Social Media rewriting personal history and friendships?

Have a look at your friends list on your social media platforms. I am willing to bet MOST of you will find a strange collection of people there. People you vaguely remember speaking to at a cousin’s wedding, friends you used to be friendly with in primary school, and probably quite a few friends from high school that you were actually never friends with. Like, probably never even spoke to?

I don’t know about you, but for me, many of these people I still don’t actually speak to, or even interact with. I don’t recall friend requesting them and I am unsure why they ever friend requested me when we are not friends, and we never were? It’s not lost on me the obvious solution is to unfriend these people and move on with my life.

I am certain they would not notice or care. I don’t follow them, and I am sure they don’t follow me either. I don’t like their statuses or pictures and they don’t like mine.  I don’t count my friends via social media, yet, for some inexplicable reason, I have not taken the step to unfriend them. I suppose, it feels unnecessarily unfriendly as an action, because there is only the unfriend option. But I am not really unfriending them on the basis that we were never friends in the first place.

For younger folks, this may seem strange, I don’t know, but I have to assume these platforms were new when we joined them and we got over excited adding any name we even remotely recognised. Collecting friends, so to speak, wanting a peak at what had become of everyone we went to school with and wondering who was still friends with who. Not to mention to see the random connections that may now exist between yourselves and themselves through an extended network.

But over a decade later, why are these people still there and what is the value in keeping them there? Some are at least going through some stuff, and sharing tips, motivational quotes and other things of interest or value. Others, obviously I seem to keep tabs on from afar. Logging in recently I was shocked to see one of them was “in a relationship” with someone new, when I believed she was happily married to someone else. Clicking on her profile for further investigation showed nothing, but his was more interesting! Until I caught myself and reminded myself it is none of my business what has happened between them. It feels a bit wrong that I should even know at all. I was really just being nosy. Their life drama should not be my entertainment.

I wrote a post pertaining to orbiting recently. Where someone in your life is no longer friendly or engaging with you in reality, however still interacts with you distantly via social media. I am unsure if these friends that never were friends fall into that category? Are we orbiting each other? It seems unlikely as I never like or comment on anything of theirs, and the sentiment is reciprocated. However, while there is no real reason for them to be there, it feels like there is also no real reason for them not to be there, you know?  I don’t know if that is because our social media connection has tricked my brain into thinking that we are in fact friends, or that we were at some stage in the past, or if it is because social media has become the official friendship breakup status?

Many people I know consider a social media unfriending to be the final straw. Severing that life support connection once and for all, with no hope of return. Unfriending a contact has become a statement piece, intended to be loud and painful. So maybe that association is why I have trouble disconnecting from people who don’t need to be there but haven’t actually slighted me in any way!

It’s not particularly a problem for me, in that I don’t post much myself, and things I do post are usually not especially personal/private anyway. But I do admit that I never think about if these people would see my post, and if I am comfortable with it. I am sure they also don’t, especially when I see personal posts like mentioned above and I feel a bit awkward about it because it isn’t my business.  It isn’t limited to just old school or work connections either, but also to casual acquaintances that perhaps I hoped would become friends but didn’t, or people I see regularly in that we travel in the same circles but never actually really speak?

Or maybe it really is a numbers game? As I tend to only have 5 close friends, 10 external friends and the rest family, maybe I just don’t want to see that small number reflected back to me? But why? They are the people I am aiming at when I post anything, the people I want to tell. Does it matter if the number is 12, or 120 or 1200?  Has our social success and status become just another facade to keep up with?

I think it is probably time to get real and get rid of quite a few of these people. Not because I dislike them, but because we aren’t friends. I don’t need to do a dramatic post about the “culling” that I see many people do, because the people I would cut are highly unlikely to notice my absence anyway. And that is probably the biggest indicator of why they don’t belong there.

Maybe that is why an unfriend stings so much? You are willing to share your life with Joe Bloggs from the corner store, but you and I are officially through?  How did he earn status when he never even spoke to you and I was a significant person in your life?! Don’t get me wrong, if we are no longer friends, I don’t want to see your stuff anyway, but it is an uncomfortable double standard.

If social media has become the cornerstone of friendships, then it should represent the people with whom we are actually friends. I certainly don’t have 100 friends in life, so mine is inaccurate and I don’t mind saying so. The question is will I change it, even if I think I should? Will you?


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How and when to say no to a friend.

I’m probably not the best person to write this particular post, because I really struggle here…. But then again, who doesn’t? I don’t really know anybody who loves letting their friends down, and that’s probably a good thing. Regardless, sometimes we do let them down! It might be easier to ignore it, especially when you don’t even realise it has happened, but I’m talking about the times your friend directly asks you for something and the answer is going to be a direct no.

It could be anything, from asking you to care for her children, to borrowing money or possessions, to being a bridesmaid at her wedding or hosting her birthday party. Whatever it is, I am sure you have your justified reasons not to oblige, however it is important to remember that even if you don’t, saying no because you just don’t want to is perfectly acceptable.

How you say no, depends on your friendship and how you usually communicate. For example I have a friend with whom I am generally negative and sarcastic. If she invites me to her best friend’s birthday party, I’m for sure going to shut that down with a hard pass, and a snarky comment like “Have you met me? Since when do I enjoy parties or large groups?” However, if this same friend invited me to a party of personal significance to her and it was important to her that I was there, then my approach would be much gentler, and focus on the things I can or would do than the thing I was not willing to do. Say she invited me to her 40th for example? I might say “I know you understand I struggle with groups, and I would much rather celebrate with you privately. I was thinking I could take you on a girl’s weekend away and we’ll make it really special doing all the things you love, just you and I. While I won’t be at your party, I am more than happy to help you plan for it. If we set aside the day before, we can make some platters and go shopping for the wine and decorations then put them all up so on the day all you have to do is get your gorgeous self ready to shine!!”

Now, it depends on your level of investment in the friendship, and also your personal boundaries and limits. Another friend may agree to show up for an hour, or to be the designated photographer so she feels less awkward mingling, or offer a private dinner at her house instead of a weekend. The details are down to you, but I do feel it is best to decide what you are comfortable with and counter offer those. A good friend should respect your boundaries, but if they were to push you, it would be fair to acknowledge their disappointment and validate it, but reaffirm your boundaries. For example you might say “I know you are disappointed that I won’t be there, I’m sorry to let you down, but that’s the best I can offer and I hope you will accept and respect my boundaries on this?”

It is important to note here, you do not have to apologise, and if you do, you are apologising for letting your friend down, not for having your own wants, needs and boundaries. It is also important to be as flexible as you can, without becoming a doormat, because we would hope our friends would do the same for us if the situation were reversed.

If you do have more valid reasons for declining the request, it is up to you if you are willing to share them. Before you do however, ask yourself if it is truly the reason or an excuse, and also if it will be helpful to the situation. For example, if a friend asks you to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, before you quip that you’d love to, but unfortunately you can’t afford all the things that go along with that right now, like a new dress and new shoes, hair and makeup, hens parties, transport etc…. ask yourself if that is truly your reasoning. Because she may get back to you with the news that she intends to cover those expenses and then you’ll feel trapped. Trying to get out of it from here would only prove uncomfortably that you just don’t want to and to add insult to injury, you lied about it. If you feel you aren’t close enough to be asked, for example, is it helpful or necessary to draw attention to this? Obviously your friend thinks you are close enough to ask even if you don’t reciprocate. In that case, you probably aren’t all that interested in the wedding prep or the hens night either, so you might just say “I am really so touched that you would think to ask me to be a part of your special day, and although I am going to decline your offer I really am delighted for you and wishing you all the best in your life together.  X”

Now, you do not have to offer an excuse, as tempting as it is, to soften the blow. However many of us want to do that or choose to do that regardless, so if that is part of your strategy, or if the friend in question directly asks why you are declining, make sure your excuse is true, and also about yourself.  Again, the apology is optional, and it is about their disappointment not about your failure to deliver. “Sorry to let you down, I understand weddings are a big deal and also very stressful, but that is why I have chosen to decline. I actually already have quite a lot of commitments and stress on my plate at the moment without adding to it. Thank you for understanding. I do value our friendship.” (ONLY if you do actually value it. If you don’t, then you can probably safely assume it will fizzle after this anyway.)

When it comes to lending money, I suggest a firmer strategy, such as “I understand that it wasn’t easy for you to ask, so I am sure you understand it wasn’t easy for me to decline either. My firm belief and boundary is that friendships and finances shouldn’t mix.” If you are willing to offer other supports, by all means tell your friend that. Maybe you would be willing to do a grocery shop for them this week, or maybe you are willing to have them over for a meal, or cook them some food and take it over. Maybe you are willing to pay them for a service instead of loaning, and could suggest they cut your hair, paid, instead? (If they happen to be a hairdresser, you get my drift! Lol) Perhaps you just have some suggestions for how they could earn extra cash? Try not to be patronising, but you could add at the end of your message “If you are looking for extra cash, my friend was looking for a babysitter/dog walker etc ….” (Or whatever opportunity you saw) You could even offer some words of encouragement such as “Things will get better, you will find a way through this, I am here to talk it through and brainstorm alternative ideas if you like.” However at the end of the day, it is not your responsibility to fix this for your friend and you are within your rights just to say no and close the conversation.

As for more menial things, such as babysitting, watering someone’s plants or feeding their animals when they are away, or fixing their computer for them because you happen to be more skilled in the area than they are for example, please remember that no is a complete sentence. I do encourage flexibility and discretion here. If your friend asks you to collect her kid from school because she is stuck at the hospital with her other sick child, this probably isn’t the moment to make your “I don’t want to” debut. A once off, due to unexpected circumstances is totally different to someone taking advantage of you. However if your friend never seems to be able to do the school run because she is disorganised or if you fixed your friend’s computer once because you were there and you could, but now every time it has an issue she brings it over, that is different and when you need to set a boundary.

It is acceptable to say “You seem to struggle to be there on time to pick up your kids from school quite often. Have you looked into after school care because I can’t continue to commit to picking them up several times a week for you?” Or “Have you tried the computer shop around the corner? I heard they were quite good. I was happy to help you the first time, but I think you would be better to start taking it to the professionals for proper help in future.”

Whatever you choose to do, you can validate your friends’ feelings while still respecting your own needs and boundaries. It is always better to say no than to say yes and let the anger and resentment build. And it is better not to tell white lies about why you can’t do something. As tempting as it is, you’ll get tangled in your own web at some point! Learn from my mistakes and just trust me!


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Spooky Psychological Facts (and Fictions)That Could Be Creeping Into Your Friendships!

Have you ever said to someone that you will be friends until you die, and you will never forget them? Well, it might even last longer than that….  Anywhere from 7 to 10 minutes to be exact(depending on which study/article you read, click the numbers for the links) Scientists have proven that you can remember someone after you are dead, because a person’s brain has 7 to 10 minutes of activity after they die, during which it replays memories of the person’s life. They may also still hear you as hearing is the last sense to go! What would you say to your closest friends if you only had 7 to 10 minutes to express everything?

Ok, so this one is more fiction than fact, but it is a well-known legend….that counts, right? Have you ever struggled to get to sleep at night? Or woken up thinking of someone randomly and been unable to get back to sleep? According to psychological facts, the inability to fall asleep at night means you’re awake in someone else’s dream?! The next time this happens, maybe it is an idea to ask your friends if any of them dreamt about you! It might even reveal which of your friends is most emotionally invested in your friendship! And of course, confirm your place in the friendship as the eccentric one! Haha According to this article from dreams.co.uk by Leigh Horan, this is believed to be true in Japanese culture! It’s a nice idea… a dream perhaps?!

Are you a reader from the USA? I’m glad I don’t live there, because according to this article (Warning – link depicts scary graphic) on Thoughtcatalogue.com by Jerome London, you are likely to meet (or pass in the street perhaps) approximately 12 up to 36 or even 41 serial killers in your lifetime without knowing it…. If you’re interested in the maths behind this theory, check out Leo Qin’s post from Leozqin.me, which appears to be about 5 years old, here. The good news is that it is extremely unlikely that your friend is a killer…. On the other hand the bad news is that it isn’t impossible either! Would you want to know? Might be safer not to know? Either way, hopefully you wouldn’t find out the hard way!!

Have you ever wondered if a friend actually likes you, or if you like them? According to this article on news24.com written by Salome Gurgenidze on 05 Feb 2015 for Women24, science says it only takes four minutes or less to “ fall in like” (decide if you like someone or not.) And it has less to do with what you say and more to do with tone and speed of voice and body language. If someone doesn’t like you almost straight away it is unlikely they ever will. So if you are chasing after someone, trying to get them to like you, it’s time to stop wasting your time! In just under four minutes you could potentially be meeting someone who does like you, which seems more productive. If it is you who is uncertain, don’t feel bad. You don’t have to like everyone, even if you can’t exactly pinpoint why. I encourage you to be cordial, but don’t mislead anyone into thinking you are available for a friendship you aren’t sure you want to pursue. You too, could be meeting someone else that sparks with you in more meaningful ways in under 5 minutes! If you aren’t sure, move along until you are!

Do you prefer the security of a group friendship? Does it feel safer to you to blend in with the crowd?! Everybody knows there is safety in numbers, right? Maybe not, according to the bystander effect, scientific studies have discovered your friends are less likely to rush to your aide if there is a group of others around them and you, each one waiting for someone else to act! (If you are interested to know more about the bystander effect, check out this link from Psychology Today about it!) It reminds me a bit of the below meme. So if something is to go wrong next time you are out with a group of friends, don’t wait for anyone else to act or respond, be the person who does, and the others are likely to follow! Sorry to say, to my personal friends, I tend to freeze in emergency situations, so do NOT follow my lead, nor rely on me to save you!! Haha

Have you ever brought a friend to tears, but weren’t entirely sure if they were tears of joy or pain and sadness? Well apparently if you pay close attention, the body will give will give you a clue! If they are tears of joy, the first tear will fall from the right eye, however tears of pain will start flowing from the left eye! I’m not too sure if it has anything to do with the heart being on the left side, where things are felt more deeply, but it is a nifty way to remember this trick in future! (I cannot find a source to say that this is scientifically proven, so chances are this is another fiction or legend, but test it out anyway, and see what you think?)

What about the friend who doesn’t seem to be happy unless she has something to complain about? We all have at least one negative friend (who, me?! Never! Lol) who never seems to see the bright side. She always has something bad or snarky to say, even her humour is dark! Try as you might, nothing seems to improve her mood or state of mind? Well, studies have shown you might be wasting your time trying, as according to this article on sciencedaily.com there is new evidence to suggest that negativity could be genetic! If there is a certain gene linked to negativity, and your friend was born with that gene, you may just need to be the Pooh Bear to her Eye-Ore!

Speaking of friends with a dark sarcastic sense of humour, they may know more than they care to let on. If you believe everything that is written on the internet, which you shouldn’t, It is said that sarcastic people are more likely to be mind-readers! This article on lifehack.org by Margeilyn Musser goes into more detail of 10 reasons sarcastic people are smarter than you think! Or perhaps just realists who understand the likelihood of an estimated response to things at any given time. These people are more observant and read body language too, so it isn’t all in what you say or do, but also what you don’t that gives away the clues. Similarly, if you have a friend who always seems to know and call you out on even the tiniest of white lies, the chances are they are a pretty good liars themselves. This is what makes your lies stand out to them, they are better at it than you! So be careful how much you trust them!! For more information check out this article on scientificamerican.com by Travis Riddle on 24th July 2012.

What about the friend who is so hard to read, because they don’t say much at all?! Do they even have an opinion on anything?? The chances are, they don’t share their thoughts because they don’t think you are ready or open to hearing them. These friends will not argue what they know to be true, and will not waste breath opening up to people not on the same level! This doesn’t mean they don’t like you, but it does usually mean they don’t agree with you and don’t think there is any point in trying to correct your closed minded thinking! If you want to know their real thoughts, express that perhaps you are wrong or missing something and ask for guidance, then they are more likely to share. This shows a more open minded approach from you which they find more engaging.  I actually don’t know if that is a fact, more so a belief. But what is a fact is that not everybody has a monologue of thoughts to share in the ways we do, making them harder to articulate! Which is cool, but also kinda creepy! Check it out here on mymodernmet.com written by Jessica Stewart on 20th Feb 2020.

Have you ever had a friend who was seemingly confident, cool calm and collected? This is the friend that you have never seen cry. They are always the strong one and never crack under pressure! Have you ever idolised them and wished you could be less sensitive, more resilient like they are, not caring what others think? Well, think again. According to this factoid on themindsjournal.com, pretending not to care is actually the habit of someone who generally cares the most as an emotional defence mechanism! These people tend to have friends who lean on them for support and they are very interested in your life without giving much away themselves. Try showing a real interest in them, and watch how they blossom under your love and attention. They just need someone to show them it is safe to be vulnerable, and authentic but it will take patience and years for them to fully open up and rediscover themselves, so hang in there. Fact or fiction, I’ll let you decide, but it feels like there is truth to this!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I sure am!! haha

10 Cute, kooky or downright spooky Halloween costumes for best friend duos

With Halloween approaching next week you and your bestie may be starting to think of cool costumes you could wear to celebrate and demonstrate your awesome friendship? Well here are some iconic best friend ideas for you, but the costumes will have to be your own creative genius!

1. Woody and Buzz Light year from Toy Story

2. Pooh and Piglet from Winnie the Pooh

3. Patsy and Eddy from Absolutely Fabulous

4. Romy and Michelle from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion

5. Thelma and Louise from the movie Thelma and Louise

6. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, or Wilma and Betty from the Flintstones

7. Bart and Milhouse from The Simpsons

8. Kath and Kim

9. Bert and Ernie



10. Twins from the shining

Many of the people who do these costumes splatter blood on the dress for extra spooky effect!



Happy Halloween, and have fun. Head over to the Facebook page and share your pics if you used any of the ideas, we’d love to see your creative creations!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Enduring the Emptiness.

This is a 2 part blog. Please scroll down to the entry before this one to read the first installment!
The brief recap is that a friend I was close with and saw regularly had some changes in her life that made her unavailable for the same level of friendship, time, and attention, and I took this change very personally.

When I told my friend I didn’t want to continue our friendship, she was hurt. I had imagined she would be angry and be glad to see the back of me always being too needy. She refused to let it go without a fight and she immediately made time for us to really talk about what was happening for me. It was NOT an easy or pleasant conversation. We both cried and yelled and spoke hurtful truths. I thought we were going to end, and I regretted going there for that conversation. I felt it’d have been better to leave all of that ugliness unsaid and just part ways. The conversation continued until 4am when we were both exhausted. But in the end, we hugged it out, said we loved one another enough to keep trying and get our friendship “back on track.”

My expectations and hopes were raised that we could get through this and be what we were once more. But as time went on, her availability or seeming interest didn’t change much. For a very long time, things still felt empty. But as I had tried to end it and failed, I decided to just endure it and accept the distance. Maybe the friendship would fizzle out. As a result of that thinking, in time, my expectations for it to be what it used to be diminished. It wasn’t like that anymore and it was never going to be.

When my expectations began to fall, I noticed though that my despair also diminished. I couldn’t control it or change it, the only choice was to accept it. As I accepted less time and attention, I was able to appreciate that although we spoke less, this was still someone who knew me better than most. I could still share with her, and she could still share with me, when we made the time to do so. I still cared for her, and I realised she still cared for me. We are actually still close, albeit in less consuming ways.

I reflected with my friend over that dinner that I hadn’t done much to save that friendship. I was very all or nothing about it. I couldn’t endure the silence and distance and space growing between us or the emptiness. I had assumed it was going to feel like that forever. And that it was going to hurt forever. It took a long time, but it did eventually feel less empty. If my friend hadn’t of insisted she would not let me go without a fight, a really important person in my life would be no longer.

I am really glad I learned to let it be less, that I tolerated the emptiness. That I reached acceptance without being extreme. That was my fight. My friend knows this was hard for me and she is so proud of me for working through it. She did fight for us in the end and I am glad she did, but really the change had to be from me. I had assumed she had to make more effort to prove I was still important, when really I had to tolerate the uncomfortable period so she could pursue happiness in her life. I had to support that even if it cost me. That’s what good friends do. If this story resonates with you, let go of what it was. Let it be what it is. It wont be easy but it will probably be worth it. Once your experience meets your expectations, you will feel better. It’s not the experience that needs to adjust, it is your expectations. If something is different, then that is what it is. Not worse or less. Your feelings are valid but it isn’t your friends job to manage your feelings, you will have to do that alone.

I was so caught up in what my friend did or didn’t do. I never stopped to really ask myself “What have I done to save this?” Remember how I said you might live to regret the things you didn’t do? As I finished my meal with my friend, she concluded that is the worst regret, what she didn’t do to save relationships with people. The effort she didn’t put in and the emptiness she would not endure as she wonders what might have been that isn’t anymore. Sometimes we don’t recognise that when people walk away it was because we let them go and we cost ourselves the pleasure of any connection at all.

Endure the emptiness. It will pass. The ending probably wont. If you are hurting enough to walk away, the friendship is probably meaningful enough not to!

Playing your part.

(2 part blog entry)

Friendships change over time. They wax and wane. We make new ones and lose some too. Circumstances change. Priorities and values change. People change. Sometimes imperceptibly over time, and sometimes seemingly quite suddenly. None the less it happens and we cannot control this.  When a close or reliable friendship changes, it isn’t an easy experience sometimes. We can struggle to adjust. Things between us don’t feel the same and we do not like it.

On chatting to a long standing friend over a meal recently, we landed on the topic of regret. Something we all experience, rightfully or wrongfully, at some point in our lives. Some of us regret what we did. Some of us regret what we said. Others of us regret what we did not say or do. Unfortunately there is no sliding doors moment in life before we make important choices and we cannot predict very accurately which choices will lead to regret later down the track.

Regret isn’t particularly helpful on its own, however with a dose of reflection and with the benefit of time passed and hindsight, some things seem much clearer than they did at the time. My friend and I discussed friendship regrets, and interestingly both concluded that we shared regrets of being too extreme in thinking at times of crisis or conflict. All or nothing attitudes tend to leave you with nothing!

The friendship that inspires me to write this blog is a very special one to me. It is also one which taught me much about myself and my expectations of friendships that were getting in the way of the closeness I was trying to achieve.  My friend and I had become very close over the space of a few years. We had weekly Friday night girly sessions and spoke most days via messages or social media. We shared everything, secrets, dreams, hopes, fears, failures, loves and heart breaks. Nothing was off limits. Not poo or sex or parenting dilemmas.

Aren’t friendships like that so warm and cosy? I loved it and I loved my friend. I loved what we shared and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it! Except that wasn’t actually up to me. Things in her life changed, and without going into detail, there wasn’t as much space for me in her life anymore. All of a sudden she seemed unavailable, busy, had other priorities and could no longer give me the time and attention she had given before.

I wont lie. It hurt! A LOT! I felt forgotten, disposable, used and  abandoned. No matter how much my friend tried to reassure me she loved and valued me as much as she always had, it didn’t feel true. She assured me time and time again that she missed me and she wished she still had the space for us, but that her life had changed and it wasn’t personal. I’m going to be honest. It felt personal so I basically just chose not to believe her.

When she still could make the time to catch up or talk, much of that time was spent talking about her new life. It kinda felt like she didn’t care about me anymore, although she was still sharing of herself with me, I no longer felt I wanted to do the same. Things had changed and I didn’t want to pretend that they hadn’t. I kept showing up, hoping it would change, that I would somehow feel connected to her again, and I was consistently disappointed.

While I used to leave her company feeling refreshed and happy, I seemed to be leaving it more recently feeling sad, confused, alone and empty. I no longer wanted to spend time with her, because it didn’t feel the same as it used to. I felt that she hadn’t even noticed or cared we weren’t close anymore while it was destroying me. I questioned our friendship and if it had ever been close if she didn’t even notice I was gone. I spent Friday nights ruminating and resenting her for not spending them with me anymore and dwelling on the huge hole it left in my life and in my heart that she was gone. A hole she didn’t really acknowledge but when she did, she justified it and did nothing to change it. Spending time with her just felt empty and hollow. A shell of the warm comforting place her company had been before. I thought I couldn’t accept it, but the truth was I just didn’t want to.

The change between us felt less than before and I didn’t feel I deserved less, nor did I want less. Eventually the pain got so intense, I decided it would be easier to move forward without her in my life. To stop “pretending” we were still friends when it felt completely untrue to me. And perhaps, the uglier side of it was that I felt I had lost her, and so she should lose me too. (The reason being that I was still there for her anytime she needed me, but she was no longer able to reciprocate that, and I was unwilling to see her attempts as trying and insisted on seeing them as minimal effort.)

(Lyrics from an awesome song called Hesitate by Stone Sour, to Listen, click here.)

TO BE CONTINUED…. If you can relate to this, please do tune in next week for the next installment, or just scroll up to the next post if you are visiting at least a week after the publishing date.)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Not Flora or Fauna or Friendship Fawner!

Last week I discussed that I sometimes let my inner people pleaser lead me astray and seemed to draw me to situations involving the very rejection I fear. I wanted to do some research into this, and quickly spiraled down the proverbial internet rabbit hole! Website after website, article after article. I came across personality disorders, psychological conditions and the random opinions of many reddit subscribers! As interesting as it was, none of it was resonating particularly with what I was feeling or experiencing.

At least until I stumbled across this article on Greatist.com titled “Why Am I Trying So Hard To Make People Like Me?” This article referenced a 4th response to trauma I have never heard of before called fawning. (The other responses are fight, flight or freeze.) Never having heard of this concept, naturally it piqued my interest and I promptly followed the link to learn more about it. Imagine my delight when it took me to the blog of Sam Dylan Finch, called “Lets Queer Things Up.” Ok, that probably doesn’t tickle most of you the way it tickles me, but regardless of orientation, the concept was fascinating.

Sam Dylan Finch references Pete Walker as the founder of this phenomenon. I did have a look at his page, however it didn’t resonate with me in the same ways as Sam’s. Pete’s theory is that this is a learned trauma response in toddlers, however I can assure you that I was no wall flower (Flora?!) people pleaser in the home growing up, and this response, for me, appears to have been learned in external relationships not familial ones. Sam Dylan Finch however does make reference to this specifically in relation to queer feminine women who are drawn to other feminine women, and that seems the likeliest place where this behaviour was learned and how it began a cycle of friendship drama that I have trouble escaping. Regardless of how you developed the trauma, it could be the same for you and playing out in your relationships, friendships and among your colleagues and acquaintances.

For me, it seems reasonable that as I grew up I realised there was something different about me to the other girls my age. I craved their acceptance and approval more than I could articulate or even understand. Obviously I wanted to be close to them and I wanted them to love me, however was faced with the harsh reality that girls only loved boys. (I didn’t know that there was a spectrum, I thought it was an absolute.) And as I got older, I learned that they would specifically be less close to me perhaps if they felt uncomfortable in my presence. Knowing that I had inclinations for females definitely put me in this category. So somewhere along the lines I learned in order to have women in my life, as close as they felt comfortable being, I would need to put myself aside and be almost subservient. Show them only what they wanted to see. Love her in ways all the boys failed to love her, and support her through endless heartbreaks. If I did all of that, and made sure I respected the boundary of expecting nothing in return, then I would have the closeness I craved…. Almost.

And so it has become habit to bite my tongue and smile and nod when I disagree, say nothing when I am let down by her lack of reciprocation and accept that closeness is elusive and can exist only before some man steals her away. To tolerate pain that comes with loving someone at the level of a lover while they disregard you and most conversations will be focused on those that she does love. And somehow this belief that I had to expect or accept less permeated into my general ideas or patterns around friendship. Fear of rejection has dominated my communication style to the point that rejection is the expected outcome and when it gets extreme I would rather walk away myself than face another crushing round….

So this predicament seems to turn into a nasty pattern where I over give, then exhaust myself, suddenly realising that the other person is not reciprocating and there is a need of mine which is not being met. I tune in to the gap that exists between my expectation of the friendship and the reality of it, and consciously withdraw my investment to a level that feels appropriate with their own level of investment and effort.  Ironically that almost never goes down well. It seems to be an expectation of most that I will continue to over invest, and they seem unaware of the imbalance or hypocrisy of this.(Or perhaps unaware how little they offer and how much they accept and unwilling to address or acknowledge it,) In turn, one or the other of us will eventually walk away, or dwindle down to something we call friendship, but which doesn’t really require any effort or investment that an actual friendship does.

Now, perhaps my driving force for closeness with women is impacting this cycle, and why my expectations of friendships to be intense but also to require a high investment and energy is unrealistic. Certainly it puts me at odds with most of my heterosexual peers, but as these are the women with whom I most strongly identify, how can I approach friendships with them differently to avoid the disappointing cycle?

I suppose I need to have better boundaries around friendships to begin with and the differences between loving someone romantically and platonically on an emotional scale. So what are these subtle differences? Friends are expected to help and support you so long as it is convenient for them to do so. A romantic partner may be expected to find ways to offer help and support even when it is not so convenient. Step 1. Do not go out of your way for someone who you either would not expect to go out of their way for you, or for someone who simply would not be prepared to go out of their way for you if it was not convenient to do so.

Friends are people you spend time with when you have some free time and you are looking to fill it, romantic partners are who people seek to “make time” for and are drawn to see on a more regular basis. (There is usually a sexual component to this drive to spend time, and this often boils down to a sense of validation sourced from a person of the gender to whom you are attracted.) Step 2. Keep expectations low on time spent together. And even when the time is frequent, know your place. This could change at any time when somebody more interesting comes along or circumstances change. Have many friends meeting your social need equally not one friend heavily or predominantly.

The reason people are drawn to romantic partners over friendships is because we live in a society that values family. The goal of many people is to find a partner, and make a family. Added to this, the demands of family already existing will also take priority. People tend to be quite busy with family, always at a birthday or celebration of some sort, or caring for elderly grandparents or parents. People, as a general rule, do want friendships, but feel they do not have the time to prioritise them, however much they might like to. Step 3. Do not expect or seek validation from friendships even if your friends are of your preferred gender, and do not expect friends to make you a priority. It is a burden they cannot carry.

For me this means knowing that women do love and accept me as I am, and I do not need to excessively make up for any perceived inequality from the starting point. I do not need to try so hard to please them to gain their approval. It means knowing I am “one of the girls” whether they approve or not! It means enjoying what time and attention they can offer, and reciprocating at that level. And it means finding friends who do prioritise friendships as I do, if I wish to feel closer and spend more time together. But most of all, it means knowing as beautiful as this “Flora” may be, it will never be a “Fauna” and it should stop being a friendship Fawner!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fawning is forcing friendship and I need to learn this and stop!

When to walk away?

This is such a hard question to answer, and I want to start right here and tell you that I actually don’t know the answer myself. I can only tell you that I have walked away and that people have walked away from me too. Obviously each situation is different, so there is no one size fits all solution. For me it has been a feeling more than a set of events or signs for example.

However on reflection of friendships lost, perhaps there were ways to salvage things that I didn’t try for one reason or another? Fear of rejection? Feeling paralysed? Not wanting to say or do the wrong thing or be perceived as wrong, bad or unfriendly? Or even letting things get so bad that walking away was a relief rather than a sad loss? It happens! The main undercurrent I can detect in my own circumstances though, was feeling psychic. Yes, psychic?!

I know how odd that sounds, so let me explain and see if you can relate! I suppose I tend to think I already know that the outcome is going to be an ending. Bleak, but true. Pessimist remember!
In retrospect, I have been looking for a friendly way to deal with conflict, when the nature of conflict is unfriendly. In a bid to avoid conflict I perhaps bring upon myself the very endings I wish to avoid by avoiding any opportunity for resolution!

If a friend has said or done something hurtful, crossed a boundary or made me uncomfortable in some way, I struggle to articulate that. Because it is confrontational. Because it implies blame. Because I imagine the friend in question will be dismissive of my feelings, or deny their actions. If they don’t deny it they may excuse it by explaining intent. Even if they apologise, it’s a bit like that scrunched up paper theory, it doesn’t fix things necessarily.

I am all too aware that sometimes this is because I take my feelings too seriously. Or because I ignore them and attempt to suppress them until there is far too much hurt and pain to continue. That I am guilty of forgetting that thoughts and feelings are not facts. If you forgot about my birthday and I think it means you don’t care about me, for example, then I might forget that was just a thought, which influenced negative feelings about not being cared about. These things can spiral pretty quickly, and it can be difficult to stop and gain some perspective about alternative scenario’s that aren’t about me. Like maybe you had other more urgent things taking up your mental space?! (That was an example. If you forgot my birthday, I’m not mad, I promise! Haha)

So sometimes I am definitely guilty of making myself feel worse instead of helping the situation, convincing myself things are worse than they might be and as a defense mechanism can withdraw as a result. However that is not always, or even often the case. Most of the time a boundary has been violated, or the friendship has become one sided or something else pretty obvious has occurred and it isn’t feeling ok with me. I know exactly what has happened but I can’t figure out a way to articulate myself in a way that doesn’t seem confrontational.

When I imagine the conversations in my head, the other person is defensive, angry, or finds ways to turn things around and make it all my fault. The idea of it turning ugly paralyses me. I’m not sure how to approach the situation or what to say, there’s a good chance I will just avoid the situation or the person all together. This has NOT been helpful. Somewhere in my subconscious mind the outcome is obvious – ugly confrontations lead to endings, so why not just skip the middle and be done with it?

However when someone talked to me recently about something I had done that was upsetting, I was apologetic, and compassionate in my response. I was surprised to hear that my friend felt the way she did, however I accepted accountability for it. (When I ran the scenario past a few people I trust and admire, they agreed with my friend and could understand how she’d felt.) So I learnt 2 lessons that day. The first one was to be more mindful of my words when awkward situations arose! The second one was that my friend trusted me enough to resolve this issue in a way that didn’t make for an ugly scenario and an ending.

Something I have perhaps not been vulnerable enough to practice with others. The people pleaser in me lives on, and I must fight to remember she is not psychic, and at times she is not helpful. So to answer my own question, the time to walk away is not too soon! As a general rule. only after you have tried everything you can to resolve the situation no matter how scary or vulnerable that feels. (Naturally this only applies if you actually do want to keep the friendship.) If your friend has upset you in some way, let them know, so that they can show you that they care enough to fix it and trust that they do and they will!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Clashing with the clique…. Is crushing…. Continued from last week…

(For part 1 of the story click here.)

Then there was the accidental mention of another group chat – one which she seemed to have fallen off the invitation list for. Again, she justified this. She had in fact told them she wasn’t able to be on her phone all day messaging – she hadn’t meant she didn’t want to be included though. She might have found the chats overwhelming but still scanned them after work for any important dates or details, so to suddenly hear the silence was in some ways bittersweet. Then there was a holiday overseas which she was the last to know about. They did include her but as their accommodation was full, she had to stay elsewhere. During that trip they were less than forthcoming about their plans and didn’t seem to notice her absence – she was constantly chasing them up and waiting for invitations to join them. She saw them once in 5 days.

Shortly after that there was pictures on social media of a weekend away, that she hadn’t known about. A pain I am all too familiar with myself. But again she justified that it looked like a couples weekend and as a single member of the tribe, it makes sense they didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and just didn’t mention it….

As she had become aware that some of the women in the group appeared to be competing with her, she decided to let go of the group idea, and just focus on individual connections with a sub group of the women. She felt confident this was working and grew closer again to a select few. One was on a weight loss journey with her, so they bonded over that. Another had a child with special needs, an area of specialty for her, and they bonded over that. The other wasn’t as close, but was always amicable and friendly and it didn’t feel one sided.

This continued about another year after her dismissal from the group. Then one of the women she was closer to mentioned that one of the other women in the extended group had gotten engaged. She wasn’t particularly close to this person, infact they actually clashed somewhat, so she wasn’t disappointed to hear the news second hand and was relieved not to be invited to any related celebrations. However during the conversations she expressed some jealousy and resentment, saying she was sad that she still hadn’t found anyone herself. She didn’t think any more of it.

She tried organising a catch up with the other woman she was close to, as she had a present for her son for his birthday. This woman awkwardly gave her a last minute invitation to his party – a group event she clearly wasn’t intended to attend. But she went along anyway, only to discover this woman was visibly pregnant and hadn’t mentioned anything. It was a joint birthday/baby shower, and it started to become clear to her that these women were not her friends.

As her birthday rolled around again, only her original friend reached out and made plans. She was reluctant to discuss the group, although accidentally made reference to another dinner and group trip, and insinuation that gossip had occurred over her jealousy at the news of the engagement. She thought that was said in a safe and confidential space, nor was it said in spite….. It was then that she finally accepted these women were not her friends. She made no comment on her exclusion in the end, because she accepted if they wanted her there they would include her. A confrontation would not change anything. A silent resignation but also a quiet relief.

Reflecting back, she had merely swapped chasing the approval of men, for the approval of women. She was able to see that she had offered services to the group, she was of benefit to them; however she was never one of them. Thinking she had gained acceptance and approval and then having it fade away slowly and painfully felt even worse than never having achieved it at all.

When I asked her what she had taken away from this experience she said “That they were my friends friends, not my own, and if you clash with the clique you get crushed! I think I had it right the first time around, and I’ll stick to your theory of 5 individual friends….” Then the cherry on the top was “And I need to stop chasing approval, and instead follow acceptance where I find it!”

The moral of the story isn’t that all female friend groups are bad, as demonstrated in the story there are many positive and rewarding aspects, but they are also fraught with complicated politics, and conflict tends to be handled as a group. They’re not for everyone and not as good nor as bad as the media tries to tell us. The moral of the story is that you should get to know people as individuals before you befriend them, (one at a time) and you should assess their life and see if they have room for you or if they have too many existing friendships or relationships (group or individual) or even hobbies, work or activities to really meet your needs in meaningful ways. And instead of asking yourself only if you are doing enough or showing up for them in the right ways, make sure you are asking yourself if they are showing up for you too!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Clique Critique

At a time when someone I know was feeling low, she reflected that she had spent her life trying to gain the approval of men. She had tried to compete or compare with them professionally, be the object of their desire sexually and be their best mate intimately but platonically. And yet somehow, despite her best efforts, their approval and acceptance continued to be elusive and left her exhausted and not feeling particularly good about herself. As many women often do from time to time, she decided to take a break from men.

During this time she would practise self-care. She would get up early and walk before work, and she would relax at night with an at home facial mask and a nice empowered female movie and those such things. However, when she started doing this she noticed a common theme in these movies. The women in them seemed to all have a strong group of female friends holding them up. As she looked around her own life, she could see some strong female friendships, however they were individuals, not a collective group.

She allowed herself to get caught up in the fantasy of girls nights out with the crew that naturally progressed to a mothers group and beyond. It became a goal of hers to have this kind of support in her life. She reflected on ways to make that happen. Could she bring her individual female friends together as a group? No, they probably wouldn’t all get along, and besides, these friendships were important and intense, she didn’t want to risk diluting the intimacy there. So she scoured over her colleagues for a potential posse, however after a few failed gathering attempts it fizzled because these were people with whom she discussed work. No amount of prodding seemed to take it beyond that level.  Her last remaining idea was to join an existing group.

This idea was by far the most daunting, because cliques have that name for a reason – they are relatively exclusive and generally closed. Existing members have shared bonds for years, which is a difficult connection to penetrate with all that combined history behind them. Alas, undeterred, she felt it was her best and only option. She set her sights on a group of women the wife of her best male friend was part of, and set about trying to get herself a membership.

Having spent her life with a strong focus on males, it dawned on her that she didn’t know much about gaining the approval of women. It wasn’t something she had thought about much before, nor did she expect to find herself in this position. First she joined their book club. As many of them were new mothers, she offered care for their children, which they willingly obliged. She baked healthy snacks and tried hard to remember individual details of their lives to bring up in conversation next time to demonstrate her interest. After a relatively short time, she was accepted in to the group. She wondered why she had never tried this before, she was clearly a natural and women were so much less catty than she had expected….

Soon she found herself on the baby shower invitation list, helping to set things up, and coming laden with food and gifts. Then she was included in a group chat about a group gift for one of their birthdays. Acceptance was sweet. Her social calendar was filling fast and she felt something she hadn’t felt before – popularity. The group chat’s grew, the topics were endless, and the amount of love and support offered to each other was so refreshing. Soon, individual members of the group were reaching out to her for favours, for advice and for catch up’s just the 2 of them. They set up weekly wine and whine nights and girls nights out to dance or watch trashy tv together. For about a year, everything seemed good.

However one thing she hadn’t realised, was how much effort and energy these women were starting to take from her life. She started to feel constantly drained. She could hardly keep up with the latest drama or crisis, and the endless streams of messages made her want to hide from her phone. She found herself not wanting to participate in weekly events, not reading the books, and not engaging online. She liked these women and wanted to continue friendships with them, however wanted to dial down the intensity a little. Slowly, she created some distance. Never mean or impolite, but taking more time to respond, missing more events and offering less favours.

At first the women asked her if she was ok. She tried to explain that she was ok, but her career took up much of her time and she needed to prioritise her professional goals, and that she could not be on her phone all day at work. The women said they all understood. The invitations slowed down and it was a welcome relief, however she couldn’t fight the niggling feeling that something wasn’t right. Her birthday passed and there was no group gift or celebration like the others had done. Only a few of the women acknowledged it at all. She let it go, on the basis that she wasn’t as close to them as they were to each other and as a new member of the group she had to have realistic expectations.

Can you guess what happens next? Tune in next week to find out……

TO BE CONTINUED….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Orbiting Online Only – Do Not Resuscitate?

I have posted a few times now about my online friends and how valuable they have been to me at different times. Even the ways in which our existence has crossed over in very real ways to each other’s lives. Online friendships are real and they are valid. I support and celebrate them. But this post isn’t about them.

My online friends are people I met online and have only ever known in the context of an online friendship. I have never met these people physically in real life. The people I am talking about today are the people that we meet in real life, who become online only friends. Those are generally categorised into a few groups. There is the acquaintances who added you to social media. You don’t really know why, but you went along with it. It’s a little awkward when they like personal posts and you wonder if you really would have shared that information with them personally, however, usually life moves on without much more thought. If you are very uncomfortable you unfriend them and it’s likely neither of you notice.

Then there are the friends from afar. People you had solid relationships with, but moved away or the friendship became distant circumstantially but the love is still there. These are the friends you wish you could see more in real life. The ones you want to share your personal news with and want to share in theirs too. You connect online and it is enough for both parties because you still feel connected. You probably share private messages to give more details and keep in closer personal contact than just a like on a status here and there and a happy birthday post once a year.  These people are friends, who happen to be mostly online at the moment but you hope that will change in the future.

The last group is the awkward group. The people who you started a friendship with, but for whatever reason it seemed to stall. Time between catch up’s got longer, or somebody asked for space. And you end up as online friends only, not even really sure if you are in fact still friends. Even if you have actively fallen out with this person, somehow deleting them online seems difficult.  The online platforms are the only remaining connections, like a life support machine. This article on www.nbcnews.com published on April 13 2019, called “How to cope when a friend breaks up with you” written by Jen Glantz captures the essence of what I mean. The article shares the experience of a woman who has experienced a fri-ending, and here is the quote.

“what was even harder was unfriending her on social media. I knew that I had to, not just because I didn’t want to look at her life without me in it, but because she was still liking things I posted on Facebook and Instagram, as if our friendship was still going strong. Unfriending her online was the right thing to do since she pressed the unfriend button offline.”

(NOTE: Links to the articles on the break up and “orbiting” - the term used to describe this behaviour, are well worth a read!)

It doesn’t really matter which one of you parked the friendship online. It doesn’t have to be a mutual decision. In the best cases, it is, and life moves nicely along. You like each other enough but just didn’t have the spark in person, or enough in common, or your schedules didn’t align or something benign. It isn’t personal and it isn’t even enough of a big deal to discuss. When it isn’t a mutual decision though, the conversation is awkward.

How do you tell someone that you don’t want them in your life, but you do expect them to keep being socially polite in public and keep up on social media in case you change your mind one day and decide to resuscitate the friendship? Especially if they don’t want that? If you are the person who has been parked online against your will, do you still want to keep tabs of your friend and what they are busy doing with everyone else if you are no longer invited to the proverbial party?

Each person has to make their own decision here without knowing the intention of the other. If either of you hold hope that the friendship will revive itself one day, I suppose the best thing to do is to maintain this base level of interaction. A like here, a comment there. Just enough to show you are still around, but not too much that it seems like begging for attention. I can tell you from experience that this is hard to do when you have been parked against your will. Because seeing someone you were once close to getting closer to everyone else and further away from you hurts. And reading their comments and likes on your own posts feels empty when they used to know the details first hand. This period can last for years though, and I assume if you can get through the initial difficulty of acceptance, it may be worth it in the long term.

Because your other option is to refuse to engage. If you don’t want to be on life support, you can be the one to pull the plug. If you feel the person is trying to put you on hold, and you aren’t a phone call, then you can hang up. But there is no way around this. Whatever you do that is outside the wishes of the person who parked you there, whether that is refusing to engage, restricting access, unfollowing or unfriending, or deactivating, you are pulling the plug. You are saying you no longer wish to participate under these terms. You are saying “all or nothing” and it will end in goodbye.

There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you want. You do not have to be parked online. You cannot force someone to continue being your friend the way they once were, but you also don’t have to be forced to participate in ways you find painful. The problem is that this is an emotionally loaded decision. If you disengage to prove a point, that nobody puts baby in a corner, then you may well be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Hopefully you will be able to find ways to directly communicate with your friend about the reasons this has happened if it is upsetting. However if you are the person who made this choice, you might not even really have the words yourself to articulate the shift, or you may just prefer to avoid the issue and basically deny the lack of any real friendship. This is likely. So the person making the ultimate decision is in a very difficult and emotional place.

How long should they wait for you to take them off life support? How much can they tolerate of liking pictures and statuses of how happy you are without their presence? How much of their own lives do they still want to share with you under these circumstances? If they turn off the machine, will you understand they didn’t feel they had a choice? It’s not really fair to park someone online and then put all the responsibility on them if it ends.

Online friendships, and social media platforms can be great for friendships. As we all experienced with the recent pandemic, they can thrive and survive there. They can even be born there. But the dark side is, that it is also where they go to die a slow painful death sometimes too. Often you don’t even realise you are there until you have been there a fair while, and your intuition starts to tell you something isn’t adding up!

Some people cope better with this than others. I suppose it depends on how close the dying friendship was to begin with as to the level of pain and anguish felt at this point. Also the level of desire for it to be what it was rather than what it is. This transition period is always difficult, but seeing it all online and acting as if you’re ok when you aren’t, makes it near impossible.

So I ask you to ask yourself if you are willing to save the friendship? If you are, then enduring this treatment may be the only solution for a while, until it resolves, or until acceptance means it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. If you can’t do that, then maybe you can’t be friends. Not for now anyway.

They may put the online only sign on your door, but the do not resuscitate sign is all your choice. Choose wisely.  Only you know the answer that is right for you, but there may not be second chances. Then again, keeping online connections with people who don’t seem to particularly like you sounds a lot like having haters, and who has time for that?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Closeness Overdose?

Some friendships are naturally closer than others. Some take a while to build up to a close status, whereas others seem to become close almost instantly and some of them never feel as close as you’d hoped they may become. Closeness is more of a feeling than something measurable though, and sometimes we might feel closer to someone than they feel to us. Alternatively they might feel like we are their closest friend, while we don’t think of them as especially close.  Because closeness is hard to measure, there is no standard method of achieving what “feels” close to you, or comparing it to the experience of closeness to others.

Many people I know define closeness as the person who is always there for them when things go wrong. The one who supports them through the big stuff! For me, I am starting to think it might be the people who are always around, for the little stuff, that are the ones I turn to for the big stuff. Sometimes it is a measure of quality time spent together, the more time we spend, the closer we become. For others it is a reflection of who they feel they can talk most openly and unfiltered with that equates to closeness. Shared experience or trauma is another thing that can bring people closer unexpectedly, while smaller things such as sharing the same interests might be the glue that unites other close friends.

I think that is why sometimes we don’t feel as close to someone as they feel to us, because our experiences of what makes us feel close to someone differ. If one person feels closer based on quality time, and another based on support for the big issues for example, this can cause a disconnect. If the second friend only gets in touch with the first one when they have drama, but is otherwise absent, the first friend may never have reached that same feeling of closeness that is generated for them by spending a lot of time together. It isn’t necessarily an issue, this imbalance in feelings of closeness, but it can become an issue.

When you are type one and they are type 2? Or when you were type 1 and they transition suddenly to type 2, but you’re still there like “where’d you go?”

It can become an issue when the person who feels closer starts to have expectations of the other person who feels less close. Say for example Debra feels really close to Fiona, because Fiona supported her through her divorce and was always there for her whenever she needed to talk. Debra thinks of Fiona as her closest friend. Fiona however, while happy to support Debra, didn’t feel like the friendship was reciprocal. She noticed that Debra never asked how she was doing, always just focussed on herself. Now Debra is dating again and she is constantly calling and messaging Fiona with updates. Fiona is happy for Debra, she wants Debra to find happiness, however now that she is recovered from the divorce, Debra has depleted the support Fiona had to offer.  Fiona would like to take some space from Debra to focus on her own life again, however Debra thinks of Fiona as a best friend and is unaware that Fiona is not that interested in every detail of her new exciting dating life.

Fiona receives multiple calls and messages daily from Debra. Debra wants support and advice from what outfit she should wear to what to respond to cryptic messages. She doesn’t realise she is smothering Fiona, however Fiona begins to dread messages from Debra, and starts making excuses about being busy and pulls back. Debra is hurt and confused by Fiona’s withdrawal when she has always been such a good and close friend until now. The issue is that Fiona never really considered Debra a close friend to begin with and Debra hasn’t really met any of Fiona’s criteria that would put her in Fiona’s close friend column. Debra considers Fiona a close friend, and her expectation of this level of support fits in with that description, however for Fiona, Debra is too close for comfort.

Of course this is not the only way 2 friends become too close for comfort. Sometimes they may spend too much time together, until one of them needs a break, or they may share everything until someone takes it a bit too far and realises they don’t know this person as well as they thought. Or sometimes the situation that brought them closer changes and suddenly the level of closeness is uncomfortable, forced or unsustainable.

In some of these situations, the feelings will be mutual and naturally fade back to a less close friendship. Sadly, this is not always the case. Much of the time one party will try to assert boundaries – via words or actions and the other party might be so offended by this that they cut contact.  Sometimes losing the closeness you felt with someone changes the way you view them and leaves you questioning the entire friendship. Take Debra from our example. She would probably feel quite empty as she came to terms with the fact that her and Fiona were no longer close, but also that they had actually never been (reciprocally) as close as she thought. Spending time with Fiona after that might feel painfully empty because going back to being less close than you once felt you were leaves a sense of loss which can override any friendly feelings that are left.

If we find ourselves in a similar situation, we must use it as an opportunity to reflect and not to blame.  What needs of yours was the friendship meeting that made it so close and comforting to you? What needs of your friend’s was being met? Were you giving as much as you were getting? Were you giving what you needed instead of what they needed?

The worst thing about being too close for comfort is that if things cool down, we are left with that awkward feeling of oversharing. Of over trusting. Of wondering which confessions might now be repeated or which behaviours construed negatively? So with that in mind, I advise us all to be more mindful about who gets close in the first place. Your trust of that person may have to outlast the closeness, or even the friendship, and that can be very uncomfortable if you haven’t been discerning enough before getting close.

Closeness should be considered a balancing act. It is fragile.  Closeness should not be taken for granted or assumed. No friendship is immune. Once closeness is gone, it can be really difficult to rebuild, so making sure we protect and nurture it is crucial. It is a slow steady burn. The desire to be close, to feel close, can smother the flames. Closeness shouldn’t consume all your energy and oxygen, or be used to escape yourself. It isn’t the answer to loneliness. Comfortable closeness allows enough room for 2 individuals to delight in each other, not depend on each other.

If you can relate to this post all too well, your desire for closeness could be clouding your judgement on who you get close to in the beginning. Do you want to be close to somebody, or anybody? If it is the latter, you’re at high risk. Try to have a healthy amount of closeness with several people rather than an uncomfortable amount with only one?

Closeness can feel like a drug. The more you have with someone, the happier (higher?) it makes you, and leaves you craving more. But the more you have, the less it works, and the less it works, the more you take. The more you take the higher your chances of overdose! Be warned! The remedy to closeness overdose might be giving as much as you’re taking. So don’t take more than you can give or more than they can offer, or more than either of you can handle! Keep it real. And when the time comes to start weaning yourself off, take what’s left with a side of chill pills too if you can!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I don’t want you to miss me.

You know the way it goes. You get close to someone, and either you have a falling out or just naturally fade away from each other over time. You have some time apart, and after a given length of time one of you will reach out and say “I miss you.” It might be after only a day or 2 if you’re super close and talk daily, or it might be a year or 2. But eventually one of you will tune in to the silence and decide to end it. (Or not! Which totally happens and is an acceptable response, but for the sake of this article, I want to discuss the times when the bridging words are spoken.)

“I miss you.” It feels good to say it sometimes doesn’t it? And it probably feels true. Maybe it is true, what would I know?! People certainly do miss each other if they need to be apart circumstantially, but that’s not the kind of missing I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the kind of I miss you that is said because you don’t quite know what else to say. Hearing the words “I miss you” feels good too doesn’t it? It feels warm. Because people like to feel missed. It makes us feel like we mattered enough, like that other person was thinking about us and wanted us back.

My issue with the sentiment is that missing me was a choice the other person made. (Or a choice I made.)  If there was no reason for us to be missing each other, such as physical proximity, then it isn’t my responsibility to shoulder how you feel about your choice not to engage with me, nor yours to shoulder how I feel about choosing not to engage with you.  We didn’t have to be missing one another, we could have been talking or hanging out the whole time?

I tend to doubt the intent. I mean, do you miss me, really? I don’t think you do. I think maybe you want to hear that I miss you too? I think maybe you’re going through something, and you remember the last time you went through something that I was there for you and you miss having someone there for you? I think that maybe you prioritised the wrong things or people and now it hasn’t worked out you miss what we used to have once upon a time. I think perhaps you’re feeling nostalgic, and had a good memory of me that surprised you – not because you think of me often, but because you don’t. I think you’re probably lonely, or you miss the activities we used to do together or the fun we used to have.

Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling any of those things, it’s not wrong and it’s certainly not a crime. We have all felt like we missed someone sometime – whether we have said so or not. I just don’t like it as a bridging sentiment. What you’re feeling is almost certainly about you and you want me to think it is about me? Human nature wants to believe everything is about self, so it is appealing to believe. It feels warm and safe and inviting and it breaks the ice. This much is true.

But what about when people say it, and do nothing about it. When they say they miss you and they are thinking of you, but then when you suggest getting together they’re continually avoidant? If you didn’t really want to engage with me, why say anything at all? Just to check if I am still talking to you…. To make sure I am still an option even if you don’t want to take it up right now? To keep me on the line so to speak, but never reel me in?

Basically when we miss someone, it is because we didn’t, we stopped, or we aren’t prioritising them and we want to acknowledge it. So why not say that instead? Why not say “Hey Glenda, I know we haven’t spoken in a while. I got really busy when I started this job and took up with Bob, and I guess I let our friendship slide. I shouldn’t have done that, I regret it and I hope we can work at patching things up? “ Or “Hey Glenda, I’m not too sure why we haven’t been speaking, I guess we haven’t been putting in the effort into our friendship and I would like to start if you feel the same way?” Or even “Hi Glenda, I know things haven’t been good between us for some time and our last words were unkind. I’d really like to change that because losing our friendship over something petty like that wasn’t worth it and I regret it. I’d like to have you in my life again if you’re open to it.” Or even “Hello Glenda, I have had some hard news recently. I know we haven’t spoken in ages, but I could really use your support right now if you’re open to it?”

What I am saying is, “I miss you” is how you feel. I don’t want to know just how you feel, I want to know what you want to do about it. Feelings pass. Sometimes we act on them too soon, and not everyone you miss needs to be back in your life. Missing each other has been a choice, so what we feel about it isn’t as important as what we do about it? Is it?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is a key to happiness

We are all special and unique individuals, so it probably isn’t fair to say the friendship is THE key to happiness, even if I think it might be. Each person has a unique lock, and only a unique set of keys will open their heart to happiness. However, I think you will find on every set of keys there is one called friendship.

It’s probably wise to have a set of keys anyway, not just one, because we all have those times when it seems everyone else is busy and we need to find other ways to soothe, entertain and enjoy ourselves on our own. That is why we ultimately hold the only master key to the lock, and we should never put it in anyone else’s hands. Nor any one basket or category.

My friends make me happy, but it would be unwise to think that was the only source of happiness. Similarly, if I give my master key to a friend, I then need that friend to be happy. Same if I give it to my husband, my children, my therapist or my family. It is important to keep that key for myself because I am the most consistent person I spend time with and I need to be able to unlock my happiness at any time and in any circumstances.

There have been times when I accidentally gave my master key to someone, and then I struggled to get it back. In extremes it can feel like addiction to a person. Because you can’t unlock happiness without them, suddenly they become far too important and powerful. You might spend hours ruminating over an unread message or cry over cancelled plans, and neither of you quite understand what has happened to make you so needy! You accidentally gave them your key!

It is therefore wise, to really get to know someone slowly before you trust them with your friendship key. Get to know their habits, gain an understanding of their history with people, and understand their beliefs, values and hobbies. Observe how they spend their time before you trust that you will be compatible as friends. Acquaintances are on the entry list, but they haven’t earned a key yet.

Be mindful of intense bonding phases, as these tend to be friendship flings, and don’t mistake emotional intensity and intimacy for compatibility. It is a connection and it is important, but it can also blind your judgement for overall character. As with any relationships, platonic ones will also have a honeymoon phase where everybody is on their best behaviour and as Natalie Lue from baggage reclaim likes to say “People unfold” slowly after that revealing their true selves and the less flattering sides.

Until we spend a solid and consistent amount of time with people, we don’t yet know their communication skills, style, love languages or conflict resolution skills. We don’t yet know if they are avoidant or abusive. What we feel initially is spark, which is important, however instead of a bang, it should be a slow burn.

Let’s not forget you are also revealing yourself and earning one of their friendship keys too. So when someone earns a key, you know in your heart you can trust that this person consistently supports you and leaves you feeling good about yourself and happy and vice versa.

So what happens then if you do give your key to the wrong person and you find out too late and you can’t get your key back? I have good news for you. Chasing them for your key is fruitless, so don’t waste your time. Focus on your other baskets and your other key holders, while you quietly change the master lock behind the scenes and reset those entry keys. Then the person who had your key and wouldn’t return it no longer has power over your happiness and you learn a valuable lesson about the keys to your happiness on the way!

On that note, remember to handle your friends’ key with care too, you use it to unlock happiness with in them, so be mindful of your words and actions and if they are making people happy. And remember to use it because there is nothing sadder than losing a friend because you lost their key!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship Fodder

Recently a friend of mine has just come out of a very complicated and long relationship.  Wasting no time, she got herself straight back out there into the dating world, and certainly had her fair share of good and bad stories to share, as her female friends sat around drinking wine and asking for the details over nibbles.

My friend said one of the best things about this phase of life, was this feeling of reconnecting with her female friends and really being “one of the girls.” This is something she hasn’t felt particularly in a long time, having let many of her friendships fade while she was in a long term relationship and finding that her friends grew tired and disinterested in her never ending drama with the complicated ex.

That said, if she needed someone to talk to, there was almost always someone she could turn to about said drama and feel supported, heard and loved, albeit in a less fun way. What she enjoyed about the dating phase was the level of interest shared among her friends and the excitement and intrigue as they “interpreted texts” not to mention silences, and debriefed after dates! Pun intended!!

Sadly, the dates didn’t seem to work out for her and my friend realised she actually wasn’t ready to date. She needed to focus on herself, rediscover who she is and how to fill her time alone so that when she is ready for a partner, it is out of a want to have one and not from some inner place of need. This is all very healthy of course, however she reflected that she was worried how this would impact her friendships?

When I probed a little further, she attributed feeling like one of the girls to sharing in relationship talk, and suddenly she had nothing to add to those conversations. While she could and would listen to their own experiences on the subject, she felt it was unhealthy to surround herself with people who only wanted to talk about the one thing she was actively avoiding in her own life.

I asked her what other subjects they discussed, and she said they did always reflect and share on health issues, work and family stuff, however those topics quickly gave way to talk about love and romance. It wasn’t just that they didn’t really talk about much else, it was that she didn’t feel like there was much more interesting to discuss.

I see her point, we do get quite caught up and distracted in love and romance in friendship fodder, and we could very well be making the people who aren’t dating or in relationships feel excluded. However, it also ties in with what we think is acceptable or interesting to discuss. This particular friend and I like to discuss armchair psychology, however others of her friends are not that interested in such subjects.

Perhaps the issue is that the friends she was spending time with when she was dating are not the right fit for when she isn’t? Or perhaps she should try them on everyday things, like the interaction she had at the supermarket when an item was the wrong price, or the toxic environment brewing in her office. Just because it isn’t as exciting and fun to discuss, doesn’t mean they won’t enjoy her company.

Also, as per last week’s post, she decided to try and expand these friendships past girly talks about sex and dating. They all discovered a love of op shopping and spent a happy Sunday brunching, op shopping and talking fashion at bargain prices. And you know what? It was just as enjoyable! Which was music to my ears.

My friend and I reflected that we do rely too much on the area of romance for friendship fodder, and contemplated ways to combat it. However, we cannot change that the topic is exciting and interesting, it just is. We just need to remember that we don’t need to be dating to be interesting, to be involved or to be one of the girls. When the topic comes up in future, as it inevitably will, it will be my friend’s turn to listen and be the excited gal pal for someone else, until she feels ready to get back out there again.

Meanwhile she is going to explore so many interests, meet so many interesting people and have so many interesting experiences that she will remember that she isn’t boring, and she isn’t bored! Which will also help her when she is ready to date in knowing her value so the next person isn’t complicated! I have my suspicion that she will be living life to the fullest in a way that makes her the most interesting person at the party, not the least!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you the odd one out, or am I?

Humans are social creatures, and somehow instincts always tell us that we must fit in with our peers for safety and survival. In our younger years this meant pressure to wear brand name clothes and smoke cigarettes. By our mid 20’s it meant having some sort of degree or qualification under your belt and by 30 it meant owning a home and getting married. By 35 it meant having kids and a good body with a gym membership, and now as I approach 40 it seems to mean having it all. Being successful, a nice big house, with a cleaner, 2 kids and an au pair, fancy cars and private schools, investment properties and dinner parties with wine instead of bbq’s with beer! It means being a member of a book club, or some other exclusive intellectual affair, and for some it means affairs of a totally different nature with younger models!

But on every stage of the way, I have known someone, sometimes many, who feel they have failed to conform to this imaginary pressure. Some who still lived at home at 30, some who had failed marriages, some who had not found someone and married at all? Some single mothers, some yearning for kids to no avail and some who didn’t even want them. Some who were happily working supermarket jobs, and others unhappily climbing the ladder at their own expense.

At what point do we let go of what society wants for us and ask ourselves what we want for ourselves and embrace our differences instead of apologising for them? My friends who feel they are being left behind tend to be less social, suffer more anxiety and tend to be quieter, sharing less of themselves. When I have talked to them about this, they seem to be suffering major insecurity about everyone else having it all and them being “the odd one out.”

Of course, the way we judge ourselves is always harsher than the way we judge others and I think we should have more open and honest conversations about where we are all really at. Myself, I have a happy life, and seem to have it all, however my life is largely thanks to my family and my husband and I have been very lucky. I do not have the gym body, the house is small and messy, and my car is held together with tape!! Lol We all have areas on the list that we struggle with and might never conform to.

I reflect to these friends that I don’t want a bigger house, it would only mean more mess, and too soon it will be too big again as the children grow to adults. I don’t desire a career, and although I desire a nicer figure, I don’t desire the choices that will get me there and I will always struggle there! Not only does hearing that help my friends to feel better about themselves because all is not as rosy as it seems, it also helps them relate. Relating is key to friendships.

Talking about these so called pressures and expectations, also gives us the opportunity to share with our friends what they have achieved and what we envy about themselves that they have likely not recognised. Like the fact that they did a 6 year intensive degree, or that they have a much nicer car, or that you envy the freedom that not having kids allows them.

Not that it is a competition, and nor should it be. That is what these conversations prove! That we are all along the path somewhere, headed to the same direction but with unique hurdles along the way. The paths we choose and navigate may be different but they will all get us where we are going in the end. It might not look the same, but that is what makes it more interesting, not less.

In our own ways we are all the odd one out, and that is why none of us really are. If your friends are discussing something that is triggering your insecurities, speak up! Give them a chance to include you, share your experiences or lack thereof and how you feel about it to widen the scope of the conversation and allow everyone to be a little more vulnerable and real. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to shine a light on the darkness and you realise you are all more similar than you thought… albeit in different ways. Not only that, you reunite a divided group, and realise we are all human and we all want to relate, in one way or another! That is what friendship is all about!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do we have to know WHAT we like, to know WHO we like?

I have blogged before about not needing things in common to maintain a friendship, and I stand by it. If enough emotional intimacy is present, then usually you don’t have to enjoy the same things to enjoy a friendship. I have plenty of friends with whom I have very little in common in terms of interests and hobbies, yet we love chatting the hours away frequently. Though technically these friendships are unbalanced I suppose, being that we usually don’t do activities together, but just visit each other at home and talk! But it has never mattered to me because I have never wanted to expand them past that particularly.

Maybe that is because I know we don’t enjoy the same things, or maybe it is because I know we are just going to chat the whole time anyway that it is just as easy and inexpensive not to bother. I’m not too sure. However, after we were forcibly locked down recently, I started yearning for my activity friends in ways that were understandable yet somehow unexpected.

My activity friends are ones I enjoy, but talk to less. I like them fine, but for whatever reason, long conversation sometimes feels awkward, stunted or forced. These are the friends I will see movies or shows with, do escape room challenges, bowling or mini golf. We usually steer away from things like dinners because conversation needs to meander and with these particular friends that just feels strained. Sometimes it is because we have different values or opinions on things, or sometimes the person doesn’t open up and share, preferring to stick to more surface level topics that I struggle to engage with, or sometimes it is because the thing one of us really wants to talk about is off limits with that particular friend. It doesn’t really matter why we don’t talk as much, because being fun activity friends works for us both.

Obviously, during lock down it was these friends that I missed, because they weren’t the ones to keep in touch. There were no new gigs or movies or venues to check out. And I realised it wasn’t the activities I missed as much as the friends I enjoy them with. These friends bring joy and laughter. They keep things light and fun and although we might be less emotionally intimate, they still add huge value to my life. Laughter is the best medicine and these were the friends I needed to lift my mood! And they needed me equally.

So this made me ponder if I should be more mindful of trying to find friends with whom I can talk, share and deeply connect, as well as hang out and share activities. If I should take notes on the ways in which they like to spend their time to see if we would be more rounded in our connection. If they are the kinds of people who seem to get a rush from never slowing down, or the ones who love nothing more than slowing down. If they are more indoorsy or outdoorsy?

In pondering these things it made me think more closely about the kinds of things I like doing too, and how different we all are in our interests and hobbies. Not to mention values, and even circumstances. And all of these can play a role in how socially available and compatible 2 people will be for one another. A bird may love a fish….

I have always been happy kind of categorising my friends, as I find it helps me manage my expectations of them. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should be looking for friends that I cannot categorise because we like many of the same things and share many values and speak similar languages. Or maybe that is the ultimate dream, but we are each so unique in these aspects that we need more varied friends to match with us in certain areas and challenge us in others?

Certainly I can say it has been working for me so far, but moving forwards I think I will be more mindful of how my friends spend time when they are not with me as a way to assess compatibility so that I am not left longing for more than they can offer. My friends who are most socially successful perhaps are the ones who know themselves the best and surround themselves with more like-minded people.

I’m not going to say you have to have things in common to be friends, because you don’t. But I am going to say it might help, and knowing yourself and what you like, will definitely help you be attracted to people you might be better suited to.  Because sometimes, liking someone, just isn’t enough. After all, we are all likable to someone but not to everyone. If being likable was enough, we’d all be friends with everyone, and we aren’t, are we?

In answer to my question, I don’t think we have to know what we like to know who we like, but I definitely think it helps!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can you be friends with someone you don’t trust?

Someone asked me for advice recently about a friend with whom she had reconnected after a falling out and a period of silence of 5 years. This is a significant amount of time, so it is fair to say there was a great deal of animosity between the 2 people involved for quite some time. This can be difficult to overcome.

The pair reconnected over a happy event; the birth of a child, and now the person who asked for my advice is heavily involved in this child’s life. This person is fearful that they may fall out again and that they would lose the child as a result, and therefore feels like they are walking on eggshells around the mother, the ex ex-friend!! There’s a mouthful!

The thing is, the mother of the child is still putting the other friend in difficult positions, which was what led to their falling out in the first place. Things like engaging in talking about others, then sharing what was said about them to validate their argument. Which then causes animosity between the other 2 parties. Not to mention breaches of trust for all parties involved. Or being ungrateful for babysitting services of a full weekend because the child was half an hour late home. Or asking for favours at short notice, and expecting if not insisting upon them being honoured.

That’s not to say there isn’t many endearing qualities of the mother of the child or that there isn’t great and enjoyable aspects of their friendship. It’s easy enough to forgive after so much time has passed, however it is not so easy to forget when situations start recreating themselves. The person who reached out to me implied that things will be going really well, then something happens and they are reminded all over again. As a result they are struggling to trust this friend.

In this particular case there are family connections involved too, which might explain why cutting it off again is not considered an appropriate action, reflecting back on the strain it caused everyone the last time, which was before an innocent child was involved. Is it possible to continue the friendship when you don’t trust the other person even if you forgive them?

I think you have to be very cautious and aware. To avoid situations or conversations which make you uncomfortable and learn how to dodge topics or remain neutral as a way to passively refuse to get involved. As long as you are aware that the other person hasn’t really changed, and isn’t likely to, you have to assume responsibility for changing the ways you engage with them.

I doubt you could ever be close again on a personal level with someone you don’t trust, however, you can find other ways to connect and foster the connection for the greater good. Try and see the person in group situations rather than one on one. Don’t share too much about yourself,  keep them focused on themselves. Be careful with any advice you offer (especially advice about other people if that advice is likely to be repeated) and instead focus on asking them how they feel about things and what they think they should do or say.

Try to plan activities that don’t require too much conversation, or steer the conversation back to happy topics like the child or light subjects like the latest music. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this” or “I’m not too sure what to say” if you are pressed. If they lie to you, take what they say with a pinch of salt and verify information if necessary before acting. Don’t lend them anything you want to see again.

Make sure you say no as often as you say yes to requests. That way a yes will be hoped for but not expected. Lead by example. If you want them to be reliable and follow through, you must do the same.
Maintain your distance. You can be friendly, but I would advise against the label “friend” as that will cause inner turmoil and resentment when expectations aren’t met.

In answer to the question I don’t think you can be friends with someone you don’t trust. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. It isn’t fake, you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not, but trying to maintain positivity will go a long way. You never know. The trust might return in time. But don’t rush it, let it be what it will be, no pressure. You might not trust them, but if you trust yourself, you should be safe.

NOTE If you don’t trust them not to harm you; if you feel unsafe or at risk in any way, do not proceed. It is ok not to re-engage with unsafe people.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Inconvenient Truths

I have posted about this before, but I think it is important to recap how much convenience plays into friendships. As someone dear to my heart is currently struggling a little with this issue after both herself and her friend moved residence recently.

These 2 people had been close friends for over 20 years, and were always dropping by one another’s houses. They had girls nights in, shopping trips out, lunches and dinners with families and even joined some social groups together. They saw each other through so many changes over the years, that they didn’t expect this change to be any different. Except it is.

Suddenly they no longer live in close proximity, they don’t share the local shops or the local pub anymore and they don’t find themselves “in the area” anywhere near as often as they used to. Their friendship is increasingly happening online or on the phone, “when someone has a minute.”

The problem being that if you don’t consciously make time to communicate, before you know it, you are no longer communicating. Thankfully that hasn’t happened in this situation, nor do I think it will, however, it can be about the small stuff. When we make conscious effort to communicate it is usually about the big stuff. If we have some big news, or our friend has had some, it is expected that these things will still be shared. But what about the small stuff?

So much happens in a month, and sharing those little things can foster more closeness than you would expect. Having a giggle about the time you tripped at the shop, sharing a cup of tea and talking about a stressful day, or talking about an exciting new product you tried last week makes people feel more real and present in your life. Same goes with actually seeing people in person. I think this is because when we are on the phone for example we might also be doing the dishes, letting the dog out or folding the laundry. Which means we aren’t as truly present as we would be if we were sat opposite our friend at a café for example.

So it is pretty easy to start feeling disconnected when someone stops feeling present in your life. When they are still there, but somehow it feels as if they aren’t. When you realise you are no longer the person who knows all the small stuff as it is casually referenced and they don’t know your small stuff either. Being there for each other is a trademark of friendship, but the truth is, it is the people who are always there for the little things that you really want there for the big things. It’s easy to swan in for the celebrations or commiserations, but what grows in the middle is the substance.

What many people in this circumstance struggle to adjust to, is that if you want the friendship to continue blossoming, you actually need to make an effort. Drive the extra 10 minutes to see your friend even if you weren’t really in the area. Make plans with one another instead of relying on the pop in’s that used to be par for the course. Schedule time together, and commit to making it a priority.

What tends to happen though, is that one person seems happy with the shift. They don’t seem to notice the change and seem fairly comfortable with the longer silences. They don’t seem to want to make the effort and it can leave you feeling pretty discarded and wondering if you were more convenient than close?!

Truth is you were probably both. The convenience led to the closeness, helped it develop, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it did develop. The fact that your friend is moving on with their life is a happy thing, even if it sadly comes at your expense. Actually it is a good example of what you should be doing too. When friends move away and move on somewhat, it naturally leaves a bit of a hole in your heart and your life. However no matter what you do, it’s probably never going to be the same as it once was, and it is time for you to reflect that you were glad the convenience fostered that closeness and maybe even see if there is anyone else nearby who could fill some of the gaps now left open?

While it is normal and healthy to be sad and miss your friend, and acceptable to say that you do miss them, you should be careful not to expect enough change that things will go back to how they were. People, things and circumstances change all the time and we must grow with them and accept the new normal. So tell your friend you miss them, but a wise woman once told me not to tell someone if you are upset about something like this, because then you will just have 2 upset people instead of one, and there will be tension in the space growing between you instead of love.

So what’s the verdict? Make more effort, but accept the changes and keep looking for new ways to conveniently connect with new people, no matter what age or stage of life you are.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social Score-keeping - who called who first?!

So many of the people who write in to this blog have a similar complaint – their friends never reach out first, initiate contact or suggest getting together. While their friends are mostly accommodating if they touch base themselves and suggest something, my readers are left with a sour taste in their mouth about always having to go first.

The general consensus is that it leaves my readers feeling undervalued, and as if their friends wouldn’t really care if they weren’t friends. I can totally relate to this feeling, and I am willing to bet quite a few of you are too. It’s not nice to feel like your friends wouldn’t care or even notice if you just dropped out of their lives. Suddenly the weight of your friendship rests solely on your shoulders and you start getting resentful that it is supposed to be a joint commitment.

So I thought I would share my own experiences with this issue, because I have lots of practice with it, and because there can be several reasons why this is happening. None of them are about you, or your friendship, or about you being a good enough friend! Believe it or not, I think your friends would miss you, and they would notice if you suddenly weren’t around, although I wouldn’t recommend testing them.

I am a big believer in matching someone’s level of investment, so if I feel a friend has consistently let the friendship responsibility fall on me, I will pull back on initiating. I won’t stop altogether. We are friends, so I obviously like the person and want to stay friends.  And I have to accept that I have played my part in what has become an unhealthy pattern in the friendship. If I always reach out first, my friend doesn’t think she has to, she knows I will! Or maybe she doesn’t get the chance, because I get in there first?!

The first thing I want to point out is that obviously friendships are pretty important to me, and a priority in my life. It is actually not that common. Most people don’t prioritise friendships and as such, genuinely don’t even think about catching up if I don’t plant that seed. I can’t force them to share my values around friendship, I have to just accept that while they enjoy my company, they don’t share the same level of social need that I do. It isn’t personal, even if they are constantly making time for someone else and not me. Chances are it is also that other friend who is pursuing that time with them too.  So if I am the one wanting to chat or spend time, it should be me who reaches out, right?!

However, as I said, I will pull back and reach out to different people if it gets too heavy, and it’s a feeling I can’t ignore. 9 times out of 10, the friend in question will actually reach out…. Eventually. Not as soon as I would have, and certainly not as soon as I would have liked, but they will reach out. Sometimes that alone is enough for me to feel reassured that I was wrong and they do care. Other times, it is enough for them to realise that they need to actually initiate sometimes, because they never really noticed before that it was always me. Why would they?

Another reason a friend may not initiate is anxiety. A few of my friends are so worried about being bothersome, that it cripples them from reaching out at all. It’s sad that they feel this way, and I really hope I am not doing something that exacerbates this feeling, like not responding to messages in a timely manner or being too short with them or rushed when we do speak. They assure me that isn’t the case but they worry about things like messaging or calling at an inconvenient time, interrupting or annoying me. They worry about asking for time because everyone is so busy and they don’t want to be a burden; just another thing to do on a long list. They worry about suggesting the wrong activity or being excited about something in case I feel pressured. They basically are trying to put themselves totally aside to be as accommodating as possible. They also like to know they are missed, and valued and that I will reach out. I do care. Then when I do they know it is because I wanted to and not because they asked.

Which brings me to my next point. I have friends who do initiate, frequently, and to be honest it isn’t always the most convenient!! One pro about being the initiator is that I can plan myself and my life around my other things and other people. If I know I can’t do Saturday, for example, because it is my dad’s birthday lunch, I won’t suggest it. However it does feel a bit frustrating when someone else tries to initiate and you can’t find a time that works for both of you. You feel like you are the one being difficult even though their schedule is also not working with yours! My schedule is so opposite most peoples. I don’t work so I am mostly available during the day when they aren’t. My husband works most weekends so I am available then but most of my friends’ partners will be home and spending couple or family time then. My husband works 12 hour shifts and comes home at 7pm and that is when I turn the phone down and spend time with him, whereas many of my friends have just put the kids to bed and sat down. That is when they can talk. So it is frustrating navigating the calls and messages I get in the evenings when I am meant to be spending quality time with him. Although my friends are understanding of this, and are happy to wait for my reply until morning, I still sometimes feel torn about receiving the messages when I am unavailable and would prefer to get them when I am, obviously.

I have a friend who always calls. I almost never call her or initiate talking. She is a very busy woman and I know she doesn’t have the time. So she calls when she can and I make the effort to answer when I can and enjoy the effort and the chats even if it is always when she is driving. That is when she has time and I am pleased she thinks to call. However this same friend never initiates plans. If I want to see her or do anything, she will leave that up to me to arrange. She’s the type likely to call at 8pm and ask for my time on a whim. But if I am already in my pyjamas and cosy with hubby, I am unlikely to be up for anything. So because I prefer to plan and she doesn’t, she lets me plan things. It works.  We each have our roles.

The reason it works is because neither of us is score keeping. She isn’t upset I never call, she’s glad she can get to it when she has time, and I am not upset she never suggests plans, because as a planner I can suggest dates and times that work for me and she’ll usually be free because she isn’t a planner. Score keeping is basically deciding your friends don’t like you and care about you and value time together, then collecting evidence to support your theory.

They say you can find evidence to support anything and everything if you look hard enough, so why would you look for negatives in what is meant to be a positive? Look for evidence that they do like and value you, and you’ll find it. You’ll feel much better about it too!! It doesn’t matter who called who as long as you enjoyed the interaction, if you want to call a friend, call them! You’ll feel better than sitting around wishing they would call you and feeling resentful about it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx