Making up and Breaking up…. AGAIN! Can Friends be on again off again?

This time 2 years ago, I posted about reconciliations; reconnecting with an old friend after a few years apart and how wonderful that was. It was. If you want to read the post, you can access it here, but if you can’t be bothered, the quick rundown was this.

My friend and I actually met through her partner. I was friends with her partner first and they introduced us. We hit it off really well and for a while it was great hanging with all 3 of us, until the partner started being dishonest with my new friend and kind of put me in a very difficult position where I had crossed loyalties. In the end I exited the situation with both of them. The partner was not interested in being honest and expected my support and loyalty as I had known them first. The new friend was not interested in hearing anything negative about the partner, so I couldn’t watch it all go down. I left them both to figure it out the hard way. Not saying that was the best approach, it probably wasn’t, but it is what I chose to do.

After a few years passed, I saw the friend on a social media platform we both used, and her profile indicated that things were over between her and the partner, so I thought it was safe to re-engage. However, it ended up putting said friend in a difficult position as the partner and I never reconciled our friendship and by all accounts they remained pretty angry about our parting. The partner was not in fact out of my friend’s life completely, it had become more of a complicated entanglement than I thought. My friend wanted my support and I wanted to offer it to her, however it was more like a weird friendship affair. (It is amazingly strange how often I appear to end up in these situations! Haha)

So we proceeded to try and have a friendship as much as was possible “behind closed doors” and things actually went pretty well, until we got caught, obviously. Then that was the end of that. My friend once again left my life. It was really painful and sudden, but I can hardly say unexpected, can I? After a brief period, my friend wanted to re-engage with me, and I explained that I understood her predicament, and I wanted to continue our friendship, however we could no longer be as close or be as communicative as we once had been. I couldn’t be her support person only to be tossed aside, after I had finally made a tough decision to “choose a side” – something I initially tried not to do. I chose the wrong side perhaps, because I do think the partner would have been more loyal to me than I was to her in the end.

Anyway, I digress. My friend agreed to communicate on a more casual basis with me, then promptly ghosted me. I can’t say I was surprised or even all that upset as I had already come to the conclusion that we could not be close anyway and I understand the pain and emptiness a person feels when they are downgraded a friend level. There is no nice way to say “let’s be less close” because it doesn’t feel nice to hear or deal with. My friend would rather not have me in her life at all than have me as a shell of what we once had. I have been there. I totally get it. I left it alone, and I did not even blog about it…… so why now?

After quite some time had passed, maybe 6 to 8 months or so post ghosting me, my friend reached out. She wanted to make amends, to apologise for treating me poorly or hurting my feelings. I was surprised. For starters I did not really feel an apology was necessary because there were no hard feelings. I had reached closure. I understood what transpired between us and that we parted ways circumstantially more than because of any hard feelings or wrong doings.

I could see value in her accountability; however, it didn’t change anything between us. In her apology my friend made it quite clear she was not seeking friendship or communication from me, only wanting to state her case.

Regardless, I attempted to respond to explain I forgave her, I understood and offer my own apology and accountability for re-entering her life without invitation in the first place. I wished her well in her life and thanked her for the friendship we had shared, both times. But I got an error message when I tried to send it, so perhaps she blocked my communication, I guess I will never know. I know that it felt good to part ways on good terms, and my sentiments when I read her message and tried to reply were warm.

However, by the next morning, I felt more unsettled by the events. Not angry, but confused. An apology is words, an amends suggests you want to right the wrong, does it not? Why bother apologising for dumping me twice, only to contact me a third time to make an apology but essentially dump me a third time? What did I get out of that apology? Was it even for me? Or was it for her? To appease her own guilt? To make her feel better about the impression of herself that she left with me?

Which leads me to question, are apologies actually important, or manipulative?

More on that next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Year, New Level?

I have posted friendship resolutions in the past, making new friendships, reaching out to reconcile with old ones and even making a new you for new year. This year, I want you all to have a close look at your current friendships and which ones you could possibly deepen to a new level.

I say this because many of the beautiful connections I have shared with friends appear to have happened quite some time after we became friends. I am sure it is perfectly normal for friendships to take time to grow, as the timing is right, but I can’t help but wonder if they wouldn’t have developed at all had we both not been open to levelling up!

One friend, for example, I had known for around 10 years before we became close. And now that we are closer, I reflect back on the potential I missed all those years ago to take this friendship to the next level, and the benefits to having had this closeness in my life all along.  That didn’t happen, mostly because I suppose I wasn’t open to it. I didn’t embrace it and give it mindful attention, time and nurturing. Yet as soon as I did, it was almost like this person had been waiting for me to be ready the whole time.

Most grow if you are mindful about watering them!

So I want to ask you to really examine your friendships and acquaintances and consider taking each of them to a newer deeper level. Not all will flourish, as both parties really have to be ready for the change, however the ones that do grow into something deeper might change your life in really unexpected ways.

So maybe there is a group of people you see, as a group. Perhaps you could ask a few of them individually to meet up in a different context one on one? Or, for example, ask one of your children’s friend’s mothers for a play date at yours, saying you will provide coffee and cake to chat over while the kids play. It might mean opening up a little more to someone you usually only discuss gardening with and seeing what else you might have in common, or offering to help someone you don’t know too well just because you can and you like them.

It doesn’t mean every person you talk to has to know your whole life story or that every person needs to be a best friend, just that each friend has an opportunity to advance past their current level on your friend ladder. You might be surprised at who is there for you more than you expected!

Friendships ebb and flow, so it’s likely you had a friend with whom you used to be closer, however now feel less close. Is there any way you could be more mindful about restoring that connection, not to what it once was, but further than it currently is?

I suppose what I am suggesting is to make more time to purposefully reach out to those around you and build connections. Prioritise your social connections, as they really matter. In the last few years, my parents have moved into a retirement village. Initially I was concerned for them, separation from old friends, changes to routine, less space and certainly less privacy. However it has been magical to watch their social worlds bloom, their calendar filled with all sorts of new people, new events and new connections.

So this advice is applicable to all people of all ages and stages, just to notice who is around you, to do something nice to foster your bond, to show interest, make invitations, deepen conversations and really be there for one another.

As the world starts opening up again, let’s all start to open our hearts and minds more along side it. Embrace the people in your life, because as my parents have demonstrated, at the end of the day, the people are what makes life fun and interesting. Work will end, children will grow up and take on lives of their own, and soon all you will have left is each other. So make it count this year, and every year thereafter!

Happy New Years Folks, however you are spending it, I hope it is with your friends!!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas is here; bring you and yours Cheer!

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas eve, and like many of you, I am probably busy with last minute Christmas details, cleaning, baking, looking at Christmas lights. But yet, I am still posting here today. Which is what I have been getting at this past month…. With planning and preparation, you can make time, ahead of time, to give time, when you have no time to give!! Now there is a tongue twister. What that means is I wrote this in advance and posted it! Haha

And because I know you all have better things to do than read my blog today, I will keep it short and sweet!

Merry Christmas Readers. Thanks for all the new followers who have joined me over on Facebook, you have really lifted my Christmas Spirit this year and it is the best gift I could ask for… except for Friendship, obviously.

Tomorrow is the day to sit back and enjoy the fruits of all your planning if it comes into fruition….. or maybe it will be more like the image below, but even if it is, I hope you can see the funny side. There is always next year!!

Merry Christmas!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Including Solo Friends in Your Christmas

EEK! Christmas is just over a week away! All your hard work is about to come into fruition to make this Christmas feel just as special as any other, even if it looks and feels a little different this year. We all deserve it after a hard year, and we all need some festive cheer.

Many families will still be separated this year, and many people stare down the barrel at a potentially lonely Christmas. Depending on the restrictions in place where you live, maybe you will be able to celebrate with neighbours or local friends if family is not nearby for either of you. And although it may not be quite the same, perhaps it will be refreshing to spend the holidays with fresh faces.

Perhaps including our friends instead of just family will become a new tradition. Maybe getting out of the old familiar routine could introduce us to fun new ways of celebrating that we never thought of before. These are the sorts of things that plant the seeds of change.

However, each year, and this year in particular, most of you will know someone facing the prospect of a pretty lonely day. I have in fact posted about this before, but maybe if you too are less busy due to isolation, border closures and other restrictions, this will be the year you have the chance to make a change.

This could be the year you have time to phone a friend who is alone after the Christmas morning rush and before the lunch and dinner begins. It could be the year you have the chance to make a meaningful slideshow of yourself and your friend set to Christmas tunes to show you are thinking of them? Maybe it will be the year you finally have time to send a Christmas cracker joke or 2?

Or maybe this year you are just as busy as every other year, in which case, as with my other post planning is essential. Pre-prepare said slideshow and send it on Christmas eve so they wake to something special on Christmas day. Pre record a video of yourself talking about your friendship, your favourite memories and thanking them for being in your life. Acknowledge that Christmas is going to be hard for them this year and you wanted to try and bring some life into it for them. Send it after lunch. Set a reminder in your phone.

Your friend who is alone may not have much to do, so create a word puzzle where the letters not found spell out a secret message, and make that message lead to another puzzle, like open your email. In the email you could attach another puzzle, a recipe you know they will have the ingredients to make, a link to an online story or book, or instructions to them to record you a video of themselves doing something hilarious. Whatever fits your friendship.

What is important is giving your friend consistent attention throughout the day in ways that don’t cost you too much. If you have time for a long phone chat then absolutely do it, however if you don’t have time, it is a good idea to make up for in effort what you can’t offer in time. Your friend will appreciate the effort even if the execution goes a little awry!

I think these little pre-planned gestures go a long way in showing your friend you cared, without making them feel like a burden or a charity case. It is important they know this comes from a place of caring and not pity. This is especially important if your friend often spends Christmas solo, as he or she likely has their own routine of how they like to spend the day and too much intrusion may not be welcomed.

If it is you who happens to be spending Christmas alone this year, send this article on to your friends! Haha

By the time I write again it will be Christmas Eve. So I hope you have a wonderful holiday no matter how you spend it or who you spend it with and you get a chance to see your friends and family soon.

Happy Holidays Folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Time To Plan Time Together.

So last week we talked about planning your gifts for your friends and how to show through gifting that they are important to you, special and worth the time and effort. Now the second week of December has rolled around (already!!) it is time to start planning the get togethers to exchange the gifts.

So, my first suggestion is a café or restaurant, if you can get a booking. This removes the stress of anyone having to host the event, cater and clean up before and after. Unless you love hosting, some people do; and that is their way of showing love and care. I love those people. But I am not one of them, so a restaurant or café works better for me personally. Except, as mentioned earlier, bookings are hard to come by not to mention the price tag at an already expensive time of year.

Which brings me to my next suggestion. If you live in Australia, or other parts of the world with nice summer weather at Christmas, a picnic in the park is a great idea. Everyone brings a plate, and those who can’t get a sitter can bring the kids. You can get someone’s father to dress as Father Christmas and make a whole CHEAP event out of it. One of the pro’s of living in Australia, although I admit snow is more festive!  What if you do live in a place where Christmas falls in winter, I hear you ask?

Good question! Usually, community halls can be rented for a small fee, a church space, a library conference room or even better an indoor playground?

Now, it is not lost on me that with the pandemic very much still all around us, that many of you are suffering lockdowns and social distancing. Of course, there is the standard group calls, facetime and group chats. And those can be just as good because nobody has to get out of their pj’s or their warm bed if you live in cold places in order to socialise.

If you cannot meet in person, for whatever reason, maybe make a game where each person has to guess your perfect gift idea then you post it after they have guessed. Alternatively, if they do not live alone, it is a great idea to post it to someone they live with and ask them to hide the gift somewhere in their house and you will give them clues over the phone until they find it.

Of course, this is much more about the time, the conversation and the connections than the gifts. So with everyone chatting it could be an ideal time to each share a family recipe followed by special memories of the dish over the years. Like the dumpling my mum used to make with a hidden coin inside, everyone wanted to find the $2! Haha It was a family favourite and brings back fond memories. Most people have a dish that brings a story to mind.

If cooking isn’t your thing, sharing wrapping tips, decorating or crafting or exchanging gift ideas for parents, children, partners and coworkers is usually useful. Not that you need my suggestions for topics of conversation, but the point is to have at least one point of discussion on the festivities that is positive, because we tend to get bogged down in the responsibilities of it all and forget the joy. It is meant to be a celebration.

And there are still ways you can work together as a team. Maybe you are really great at making wreaths and your friend bakes a mean Christmas cake…. Can you make 2 of each and find a way to swap one for the other? 

Christmas can be a stressful time of year, so let your friends be the people who bring some joy and cheer back into it. Send each other “Elf Yourself” videos or funny Christmas memes, sing bad karaoke to classic Christmas tunes or even just plan the perfect Christmas catch up that you WILL host as soon as you can even if that is August!

Give your friends the gift of your time and attention this year. Give them a smile, hope, something to look forward to and help each other remember this is a celebration even if it feels different.

So, go get planning your get togethers, future or present, and make it festive, fun and funny!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Time To Plan For Your Pals

I cannot quite believe that the end of 2021 is already upon us. Although many of you may be in agreeance that the end of this year cannot come soon enough, is it just me or does time seem to accelerate each year that we age?

When I was little, Santa came but once a year on Christmas eve, and then there was a WHOLE year before he made his visit again. But as an adult, it never ends! As soon as spring rolls around subtle hints and Christmas decorations start landing in stores, until Halloween, after which it just totally explodes. Then you have the after Christmas sales where the bargain hunters gather to get supplies ready for the next year. Those don’t really die down until Easter, and almost as soon as that has passed, the end of year financial sales and toy stores start advertising layby now for Christmas, and it's all on from there.

Luckily, I love Christmas and this time of year makes me happy. I love planning the perfect gift for my friends, carefully wrapping it and watching the joy on their faces as they open the surprise. Many people think it is frivolous to buy gifts for one’s friends at Christmas. They are so weighed down by the pressures of cooking and hosting and buying gifts for family, not to mention the secret Santa at work, that they forget that gifting is a love language.

It isn’t the size of the gift, or the expense, but the thought that went into it that counts. If you know your friend loves lemon squares but they have allergies and can’t find any they can enjoy, and you find a recipe hidden on the internet and make it for them, that demonstrates that you listened. You knew what they loved and you spent time considering their wants and needs then went to the effort of making it for them. That is love.

If you know that your friend loves designer bags and you find one in a charity shop in good condition, that is just as meaningful as buying it new, because you had to search for it and keep your friend in mind.

This is my first December post this year. So this is the time to make a list of your friends and pop down some idea’s of what you could get for them that would make them feel loved and appreciated. It might be as simple as a jar filled with notes outlining all the reasons that you love them, to something as elaborate as a treasure hunt for a friend who might be alone and lonely on the day itself.  Some people like to give a matching diary or calendar (or a personalised one) with 12 catch up dates already pre-planned in each one – the gift of time.

Now is also the time to start jotting down some nice sentiments you can write in their cards too, another way of putting a little more effort into things and personalising the experience. It doesn’t have to be all soppy if that isn’t their (or your) style. It can be a few jokes or memories that make you both smile, because the real gift is cheer!

It is definitely the time to start planning any get togethers you want to plan this month. Start looking at your schedule and reaching out before everyone gets too busy. It doesn’t really matter if you catch up in the first week of December or mid-January, but put those plans in place and make it happen. Even if it means breakfast when you are not a morning person or a late night when you need to be up early for work or with the kids. You have to make the time, make the sacrifice, it is worth it!

I hear you all thinking you would love to have the time. Sighing collectively from your respective houses all over the world! Haha But here is the thing. You do have time. You have a whole month. You have those late nights you are up scrolling to scroll for ideas. You have to find time and or make time. And as the real Christmas spirit is giving, I promise this effort is a reward in itself. You will be just as excited to give the gift as you would be to receive one.

Even if all you have gifted your friend is a gift card, because it is honestly what they would want or need, find a fun way to present it to them. Lots of boxes inside of boxes. Or a riddle that takes them to the next spot where a different riddle is located until they find it. Or a joke like hiding it inside a sex toy box to give them a giggle.

Effort is meaningful. It creates connection. It starts with thought, so this is the time to start thinking and planning!

Don’t forget to share your ideas!!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Giving Thanks To My Friends In Honour of Thanksgiving

Yesterday some parts of the world celebrated Thanksgiving. While it is not something we celebrate here in Australia, it is still worth reflecting on all the things in our lives for which we are grateful. While necessities such as clean drinking water and ample food are definitely up there, friendships are not far behind on the list of things for which I need to give thanks.

In honour of the tradition here is a list of things for which I would like to thank my friends.

Thank you to those of you who hear what I do not say. For those of you intuitive enough to feel the shifts in energy when I am feeling low and care enough to make sure I am ok. Which brings me to my next point.

Thank you to you all for providing that safe space to express myself, for listening to my fears and worries and providing much needed love, guidance and support.

Thank you for the time you take out of your busy lives to stop for a moment with me and enjoy a drink, a meal, a show or an activity.

Thank you for all the laughter, the smiles, the good times and fond memories.

Thank you for all the services you have offered, from babysitting to grabbing something at the shops for me, to picking me up in emergencies, or driving us to the airport at ridiculous hours.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me too, for allowing me to support you, celebrate you and really know you in an unfiltered way.

Thank you for welcoming me into your homes, families and lives and providing that extra network that a smaller family cannot always offer.

Thank you for the birthday gifts, celebrations, gestures and warm words.

Thank you for always sticking by me through the up’s and downs.

Thank you for the graciousness and forgiveness and understanding you have offered in times of need.

Thank you for never judging me behind my back, and holding me accountable to my face.

Thank you for loving me, just the way I am.

Thank you for inspiring me to be better, and bringing diversity into my world.

Thank you for being you and for being part of my happiness.

Thank you for being my friend.

Today I give thanks to my friends; past present and future as each and every one of you brought joy and meaning into my life. Some painful lessons along the way perhaps,  but I loved every single one of you and I am grateful for the part you played in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya’ll! Now money cannot buy friends, but it can buy you a bunch of bargains in the Black Friday Sales! Happy Shopping too! haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Lip service; Hearing Versus Listening

Sitting across from a good friend at a regular catch up, I filled her in on the latest in my life. My second covid vaccination symptoms, my son’s first appointment, my upcoming hotel stay for my birthday with a friend, and my new ring, to name a few. She updated me on the various appointments in her life, travel plans and car issues.  We discussed the menu, reminisced over a divine cheesecake we had at a café a few months back and laughed over her accidentally dropping some custard into my water.

After some time, conversation steered towards the kids, as our chats tends to do, and then expanded to parents, siblings and other extended family. I asked about her relative in hospital, and she asked about my Father’s Day plans, and shared her own. All very normal chit chat.

After we left that day, I popped a reminder in my phone to follow up on a medical issue she was having, and when Father’s Day rolled around, I said I hoped her car issues were resolved in time to get around to the various places. She responded by asking me what my plans were. Although we already covered that, I repeated my plans and we signed off and arranged to catch up again the following week.

When the catch up rolled around, just after Father’s Day, my friend again asked me what I did for Father’s Day! And again, I just told her, and listened to how her day went. I let it go, assuming she brought it up in order to actually talk about what happened with them rather than hear about my less than thrilling plans once again.

Later in the conversation she asked if I intended to get vaccinated, and I told her that I had already been vaccinated. She asked me about my symptoms, and I repeated them. She asked if I planned to get the kids vaccinated when they were eligible. Internally rolling my eyes, I reminded myself that she has a lot on her plate at the moment and can’t be expected to retain silly little details of my life.  Which is true, right?

Except this is common with this friend. She is funny and engaging and I enjoy our time together, but she is also self-involved, and one of these types of people who hears you when you talk but is never actually listening, not really. I am more of an audience for her than a reciprocal conversation. As I am a willing audience, because her life does tend to be more interesting than my own, I let it go.

Initially I thought this friend was wonderful because she asked all the right questions and was so warm and engaging and fun. It took a while for me to realise that everything isn’t what it seems and much of it was little more than lip service. I won’t lie, it was a disappointing realisation, and it took many experiences like this to accept the reality of the situation.

Initially I found it hard to enjoy our friendship after that and it seemed entirely one sided, however I also always seemed to have fun in her company. We enjoyed similar foods and activities, and we laughed a lot. And she valued me because I do listen to her, actively. And I had to acknowledge that she was not going to change. I had to accept her and our friendship the way that it was. I had to stop believing she was listening even when she asked me questions, and know that was her way of introducing a new topic she wanted to discuss.

After I accepted this about my friend, and stopped expecting her to actively listen, 2 things happened. The first was the sense of disappointment disappeared. I was once again able to enjoy her company, and the show she was putting on for my entertainment. The second was that I learned the value of a more light hearted friendship. To tolerate less deep and meaningful conversation, and to really understand the mismatch between levels of connection, and how they develop.

I read once that under 50 percent of best friendships are reciprocated (or something like that.) Meaning that the person you consider a best friend is highly unlikely to consider you theirs, even if they don’t tell you that to your face. Which they usually don’t, because, well, awkward! Haha

My friend considers me a best friend, because she can share with me on a deeper level when she feels the need, and I relate to much of what she is saying. I can validate her feelings and reassure her, and yet we can have a laugh often. I understand what it is that makes me a best friend of hers. However, I honestly think she would be shocked and offended to find I do not feel the same way. Because she tries to be a best friend. She has all the right words, but they are empty.

At the end of the day, her actions speak the truth. Because actions always speak louder than words. And that is the truth. It isn’t always obvious when someone isn’t listening, because they appear to be engaging. But first impressions can be deceiving. Pay close attention. Pun intended!

I am not insinuating that my friend doesn’t care about me. I know without a doubt that she does. I know if I needed someone or something I could turn to her for help, she would come and pick me up at midnight if I needed it. She is in no way a bad friend. She is consistent, fun, affectionate and loyal. And she keeps a secret right? Haha

What I am saying is that I had to accept my friend as she is and not hold her inability to listen to me against her. I have to acknowledge that she tries, she wants to hear me and that is why she asks in the first place. Same as she has to accept that I am not the acts of service friend. I won’t lend money and more often than not I won’t watch the kids. If she held that against me, that would be a real shame, because those traits are unlikely to change either.

True friendship is accepting each other and enjoying what each of you DOES bring to the table and politely overlooking what they don’t, even when it irritates you. It is lowering your expectations, and maybe, to an extent your investment. Not necessarily in them as a person but in them being exactly what you want a “best friend” to be or what qualifies as one.

I am honoured to be my friend’s best friend, and even if I don’t attach the same label to it as she does, it doesn’t mean I value her any less because of that.  It means this is a perfect example of why we need at least 5 best friends, rather than expecting one to meet every need.

Hearing is not the same as listening, hearing is a sense, listening is an action. Your friendships might not depend on it, but the quality of them might. If you want it to be reciprocal, make sure your actions back up what you hear to prove you listened.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do animals count as friends?

My mother-in-law is her own person. She does what she wants, when she wants and isn’t shy about stating things or doing things her own way. She does have friends and she is a lovely person, but it is fairly obvious to all of us that the true friends in her life are her pets and her plants. They are her happy place.

Pets certainly do have their advantages and similarities to friends. They are always there for you, no matter what. They are loyal and loving and they expect nothing more of you than the basic necessities and any scraps of love and attention you have to offer. They don’t get upset that you only play with the hose when you were watering the garden anyway, and they typically don’t hold a grudge. Well, mostly. My cat doesn’t speak to me for a few days if we go away for a night! Haha

Pets are great listeners and they hold all your secrets in no questions asked. They are great at calming people down, and sometimes even save our lives with their heightened senses. They let you cuddle them when you are feeling sad, and they bounce off your energy when you are excited, nervous or happy.  Most of them love to dine with you too.

Another advantage is of course, that pets are always available. They don’t have their own social schedule or commitments, when you feel like company – they are there ready and waiting, and when you don’t, they are just as happy to sleep in their favourite spot in the shade. Added to which they cannot call you out on your bad habits! It is hard to let a pet down, and even if you do, they quickly forgive and forget.

People are not like this, they are not always available, they do have wants needs, expectations and feelings, that they will make your problem! But this is not all bad, because they will also offer advice, offer practical assistance (which your pet wont unless you have an assistance pet I suppose?) and they offer conversation. Like it or not, verbal communication is the human way, and without it life would be a very lonely place.

On the less good side of pets, they are extremely needy and dependant, they can be just as demanding as humans, and more often than not they struggle to take no for an answer! Not to mention that they can make you feel just as guilty with a look if you don’t fill their every whim!

I understand people are close to their pets. I understand that many people think of them as children, companions and best friends. A dog is even called man’s best friend and there is good reason for that. However, I think a person would be lonely, not to mention socially stunted if they only had pets for friends.

Human relationships are as rewarding as they are complex and even complicated. Pets may be the easier option, but the easiest option is seldom the best. We need other humans to challenge us, to teach us to be better, to laugh with and to share human emotions with. To talk to and to listen to. To feel part of a society is important for mental health.

The number of human friends you can handle might be small, and the amount of animal friends you can handle might be much much larger, however one is not better than the other. Do animals count as friends? They certainly do, but if you are using them to hide from humans, I’d be asking yourself why and trying to branch out a little.

While pets are more predicable than humans, and they can be trained, and controlled, and disciplined, you have to ask yourself why you value that so much if you generally dislike people and tend to stick to pets?!

Let’s not forget the saddest thing about pet friendships either, which is that we tend to outlive most of them and painful goodbyes are no less hurtful from animals than people.

Both can bring people great joy, and both can break your heart when the time to leave comes. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. Both are rewarding and special in their own unique ways. Both have merit.

So, yes. Animals do count as friends. But I recommend both for the happiest life.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Growing Pains

Last week we celebrated Halloween, and in that post, I referenced how scary it can be having a best friend. Much of it probably felt like it was aimed at a younger audience, and maybe it was. But in part of it I refenced the fear of growing up, growing apart and growing away from your best friend. I would have thought those things were only for younger people too once upon a time, however life has shown that to be wildly untrue.

We never stop growing and changing, and so these growing pains are things we must deal with at almost every stage of life. It starts when you are young, yes. As you start forming intense friendships, discovering who you are and friendships are pivotal in your life. These years are filled with angst and drama as we navigate who we are and who we want to be and associate with. We cling to the idea that these friendships will be with us for life, yet only for a lucky few is that actually the truth.

I do have friends from high school, and even one from primary school! But certainly, over the years at times our closeness has wavered, sometimes we have been distant friends, other times very close. It all seems to depend on the season of life and the circumstances each season brings. The 30’s are especially tough on friendships as they fall down the priority list in favour of life’s more consuming aspects, such as partnerships, work life and children. Many say the 40’s are only marginally better as you add aging relatives into the mix too. So far so good though, touch wood! Haha

The thing I have noticed about growing pains over the years is this. At any time, somewhat suddenly, life takes us in opposite directions from our friends. You have children when they don’t, then when you start getting some social life back, they have kids that take them away again. They start a new job and move to the country, fall in love and move internationally, take up a new hobby in triathlons that has them training and competing excessively, or any other number of life changes that suddenly make them seem way less available than they were 5 minutes ago. And although it happens over and over, with different friends, and the same, it never seems to get any easier.

The beautiful thing about friendships is that we care. We love our friends and they are paramount to our happiness, so when life puts obstacles and distance between us, it can be hard to handle. It hurts. It can hurt as much as losing that friend entirely, although they are still there. And it is hard and uncomfortable to discuss. Because we want to be happy for our friends, but we also feel sad for ourselves.

I have a friend who is talking about packing in her job and moving to the country. It might be just what she needs for her physical and mental health and reaching her future goals. I know my friend is a bit stuck and worn down and in a rut. I want her to do what she needs to do for herself and I am so proud of her bravery to just make a major change and see what happens. Although we are close, we are different in this respect, she is more carefree than I am. I am more rigid preferring plans and routines that stay the same.

When she told me this plan, and that it was already in motion, I was shell shocked. I couldn’t believe she was making this huge decision and we had never so much as discussed it. Not that she needs to run her life by me, but if I were planning something so big, I would have mulled it over for months first with everyone I know. We are different like that, I know this, but it still shocked me! Then as the exciting news settled in, I started to question what this would mean for our friendship. Our weekly catch ups would be no longer, it wouldn’t be convenient for her to catch a movie or meet for dinner.

This particular friend has usually always come to me, rather than us visiting with her. The simple truth was dropping in to our place was no longer going to be convenient for her, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage to find the time to visit her either. My kids are not young anymore, but they’re also not totally independent either. So, while my friend had romantic visions of me coming to stay for the weekend and soaking in the hot tub with champagne, I knew my responsibilities and obligations here were unlikely to allow that plan to come into fruition.

Added to that I felt overwhelmingly jealous of the friends who would still be able to visit her. The ones who do not have kids and have all weekend to themselves to spend with her. Or the ones with kids whose partners don’t work weekends. Or the ones who share similar work hours and availabilities. It seemed as though this season was bound to bring those people closer in her life, and create more distance between her and I.

And it felt totally like a period of weird grief I was experiencing. Although my friend was still there and still reassuring me, I even had weird dreams that I knew when I was going to die and how, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not to be dramatic. I will not die without my friend, but it felt kinda similar, you know. The inevitable ending, and just watching, waiting for it to happen. And so, I did the only thing I could do. I sat my friend down and we talked it through.

Nothing changed in that conversation, she was still going and she still had romantic ideals about how it would all work out. But she was also able to hear my concerns, validate my grief and I was able to express to her both my gratitude for the time we have spent and my fear for how I would cope with this change. She was able to reassure me that if it is important enough for us both then we will make the effort. At the end of the night, I felt peaceful. If and when she goes, I know I will feel the loss. But I needed a moment to feel those growing pains in order to accept the change and process it.

Then, because I like to feel in control, I decided she is right. If it is important to me, I will make effort even though it would not be convenient, and I hoped she would too. That it is only over if I let it be over, but also that part of not letting it be over was accepting my friend needed to do this for herself and that I needed to support that and stop making it about me.

Growing pains never stop hurting, but as we learn to deal with them instead of running away from them, we grow with them, and so does our friendship. Worst case scenario is that my friend and I are not so close for a few short years until I have more freedoms as my parenting responsibilities lessen and then I make the effort to see her, just as she has made the effort to see me all these years. And as she gets closer to those other friends, not to mention all the new ones she will make, I have to remember my own life will continue on too, because closeness comes and goes, but if you’re lucky, that connection sticks through it all.

Sometimes we need to allow people the space to move away, to grow in their own direction and just hope it grows back in yours one day, and wish them well if it doesn’t.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

6 reasons why your best friend is scarier than Halloween!

Well folks it is that spooky time of year again, when we dress up as zombies and give away sugary treats to the scariest kids in the neighbourhood. Even better if you have a best friend to co-costume with (check out last year’s ideas here!) and share in the sugar. But sometimes having a best friend is the scariest thing of all. Here is why!

1. They know what you look like, not to mention smell like, first thing in the morning, without your hair and face products. They know you; warts and all, your inner demons… and Halloween ain’t got nothing on those!

2. They know all your secrets, and nothing but good vibes between you are stopping them from revealing your inner truths to all and sundry. You hope things stay sweeter than the Halloween treats between you, or things could get ugly fast!

3. They are not tied to you in any way. Ok, unless your best friend also happens to be a sibling or a parent, this person could leave you one day and how would you cope without them? They are the only person who knows how to cheer you up on a bad day, or always knows, (without saying,) what you will order from the menu. Sometimes someone who knows you so well they can see through you, is the scariest thing, because they could act like Casper and ghost at any moment, and you just have to trust that they won’t!

4. They might change into someone you don’t like anymore. This is real and it happens, but usually you grow and change together, while still allowing yourselves the freedoms to explore individuality and try on different personas as the years go on. Believing in different things, or not sharing similar interests or values don’t have to be deal breakers, as long as you don’t pressure each other to be the same as one another, or not to change at all. Try to love each new person your friend becomes, even if you don’t always like parts of them.

5. They have expectations of you! Friendships are our first non-familial bonds where we learn to think about others and show we care just because. This is a wonderful reciprocal thing, but then sometimes we stuff up and let them down, because they expected more of us. It is scary knowing that they have expectations of us because that guarantees eventually you will have conflict and need to resolve it. One of the scariest things on earth for some people!

6. They hold us accountable. Sure, friends support you and lift you up and celebrate you, but they also let you know when you’re being selfish, unreasonable or shady. And seeing a less than pretty image of ourselves in the eyes of others is terrifying, but especially in the eyes of people we trust, value and respect. Ironically, facing our flaws and self-improvement is only made better by their support though, so don’t shy away from critique if it comes from a good place and know that the tables will inevitably turn.

Everything in friendship is a two-way street. The longer you ride together, the more unknown doors you’ll walk through; monsters under the bed you’ll be scared of; skeletons in closets you’ll discover, and ghosts from long ago you’ll encounter! Having a best friend is scary because you care so much!

So, enjoy your Halloween sugary treats together, enjoy the experience and have fun dressing up and roaming the streets, but more than that, pay tribute to the fact that your friendship is both one of the scariest and the sweetest parts of your life!!

Read this post 3 times and it will be 666 – the devil’s number…… SPOOKY?! Hahahaha Rolls eyes. I tried!

Happy Halloween Folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Left on Read.

Last week I posted about being a bad friend. In one of the points, I talked about forgetting to respond to friends’ messages. This week, I wanted to explore that further and address the pros and cons of instant messaging technology and expectations around it.

The technology was created to meet demand. When it was first introduced, we loved the ability to be able to contact our nearest and dearest wherever they were whenever we needed to. In emergencies it was wonderful to be able to phone someone if you had a flat tyre, or needed immediate help. And initially that is what we used it for. Then, slowly over time, mobiles became the main hub of communication. First people stopped having land lines in preference of mobiles. Then they were able to send text messages, take and send pictures and emails, host social media, and all of a sudden everyone is connected to everyone else all the time.

And while you would think this would make our connections stronger, it sometimes has the adverse effects. For a start it gives people constant access to us, and us to others, at times when we may actually not really be accessible. It created the pressure and expectation of instant responses. And while that is a major selling point of the devices, it is also one of the major pitfalls too. Isn’t that ironic, Alanis?

We used to call landlines and leave a message on an answering machine, when they were invented, and wait patiently for a response. If we didn’t get one, we assumed they either weren’t home or forgot to check their messages and we would simply call back later. If it was an emergency, we called places we thought they may be, and got a group of people involved in tracking them down! Haha Now, however, we can see when they have read the message and how long between that time and their reply has lapsed. Adding a further layer of controversy, we can even see if the person was online not replying to us in the meantime! Talk about insult to injury! Haha

First of all, I would like to state that these things are not always accurate. My mum messaged me when she thought I was online. I replied a few hours later and she said she saw me online when she sent the message. As I was very stressed correcting my son’s maths homework, making dinner and rushing to get fuel and then get my daughter to gymnastics, I was not at all online I assure you. So that is my first point.

My second, is why should we be important enough to interrupt a friend’s important work meeting, or relaxation bath or time with family or other friends for example? Are people not allowed to be unavailable to us? Are they not allowed to get back to us in their own time? We really need to check our expectations here for instantaneous responses. Even if we feel we need one or it would’ve been simple for them to send a quick yes or no, for example, we actually have no idea where they are or what they are doing and maybe lose sight of the fact that our communication was not a top priority for them in that moment.

I am writing this, in part, to hold myself accountable for this mistake as much as anyone else, and take responsibility for the fact that I sometimes take it way too personally if a friend leaves me on read, especially if I see they have been online, despite my knowledge that this is not always accurate. To remind myself that it is ok that sometimes other things are more important for my friend than me.

It serves as a reminder also, that it is so easy to read a message and then get distracted and forget to reply! Honestly it is. You think to yourself you just have to pop to the bathroom quickly before you respond. When you are in the bathroom, you notice you are low on toilet paper and need to add it to your list. When you return to your phone it is still on your friend’s message, but you close it to quickly add toilet paper to your shopping app before you forget.  When you close the list, you see you have an email or a Facebook notification and just like that you have forgotten all about your friend’s communication.

I get it. It happens. Maybe you don’t remember until the next day, and you know your friend will be a bit upset because you know they spoke to you and you left them hanging. So, you do the right thing and apologise for forgetting, admit you got distracted and things move along. However, there is an unwritten timeframe you have to recover from this faux pas. Every day that passes that you still don’t remember is silence to a friend who is trying to be patient while waiting for a reply. And silence sends a strong message that gets ironically louder each day it goes on.

The first day your friend thinks you were busy at work and you will get back to them later, after dinner when you wind down for the day. After that they justify that you fell asleep early, or had to work late and didn’t get a chance to respond, and they will definitely hear from you by the next day. When that also doesn’t happen, they start to read over their message. Was it offensive or insensitive in some way? Have they upset you? Are you deliberately ignoring you? The next day they are mad. How dare you just leave them on read like they aren’t worthy of a response. You spoke to them and they completely ignored your communication. Even if they forgot to reply, are you not important enough to them to even have crossed their mind this week to jog their memory?

Now, both parties have to take responsibility here, because often, the person who forgot feels bad and doesn’t know how to approach the conversation now that they have left you on read for a week, they are embarrassed and ashamed and they know they have hurt you. If this happens to you, own up to it and apologise. You do owe them an apology. If you are the waiting party, why did you keep waiting? Why not send your friend a reminder message saying “still waiting for an answer in case you got busy and forgot?!”

We need to be more forgiving and understanding of each other. People forget things, and people get hurt and upset by things. Nobody is inherently bad because of this miscommunication. Our expectation for instant replies is part of the problem, as is our constant busyness. We both need to work on making our communication meaningful and it means remembering to give each other the benefit of the doubt. That I understand you didn’t reply because you got busy and you forgot and it wasn’t that important to you, and I will forgive you if you own up to it and apologise and try to do better in the future.  

Let’s try and do our best to think the best of each other and not the worst!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ten signs you are being a bad friend, and how to be better.

Have you wondered to yourself if you are a bad friend? Or worse, been outright accused, judged and sentenced for the crime? Despite your best efforts, do you always feel you are letting a friend down? Honestly, human nature makes us all selfish or self-involved at times. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. However, if this is a pattern or a persevering insecurity, here is a list of 10 traits that may make you seem like a bad friend, and what to do instead!

Friendships are important to us all and nobody tries to be a bad friend, we all want to consider ourselves and our friendships good, even if all of us are guilty of one or two of these things. The issue is when you recognise yourself or your friend in ALL the traits, in which case, maybe send them the link to this article! Haha  

1. You never ask how they are.

Ok, I have a friend who will tell me how she is without me even needing to ask, but for the most part, this basic way of showing you care goes a long way. Particularly if that friend was experiencing something major in their life at the time you last spoke. Even if you are like my friend, and pretty open with how you are, do not make the mistake of thinking everybody is the same. Take the time to ask your friend how they are, how their family or important people are, how their relationships or work is, and leave space for them to answer.

2. You don’t listen.

Maybe this should have been point number one, because if this is you, chances are you don’t remember if your friend was experiencing something big last time you spoke in order to follow up now! You may think that you are listening, and asking all the right questions, but if you don’t listen it will be evident pretty quickly.  I had a friend who listened to me whinge about a situation I was in for at least a year, and supported me when I finally made the change to remove myself. I spoke about this at great length and my friend said all the right things, and remembered to ask about it at our catch up’s. However, a while after I removed myself, I mentioned that situation again in casual conversation and my friend was perplexed and surprised saying she had not realised the key reason I decided to remove myself. It was clear then that while she was hearing me each time, she wasn’t actually listening. And now that I know that about her I notice all the time ways in which she isn’t actually paying attention to me, but rather thinking about what she will say next or something else entirely. Listen closely enough to your friends that you have a full understanding of what they are saying, ask relevant questions, and remember the details, even if you need to put reminders in your phone to help you out!

3. You make all conversations about yourself.

Sometimes this is an innocent mistake. Your friend experiences something and wants to share it with you. And because you are listening, it really resonates with you. So you share the story about the time it happened to you, and before you know it, in an effort to relate, you have stolen the conversation and your friend is not venting anymore, but listening. At best, you can catch yourself and bring it back to the friend by saying this is what I thought and felt, and did, what did you think and feel and say and do? At worst, while trying to relate to your friend you have actually shut them down and indicated that you are not a safe person to talk to. Make sure all conversations give both people room to speak and share. Or only one of you will feel connected and you may be oblivious to the fact your friend isn’t and equally surprised if the friendship ends.

4. You cancel at the last minute all the time!

We all have an emergency or unforeseen issue from time to time that makes us need to cancel plans at short notice. A sick kid, a vehicle issue, a headache, or a meeting that runs over time for example. These things are forgivable and understandable. As individual occurrences. That said, should your kid be sick, then next time your car wont start, then the time after that you have a headache, followed by a meeting that runs late, you better believe you are going to have friendship issues. Face to face time with our friends is important and it takes equal investment from both parties to make it rewarding. Even if all those things genuinely happen, your friend will be questioning your investment if every other thing was more important than them. Because you make time for what is important. You uber over if your car wont start, or ask them to pick you up instead, you tell your boss you can’t work late because you have important plans, or you take a paracetamol and get on with it. Because showing your friend they are important to you is just as important as saying they are.

5. You never initiate contact.

I can be totally guilty of this one at times. Sometimes it is genuine insecurity that the person in question doesn’t want to hear from me. But those insecurities are normally brought on by the other factors on this list which have sent me the message that I am not, or friendships in general are not a priority for my friend. Other times we just get lazy. I know I have one friend who reaches out to me almost daily. I love that she remembers and thinks about me and I don’t have to worry because she will initiate. However when I have that attitude I rob her of the opportunity to know that I care and I thought about her too. Friendships are reciprocal, which means you should be equally invested and each feel equally welcome to initiate. What to do? Initiate contact. Just say hello, let them know you were thinking of them. Ask to arrange some time together. It’s pretty simple.

6. You forget to reply to messages or invitations.

So you have a friend who always initiates, and you love that they do because you are always so busy and stressed that you would never see them if they didn’t take control and pin you down? Except when they try, you forget to respond, because, well, like you already said, you are always so busy! You meant to respond, but just had to quickly dash to the loo first, and then you got distracted and left them on read for a week? Let me tell you that this will not be appreciated. Even if you genuinely did forget, you were important enough that this person approached you and tried to engage, and they were not even important enough to remember to respond to?  It is the equivalent of someone walking up to you on the street and saying hello, and you stopping to tie your shoe, then just walking away from them without a word. Now we all know how intrusive phones can be, because they interrupt you at times when your friends typically wouldn’t be able to contact you before. I am an advocate of replying in your own time. (More on this topic coming soon!) But make sure you do respond in a timely manner, or shoot a quick message to ask you again later as you are busy right this second and unlikely to remember.

7. You never make the effort.

This can be a culmination of all the factors. Maybe you don’t listen well, don’t ask how they are, remember details of their lives, talk about yourself constantly, let them initiate, only respond half the time when they do and flake often. In which case, you are sending your friend a pretty strong message that you are only interested when you have literally no other options and they should probably invest elsewhere. But sometimes it isn’t that simple. Sometimes this means that they are the one who always has to book the restaurant, or drive or bring the movie snacks. Maybe they are the one who always has to suggest time together or it will never happen. Most people will let this slide initially, but after a while they will become resentful that it always somehow feels like they are chasing your time and attention. Like you are more important to them than they are to you. A grand gesture once in a while goes a long way, but consistent effort is the only real solution to this one. And if your friend honestly isn’t as important, maybe it is time to let them go so they can find people who do value them as highly. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

8. You Phub them.

Ok, so you do listen and you do remember the details and you do initiate contact and show up when you say you will. But then while you are there, you are glued to your phone. You have to be present when you are present and your friend has to know, has to feel that presence from you in order to feel connected. Put your phone away and engage with your friend. If you find yourself struggling to pay attention or losing interest, wondering what that latest buzz might be, remind yourself that your friend and your friendship is equally as important and you don’t want to have a phone addiction…..

9. You’re too competitive.

If your friend just bought a new car and you hear yourself listing all the reasons why your car is better than theirs, or if they got a promotion and you find yourself thinking that you still get paid more than they do, you’re probably too competitive. Remember friendship is team work, working toward a common goal, supporting one another to get there, not a competition or comparison to make you feel better about yourself. This can work in reverse too, maybe your accident was way worse than theirs or your bills are way higher, so they have nothing to complain about. Same thing but backwards. We listen, support, congratulate and lift our friends, working with them, not next to them or against them and they are entitled to their successes and failures in their own right too.

10. You make them feel bad about themselves

I guess this one goes without saying really. Light hearted banter is one thing, but if you are always taking it one step too far and upsetting your friend then stop it immediately. If you put friends down, to their face or to others behind their backs, this says more about you than your friend. Misery loves company, so maybe it is jealousy or discomfort, but whatever it is, do not make it their issue. If you don’t have anything nice to say or do then don’t say anything at all. I remember the time a friend started wearing scarves, and I laughed in her face the first time and said she looked silly in that scarf. That was over 10 years ago and it still haunts me, because it was unkind. And I suspect I was jealous because I didn’t have the confidence to wear a scarf. Now I do and I love them! It just wasn’t nice. Be kind!! Always.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Should friends hold one another accountable?

I’m certain I must have mentioned by now my love of trashy reality tv shows, right? So, it should come as no surprise that I was watching Love Island UK a few weeks ago, and one of the disagreements between the characters stuck with me.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, it is a dating game, where they put attractive young singles into a summer villa and make them pair up in the hopes of winning a prize at the end. Usually, the people they couple up with initially are not the people they are still with at the end, so there is a fair amount of competition between them for the desired love interests. What happened in the episode that stuck with me was this….

Toby was seeing Kaz. But then Chloe came into the game and he ditched Kaz in preference for the new girl. Him and Chloe got fairly serious, until Abi came into play, at which time he had to choose between Chloe and Abi. As he was discussing this with the boys, I believe there was footage of his mate Hugo saying that Toby couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. That he couldn’t expect the girl he didn’t choose to wait around and still give him a chance. Each time the couples had to recouple, there was a ceremony. At this particular ceremony, Toby chose the new girl Abi, and effectively broke Chloe’s heart, not to mention humiliated her. Hugo was quick to come to Chloe’s defence, saying things along the lines of the fact that Chloe deserved better than that. He recoupled with Chloe; however, she rejected any romance between them and he consoled her over Toby. Toby was outraged and never forgave Hugo for calling him out and holding him accountable in front of the group. He said Hugo never shared his opinion to his face. I actually think he did, but we may never know for sure.

My question is, does a good friend hold you accountable, and does circumstance matter? I got the impression Toby wouldn’t have been able to handle the negative feedback regardless of the public forum. In his eyes, it appeared to be a question of loyalty. If Hugo was a loyal friend, was it his role to simply keep his opinions to himself, and offer support no questions asked? Hugo had different ideas, thinking that a good friend does hold you accountable, so that you can acknowledge mistakes, learn from them and grow into a better person.

Should loyalty be blind? It clearly comes down to mismatched values between the 2 people involved. One valued honesty and growth, and the other valued unconditional support. The incident affected how each man saw his friend; and neither of them were particularly impressed with what was seen under this new light. Their friendship never really recovered.

I suspect both players actually had a point, and loyalty and accountability can coexist. Toby’s point was that Hugo should have pulled Toby for a private chat, and expressed his concerns in a gentle concerned manner. The way he did it publicly served to humiliate his friend and in effect, he did actually choose Chloe over their friendship. As he had romantic intent toward Chloe, even if she didn’t reciprocate, this perhaps clouded his judgement and made him a bit more judgemental.  However, Hugo also had a point that Toby was unwise, and unkind to treat Chloe the way that he did and he should not have blindsided her with that rejection publicly either.

In most situations, when a disagreement occurs in a friendship over something not directly related to the 2 people involved, both parties actually have made mistakes that need to be owned and acknowledged, or there is no real way forward. I do think it is a friend’s place to share with you their opinions and tell you if something they do or say doesn’t sit right with them, however I also think that once that opinion has been aired, they should not expect that advice to necessarily be taken. In this situation Hugo obviously had torn loyalties as he was close with both players and he found himself in a difficult predicament. It isn’t unusual in these situations for the person in the difficult position to feel forced into choosing a side. Certainly, they are within their rights to do so.

Say for example Toby had been married to Chloe and having an affair with Abi, after starting his relationship with Chloe also as an affair on Kaz, Hugo would be within his rights to say that those values do not align with his own, and Toby was not the kind of person with whom Hugo would like to be friends, although the behaviour didn’t impact him directly, it did not sit well with him to support this kind of activity.

I have found myself in Hugo’s position twice. The first time I confronted the friend in question about shady hurtful behaviour, and she too questioned my loyalty. In the end, in that circumstance, I did choose to remove myself from the life of the person who’s values and behaviours no longer seemed to mesh with mine.  The second time, I tried to hold the first friend accountable and they were not interested in my feedback. Having learnt my mistake from the first encounter, I did not push the issue, However, knowing that the previous incident had brought up questions of loyalty, I also felt I could not warn the other friend about what was happening behind their back. So, in order to be loyal to one friend, I was effectively not being loyal to the other. This didn’t sit well with me either, and eventually I chose to exit the situation with both people, which was sad as I lost 2 close friends.

So maybe I am wrong. Maybe loyalty and accountability can only co-exist when you are holding the person accountable for behaviours, they have done to you personally and reserve feelings and judgement on how they treat others? What I should have done, and maybe what Hugo should have done too, is say to the other person privately “I love and respect you, I don’t wish to lose our friendship, but your behaviours and choices are putting me in a very difficult position and we need to discuss this and find a way around it.”

Usually though, the person is going to do what they want to do, and they are likely to minimise your thoughts and feelings in the matter anyway, and basically proclaim that you have no right to feelings or opinions about a situation doesn’t involve you directly. So honestly, I think you have to decide what is more important to you, choose, even if that means taking sides, and know you chose what was right for you, regardless of what was right for them.

If however, your friend has done something to you directly, then you absolutely should hold them accountable, just do it in a way that lets them know you want to reconcile the issue and work towards the common goal of a healthy connection again, because accountability does make us all feel vulnerable and judged, and we all need to know our friends still love and respect us, even when we mess up!

What are your thoughts and experiences on this? I’d love for you to share them!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The friends who know you sometimes better than you know yourself.

We are all familiar with the media depictions of the best friend characters who are inseparable, have a very long history and they know and fit each other like gloves. I like to think many of you have friends like this too. More often than not these characters know one another better than each know his or herself. For example, one will know that the other will be late to his or her wedding because he or she is always late, even though the person themselves swears they will definitely not be late to something like a wedding. Something always happens to justify both plot lines, doesn’t it? Like the person was running early but then they get trapped in a fire and arrive late or whatever other unlikely thing gets in the way!

The reason we love it is because it is fantasy and it fits in with the illusion that people can be neatly categorised into one box and will never move far outside of set expectations. It sells the idea that long term friendships exist and that with that consistency comes a deep understanding of someone. And of course, the idea that friendships never end, which is definitely fantasy. However, sometimes you do meet a rare someone who does seem to know you better than you know yourself, or at least better than you would expect given that you are not lifelong inseparable friends who grew up together on a farm etc…!

It may not be because of your deep connection, maybe some people are just exceptionally intuitive. Perhaps they read body language better than most or are simply more observant. But these are the people who seem to know when you are not ok. When they sense things are “off” with you despite you trying hard to conceal whatever inner turmoil you are experiencing. I have written before about the power of a friend who hears the things you do not say, and these are just the friends I am talking about.

Perhaps what is magical about them is that they seem to be paying attention. They tune in to your energy and look past what you are saying and doing. They want to understand you and help you, if only you will let them. We don’t always do that. Sometimes these people scare us and we push them away, preferring to believe the image we present to the world that all is ok. Other times we may deny the issue, or minimise it insisting we will be alright. While this is true, the process would probably be quicker if we open the door and let them in. After all, only a select few even knock to begin with.

I have a friend like this, and it took me a very long time to start opening up to her. Yet, with relative consistency and patience, she pulls out of me the things I dare not say out loud. She does not ever judge me, always listens with an open heart and mind, even when her own plate is full, which it most often is. I know because she shares with me too in such a beautifully unrestricted way, that it gives me permission to do the same.

And the interesting thing is, the more I lean in to this friend, the more I let her in, the more in tune with her I become as a result. The more I start to intuitively sense that I need to reach out to her. The more comfortable I become with initiating conversations at random without invitation, the more we share. And suddenly it is clearer when she is venting and when she is at breaking point. Or when she is excited or confused or overwhelmed.

We have a tendency to assume everyone else’s problems are worse than our own. And to be perfectly fair and frank, her problems are worse than mine. Which is why it means so much to me that she puts them aside for a moment to make space for my seemingly small woes and encourages me to see value in my own voice as much as anyone else’s. That she can ask me to talk about what is on my mind before I am consciously aware that anything is on my mind, or before it festers into a mountain when it could have stayed a molehill.

In return I try and turn her mountains back into molehills, or at least prevent them from becoming active volcanoes.

To my friend who knows me better than I know myself emotionally, thank you for taking the time to tune in to me and to notice when I am not ok even when I am trying to be ok. I don’t know how you read me so well, or how you read everyone so well. But I do know you are worth your weight in gold and I don’t want you to have to sense it, I want to tell you how much I love you and how valuable you are to me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Phubbing!

Last week I wrote a heartfelt post about a close friend and my feelings over her eventual path into motherhood. At the end of the post I made a joke about the time and attention that she currently offers, that I share with her phone!!! Haha Well, just after I wrote it, I came across this article on “Psychology Today” dated 28th June 2019, titled “Do You Phub The People You Love?”

Initially it caught my attention because I did not know what ‘Phubbing’ actually is, so I wanted to know if I do phub the people I love! Haha In the “Google Dictionary” from Oxford Languages, Phubbing is listed as “the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device.”

Guilty as charged…… sometimes anyway. I would be downright lying if I said I never did this. Just the other day while I was out with my lovely mum, we arrived at our destination and she sat there silently for 5 minutes while I sent a message to a friend. Then after an altercation with the staff at our destination, I sat for another 10 minutes composing an email of complaint to the company involved. So I definitely am guilty of this sometimes.

However, I do like to think I do not do this to excess and I do try to be present with the people in my company most of the time. (I admit it gets greyer when the people in my company are the people with whom I live… to be honest we all do this to each other probably far too often. However when home is your downtime place, it can be hard to set those limits as to when it is connection time and when we each need that time to zone out from one another.) Back to my point, specifically with friends.

Friends are the people with whom I have chosen to spend my precious time, and who have equally chosen to spend that time with me. While I will admit to checking my notifications briefly, when in the company of friends I try to only respond when it is important and ignore the rest until later. Because I know how it feels to be phubbed on a regular basis, and I admit it phRubs me up the wrong way. So much so that I have spoken to my psychologist about it.

My psychologist; the one I will never tire of telling you drives the BMW, haha, tells me it is ok for me to ask my friends to put down their phone and be present with me. I have at least one friend who holds this expectation of me, so she serves as an example that this can be achieved. I guess I just feel sad that I should have to ask, and reluctant to embrace this technology ban knowing I too at times need to access my phone in the company of a friend.

Now if we go back to my earlier example of time with my mum, I explained to her that I was responding to an important message from a friend, and shared with her the circumstance of why it was important, so she understood and felt more actively involved in the experience. Later on she knew I was emailing a complaint and she was in support of that action. However, the friend in question from last week’s blog knows this is an issue for me, and she does not stop, perhaps despite her best efforts.

What bothers me most, is that she usually is not responding to something urgent. As a matter of fact, she is usually not responding to anything or anyone, at all. Her faux pas is usually playing games on her phone. She does this while we watch movies in the cinema (if she is awake!) She also does this while we sit and chat at my house. She does this at the nail salon, even if she only has one available hand!!! Now, I am fairly sure this particular friend has ADHD, undiagnosed, and therefore cannot seem to control this impulse to do something with her hands. I try to be understanding of this, and to her credit, she does seem to remember things I have said when she was seemingly distracted.

But what I do know, is, for example, this friend has found herself somewhat excluded from a group friendship, in large part due to the fact that she does not wish to participate in the incessant daily chats and messages from the group in question, claiming she cannot be tied to her phone all day. And I also know at least one member of the group has made comment about her constant use of the phone and made comments that hurt my friend when it was discovered she was playing games in the company of the group.

What perhaps she doesn’t realise, is that her friend making the comment was also hurt that rather than engaging actively, my friend was choosing to be on her phone. I actually think that is part of the reason my friend was more drawn to group settings than I am…. Because she felt it was more acceptable to phib a large group, when everyone had others to interact with instead of her. Kind of a way to feel included, without actually needing to be present. I guess she was wrong.

On the face of things, it really is insulting to disengage from conversation – in person, or particularly online, and claim you cannot be tied to your phone all day when we all know you never put the damned thing down! Lol

However, when I speak to my friend about it, she explains that in her job she is needed to engage all day with people, after work hours she is still expected to be on the job mentally with emails and tasks coming through, and often she is scrolling new ideas to bring to work. When you take into account her career is of upmost importance to her, it makes sense. Added to that, with the aforementioned ADHD, she is often online shopping, planning trips with the family, booking dogs into daycare, buying and selling things on community webpages and looking up new recipes. Her mind just does not stop.

Therefore, the games help her distract herself from a busy mind, so that she can focus more on what is being said around her. Because they are kind of mindless, and yet still feed that need to not be still. Being still means sleeping, and she will often even use her phone for that too, playing whale sounds, or watching videos, to allow her brain to fully turn off. Without a diagnosis and medication, I do not forsee this problem resolving itself.

So I have learned to deal with the Phubbing, to accept it and know at times I am just as guilty. And sometimes it does mean I am more engaged in the screen than the person I am with, Maybe that is a heads up to them to be more interesting?! Haha (That was a joke y’all, relax! Haha) Sometimes we make plans and we see those plans through, but when we made them we didn’t know we would start dating someone between now and then and it would be too intoxicating to ignore. Or that our aunt would be having a crisis etc…..

I think we all need to accept phubbing is here to stay along with the technology that brings it, however we all need to be both accountable and aware, as well as forgiving, and understanding. If the phone is someone’s coping mechanism, then maybe it is ok to pull yours out too? If you can’t beat em, join em? Haha I am off to play spot the difference! Lol Catch you next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What to expect when your best friend is expecting?

Last week I wrote about all the ways you can expect your friendship to change when your friend is pregnant and you aren’t. This week I wanted to follow up with a more personal recount from someone who isn’t expecting, but someone who was once and who has been there. The benefit of my experience may help you as I hope it helps me now… I was the first among my group of friends at the time to get pregnant and have a baby. While it was an exciting time, being the first one was tough. Nobody really knew what I was going through. None of them really understood or related. They were all still living life as it was while I was taking a path unknown to us all.

Of course, they were behind me all the way. Trying to stay beside me on my path while their own verged off in different directions. Some weren’t too far behind, and I got to be the friend that they could relate to, while others were happier to travel the world and not settle down as such. But as much as they tried, motherhood took me into a whole new life I was relatively unprepared for… and a whole new world filled with all new things.

While those friends still wanted to talk about dating and weekend plans, all I had to contribute was the latest poop or feeding schedule. If I did manage a social outing it was a movie at mums and bubs, which let us feel like we were still people with lives, although we were all too busy with babies to see any of the actual film. It isn’t a surprise looking back that many of my pre-baby friendships didn’t last the distance.

Yes, I used this twice (once last week and again this week) on purpose to show how it is applicable both ways.

Now I am blessed with a pre-teen and a teenager, and finally am enjoying friendships, a more active social life to an extent, and the kids are old enough to stay up late enough to attend parties, if we have to bring them. Social freedom tastes sweet. Many of my closest friends at this stage are in the same position, and the excitement about the light at the end of the tunnel is palpable amongst us all.

However, along the way, I have become close in particular with a single childless woman. This woman has helped me raise my children and been there for me in the trudges of motherhood in unexpected ways. She is a natural mother, mothering me, my children, her nieces and nephews, the children in her field of work and her fur babies. However, as chance would have it, she has not been blessed with children of her own, and she longs for one. My heart honestly aches for her. It is in the essence of her being, she was born to be a mother, and yet, her journey has not taken her down that path. It is not a lie to say I want more than anything for my friend to fulfil her dreams and become a mother.

However, I can’t lie, I have wondered how it will impact our friendship when she does become a mother. Even thinking about it is tinged with a sadness for me. I will miss her. That is not to say that I won’t support her. I will, of course I will. I owe her that much. She has helped me and been there for me with my children and I hope to love her children just a fiercely and actively. However, just as I walked a different path from my friends at the beginning of my pregnancy journey, she will walk a different path to mine. Her world will be filled with new mothers and baby movies, while I am talking of travelling and date nights!

She will no longer be available for our comedy nights or escape rooms or shopping trips. No longer will she come here and help the children with homework while I prepare dinner or casually stop by after work. She will need me to be the one going to her. Listening to her talk about poop and feeding and sleep. Helping her with the baby so she can tend to the endless washing. Wrangling the dogs so she can manage the pram. Showing up at her house with coffee so she can sleep through our girl’s night in, face mask and all.

And I have to admit, already I mourn the life we have now, although we still have it. In many ways I want it to end because it is at her expense if it doesn’t. I will not be happy if she is not happy and she will not be happy without a baby. Whether she will be happy with one, remains to be seen. Because I have been there, and I know it has some dark days. I am not filled with joy at the prospect of going through it all again, even if it is vicarious.

However, on the bright side, at the end of the day, the child, and most of the burden will be her own. I can feel the kicks on the outside, not on the inside. I can help for an evening and return to my freedom. I can support her knowing how hard it is, without assuming responsibility for that sacrifice. And I know her journey as a working mother will be so different to my own. In some ways harder, in many ways easier.

Our friendship will change, and I expect that change. That is what I expect. But the onus is going to be on me to still make her life happier and easier as she has done for me. The onus will be mine to make the connection meaningful and to be forgiving and understanding when she does not have the time and attention to give, or to wish her well as she ventures onto this new world and hope she finds me again when the smell of freedom finds her again in 10 years or so!

Meanwhile all I can really do is continue being as supportive as I can be, while making the most of the time I have left with her undivided time and attention, well, the time and attention I share with her phone that is…. Maybe it won’t be so different after all! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What to expect when your Bestie is expecting; and you’re not!

Last week we talked about new parents and tips for them to make new friends. But what about when your friend is on that journey without you?

You can expect this post to be long, and if you can’t be bothered reading it until the end, then you can expect that you might not be patient enough to make your friendship work!

So, your friend is expecting, and you are not…This subject can be a particularly delicate and dividing one. It is especially tender when you wish to be expecting but for whatever reason, you are not. The jealousy and resentment that results can be crippling, and it is a difficult situation to be in. If you are suffering this particular type of pain, I truly am sorry. Your pain is real and it is valid and it matters. It won’t be easy to stay good friends unless you really can be honest and empathetic towards one another. I hope you can.

However, this post isn’t about that. This post relates to the fear that some friends suffer when they learn a close friend is having a child, and how things will inevitably change. And they will change, which is why you need to know what to expect. I know, because I was the first among my group of friends to become pregnant, and more recently, I face the prospect of a close friend getting pregnant as my own children reach a much more independent stage of life.

Posts I have read on the subjects are heavy with emotion and typically not well received.  The person who is not having the child is generally labelled selfish and his or her fears about the friendship are minimized. They are said to be immature and unsupportive. If you are the friend who fears losing your bestie to his or her pending offspring, I feel you. Your pain is also real and it is also valid. And the bad news is that I can’t promise you that your friendship will last, sadly.

However, the good news is that it is up to you whether your friendship lasts the distance and how close you and your bestie remain. Because things are going to change, that much is certain…. So you are going to have to change right along with them… Some of these changes will be challenging, and will require you to start thinking much more about what you give than what you get in return.

So, what can you expect? You can expect that you will hear from your friend less, and when you do hear from them, most of what they have to say will be about the baby. They will be unlikely to be able to string a coherent sentence together, for a few reasons. The most obvious one is lack of sleep. Mix that with new brain chemistry and hormones, heightened anxiety and responsibility, not to mention the constant distraction and interruptions you are going to learn to expect, means that you might end up feeling a little invisible and frustrated.

It goes both ways!

Your friend still loves you, and they still care about your life. However, they hardly have time to focus on themselves and their own life, so you will need to be understanding that they cannot fill from an empty cup right now. This new being has become their life, and your friend is more disoriented by this change than you are, trust me! If you think you miss nights on the town and brunching because your hangover means you don’t rise until noon, you have no idea how much your friend misses those things too! The difference is that those things are still possible for you, albeit with different people, while for the foreseeable future, sleeping in past 6am is no longer a possibility for your new parent friends.

You can expect to swap talking for listening. You can expect to stay in rather than go out. You can expect to offer to make them tea, although you are the guest at their house. Bonus points for bringing the hot beverage with you. And food. You can expect nights in past bed time to include them falling asleep or catching up on housework, or any combination of both. You can expect to give much more than you receive.

You will be expected to bond with the baby. Even if your friend knows you don’t do babies and even if they acknowledge that you feel a little jealous and pushed out by them right now. You can’t beat the baby because it depends on them for life, and their life depends on it living, so what is it they say? If you can’t beat them; join them. The more invested and interested you can be in the baby, the closer you will be as a friend.

I know from experience how powerful it is to feel the bond with someone who bonds with your child. I also know from experience the hurt and disappointment a mother can feel when you don’t show the level of interest in her child as she hopes. So while you might be rolling your eyes inside and thinking “a talking human, alert the media” as they excitedly tell you all the new words in the child’s growing vocabulary, a better way to bond is to be excited by this change and make jokes about how you can now teach it hilariously inappropriate new words. (It is unwise to follow through on this though!) Similarly, you will be expected to fiercely care about any adversity the baby faces and do all you can to assist, no matter how inconvenient it is.

Which brings me to my next point. You can expect to be flexible. Leaving the house with a baby or child is not as simple as leaving the house as a child free adult. There is a multitude of packing and planning that has to go into it now, and much of the time it isn’t worth it to new parents. They feel more comfortable staying in the place that has all the things they need, because wow do small humans need a lot of things. So that translates loosely to the fact that while your friend would love to catch up with you for lunch, and it seemed like a good plan when they said yes, when the day arrives and the baby is extra fussy and didn’t sleep, chances are your friend is going to cancel.

This isn’t personal. But if the baby doesn’t sleep in the pram, and then they miss their naptime, your friend’s whole day maybe even days will be ruined, as the baby will be unsettled for a long period of time. It is really important that you expect and accept that none of this is about you. If your friend is ok with the idea – you can always be agreeable and offer to bring lunch to them. However they may also just want to catch up on much needed sleep. So unless you are prepared to watch the baby so they can do that, you might have to get used to the idea you wont see or hear from your friend much for a few years.

I know that can make it really hard to keep a connection alive. It can make the friendship seem really one sided and unrewarding. I hear you. Because it is. The good news is that this is temporary. Your friend will surface from this in a year or 2, maybe 5, when you account for siblings and the number of years before the child starts school. So, if you can think of it like an extended break, an overseas holiday for example, that perspective might help.

You can expect your friend won’t share the same hours as you anymore. If they take the first year off work for example, they will be available in the times you are at work. Then on weekends, chances are they will have extended family they want to share their baby with. This will mean you will be less of a priority. The reason for this tends to be because a mother, the child’s grandmother, for example, is generally more helpful, and equally invested in the baby as your friend. Visiting with them makes your friends life easier. Their parents probably don’t ask them for much conversation, but do tend to the baby so your friend can rest. Not to mention extended family and cousins that the baby may interact with.

You can expect both of you to make new friends. Your friend is experiencing a powerful life change, and it will be normal and important for her to bond with other people who share that experience, and as her life moves forward, their child will continue to bring new friendships into their life. So, you will have to learn to share what limited time is left. Naturally you will also gravitate towards people more available to your schedule too. This can bring about raw and heavy emotions in you both as each of you may feel insecure of these new connections. You can expect to trust and encourage each other in this new phase and feel secure that you will come back together again.

When I reflect on the friendships I have now that I still had before children, and I admit there are not many, the friends that lasted the distance kept showing up. No matter how distant I was or how disinteresting I was. They didn’t demand too much of me, and they showed up to my house consistently. If you keep showing up and finding ways to be part of your friend’s life, you can expect to stay friends.

Only you will know if it is worth showing up for. There is no right or wrong answer. I don’t blame the friends who walked away or drifted off when I didn’t have much to offer. But the ones who kept showing up earned a special spot in my heart. As did the new ones who started showing up. And when it was their turn, I kept showing up. I was flexible. I made allowances. I listened to boring baby talk, vented about parenting, bought cute gifts, remembered and followed up on occasions and appointments. I babysat while they slept, I brought food and did dishes. I tolerated long periods of space and flakiness and didn’t make it about me. And slowly over time, conversation started widening again, occasional nights out became more frequent, and play dates were a new regular.

What to expect when your friend is expecting? Expect to fit into their life so that you are not excluded from it. That choice is yours. It will not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

7 ends for parents to make new friends

Last week I posted 8 ends to make new friends. This week I wanted to make a specific one for parents knowing their needs are somewhat more specific at this stage of life. That doesn’t mean someone who isn’t a parent couldn’t benefit from some of these ideas, or that someone who is a parents couldn’t benefit from last week’s post. If you are looking for ideas to make new friends, please read and heed both!

Parents group

If your baby is still in the early stages, before they are walking or talking or interacting with other babies, then parents’ group might be the way to go. Most parents get invited to these groups and all you have to do is show up. It is usually hosted in a community centre near a health nurse and the first few sessions might be facilitated as you make your introductions. Then the onus is on you to start making plans to keep on catching up out with the sessions. It may seem awkward at first, but before you know it, these are the people you turn to first as they are often first-time parents and just as isolated as you might feel. Their babies are generally the same age and stage too, which gives room for discussion that will grow and change as the children do.

Play group

If you missed out on parents’ group for some reason or if the friendships fizzled instead of sizzled, and your kid is not quite in school yet, playgroup is a wonderful community activity to get the kids out of your hair and to mess up a different space than your home for a change. With the added benefit that there are other mums there too helping with the setting up and clearing away. Sometimes busy hands make conversations easier, and as you wash the morning tea dishes you might find yourself comparing notes on dishwashers, home life and so much more. Before you know it, you could be grabbing lunch together before nap time.

Your kids’ friends’ parents

If you happen to be a parent of school aged kids, let them do the footwork for you. It is inevitable that they will want to spend time with friends outside of school, and as a result of this, you will probably at least meet their friends’ parent. This can be a great starting point for a friendship! You already have one very important thing in common in your children, however if you wish to stay friends, regardless of your children potentially growing up and growing apart, I recommend you expand your friendship beyond the kids. Start small by sharing a coffee when you drop off and pick up, working towards playdates in the park where you and they chat while the kids play. During this time, you should explore other topics of interest you could connect on, and when enough rapport has built, try a get together without the kids.

Friend of a friend

Sometimes you know two people who don’t know each other, but you think they should. So you introduce them, right? Similarly, if you let your friends know you are in the market for some new friends, they may be able to suggest someone they know who they think you would get along with well. All you have to do is to be brave enough to ask or to have that initial conversation and the stay open to any avenues that open up from there. Initially you at least both have a friend in common which means you both have excellent taste. What else you have in common you could ask your original friend, or bite the bullet and ask the new person. A gathering involving your common friend need only happen once then you are off to a flying start already – if you are brave enough to go it alone!

Online groups or forums

If your part of the world is still locked down and ravaged by the global pandemic, perhaps leaving the house for social activity isn’t safe for you right now. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t still find others to talk to and connect with. Now that we live in a digital world, the internet is your oyster. There are endless parent groups, offering suggestions of venues, comparing products, or forums with concerned parents sharing their woes…… Even if it isn’t parenting groups you seek, however obscure your hobby or passion, there will be a group for it on the internet. Whether you seek a therapy-based support group or a toe fetishist group, you’ll find likeminded people out there willing and waiting to welcome you. And the best part is that often the chances of meeting these people in real life is slim, so you can be exactly who you are without fear…. Or maybe who you want to be instead…

Public transport or the dog park or the local shop

I remember when I was young and I worked at the local supermarket. I had a few regular customers. As we chatted every week while I scanned up their shopping, I got to know them. One of them asked me to dog sit their dogs while they were away and another invited me to his school ball. All I had to do was to be friendly and interested and make connections with people based on us consistently being in the same place at the same time, even if it was for different reasons. I hear so many stories these days of paying it forward, kindness of strangers in shops etc…. quickly repaid with a coffee could spark a friendship based on kindness and a shared love of the same cleaning wipes!

On a cruise or other holiday.

Ok, this is far-fetched right now, and not within everyone’s reach… But personally, I love cruising and when it was still possible to cruise before the pandemic, my husband and I made a few friends on cruises. You are both in the same place for the same time, and free of schedules meaning it is easier to socialise and share meals and drinks and leisure time with people than it would be in everyday situations. Make the most of the holiday spirit and bring home friendships as well as memories and mementos. Cruises are especially good for parents as they offer the kids club meaning you can actually socialise child free while the kids have a great time playing together in fun supervised activities!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Eight Ends to make new friends

1. Work

Now we are getting into a situation where you may have nothing more in common on the surface than the fact that you each work for the same boss. That said, sometimes we spend so much time at work that we end up knowing these people just as well, if not better than our actual friends and family. The problem occurs because we spend so much time with these people already that we don’t think it is necessary to expand then beyond that capacity. Why would you want to see people you work with when it is family time and you see those people more than your family? Because you won’t always work together most likely, so if you like them, you must get used to seeing them outside of the office. You’d be surprised how much you might learn about them that just wasn’t obvious in the work setting.

2. Voluntary work

If you don’t have children or much of a social schedule, maybe animals are more your thing? Fantastic, why not contact your local shelter and see if they need any assistance? Most charities thrive and rely on the work of volunteers with passion, commitment and dedication to the cause. As a pleasant side effect, you will be working alongside others with a shared passion, helping one another for a good cause. And it wont matter if you are shovelling poop or cuddling cats, conversation is likely to expand to your own animals, lifestyles and stories. Before you know it, the animals are not the only company you look forward to.

3. Class of interest

Maybe your passion is art more than animals. And maybe there is less available charities for art, where you get to express yourself creatively. In which case some sort of creative class might be better for you. Before you know it, the instructor is asking you to find a partner, and you may have to study or rehearse or practise together outside of the class. You share a laugh; you share a passion and what in your life lead to that or when you knew you had some passion or talent. You share what your creations represent, and you feel seen heard and understood. You feel connected, friend.

4. Hobby group

If your passion happens to be knitting or scrapbooking and you don’t need a class because you know perfectly well how to do it, a community group might be best for you. The benefits can be sharing supplies, or sharing opinions if it happens to be a writer’s group or a book club. You soon learn how the lady down the road takes her coffee, and how the man around the corner walks over to keep his knees strong after his operation.  You share ideas or inspirations, or patterns or whatever it may be, and as you all enjoy your shared activity, what you enjoy just as much is sharing it with others. Maybe you bring cake this week for Joan’s birthday or invite them all to your own birthday celebrations. And just like that you have knitted a friendship as well as those baby booties.

5. Apps

You can’t quite be anything but what you are on the apps, or at least you shouldn’t be. That said, there are plenty of friendship finding apps these days for people of all ages and stages and backgrounds etc…. Just like dating you upload your picture and your interests and it shows you all the other people looking for friends. If you find someone you like you swipe right and if they swipe right on you too, then you will be able to chat to them privately rather than in a group setting like in a forum. This can make it easier at times to share more personal aspects of your life and connect with people on a more intimate and real level. You already know what each other looks like and have shared a few messages, then you can swap numbers and progress to phone calls, coffee etc… it is the new age version of pen pals I suppose.

6. Support group

If you happen to have been through a big life change or experience, or someone close to you has, it has the power to change your perceptions of the world. There is nothing quite like a shared experience like that to bring people together. These friendships can be the quiet silver lining of a shared cancer, or caring for a parent with dementia or experiencing an eating disorder. While the main aim of the groups is to get help for the situation you are in, much of the help comes from the support of kind strangers sharing the battle who become lifelong friends

7. At the salon/Bar

A friend asked me recently if my hair dresser was my friend. I didn’t quite know how to respond to the question. She was not my friend before she was my hairdresser and I still refer to her as that rather than as a friend. However, she is a friend on my social media and we do know almost everything there is to know about one another’s lives. It may be professionally frowned upon for us to associate outside of business, but I would be open to it in theory. If she weren’t much younger than me and in a different place in her life maybe I would suggest it. You certainly could! I bet you know lots about your hairdresser too? Seems to go with the business, being in everyone’s business! Haha I don’t hang out in bars much, but I hear it is a pretty similar vibe with locals and bar staff.

8. Cinema

On a few occasions at the cinema, I have been seated near someone who was visiting alone and struck up conversations with them. I have invited them to sit with us and whispered about the plot line. Before the film you learn what brought them to the cinema and what interested them about this film, and after you learn about where they are headed next and when they will be back. If it so happens you and your mother visit the same cinema every week on Thursday mornings for example, you could easily welcome that person to join you should you meet again, or offer to grab a coffee after the film to discuss the plot.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx