2 of school before the holidays. The last 2 weeks of term were no different than usual for us, but my friend was jet setting overseas on the final week, so we kind of had to cram that preparation in a little bit early. No biggie.

Except, and I do understand, travelling is stressful, and preparing for that is also busy, time consuming work. My friend had many loose ends to tie up before she went away, pets to organise and work of her own day job to complete. So she had worked with my kids on some of the subjects in week 8 of term, and said we would do the remaining subjects the following week. Which was no problem, as she typically works with the kids early in the week, they would still be prepared for any upcoming assessments, so I wasn’t worried. In week 9 we got the expected timetable of assessments which I shared with my friend, to make sure she was aware of what needed to be covered. So I was a bit annoyed when she later asked if she could come later in the week, past the assessment dates. I told her that unfortunately, as per the schedule I sent, she would need to work with them before that at the scheduled time.

This encounter was horrible for us both. I don’t think of myself as her boss, or employer, and I don’t like enforcing boundaries on the basis of payment, so it wasn’t comfortable for me to assert that I pay her to work with them and I expected her to be there. (My language to her was much softer than this, I assure you.) And you could feel the tension in the air after she left that afternoon too, as she did not appreciate the power shift in our dynamic and feeling like I was basically in control of her actions.

There was no big important reason she couldn’t come on the scheduled day, it was just going to be more convenient for her to do it on a different day when she was going to be travelling our way anyway. So it shouldn’t have upset her too much that I needed her on this occasion to come on the scheduled day, but I could feel that it did upset her. She could probably also feel that I was annoyed by the request, when I had sent her the schedule and she could see that it was going to be important to study before the exams, not after.

Of course, she had bigger things on her mind, but my children are the biggest thing on mine and that is why I invest in her services to begin with!

I don’t regret hiring my friend, she is worth her weight in gold and has helped my struggling child improve his results and open up opportunities he might not have had otherwise. But it does raise issues of power struggles, and sometimes feeling used, abused, and uncared for, misunderstood or unreciprocated.

I used to pay my mate less than other people, for example, a mates rates situation. But, eventually, she had taken on more financial debt, and she had to awkwardly sit me down and ask me to pay full price. I know that was not easy on her, and I had never meant to make her feel disrespected or taken advantage of by paying her less. So I agreed to pay her what she charges, as she is worth it, and I appreciate the work she does for us. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel annoyed and had to go home and figure out how I would pay the difference.

Similarly, while she is away, I board her cat. I do not charge her a fee for this. He is a sweet animal and no real trouble, and my own cat seems to enjoy the company and someone to wrestle with. She provides some food, but generally her cat prefers to eat whatever my own cat is eating, and I use my own litter for his tray. To be clear, my friend did ask me if I would like to be paid for this, and I told her I would not accept any money. It doesn’t feel right to me to be paid for a gesture of friendship and goodwill. However, there have been plenty of times when I have helped her professionally and we have both jokingly referred to me as her assistant…. And she has never once offered, nor have I asked, to be paid for those services. That isn’t a problem, but it is an area that could cause resentments easily.

So unless you are really comfortable with your friend, really comfortable having difficult conversations, trust that butting heads with them from time to time wont cause major conflict and impact your personal relationship, I would tend to advise not to employ your friends, nor to work for them! Really think about it! If you still rush into it like I did…. To quote Taylor Swift…. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Emotional Reactivity

On Mother’s Day this year, we also celebrated my brother’s birthday. It wasn’t his birthday that day, to be clear, it was 2 weeks after mothers day or so, but my mum asked my brother if he would prefer to combine the celebrations. He conceded that this seemed like a good plan, rather than do another family gathering just weeks later, and said if I wasn’t organized for a gift, not to worry too much as he wasn’t bothered. This annoyed me somewhat as I had already messaged him a month or so at least before that to tell him that his awesome birthday gift had just arrived and I couldn’t wait to give it to him! Haha (He is a massive Star Trek fan and I had bought him the uniform hoodie, and he did love it, and put it on immediately!)

Anyway, this wasn’t exactly new, as we have from time to time celebrated my brother’s birthday on Mother’s day. I think the last time we did so because it was more convenient for my mother. This is important, because it seems that it is ok for her to make that decision herself, however when my brother made it, she felt hurt.

Naturally, as my children are still not adults and live under my roof, I do see them on their birthdays and I do quietly agree with my mother that it is somewhat my celebration as much as theirs, as I was the vessel through which they made their way into  this world! So I cannot say I would not also be hurt in the future when my children inevitably prefer to see friends and lovers on their birthdays instead of their birthgiver! I have no doubt I will also feel a bit sorry for myself and I hope my mother is understanding and forgiving when I complain to her instead of remining me of all the times I did the same and reminding me of this article. But it proves my point is all mum! Love you!

So what point is it that I am trying to prove? After my brothers actual birthday, he called our father to check in after dad had some minor surgery. During the conversation my brother disclosed that him and his wife and children had gone out to an expensive restaurant to celebrate his birthday. My mother said it was a good thing he told my father and not her directly or she may not have been able to hold her tongue about feeling unchosen and edged out of his life.

I completely understand my mums thoughts and feelings on that and her feelings are valid. The danger lies in telling yourself that because how you feel is valid, that your thoughts are true. My brother thought we had already celebrated his birthday, which we had, and so he felt free to do a thing with his immediate family on the day. I am not sure what mum expected him to do exactly? Just tell his wife and children not to mention or celebrate his birthday at all? Of course they wanted to celebrate him, and I am thrilled that they did!

When you look at it from a further distance, had we all been celebrating he would have felt obliged to suggest a less expensive restaurant, incase we couldn’t or didn’t want to spend that much celebrating his birthday. He would have had to make it at a time convenient for 10 to 12 people instead of just 4. He would maybe have had to invite people he didn’t particularly want there, like inlaws for example, and then they couldn’t just leave when they were ready. It becomes a big thing when you include other people! It definitely isn’t because he would rather not see his mother on his birthday. Which is definitely the story my mother is telling herself and it is making her feel sad.

Of course it is making you feel sad, but when you stop and realise it isn’t about you, and it isn’t the narrative you are assuming, it is much easier to swallow. Plus, I have to ask myself why she made the suggestion in the first place if she wasn’t really ok with him not celebrating his birthday with all of us? Was this a test he failed to reassure her that he prefers and chooses her? That’s not a kind gesture, and sets him up to fail. It also sets her up to confirm her worst fears too.

The final truth of the matter is that my brothers family like that restaurant and they wanted to go there, and his birthday was just an excuse to do that. It’s not pretty, but it’s true. And when you take all the emotion out of it, that is what you are left with.

So at least mum and I can agree that it was better that my brother spoke to my father that day, because she is emotionally reactive. So am I, I guess I get it from her! But  I am learning to be better, and I hope she is too. Because it is ok for her to feel hurt and pushed out of his life, and it is ok if that feels true to her. But there is no point trying to push that narrative onto my brother, who, to be fair, would only deny it even if it were true. But if that is what my mum truly felt, pushed out of his life, why not milk every excuse to be in it and not offer in the first place to step aside? Why not be honest and say “yes I do want to see you on your birthday, you are my son, I gave birth to you, this is our celebration together.” Instead of pretending to be nonchalant about it then getting hurt.

My brother was 48 this year. He doesn’t care who he saw or didn’t see, it’s just another day for him, but I know he would never intend to hurt my mother either. I know mum wont say any of this to him, in time her feelings will pass, but I hope she stops continuing to look for evidence that he doesn’t care and starts looking for evidence that he does. Because she will find that too, plenty of it. These feelings will pass, and the reactions we didn’t have we can’t regret, but if she doesn’t change the story she is telling herself in her head, the feelings will keep coming back and the reactivity will be harder to resist. It might be more honest, helpful and vulnerable to ask “why did you choose not to see us for your birthday?” And let him explain the logistical reasons I listed above, than to immediately say “You don’t care about me, you just want me gone from your life. You can’t even see me on your birthday and I gave birth to you” for example. (Mum did not say any of that.)

Emotional reactivity is detrimental to our relationships, family, romantic, colleague or friend. We must let ourselves feel and then let ourselves think clearly before we burn bridges. So just try and look at the bigger picture before you react. Communication is entirely different from emotional reactivity, ask the questions and be willing to hear and accept the answers. Don’t ask until you’re calm enough to hear and accept that it wasn’t about you and it isn’t what you assumed. Which means being vulnerable, taking time to respond and not react and questioning your feelings and the stories in your mind. Those are your insecurities and fears, don’t let them drive you  if you want your relationships to survive.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Object Constancy, Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.

A few weeks ago, Facebook had some sort of glitch that sent unprompted friend requests to people without your permission if you so much as clicked on their profile picture. For those of you who struggle with stalking exes and people from your past, crushes, and haters, this was bad news. Now that person you were stalking would be informed that you were creeping! Cringe. I wasn’t too worried though, as that isn’t really something I tend to do. So if that was you, and you got sprung, the good news is that you probably have a good healthy sense of whole object relations and object constancy! Go  you!

So, what are whole object relations and object constancy? According to this article on Psychology Today, “whole object relations means an ability to form an integrated realistic and relatively stable image of oneself and other people that simultaneously includes both liked and disliked aspects, and also strengths and flaws.”

While this article from Psych Central describes Object Constancy as “the ability to retain a bond with the other person – even if you find yourself upset, angry or disappointed by their actions.”

Both skills develop in childhood after we learn object permanence, which is described on WEBMD as “understanding that people and items still exist even when you can’t see or hear them.” So babies like playing peek a boo because they genuinely think your face disappears when they can no longer see it, and it is both magical and a relief when it reappears.

I know all of you have object permanence in that sense. You know if your best friend doesn’t come to your house every morning that they still exist and that they have probably gone to work or school or are in bed sleeping. However, if you lack object constancy, long breaks from communication can lead you to feel uncared for if you don’t hear from them, and this can taint your ability to feel connected to them and like they are still your friend.

People who struggle with these issues typically have a more black and white thinking structure, (who me? Never?) and when people hurt us, it can be hard for us to stay connected to them. That might be because they betrayed us in some way and broke our hearts and trust, or just that they moved jobs and lost touch. Either one may lead to the black and white conclusion that the person doesn’t care for you and is a bad person/friend. Once that split in thinking has occurred, somehow it is easy for us to just go about pretending that person never existed and we don’t feel the need to check up on them as we don’t generally think about them at all. Perhaps as a defense mechanism because thinking of them elicits pain or also, because we lack stable self image too, seeing or thinking of them can illicit feelings of failure and shame... All things we would rather avoid thank you very much.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/257127459958785919/

So if you were caught out stalking someone from your past in the Facebook glitch, chances are, despite the circumstances, pain, distance or feelings between you and them, you probably remember some of their good traits too, the good times and feel stable enough in yourself to feel fine if they have moved on without you for example, looking at them isn’t triggering for you. This is a positive thing!

What made this come up for me recently was my post on feeling unchosen. Because I was able to reflect that the first time that happened to me, I lost object constancy and whole object relations, and forgot all the positives about the friend I cut out of my life. Suddenly all I could grasp were the negative things about her, about our friendship, about her life and her choices… and equally all I could remember were my own virtuous moments. While I don’t regret that friendship ending, I am surprised by the evidence of this split in thinking and the ways in which I saw my friend instantly and irrevocably changed. I can think of at least one other instance in which this split in thinking has occurred, but in that instance I can’t really think of too many ways in which I failed that friend, whereas with the former I failed her many times in many ways too. And she never split on me really and judged me based on my failings as I had done that final time before I discarded her. Was my split in thinking because feeling unchosen was making me have to face some ugly truths that perhaps there were genuine reasons why I wasn’t the best and obvious choice?  Was I reacting emotionally and discarding her before she got a chance to slowly and painfully discard me by replacing me with my ex and his new wife? Looking back, maybe. And maybe that is why I had to hold on to the negatives and convince myself that this was not a good fit and never had been.

I want to be clear that the negatives I remember were real, and I honestly believe we weren’t good for each other. But there were good times, positive memories and I did choose her for many years so there was reason for that. And, as I said, there were plenty of ways in which I was negative for her too, probably didn’t always choose her, although I was adamant I had at the time and this was an unacceptable betrayal of loyalty. Who ends a 30 year friendship over a few get togethers without an invite? People who lack whole object relations and object constancy, that’s who. (And yes, people who were maybe looking for an exit to begin with?)

But the good news is, once you are aware of this tendency, you can learn to change it. So this time when my name didn’t make that invite list, I was able to remind myself of all the positive qualities about my friend, about our time together, and about how much I do still want and value her in my life, even if I did find her choice on this occasion somewhat hurtful to my pride. I was able to see the bigger picture, and remove myself from emotional reactivity. I was able to maintain a positive stable image of my friend despite her perceived error in judgement against me, and maintain a positive stable image of myself and knowing it wasn’t actually about me at all, and that she still loves and values me.

https://triggeryourtrip.com/emotional-path/emotional-permanence/

It’s a struggle and a journey for us all. But if you are still learning like me, at least you weren’t caught out stalking any exes. Because the way we are, when people are out of sight, that often means they are out of mind too, and we assume that is mutual! I suppose maybe there is a silver lining  to every cloud.

This one goes out to my stalker! Haha I know your secret, and it’s very flattering that you still think of me!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Choose Wisely, When You Feel Unchosen.

Feeling Unchosen Sucks!

I have detailed in the past about a situation that arose whereby someone I considered a best friend had a dinner party, before which she sat me down and explained that she felt terrible, but that I wouldn’t be invited as my ex fiancé and his new wife were attending and it was going to be in everyone’s best interests that I not be there. Blindsided by that proverbial slap in the face, I politely agreed that I would prefer not to attend with them, and absolved her of her guilt. I cried all the way home when I left her house though, struggling to understand what had just happened.

I believed my friend when she said she felt terrible, and I knew that was why she had sat me down and tried to talk it through. Otherwise there was a good chance I never would have even known about said dinner party anyway, but rather than risk having me find out some other way, she felt the best and right thing to do was to be honest about it and explain it away. I reasoned that she wasn’t wrong, I would prefer not to socialize with my ex fiancé and his new wife. (For fairness I should probably clarify that I was the one who ended the engagement, in favour of exploring my sexuality, and that he was a respectable, nice, down to earth guy. After me, he happened to date and marry someone else within my wider friendship circle. This person and I were not directly friends, but we had mutual friends, and there had always been a sense of unease between us, as I had always felt she wanted what I had, first my best friends, then my ex.)

Anyway, no matter how hard I tried to understand and justify that my friend had every right to invite or not invite whomever she pleased to her dinner parties, and that I had always known she socialized with a group including my ex and his new wife, I couldn’t make it stop hurting. The crux of the matter was that I felt she was choosing him over me. (I blasted Tiffany’s “should’ve been me” on repeat in the car, although the concept of the song was a romantic pairing, the chorus sentiment was the same!) I never asked her to choose, of course, that would be wrong. As I said, I knew she travelled in circles with the ex, and attended parties with  that group to which I was not a member. It just never occurred to me that she would be expected in turn to host, and that I would be excluded. I sat her down and explained to her in what I remember as one of the most emotional conversations of my life how hurt and betrayed and confused I had felt, and she said she understood, never wanted me to feel  that way and would not put me in that position again.

I thought that meant she would invite me in future, but what she really meant was that she just wouldn’t inform me of my exclusion in future. When I found out, my heart broke and I did not handle the situation with maturity or grace or forethought. I wrote a scathing email detailing how I had been wronged, I had never wronged her (in that manner, in other ways, I had indeed wronged her in harmful ways) and I ended a 30 year friendship. I don’t regret losing that friendship, it was toxic to us both and it is for the best that we no longer associate. However, I deeply regret the ways I handled the whole thing, it was reactive and unnecessary and over 10 years later, I see that I made it about me when it wasn’t, and although I had always said I didn’t make her choose between him and I, in effect, I was asking her to choose and the minute the choice wasn’t me, I made that choice final.

I learned a lot from that situation, I felt, and although it was painful, it was necessary for personal growth and reflection, and how to be better in the future. Not that I ever expected to be in that position again…. Until I was. The situation this time was a little different, because instead of an ex fiancé, the person was an ex friend.

However, once again there was a gathering to which I was not invited in favour of someone else, and I felt the sting of being unchosen. And I felt it just as fiercely as I had the first time! Again I felt blindsided and again I felt hurt, angry and unchosen.

This time, however, I had the chance to reflect back, and know that it isn’t about me. That if I am committed to not making people choose between myself and someone who prefers not to associate with me, I have to accept that there is not just one choice. That life is full of choices, and that sometimes it wont be me, and that has to be ok. To acknowledge all the times that I am chosen, which is frequently, and all the ways that I know my friend shows me love and care. That it isn’t that they prefer the other person, but it also isn’t their fault that me and someone else don’t get along for whatever reason. I was the one who fell out with them, and the consequences of that are mine, and that of the other party. Sometimes there is a seat at the table for me, and sometimes I have to graciously stay home so the other person can take that seat.

I don’t believe any of the people I have fallen on bad terms with are bad people, or deserve to be unchosen any more than I believe I am a bad person who deserves to be unchosen. So this time, I am pleased to say that I did handle myself with grace and maturity. I recognize that it is ok, normal even, to feel the sting of exclusion, but that I don’t have to act on that feeling. It feels better to act in compassionate ways towards my ex friend who is going through a period of change in her life and could probably use the support and good times more than me right now. To choose to believe my friend who is hosting, will always make room for me at her table when it matters, and when I need it most, and to just remember, this is not about me.

That’s not to say I didn’t express my hurt feelings, I did, and I gave my friend the room to validate that she understood the root cause of my distress, but then I acknowledged that it was only my ego that hurt, not my heart, and my ego will recover.

Next time you feel upset or angry or hurt, I encourage you to take the time to explore that feeling. Take a moment to really indulge in the feelings as they aren’t wrong, so just let them sit, before you respond to them or act on them. Hopefully some time will let some perspective permeate. For me, it meant separating “I feel hurt from being excluded” from “my friend hurt me by excluding me.” Feeling hurt does not mean somebody hurt me. Feeling unchosen once does not mean someone doesn’t choose me.

It might sound like mental gymnastics, but the narratives we tell ourselves matter, and our feelings change based on them. So I choose to remind myself that my friend loves me, she also loves my ex friend, and that is a beautiful powerful thing we are both lucky to embrace because she has enough love for us both even when we no longer have enough for each other. Now it is my turn to gracefully return to her the love, forgiveness and understanding she has bestowed upon me for years and I know this time instead of tearing us apart, it can grow us closer together. And the choice was always mine to make. Choose wisely when feeling unchosen!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Red Flag or Red Rag?

In the last few weeks I have talked about my abandonment issues and my need to be liked. This week I am wanting to explore how my focus on hiding myself to be liked, has led me to find myself in friendships with people who are in some way avoidant. My inability to end friendships with people I didn’t like, and my inability to actually discern who liked me and who didn’t. Not only that, but my inability to discern who was interested in being friends with me and who wanted more. Mostly my inability to actually know who I liked and what I wanted and act on that.

I knew I had sexual feelings towards the first girl I kissed, but it was her who made the first move, got us into an intimate position and had the bravery to be honest and say “It feels really nice cuddling up with you.” Looking back, maybe she just wanted to know, was I gay? I’m sure she felt my eyes dancing all over her body. But I never would have done more than look without her invitation.

I knew I didn’t appreciate one friend’s sense of humour or entitlement, but I was unable to admit to myself that I didn’t like her.

I knew I wasn’t interested in my first fiancé. There was a misunderstanding as we sat on the bench side by side. I placed my hand down to shuffle myself over and away from him, but his hand was there, and he thought I was trying to hold it, and he grabbed on. I knew I didn’t want to be holding his hand, but I couldn’t find the words to extricate myself from the situation. I knew I didn’t want to marry him, but I didn’t know how to say so. (Obviously I eventually found the words, but if I had found them that first night, I could have saved us both a lot of rubbish.)

Those were not bad people, not unavailable, I was just unable to reveal what I really wanted or felt and or didn’t want or didn’t feel. If they liked me, how much I liked them, how I wanted or didn’t want them to act towards me wasn’t important. What they wanted was important. Being liked. Being accepted. At all costs.

But in time, I would find people who didn’t seem to like me. I don’t know if they didn’t, for sure, but they seemed aloof, disinterested. They withheld attention. I don’t know if they saw through me, but something about their disinterest and dislike captivated me. I needed to prove to them that I was good enough, if they needed me to earn their trust and attention, it was an irresistible challenge. The less they liked me, the more I seemed to like them. Perhaps I believed they saw me as I saw myself and I feared that if I couldn’t win their approval my worst fears about myself being unworthy and unlikeable would be true.

I also felt these individuals were in some way better than me, cooler, badder, more secure in who they were and didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thought about them. These people seemed to possess something that was out of my reach, and so I thought they too, were out of my reach. In each stage in my life, perhaps they represented whatever it was I aspired to at that time.

My first proper girlfriend, I chased her, flirted with her, tried to get her attention for a good few years before she succumbed to my charm. In my eyes she was popular, something about her has always been charismatic and charming and easy. But there was a sadness in her eyes too. Everybody saw what she wanted them to see, but I wanted to solve the mystery. I wanted to see beyond the laughter, I wanted her to show me herself. And I suppose it is fair to say, after a while, the attention probably intoxicated her, and she succumbed to my charms and finally let me in. She is beautiful inside and out. But when she first kissed me, I felt something hard to explain. Whole. Enough. Accepted. Peaceful. I could stop trying, finally. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, but that is a whole other lesson.

My son’s father was the next to withhold noticing me. To be fair, I think he was probably too spaced out on weed to notice much at all. Seemingly out of nowhere oneday he noticed me, and I felt alive. The next day, it was like I didn’t exist. To quote Taylor Swift “You look like my next mistake.” Except he wasn’t, not really, because my son is no mistake, however unplanned he was. But this hot and cold behaviour was something I could not ignore. I could not tolerate it. He said he loved me, but he treated me like he didn’t even like me. Yep. Bingo. I needed to win him over, I need him to accept me. He wasn’t capable. I thought he knew I wasn’t good enough for him, but maybe he knew I was too good for him. And I don’t mean that the way it sounds. But I was a good girl, seeking approval and he was the opposite, rebelling against it. He wanted me, but only on his terms. My only need was for him to like me. But soon enough my son came along and absolved me of that need. I was everything my son’s father needed, but not a thing he wanted. And I never could have been, so I am forever blessed that my son came along and made me think of his needs because I wasn’t really acting on my own wants or needs.

My point is, that those of us who have a need to be liked at all costs, deny our needs to the point that we forget we have any and end up getting tangled up in friendships and relationships that are hurtful and damaging not only to ourselves, but to the people around us.  I realise they were romantic examples, but there are also plenty of friendship examples where I have a need to appease the other person at the expense of myself too. And even workplace examples because this unhealthy need to be like takes over every aspect of your world.

So the first steps are realising when you feel uncomfortable in small ways and acting or speaking immediately. Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking assertively but calmly and not emotionally charged. And realising it is ok if you don’t like someone and if someone doesn’t like you, it is not a challenge or a problem to be solved. It is just a fact. Repeat after me, and repeat it until you believe it. “I like me, just the way I am.” When you really feel it, when people treat you poorly, you will see it as a red flag not a red rag to a bull.

If you find yourself repeatedly giving more than you are getting and you don’t know why, that’s the first red flag. They aren’t better than you. It doesn’t matter if they like you or not. If you like you, stop accepting less than you deserve and trying to prove you deserve happiness. You do. Go find it. Somewhere else.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the friendship formula fails.

Last week I spoke about my need to be liked exceeding my need to be loved, and the things in my life that had led me down that pathway. Even though it would seem my mother was at the root of much of this, she was always the first to point out that she didn’t like my friends and didn’t think they treated me well or reciprocated my efforts. Isn’t that interesting? We can see when other people do it, but not when we do it ourselves. And those are always the qualities we dislike in others the most.

What else is interesting is that in part, I learned the skills of being a super good friend from my mother, by observing her with her friends. As an adult, I see that friendship wasn’t the only area in my mothers life where she made herself a martyr. Sacrificial should have been her middle name. She would never take the last biscuit, always served herself last and ate whatever was left of the meal she slaved over, and also said yes when it was less convenient. She always paid attention to her friends. She knew what your favourite drink was and she would have it there. She knew your dietary requirements and she would make you a special meal. She knew your uncle’s cousin’s dog’s name and asked about it if it was important to you. She knew what your plans were this week and she would always remember to follow up on it the next time she saw you. If you had a medical condition, she had researched it and wanted to help you. She is a very attentive and caring person.

She tends not to like my friends, because they aren’t like her. They don’t remember the details, and don’t notice if I haven’t shared the details. What I find fascinating is that she doesn’t notice that her own friends are no better. And just like me, the less they offer in return, the more she invests. It could be the time in her life of course. Now my parents are retired, they are very busy social butterflies, but it is wonderful to see this and how happy it makes them. It also gives me hope.

Because in this stage of my life, no amount of effort makes any difference. From 25-65 perhaps, people are simply too busy to invest in friendships. The formula that used to work – being the perfect friend for each person used to guarantee me time with that person, no longer works. When they have a spare minute, I am often still the one person they want around. But they just don’t get many spare moments. And when you have made yourself a professional friend, but nobody is interested in friendship no matter how great it is, you feel a little like Kodak photo printing centres. Superfluous to requirements.

My husband has never understood. He knows that I am social and respects that I need my friends, although he often jokes that they are more important to me than him. I know many people, my friends included wonder if it is because I love women more than men. (I do, but I do not love my friends more than my husband!) It is simply because I am secure in my relationship with him, and I don’t feel like I NEED him, despite my 100% financial dependence. I feel loved. What I need is to feel liked.

It’s not lost on me that my friends cannot meet this need, when the need stems from the fact that I don’t believe I am likeable, because I haven’t given very many people the chance to like me authentically. The ones that do, I value more than the world, but they probably are the friends that have the least time to offer.

Anyway, my point is, that in this stage of my life, my challenge for myself is to be more authentic and surround myself with people who respect and support that. I also have to accept that not everyone will like me, and that will be ok, if I like me. That starts by respecting myself and saying no when I want to, expressing my wants and needs and not overcompensating for being less than them because I am not straight and feeling like it is a blessing anyone would hang out with me at all.

But it also means taking some time to really be more of a friend to myself. To find ways to get validation outside of friends and to find something else I am good at when the demand for good friends is so low in my current demographic. Because actually much of the time I am such a good friend that I make my friends feel like bad friends. Much like my mother, they want to meet my needs and reciprocate, they do love me, but they just don’t have the time for me.

It’s not going to be easy when I have prided myself on this and it is the only thing I really know I excel at. It’s not going to be easy for my friends as I pull back somewhat to focus on myself. As I start asserting better boundaries and doing what I want to do instead of what they want me to do or what I have always done. It will feel to them that I am changing when really, for the first time I am being honest. In the past I was somewhat trying to control or manipulate them into being my friend, making myself valuable for them, and never asking them to be valuable to me in return.

Now I have to trust them, trust myself, and see what wonderful beautiful things unfold. See if I can find true happiness and exist because I stopped putting myself in the supporting role and stepped into the light, into my power, into myself. I don’t know much about myself, to be honest. Maybe that is in part why I haven’t been able to show my friends who I am. I have been so busy being who I am not or who I think they wanted me to be. But I look forward to finding out, even if it means I have to walk alone.

Friends are important to your happiness, and my friends do and will continue to contribute to my happiness, but if you make them responsible for your happiness, you wont be happy for long. Take it from me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx