Are you the odd one out, or am I?

Humans are social creatures, and somehow instincts always tell us that we must fit in with our peers for safety and survival. In our younger years this meant pressure to wear brand name clothes and smoke cigarettes. By our mid 20’s it meant having some sort of degree or qualification under your belt and by 30 it meant owning a home and getting married. By 35 it meant having kids and a good body with a gym membership, and now as I approach 40 it seems to mean having it all. Being successful, a nice big house, with a cleaner, 2 kids and an au pair, fancy cars and private schools, investment properties and dinner parties with wine instead of bbq’s with beer! It means being a member of a book club, or some other exclusive intellectual affair, and for some it means affairs of a totally different nature with younger models!

But on every stage of the way, I have known someone, sometimes many, who feel they have failed to conform to this imaginary pressure. Some who still lived at home at 30, some who had failed marriages, some who had not found someone and married at all? Some single mothers, some yearning for kids to no avail and some who didn’t even want them. Some who were happily working supermarket jobs, and others unhappily climbing the ladder at their own expense.

At what point do we let go of what society wants for us and ask ourselves what we want for ourselves and embrace our differences instead of apologising for them? My friends who feel they are being left behind tend to be less social, suffer more anxiety and tend to be quieter, sharing less of themselves. When I have talked to them about this, they seem to be suffering major insecurity about everyone else having it all and them being “the odd one out.”

Of course, the way we judge ourselves is always harsher than the way we judge others and I think we should have more open and honest conversations about where we are all really at. Myself, I have a happy life, and seem to have it all, however my life is largely thanks to my family and my husband and I have been very lucky. I do not have the gym body, the house is small and messy, and my car is held together with tape!! Lol We all have areas on the list that we struggle with and might never conform to.

I reflect to these friends that I don’t want a bigger house, it would only mean more mess, and too soon it will be too big again as the children grow to adults. I don’t desire a career, and although I desire a nicer figure, I don’t desire the choices that will get me there and I will always struggle there! Not only does hearing that help my friends to feel better about themselves because all is not as rosy as it seems, it also helps them relate. Relating is key to friendships.

Talking about these so called pressures and expectations, also gives us the opportunity to share with our friends what they have achieved and what we envy about themselves that they have likely not recognised. Like the fact that they did a 6 year intensive degree, or that they have a much nicer car, or that you envy the freedom that not having kids allows them.

Not that it is a competition, and nor should it be. That is what these conversations prove! That we are all along the path somewhere, headed to the same direction but with unique hurdles along the way. The paths we choose and navigate may be different but they will all get us where we are going in the end. It might not look the same, but that is what makes it more interesting, not less.

In our own ways we are all the odd one out, and that is why none of us really are. If your friends are discussing something that is triggering your insecurities, speak up! Give them a chance to include you, share your experiences or lack thereof and how you feel about it to widen the scope of the conversation and allow everyone to be a little more vulnerable and real. Sometimes all it takes is someone willing to shine a light on the darkness and you realise you are all more similar than you thought… albeit in different ways. Not only that, you reunite a divided group, and realise we are all human and we all want to relate, in one way or another! That is what friendship is all about!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do we have to know WHAT we like, to know WHO we like?

I have blogged before about not needing things in common to maintain a friendship, and I stand by it. If enough emotional intimacy is present, then usually you don’t have to enjoy the same things to enjoy a friendship. I have plenty of friends with whom I have very little in common in terms of interests and hobbies, yet we love chatting the hours away frequently. Though technically these friendships are unbalanced I suppose, being that we usually don’t do activities together, but just visit each other at home and talk! But it has never mattered to me because I have never wanted to expand them past that particularly.

Maybe that is because I know we don’t enjoy the same things, or maybe it is because I know we are just going to chat the whole time anyway that it is just as easy and inexpensive not to bother. I’m not too sure. However, after we were forcibly locked down recently, I started yearning for my activity friends in ways that were understandable yet somehow unexpected.

My activity friends are ones I enjoy, but talk to less. I like them fine, but for whatever reason, long conversation sometimes feels awkward, stunted or forced. These are the friends I will see movies or shows with, do escape room challenges, bowling or mini golf. We usually steer away from things like dinners because conversation needs to meander and with these particular friends that just feels strained. Sometimes it is because we have different values or opinions on things, or sometimes the person doesn’t open up and share, preferring to stick to more surface level topics that I struggle to engage with, or sometimes it is because the thing one of us really wants to talk about is off limits with that particular friend. It doesn’t really matter why we don’t talk as much, because being fun activity friends works for us both.

Obviously, during lock down it was these friends that I missed, because they weren’t the ones to keep in touch. There were no new gigs or movies or venues to check out. And I realised it wasn’t the activities I missed as much as the friends I enjoy them with. These friends bring joy and laughter. They keep things light and fun and although we might be less emotionally intimate, they still add huge value to my life. Laughter is the best medicine and these were the friends I needed to lift my mood! And they needed me equally.

So this made me ponder if I should be more mindful of trying to find friends with whom I can talk, share and deeply connect, as well as hang out and share activities. If I should take notes on the ways in which they like to spend their time to see if we would be more rounded in our connection. If they are the kinds of people who seem to get a rush from never slowing down, or the ones who love nothing more than slowing down. If they are more indoorsy or outdoorsy?

In pondering these things it made me think more closely about the kinds of things I like doing too, and how different we all are in our interests and hobbies. Not to mention values, and even circumstances. And all of these can play a role in how socially available and compatible 2 people will be for one another. A bird may love a fish….

I have always been happy kind of categorising my friends, as I find it helps me manage my expectations of them. It never occurred to me that perhaps I should be looking for friends that I cannot categorise because we like many of the same things and share many values and speak similar languages. Or maybe that is the ultimate dream, but we are each so unique in these aspects that we need more varied friends to match with us in certain areas and challenge us in others?

Certainly I can say it has been working for me so far, but moving forwards I think I will be more mindful of how my friends spend time when they are not with me as a way to assess compatibility so that I am not left longing for more than they can offer. My friends who are most socially successful perhaps are the ones who know themselves the best and surround themselves with more like-minded people.

I’m not going to say you have to have things in common to be friends, because you don’t. But I am going to say it might help, and knowing yourself and what you like, will definitely help you be attracted to people you might be better suited to.  Because sometimes, liking someone, just isn’t enough. After all, we are all likable to someone but not to everyone. If being likable was enough, we’d all be friends with everyone, and we aren’t, are we?

In answer to my question, I don’t think we have to know what we like to know who we like, but I definitely think it helps!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can you be friends with someone you don’t trust?

Someone asked me for advice recently about a friend with whom she had reconnected after a falling out and a period of silence of 5 years. This is a significant amount of time, so it is fair to say there was a great deal of animosity between the 2 people involved for quite some time. This can be difficult to overcome.

The pair reconnected over a happy event; the birth of a child, and now the person who asked for my advice is heavily involved in this child’s life. This person is fearful that they may fall out again and that they would lose the child as a result, and therefore feels like they are walking on eggshells around the mother, the ex ex-friend!! There’s a mouthful!

The thing is, the mother of the child is still putting the other friend in difficult positions, which was what led to their falling out in the first place. Things like engaging in talking about others, then sharing what was said about them to validate their argument. Which then causes animosity between the other 2 parties. Not to mention breaches of trust for all parties involved. Or being ungrateful for babysitting services of a full weekend because the child was half an hour late home. Or asking for favours at short notice, and expecting if not insisting upon them being honoured.

That’s not to say there isn’t many endearing qualities of the mother of the child or that there isn’t great and enjoyable aspects of their friendship. It’s easy enough to forgive after so much time has passed, however it is not so easy to forget when situations start recreating themselves. The person who reached out to me implied that things will be going really well, then something happens and they are reminded all over again. As a result they are struggling to trust this friend.

In this particular case there are family connections involved too, which might explain why cutting it off again is not considered an appropriate action, reflecting back on the strain it caused everyone the last time, which was before an innocent child was involved. Is it possible to continue the friendship when you don’t trust the other person even if you forgive them?

I think you have to be very cautious and aware. To avoid situations or conversations which make you uncomfortable and learn how to dodge topics or remain neutral as a way to passively refuse to get involved. As long as you are aware that the other person hasn’t really changed, and isn’t likely to, you have to assume responsibility for changing the ways you engage with them.

I doubt you could ever be close again on a personal level with someone you don’t trust, however, you can find other ways to connect and foster the connection for the greater good. Try and see the person in group situations rather than one on one. Don’t share too much about yourself,  keep them focused on themselves. Be careful with any advice you offer (especially advice about other people if that advice is likely to be repeated) and instead focus on asking them how they feel about things and what they think they should do or say.

Try to plan activities that don’t require too much conversation, or steer the conversation back to happy topics like the child or light subjects like the latest music. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this” or “I’m not too sure what to say” if you are pressed. If they lie to you, take what they say with a pinch of salt and verify information if necessary before acting. Don’t lend them anything you want to see again.

Make sure you say no as often as you say yes to requests. That way a yes will be hoped for but not expected. Lead by example. If you want them to be reliable and follow through, you must do the same.
Maintain your distance. You can be friendly, but I would advise against the label “friend” as that will cause inner turmoil and resentment when expectations aren’t met.

In answer to the question I don’t think you can be friends with someone you don’t trust. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. It isn’t fake, you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not, but trying to maintain positivity will go a long way. You never know. The trust might return in time. But don’t rush it, let it be what it will be, no pressure. You might not trust them, but if you trust yourself, you should be safe.

NOTE If you don’t trust them not to harm you; if you feel unsafe or at risk in any way, do not proceed. It is ok not to re-engage with unsafe people.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Inconvenient Truths

I have posted about this before, but I think it is important to recap how much convenience plays into friendships. As someone dear to my heart is currently struggling a little with this issue after both herself and her friend moved residence recently.

These 2 people had been close friends for over 20 years, and were always dropping by one another’s houses. They had girls nights in, shopping trips out, lunches and dinners with families and even joined some social groups together. They saw each other through so many changes over the years, that they didn’t expect this change to be any different. Except it is.

Suddenly they no longer live in close proximity, they don’t share the local shops or the local pub anymore and they don’t find themselves “in the area” anywhere near as often as they used to. Their friendship is increasingly happening online or on the phone, “when someone has a minute.”

The problem being that if you don’t consciously make time to communicate, before you know it, you are no longer communicating. Thankfully that hasn’t happened in this situation, nor do I think it will, however, it can be about the small stuff. When we make conscious effort to communicate it is usually about the big stuff. If we have some big news, or our friend has had some, it is expected that these things will still be shared. But what about the small stuff?

So much happens in a month, and sharing those little things can foster more closeness than you would expect. Having a giggle about the time you tripped at the shop, sharing a cup of tea and talking about a stressful day, or talking about an exciting new product you tried last week makes people feel more real and present in your life. Same goes with actually seeing people in person. I think this is because when we are on the phone for example we might also be doing the dishes, letting the dog out or folding the laundry. Which means we aren’t as truly present as we would be if we were sat opposite our friend at a café for example.

So it is pretty easy to start feeling disconnected when someone stops feeling present in your life. When they are still there, but somehow it feels as if they aren’t. When you realise you are no longer the person who knows all the small stuff as it is casually referenced and they don’t know your small stuff either. Being there for each other is a trademark of friendship, but the truth is, it is the people who are always there for the little things that you really want there for the big things. It’s easy to swan in for the celebrations or commiserations, but what grows in the middle is the substance.

What many people in this circumstance struggle to adjust to, is that if you want the friendship to continue blossoming, you actually need to make an effort. Drive the extra 10 minutes to see your friend even if you weren’t really in the area. Make plans with one another instead of relying on the pop in’s that used to be par for the course. Schedule time together, and commit to making it a priority.

What tends to happen though, is that one person seems happy with the shift. They don’t seem to notice the change and seem fairly comfortable with the longer silences. They don’t seem to want to make the effort and it can leave you feeling pretty discarded and wondering if you were more convenient than close?!

Truth is you were probably both. The convenience led to the closeness, helped it develop, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it did develop. The fact that your friend is moving on with their life is a happy thing, even if it sadly comes at your expense. Actually it is a good example of what you should be doing too. When friends move away and move on somewhat, it naturally leaves a bit of a hole in your heart and your life. However no matter what you do, it’s probably never going to be the same as it once was, and it is time for you to reflect that you were glad the convenience fostered that closeness and maybe even see if there is anyone else nearby who could fill some of the gaps now left open?

While it is normal and healthy to be sad and miss your friend, and acceptable to say that you do miss them, you should be careful not to expect enough change that things will go back to how they were. People, things and circumstances change all the time and we must grow with them and accept the new normal. So tell your friend you miss them, but a wise woman once told me not to tell someone if you are upset about something like this, because then you will just have 2 upset people instead of one, and there will be tension in the space growing between you instead of love.

So what’s the verdict? Make more effort, but accept the changes and keep looking for new ways to conveniently connect with new people, no matter what age or stage of life you are.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social Score-keeping - who called who first?!

So many of the people who write in to this blog have a similar complaint – their friends never reach out first, initiate contact or suggest getting together. While their friends are mostly accommodating if they touch base themselves and suggest something, my readers are left with a sour taste in their mouth about always having to go first.

The general consensus is that it leaves my readers feeling undervalued, and as if their friends wouldn’t really care if they weren’t friends. I can totally relate to this feeling, and I am willing to bet quite a few of you are too. It’s not nice to feel like your friends wouldn’t care or even notice if you just dropped out of their lives. Suddenly the weight of your friendship rests solely on your shoulders and you start getting resentful that it is supposed to be a joint commitment.

So I thought I would share my own experiences with this issue, because I have lots of practice with it, and because there can be several reasons why this is happening. None of them are about you, or your friendship, or about you being a good enough friend! Believe it or not, I think your friends would miss you, and they would notice if you suddenly weren’t around, although I wouldn’t recommend testing them.

I am a big believer in matching someone’s level of investment, so if I feel a friend has consistently let the friendship responsibility fall on me, I will pull back on initiating. I won’t stop altogether. We are friends, so I obviously like the person and want to stay friends.  And I have to accept that I have played my part in what has become an unhealthy pattern in the friendship. If I always reach out first, my friend doesn’t think she has to, she knows I will! Or maybe she doesn’t get the chance, because I get in there first?!

The first thing I want to point out is that obviously friendships are pretty important to me, and a priority in my life. It is actually not that common. Most people don’t prioritise friendships and as such, genuinely don’t even think about catching up if I don’t plant that seed. I can’t force them to share my values around friendship, I have to just accept that while they enjoy my company, they don’t share the same level of social need that I do. It isn’t personal, even if they are constantly making time for someone else and not me. Chances are it is also that other friend who is pursuing that time with them too.  So if I am the one wanting to chat or spend time, it should be me who reaches out, right?!

However, as I said, I will pull back and reach out to different people if it gets too heavy, and it’s a feeling I can’t ignore. 9 times out of 10, the friend in question will actually reach out…. Eventually. Not as soon as I would have, and certainly not as soon as I would have liked, but they will reach out. Sometimes that alone is enough for me to feel reassured that I was wrong and they do care. Other times, it is enough for them to realise that they need to actually initiate sometimes, because they never really noticed before that it was always me. Why would they?

Another reason a friend may not initiate is anxiety. A few of my friends are so worried about being bothersome, that it cripples them from reaching out at all. It’s sad that they feel this way, and I really hope I am not doing something that exacerbates this feeling, like not responding to messages in a timely manner or being too short with them or rushed when we do speak. They assure me that isn’t the case but they worry about things like messaging or calling at an inconvenient time, interrupting or annoying me. They worry about asking for time because everyone is so busy and they don’t want to be a burden; just another thing to do on a long list. They worry about suggesting the wrong activity or being excited about something in case I feel pressured. They basically are trying to put themselves totally aside to be as accommodating as possible. They also like to know they are missed, and valued and that I will reach out. I do care. Then when I do they know it is because I wanted to and not because they asked.

Which brings me to my next point. I have friends who do initiate, frequently, and to be honest it isn’t always the most convenient!! One pro about being the initiator is that I can plan myself and my life around my other things and other people. If I know I can’t do Saturday, for example, because it is my dad’s birthday lunch, I won’t suggest it. However it does feel a bit frustrating when someone else tries to initiate and you can’t find a time that works for both of you. You feel like you are the one being difficult even though their schedule is also not working with yours! My schedule is so opposite most peoples. I don’t work so I am mostly available during the day when they aren’t. My husband works most weekends so I am available then but most of my friends’ partners will be home and spending couple or family time then. My husband works 12 hour shifts and comes home at 7pm and that is when I turn the phone down and spend time with him, whereas many of my friends have just put the kids to bed and sat down. That is when they can talk. So it is frustrating navigating the calls and messages I get in the evenings when I am meant to be spending quality time with him. Although my friends are understanding of this, and are happy to wait for my reply until morning, I still sometimes feel torn about receiving the messages when I am unavailable and would prefer to get them when I am, obviously.

I have a friend who always calls. I almost never call her or initiate talking. She is a very busy woman and I know she doesn’t have the time. So she calls when she can and I make the effort to answer when I can and enjoy the effort and the chats even if it is always when she is driving. That is when she has time and I am pleased she thinks to call. However this same friend never initiates plans. If I want to see her or do anything, she will leave that up to me to arrange. She’s the type likely to call at 8pm and ask for my time on a whim. But if I am already in my pyjamas and cosy with hubby, I am unlikely to be up for anything. So because I prefer to plan and she doesn’t, she lets me plan things. It works.  We each have our roles.

The reason it works is because neither of us is score keeping. She isn’t upset I never call, she’s glad she can get to it when she has time, and I am not upset she never suggests plans, because as a planner I can suggest dates and times that work for me and she’ll usually be free because she isn’t a planner. Score keeping is basically deciding your friends don’t like you and care about you and value time together, then collecting evidence to support your theory.

They say you can find evidence to support anything and everything if you look hard enough, so why would you look for negatives in what is meant to be a positive? Look for evidence that they do like and value you, and you’ll find it. You’ll feel much better about it too!! It doesn’t matter who called who as long as you enjoyed the interaction, if you want to call a friend, call them! You’ll feel better than sitting around wishing they would call you and feeling resentful about it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Play Dates Between Pals With Different Parenting Styles

Most of the time we don’t co-parent with friends, so parenting shouldn’t be an issue, should it? Yet that hasn’t been true in my experience or that of any other mother I know! Different parenting styles definitely do impact our time together with each other and often leave everyone questioning themselves.

So, if we don’t co-parent, then why does it matter? You’d be surprised how often this creeps up actually. Let’s take this virus as an example to start. Some parents withdrew their kids from school immediately. They ceased play dates and were shocked and annoyed that people around them had not done the same. Other parents thought they were being extreme. They left their kids in schools until official advice told them to do otherwise. Some will be sending them back the minute they get the go ahead and some will be holding them home until such times that a cure or vaccine is found.

Moving away from that example, some parents let their kids have fast food and cola for lunch on a play date and others always pack a healthy lunch and bring it along for their kids. Some let their kids stay up later with no strict guidelines on bedtimes and others have a regimented routine for their kids. Some allow screen time and don’t worry too much about it while others allow only a very small supervised window.

This isn’t a parenting blog. I don’t believe there is any one way that is better overall, do whatever works for your family as long as you have healthy happy and loved kids, then we should all mind our business. Which sounds like simple advice in theory, doesn’t it? But it isn’t always as easy as it sounds in practise. Because sometimes other people’s parenting impacts you.

Say you take your kids to the park with another mum. She has packed veggie sticks, fruit, yoghurt and plain popcorn with water. Then yours pull out chips, chocolates, cakes and biscuits, with juice boxes. You automatically feel like a bad parent for packing such rubbish. You assume she is judging you. She probably is. But let’s look at why? She is probably being hard on herself for being too uptight and now she’s stressed because her kids are whinging and asking why they don’t get treats. Stress is not what either of you were hoping for. In fact it was what you were both trying to avoid. Each of you now feels you have to justify your choice to the other.  TIP To avoid this situation if you don’t know your friend’s style yet, bring a variety of options with enough for her children to share too, so none of the kids complain “it’s not fair… and be willing to compromise. Let the kids have a juice, or tell them they cannot have the chips today, or whatever it is. Work together to keep everyone comfortable)

What we need to understand is that our parenting is a combination of unique experiences, relationships, self esteem circumstances and values. As a parent of an Autistic child my family needs structure, but perhaps a family with an anxious child prohibits that structure. I was taught to save, so tend to be frugal, but some of my friends seem to pick out the most expensive activities possible when they suggest something! Lol But most of the time our judgments come from our own insecurities.

We MUST stop comparing ourselves, negatively or positively because we really don’t know someone else’s situation. We don’t live their life, we don’t feel their feelings or have capacity to understand their decisions. What we do know is that there is no one size fits all solution. When you feel judged the most judgement isn’t coming from your friends, it is usually coming from yourself. Envying her choices and berating yourself for not trying harder.

If there is one thing I have learned from parenting and watching my friends parenting alongside me it is that this is HARD. That we are literally all doing the best we can. That we all cope differently. And that the one thing we ALL need is validation and acceptance. Not that we are doing it better, but that we are doing it well enough.  That we aren’t failing.

Friendship is a mechanism of support. If that means compromising on where you take the kids with your friends and feeding them a little differently for one day because someone has an allergy or has decided their family is going vegan, then so be it. What really matters is that you stop and say to your friend “You are a great parent. You are doing a good job. This is HARD, I support you and I love you and your family.” It isn’t a competition. We are NOT co-parenting, so it doesn’t matter how we each do it, only that we never give up trying and that we help instead of hinder one another.

To all my friends, you are good parents. You are enough. I know you get up every day and give it all you’ve got. I have watched special moments happen between each of you and your kids. I have envied you, and learned from you and leaned on you. I love you and your kids. They are amazing little versions of you growing into their own in ways I am proud to watch. Thank you for your ongoing support. I couldn’t do it without you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sisterhood of Female Friendships

Reflecting about friendships in a conversation with my mother a few months back, she pondered the question “do we place higher value on friendships because we didn’t have a sister?” My mum had 2 brothers and I had one. It may not be a coincidence that many of my closest friends are also the only girls, having varying amounts of brothers.

This isn’t something I had really noticed until my mother pointed it out. I also have a really small family unit here in Australia, being my brother and my parents. Both my brother and I have married and had children, however my husband’s family in Australia is even smaller than my own. This is not a bad thing. I think I would have been overwhelmed with a big close knit extended family.

That said, many of my friends do have that. They have grandparents and second cousins and aunts and so do their partners where applicable. So much of their time is dedicated to spending time with family. When they need someone to talk to or something to do, they turn inwards. After all they are always welcome with family, no invitation or particular effort is required and they will include you at short notice.

That is not something I have known. I have learned to turn to friends for these things. While my mother is indeed my friend these days, when they go back to the UK to visit their family for example, I must look elsewhere for support and inclusion. It took me a good many years to spend time on my own in a way that was valuable to me and not dreaded or suffered through. While I think this skill is particularly valuable (especially in recent COVID-19 times) it’s not one many other people have been forced to possess. The odd moments they get alone may be treasured because they get so few. Whereas for me the odd moments of connection are equally valuable for the same reasons.

While I am now happy to be on my own, I still like to go out and socialise. When I do that, it seems only natural to turn to my friends. However they can be hard to pin down because they are always busy with many family events. This reality has often escaped me and I have just felt sad that my friends don’t seem to prioritise time together. The truth is, they just have different circumstances than I do, and different priorities.

As much as I love my brother and consider him a close friend and confidante, I cannot escape that I so enjoy social time with other women. Our interests in hobbies, and also in conversational topics  makes time together a pleasure. And although I recognise growing up with same gendered siblings is often fraught with competition, in adult years I see those relationships blossom into close lifelong friendships.

Perhaps, on some level, this commitment, this friendship that is always on a deeper level is what I have been yearning for and trying to achieve. Or maybe it is what I have been subconsciously expecting, which is leaving me feeling I have fallen short in some way? When in reality it isn’t reasonable to expect the same level of interest or priority one gives family. On reflection the friendships I do form, which are intense and intimate, are the next best thing?

As I said, it is probably no coincidence I have found women also seeking a makeshift sisterhood. Women open to bonding with me in profound and meaningful ways, and coming together to support each other with a depth of love quite close to that of family. And I think it is time to accept that close enough is good enough. To accept that they value our friendship to the highest of their ability and expectation based on their values and circumstances. That when they don’t make time for our friendship it isn’t a reflection of myself, but of themselves and their lives. That they have familial obligations that I simply cannot comprehend as I have never been a part of a big family unit with endless demands for time.

And when I look at it that way, perhaps the time they make for me is more special, not less special, because they don’t need me to fill the gaps in their time, to go out and have fun, for support or advice. They just want to. They choose me. And maybe in some ways that is better than some familial obligation.

Pros and cons to each. I’ll probably never know to really compare (unless one of my parents has a secret child I am unaware of!) and I should not compare anyway. The sisterhoods I am a part of bring me so much happiness. Thank you for being the closest I’ll ever get. Your friendship is enough.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Chinese zodiac signs friendship compatibility

Every time we turn on the news these days, there’s a subtle message being pumped at us from our screens - that this virus is taking over the world and we should be scared of everything we touch or go near. Plus, we’re never too far away from pointing the finger at where it all began - China! Not to mention the other political and racial unrest the world is currently facing. This week, in solidarity, as we’re all about to be freed from our social isolation, and we leave the comfort of our homes with our stashes of doomsday food (and if you’re lucky a pyramid of toilet paper) I wanted to write something light-hearted and fun about cultural astrology because hey, we all need a little fun escape sometimes - believers and skeptics alike! So now you can socialise again, with whom should you do so? Once you have refreshed your memory on which star signs you’re most compatible with here, you might want to know which year group is best for you too!

Year of the Rat (1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020)

IMAGES: https://publicdomainvectors.org/en/chinese-zodiac-clipart-free

People born in the year of the Rat, are known to be capable, opportunistic, resourceful and versatile.  They know what they want and how to get it. They are considered genuinely kind people, however are also quick witted and may have a sharp tongue.
BEST FRIENDS: the Ox, the Dragon and the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: the Horse.

Year of the Ox (1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021)

People born in the year of the Ox, are considered to be diligent and determined. They are known for their strength of character, and firm dependable nature.  They are practical and analytical friends and will offer feedback, asked for or not!
BEST FRIENDS: the Rat, the Monkey and the Rooster.
FRENEMIES: the Goat

Year of the Tiger  (1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022)

People born in the year of the Tiger, are thought to be brave, and confident. They are also however, quite competitive and aggressive (or at extremes violent) in nature. More down to earth, they have little patience or understanding for dreamers, preferring more practical adventures. Despite this, they can struggle with impulse control.
BEST FRIENDS: the Dragon, the Horse and the Pig
 FRENEMIES: the Monkey

Year of the Rabbit (1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023)

People born in the year of the Rabbit, are generally quiet individuals, with a responsible disposition. They are kind souls however because they are quite elegant, can sometimes come off as snobbish. This is because they are smart and self assured, not to mention capable and social chameleons of sorts, but can struggle to prioritise things in their life including friendships. They are open strategists always looking to move upwards and onwards and tend to be more professionally than personally motivated.  
BEST FRIENDS: the Rat, the Goat, the Monkey, The Dog and the Pig.  
FRENEMIES: the Rooster.

Year of the Dragon  (1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024)

People born in the year of the Dragon, are the most intelligent and are particularly self-assured. They possess confidence and approach life with enthusiasm. The dragon is trustworthy and trusting, sometimes too trusting, and particularly stubborn.
BEST FRIENDS: the Rat, the Tiger and the Snake.
FRENEMIES: the Dog

Year of the Snake (1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025)

People born in the year of the Snake, are the some of the wisest people. They possess emotional intelligence and draw people in with their enigmatic nature. These friends are tactful and self-possessed, yet persistent when they need to be. They don’t give up easily.
BEST FRIENDS: the Dragon and the Rooster.
FRENEMIES: the Pig

Year of the Horse  (1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026)

People born in the year of the Horse, are animated and energetic. They are active mentally and physically and easily restless and impatient. They are sometimes considered wanderers as they don’t stick at anything for too long, but this is because they like to have goals to work towards and are naturally forward thinkers and planners.
BEST FRIENDS: the Goat and the Tiger.
FRENEMIES: the Rat

Year of the Goat  (1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027)

People born in the year of the Goat, are gentle modest  souls. Real nurturers they are calm and deeply sympathetic, also known to be sensitive. On the downside the goat can be gullible, a follower and temperamental at best. The most modest of the signs, they help friends in a supportive role, but friends need to equally support and encourage them to remember themselves as self-worth and esteem can be prominent issues.
BEST FRIENDS: the Rabbit, the Horse and the Pig.
FRENEMIES: the Ox

Year of the Monkey (1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028)

People born in the year of the Monkey, are cheeky, sharp and curious. Don’t underestimate them by their playful nature though, as they are smarter than you think and consider themselves problem solvers. They can also be quite cunning and they know this as they are also very self-aware.
BEST FRIENDS: the Ox and the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: the Tiger

Year of the Rooster (1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029)

People born in the year of the Rooster, are courageous and hardworking. They are the most observant of the signs however, and use this talent to consider actions closely. (Both their own and those of others)  They are eccentric yet sincere friends, prone to over-thinking.
BEST FRIENDS: the Ox and the Snake.
FRENEMIES: the Rabbit

Year of the Dog  (1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030)

People born in the year of the Dog, are the most emotional and prudently loyal friends. They will always be honest, and can at times be brutal with that honesty. Don’t worry though, their bark is worse than their bite! They are determined yet serene. They are sociable, friendly and well liked, however prefer to have one or 2 close friends than a group.
BEST FRIENDS: the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: The Dragon

Year of the Pig  (1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031)

People born in the year of the Pig, are generous and compassionate. They possess a diligence lacking in many other signs which makes them persistent friends. They are powerful, and supportive friends when they find the time to be, however thrive in more practical or professional fields than personal relationships as they charge their way forward in life.
BEST FRIENDS: the Goat, the Tiger and the Rabbit.
FRENEMIES: the Snake

How does this weigh up for you? Is your best friend compatible, or did you marry a frenemy like I did? Lol

This gives you some insight into who you’re compatible with based on what year you were both born. If you want to be even more specific and add months to the list too, check out my other astrology based post “Is your friendship written in the stars”

OR

If you want to know why your frenemy is a frenemy, head to:

6 Chinese Zodiac Signs That Are The Least Compatible written by Lauren Schumacker on 24 July 2018 on Romper.com

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

SOURCES: https://www.chinahighlights.com/travelguide/chinese-zodiac/
https://www.thechinesezodiac.org/the-chinese-zodiac-the-four-large-groups-of-friendship/

How Different Friends Have All Reacted Differently To The Pandemic Panic.

To say I was surprised by the pandemic is an understatement. I was planning to cruise, of all things, this April. I am not one to normally read the news or discuss worldly events…. But my friend who does was trying gravely to get me to accept the seriousness of the situation. By the time it hit me that this could indeed be something to be concerned about, cruises were cancelled, and schools were not far behind.

Even after cruises were cancelled, I was still planning to travel interstate. We had flights booked and no refunds were being offered, so I figured we could still go and enjoy the theme parks. Except then they were closed. I resisted home schooling. The high school had emailed saying they expected us to run the kids’ timetable at home. My son has special needs which meant I would need to sit with him and teach him fulltime. And also somehow navigate my daughter’s learning. It was too overwhelming to contemplate.

Then I did start watching the news and, did a grocery shop, pulled the kids out of school and activities and started hunkering down. I can hardly remember the last time I left the house. I started leaning in and taking this seriously. I had to learn the school online system and print a million different things. I organised them all and set both my kids on my son’s timetable, making sure they each had enough tasks for the hours and using recess and lunch to do dishes and wash clothes. I read books and watched trashy TV and tried to keep my family safe.

I haven’t seen my parents, or my friends, for any reason. My husband is at high risk and so are my parents. My son is at educational risk. I have to do what I have to do. I was clear with my friends that we were self isolating and I wouldn’t be around. Yet I still had people asking me to hang out, babysit and celebrate with them – in person. These requests made me uncomfortable for 2 reasons. 1 because I am a people pleaser and I feel I have to justify saying no and letting people down, and 2 because I didn’t want to be judged for “over-reacting” or for my friends to feel I was judging them for not reacting the same as I am.

While my friends were obviously disappointed, they respected my choice – some better than others. But I do think many of them felt judged by me. Was I judging them? Maybe I was? I certainly didn’t believe we should all be out flouting the rules, which had been increasingly clear. Stay home. So maybe I was judging them? Someone posted a thing on social media that indicated those feelings were stemming from a place of fear not growth or compassion.

3 different friends reached out to me to tell me they were having a hard time with social isolation. One living alone, one a single mother and one who’s partner was FIFO and meant to be away for a month at a time. And I had to reflect that I had leaned into social isolation so much that it had given me structure. It was a coping mechanism and I was lucky to have it. Not all schools were as thorough with their expectations or provisions of work and some parents trying to work from home couldn’t keep up with the work that was provided.

Some people had no choice but to lean on others for childcare and some of them still had to turn to elderly parents despite the risk. Some people had nobody to care for, talk to or nothing to do at all. In short, while I had found my coping mechanism, they were not coping at all. And just because I was didn’t put me in a position to be judging them.  I might not be on the same page as them, but nor was I in the same book. Their story was their own and although I couldn’t be there with them, I still had to find ways to be there for them.

My own coping mechanism meant I was busier than I had ever been, which had the downside of meaning I was less available to chat. So I made a promise to myself that each day I would make the effort to reach out to a friend, check in and see how she was doing – not what she was doing or with whom.

I hear more from friends I don’t usually speak to much and less from friends I used to speak to more regularly. Some have been withdrawn and leaning into themselves and some have been reaching out more to feel connected. I respect and understand both. How I have reacted has surprised me so how can I have expectations of how others should react.  When I look at it through the lens of compassion and consideration I know we are all doing our best and doing what we need to do to get by.  And at the end of the day, as my Grandfather liked to say “I only have to sleep with my own conscience each night.” There is no “one size fits all” solution and there is no right or wrong reaction.

We have to get through this alone. But we have to do it together. We cannot let it divide us. I am not right, just different.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When opposites attract

Sometimes introverts are drawn to extroverts, athletes are drawn to beauty queens or intellectuals are drawn to people with more street smarts than book smarts. It appears to be the way of the world that attraction to people can stem from things we feel we are lacking in ourselves. This extends into most areas of our lives beyond the romantic realm, and definitely within friendships.

In the media there will often be an outrageous, loud social character, but inevitably the bestie is the awkward, shy sensible nerd, or vice versa. These fictional depictions aim to demonstrate how different personality types bounce off each other and balance one another out.  Which is often true, if a little far-fetched.

In these types of pairings in the media, however, the characters always seem to be willing to step out of their comfort zone for each other. The introvert attends parties, while the extrovert gets a little more serious. The athlete gets a makeover and the beauty queen takes an interest in sports. The intellectual learns some quirky life skills while the street smarts picks up a book. It’s a nice idea, and relatable, but not always reality. These types of media are, after all, selling us a dream.

More often than not, if you’re a really active person, and your closest friend happens to be a couch potato, the chances of either one of those things changing are slim to none. “A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?” One of the most important things I find in developing friendships is spending time together, in person. Finding ways to achieve that, and include fun, memory making activities, and also time for vulnerability and connecting on emotional levels can become challenging if you don’t enjoy the same sorts of activities.

Say for example you love the beach and zip lining, and hiking, and I like day spas and cocktails by the pool, then we’re probably not really suitable travel companions, even if we are great friends. But how can we find ways to still enjoy each other’s company day to day when the ways we enjoy spending time are so different?

I have a friend who I am sure has undiagnosed ADHD. She literally never stops. She thrives on being busy and is always multitasking. From talking on the phone in the car, to working while cooking dinner, and working out while watching TV. It’s not just her body that she cannot still, it appears to be her mind. I admit it stresses me out! Even if we go to the movies, she will be messaging someone on her phone and playing games on it all at once. I am a slower paced person. I love zoning out at the movies, or having an in depth conversation on the couch.

To spend time with her in ways that I find enjoyable and engaging, which still meet her needs for movement and mental stimulation, I find it useful to ask her to cook for me, for example. It meets her need to be “doing something” while we chat, and I will wait until she sits down to eat before I talk about anything particularly important that needs her attention. After dinner, instead of watching something and sitting on the couch, we might play a board game. Admittedly she is more interested in the games than I am, but this allows her to give me the quality time and conversation I need while her needs are also being met.

If you are indoorsy but your friend is outdoorsy, you could still do a picnic – we all need to eat?! Or if you are not adventurous and she is, you can go to the parks and take pictures of her on all the rides, making sure that she compromises and spends some time with you in the hot tubs too? If you are active and she likes to relax, go for a strenuous workout the day before you book a massage together.

We can’t ask or expect our friends to change who they are to be more like us, nor can we change ourselves to be more like them. What we can do is really observe our friends and what they enjoy, what their needs appear to be, and suggest things that might be enjoyable for you both. And when all else fails, we all need to eat, right?!

How do you spend time with your friends who are pretty different from you?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Pros and Cons of Long Distance Friendships

PRO: You learn about other places and cultures

During this COVID-19 Pandemic, it has been especially interesting to hear from my friend in America and how things are affected over there. Before all this she has sent me care packages with all their favourite yummy treats! Drools! She also helped me purchase something online you needed a USA address for. So many pro’s of her living on the other side of the world!

CON: You miss giving them a hug when one of you needs it.

My friend and I share so much. We are always engaged in an endless conversation about our lives, and sometimes it is easier to share our struggles with each other, because of the distance. However I can’t tell you how many times we have said we wished we were closer in distance so we could give each other a big comforting hug when either of us needs one!

PRO: You don’t have to get dressed up to see them.

My friend and I keep in touch mostly by written means, emails, texts and instant messages. It gives us the chance to catch each other up in our own time and really consider what we want to say. There is never a time limit, I don’t have to rush to be on time, dress up and spend money to catch up with her. Because of the time differences I am usually in bed in my pyjamas when we message. A whole new meaning to the term “pillow talk!”

CON: Time differences are a bitch and you might miss some of the special events you’d love to get dressed up for.

Of course the time differences mean if I am having a lunch time dilemma, it is midnight there and my friend is unlikely to even be aware of my message until hours later. Plus she would be totally worth getting dressed up for. I’d love to celebrate her birthday or go to her wedding vow renewal…..

PRO: Great excuse to travel!

I guess some of these big life events, births, deaths, weddings and funerals are great excuses to go and travel. I’d love nothing more than to surprise her with my presence one of these days, and I will one day, but America is quite the trek from Australia.

CON: Travel is expensive and you only have so many holidays a year, which means you might not see them as often as you’d like.

Not only is it a long plane ride from Australia to America, it’s very expensive. So while I do plan to visit America one of these days, it might be a once in a lifetime trip. As much as we sometimes wish we were neighbours, my presence in her life will always be from a distance. But at least when I am there it will be extra special and meaningful.

PRO: You have to be conscious of making time to keep in touch!

My American friend reminds me that friendships don’t just happen. We get busy, and because we aren’t in one another’s immediate social circle, we have to remember about our friendship and make the extra effort to write to each other and keep in touch. It is so rewarding that it makes me reflect on how strong our friendships are when we consciously put in effort even when things get busy.

CON: It can feel as if you’re on the sidelines watching their life instead of participating!

Sometimes it can be hard though, that because of the distance we can’t really be there for each other in the ways that local friends can be. Although we are always reporting back to each other regularly, sometimes it feels like you know all their people so well that you wish you were right there with them all. It’s hard to make memories with someone you never see. But at least we can share and preserve memories with each other!

PRO: Love know no bounds!

I love my long distance friends, and I’m so glad to have them. Our conversations bring us closer and foster just as much intimacy as some of my local ones. As much as I value my face to face time with friends, with enough effort and consistency, sometimes I forget these friends aren’t really there, because it feels like they are! You’ll notice there are more pro’s than con’s on this list, because a healthy friendship is always a pro despite it’s limitations!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What does "best friends" mean to you? (And does it mean the same thing to your bestie?)

It is important to know, before you enter a best friendship, what the word best friends means to you, practically, and what it means to your friend too! While the term best friends makes me somewhat uncomfortable, I support the premise of best friendships. I believe the concept often outlives the people in it. That we have someone or a maybe even few select friends to whom we feel closest at any one time, however those people change over the years.

Maybe those people change over the years because our definitions or expectations of a best friend were never the same to begin with? Most people I know tend to think of best friendships as a lifelong commitment, so straight off the bat my expectation that the friendship may cease to look, feel or be defined in the same capacity, is at odds with people’s expectations. Of course I used to think of it the same way as them, however have learned that is not healthy for me through experience, and found it helpful to manage my expectations and perceptions around the concept. Let’s explore that.

For some, the title “best” implies a hierarchy, a priority and an exclusivity between 2 friends. You cannot therefore, by that description have more than one. A person with this belief system may indeed feel slighted to learn you have someone else with whom you feel equally close. For others they may hold the expectation that a best friend should always be supportive and positive, while their friend feels strongly that a dose of harsh truth is the measure of true friendship.  Or while one person may hold the belief that a partner always supersedes a friendship, the other may hold the opposite expectation.

While these expectations may lie dormant when things are going smoothly, they can easily cause the friendships to weaken when circumstances change. This can leave us dumbfounded and shell shocked, questioning our entire friendship as a result. The real issues probably don’t lie in each other, or our friendship, but more so in the mismatched beliefs in our values and expectations around this issue.

This can be a tricky thing to navigate. One of the most common problems is that we tend to assume that people will respond to us in similar ways that we would respond to them, so it never occurs to us to discuss how we need our friends to show up for us.  Even when a friend does communicate what they want, need and expect from us it can be difficult to communicate if we do not share a similar vision.

One friend may like to communicate daily, whereas the other friend may feel this is unnecessary and become quickly irritated by the constant intrusion. Or one friend may expect that the other will include and welcome their partner into their friendship while the other expects that the friendship will continue as it is with just the 2 of them involved. These things tend to cause friendships to fracture, in a similar way that a relationship can fracture when you eventually discover that only one of you wants children.

Luckily very few of the issues we are facing as friends are quite as non-negotiable or difficult to compromise on as that, however, the fact remains that these are conversations we should be having consistently throughout our friendships to stay on the same page, and issues should be addressed as they present and not left until it is too late. Friendships are still a vehicle that need to be driven with care to maintain that they stay on the right road to an agreed destination.

Before you call someone a best friend, you should have known them for a long while, long enough to witness their patterns and history with others. To really weigh up their character and see if your values align. Next, you should ask them what they expect of a best friend, how often they expect to communicate, how much time and attention they have for friends when they are partnered, and what their love languages are in friendships. Lastly you should ask them their visions for the future, how they picture their lives and see how it compares with how you see your own.

As someone who values friendship, for example, I expect to still see friends outside of my marriage, separate to my partner and I need regular quality alone time with friends to really feel connected and like they are showing up for me. That means as much as I may like and have things in common with someone, if they foresee their future including an enmeshed relationship where they only socialise as a couple, that is not a good match for me long term because even if it meets my needs right now, it probably won’t, forever. That doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, only that I need to keep my expectations in check in the future and my investment at a level I can maintain when their future eventuates. Similarly, if someone is weighing me up for best friendship, they need to be aware that I like face time pretty regularly, so if they know that they’re probably too busy to meet that need of mine, they shouldn’t get too close.

Of course, we cannot always help who we click with, and sometimes it’s not with someone who is as compatible long term as we would have hoped. In which case, all we can do is compromise, and offer our best selves and hope it is enough. Be mature, accommodating and forgiving. The reason best friends makes me uncomfortable these days is because it feels unrealistic not to mention too much pressure to place on one person to be all things, and meet all your long term needs. If your best friend is someone who’s future or values don’t quite match you own, I’d suggest not putting all your eggs in their basket, and being open to very difficult vulnerable conversations whereby you expect to compromise as much as your friend, for the good of your friendship.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Reasons Your Mother Is Probably The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have

1. She will always love you more than anyone else.

2. She will always forgive you.

3. She always knows just what to say or do to make you feel better.

4. She will never walk away from you.

5. She is always there for you.

6. She is irreplaceable!

7. She never forgets your birthday!

8. She knows you better than you know yourself.

She dreamed you into life and she knew you before you were born!

9. She is your biggest cheerleader, genuinely invested in your happiness and success.

10. You’re more similar than you like to think. We all turn into our mothers after all!

Happy Mother’s Day to my most missed Friend during this time of social isolation. This post is for you Mumma. (Hint, the post also works if you read it as Ten Reasons Why Your Daughter Is Probably The Best Friend You’ll Ever Have!) Love you

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Tips To Be A Better Friend To Yourself During Social Distancing

1. Go easy on yourself. You can’t be all things to all people. It won’t be possible to work from home, while teaching, cleaning and cooking. Lower your expectations of yourself.

2. Feel whatever you feel, knowing there is no right or wrong way to feel and that these feelings change. You might be loving the change today and hating it tomorrow. Or feeling withdrawn and pessimistic one week but happy and social the next, and stressed out after that. There is no right answer.

3. Try to indulge yourself in something that makes you happy everyday. Maybe it is ice cream, or binge watching Netflix or a 4 hour phone call to your mum or a comedy special a day. Whatever makes you feel a bit more positive and distracts you.

4. Get Takeaway if you can, guilt free. The businesses need the money and you need a break from cooking and to spoil yourself.

5. Do something physical each day. Get your endorphins pumping, get your steps in, play back yard cricket. Whatever it takes to get you outside and moving even if it is only in your back yard.

Stress relief, everybody wins!

6. Do something relaxing/pampering each day. Read a book, do an at home beauty treatment, watch your favourite movie, meditate or have a quiet coffee or wine alone wherever you can find a space.

7. Journal. Keep notes of how you are feeling and be honest about it. This will be interesting for you and others in the future to reflect back on this part of history. Include the pros and cons of your situation, and the daily practicalities that may be interesting to reflect back on in years to come. Small details likely to be forgotten once this is all over.

8. Think of things you like to do for entertainment and find ways to recreate them at home. If you like to have cocktails at the club on the weekends, mix up a few at home and put the radio on. If you like to go to the cinema, grab some popcorn and turn off the lights with a film. If you like to have dinner with your friends, make a time to video call with them all as you sit down to eat. Play games. Together, and alone. Video games, board games, on your phone, virtually with friends. Keep your mind active and your social skills functioning?

9. Make new goals. Some of your life goals may need to go on hold or relax a little right now. But it doesn’t mean you can’t set other goals. Finish a jigsaw, sort out the linen closet or write your book. Humans do well when we have things to strive towards, however small, and enjoy a sense of accomplishment and control in chaos.

10. Be kind to yourself.

There is no right or wrong ways to handle this. There is no right amount to keep in touch with others or to eat or to exercise. These are just suggestions of ways to keep your mental health strong. If you are really struggling then make sure you utilise all the mental health services currently available to you. 


❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Why new mums especially need friends!

Reflecting back on my friendship journey, I think it all started to change specifically when I had my firstborn. Until then the familial roles cast upon me were secondary to being myself. I could be a daughter, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, a niece and a grand-daughter, whilst also being myself. Sure, within those roles were some heavy expectations and pressures, which is why many of us turn to friendships to begin with. Friends love us as we are without much thought for who we become, and without much pressure to be anything or anyone we aren’t.

I had typically intense friendships in my teenage years, followed by juggling those friendships with my work/partner/study as I matured, adding and subtracting a few along the way. What I valued about friendships, was that they were in so many ways, the best parts of other important relationships without the element of pressure. Family loves you unconditionally perhaps, however with that comes certain pressures and expectations meaning you’re not always free to be your true self. Partners love you beyond friendship, but with that comes the pressures of managing finances, physical intimacy and extended or blending families.

Friends are the people who like you just as you are. They choose to spend time with you for enjoyment and support, not because they have to, but because they want to. Friends are often the people who know the most about your truest self, and the ones who have no expectations of who you will become, just enjoying and embracing who you are. They are also the people who remember who you were.

Never has this felt more important than when I had my firstborn. I walked into that hospital as myself, and I walked out as someone’s mother. The identity shift was huge and immediate. A few years later I married and lost not only my name, but also gained another new identity as wife. While I was prepared, as much as anyone could be at 26, for sleepless nights and being dictated to by a small being that appeared to scream at me all day in some language I did not yet understand but was going to need to learn quickly, what I was not prepared for was the complete loss of myself.
I had my daughter at that same hospital less than a year after my wedding. I looked for my identity, thinking I may have left it behind a chair or something, but it felt I had lost even more upon leaving again as a wife and mother of 2!

I was the first of my friend group to start having babies. I was fortunate enough that they were all excited and supportive of me, however they would come and visit, filling me in on the gossip of what was happening in their lives, their careers, their relationships and their social calendar. But all they would ask me about was the baby. To be fair, what else did I have to talk about? Although I had planned on returning to work, I was told when the time came that it wasn’t possible to return part time as I had planned, so didn’t end up returning at all. So that was another aspect of my identity I lost.

My friends would assume I was not interested or available for social outings and I found I dropped off the invite list. Most things were not baby friendly, you see. Again, I probably was too tired to go anyway, but it was just another of the ways that myself was being buried under a mountain of the roles that were now weighing me down.

So what I found quite quickly was that I was isolated. I loved hearing from my friends, but I was boring company for them. They would visit then return to their lives and forget about me, stuck with 2 little ones and nobody to talk to. A few years in, my oldest was diagnosed with special needs. Another role to assume. Advocate. Another piece of myself was squeezed out to make room for this.

I joined mothers group. While it was wonderful to be in a room full of women travelling the same path, at many points it was some sort of unspoken competition about which baby met milestones faster and who was the best at assuming this new identity. All talking babies and how much they loved being new mothers.

Was I the only one struggling? I couldn’t even really identify the problem, just that I felt I used to be a human with merit and value and then suddenly almost without warning I had been erased and replaced with a newer model. People no longer asked me how I was, they asked how the baby was. People no longer asked if I had eaten, but only when the baby was fed. I loved my babies and my husband, so why wasn’t this enough?

Then one day, something small but significant happened. One of the mothers’ group ladies invited me to the movies. WITHOUT the babies. I didn’t know this was still allowed? And we had a cocktail first. And we spoke about how hard we were finding this transition, the strains on our relationships, the expectations of family and society and that we missed our freedom.

At that moment I realised that my friends were my lifeline. They were my connection to myself and I needed to spend more time with them! I became intentional about my friendships. I opened up about my struggles. I joined a playgroup and it got me out of the house once a week, making small talk with women who would, in years to come, become very important friends in my life.

I left the kids at home sometimes to be me, to see my friends and to remember, as much as to remind them that I was still a person with my own wants, needs and worth.  That I was still there for them too. That I was still me, and I needed them to help me remember who that is while the rest of the world wanted me to forget. I wasn’t ready to “put my memories of myself in a shoebox on the closet shelf!” Curtis Stigers To Be Loved

Friendships were the answer to my happiness, and without them, even the ones who didn’t make the distance, I wouldn’t be writing this blog today. So thank you to all my friends who saw me through it all, and who keep my foundation of self strong enough that it can hold the weight of all the other roles built upon it, and for helping me patch up cracks along the way instead of pretending we don’t see them crumbling. Your friendship saved me, not just in having you as a friend, but in remembering I could still be one too!

Mothers can’t be the best they can be without first being truly themselves. The cup they pour from must be full in order to nourish their children, and friends are the people with whom we can be fully, selfishly ourselves without guilt. And you can’t put a price on that, although friendships are worth their weight in gold!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When a friend is consistently inconsistent!!

Have you ever had a friendship where it felt like a bit of a rollercoaster ride? The kind where you are best friends one minute, then don’t hear from them again in months? The kind who tells you they value you more than any other friend, then doesn’t treat you in a way that makes the statement feel true?

I am a relatively organised person. I value things like routine and being on time. Consistency helps me feel secure in this world, and inconsistency triggers insecurity. I am going to go ahead and assume that I am not alone in this. So one of the things I struggle with most is inconsistency in my friendships.

It sounds like I am pretty high maintenance, and you know what, maybe I am, but I do like to think that I am worth the extra effort it takes to make sure I know what to expect from people. If you are consistently late or consistently flaky, then I can handle that. I know to keep my investment in you low, make sure I don’t plan super important events with you and realise when you say 6pm you really mean 7pm.

What troubles me is when our intimacy is inconsistent. When sometimes I feel very close to you then suddenly it feels like you are distant and cold emotionally. I know we all withdraw into ourselves at different times for different reasons, however if this becomes your pattern, I begin to feel punished, used and disposable.

I notice if you are super close with me the same month you break up with someone, and then suddenly become avoidant when you get back together. I notice if I find out some important information through the grapevine that I thought you would have told me yourself, before you told the person I heard it from. I notice when you tell me I am your best friend, then leave my message unread  or unanswered for 3 days. (And yes, I did see you were active when I sent it.) I notice if you told me you were working that day to cancel plans with me then later mention that you actually went shopping with someone else. I notice how sweet you are before you ask me for a favour, and how quickly you disappear again after expressing your unending gratitude for my services. I notice when I nurse you through a break up and you reply dismissively to my own relationship concerns.

I value intimacy, basically, and I notice when it isn’t reciprocated in little ways, and the things that people put in place to block intimacy. As I already mentioned, I know we all have days/times even when we need to block out the world and focus on ourselves, to recharge, and only have enough energy to deal with the most urgent things around us. A broadcast isn’t always necessary, and I will do my best to deal with my insecurities alone and remind myself that the whole premise of this blog is basically “calm down, it isn’t about you.” This is true.

Yet time and time again I find myself with people who seem to yo-yo on how much they value my time and attention. I know in some cases, maybe even most of them, circumstances play a part. Naturally someone recently single is more available than someone recently coupled up.  So most of the time with these sorts of people, when they are warm it is because of something to do with the other aspects of their lives. If they fell out with someone else, they may be looking for more intimacy. If they are on leave from work they may have more time to fill, for example. Similarly if they just had a baby, they have less time to offer and less emotional capacity because they just took on a higher mental load, or if they have a best friend and I don’t then I might be craving more closeness than they are.

That is all warranted, however, what do you do when someone acts like your best friend one minute, then isn’t reliable when you need a best friend the next? Match their lowest level of investment. Treat this person like a casual friend. Perhaps you have at times shared deep moments and conversations, however that is not the normal for this person and you will be disappointed if you expect it to be.

If you don’t have a low level of investment you will consistently feel rejected each time the cool front returns. It’s not that you can’t enjoy this person for what they offer, you can, but if you expect more than they offer, you will always feel needy, insecure and likely rejected on some level. Awful as it is to admit, we probably all have a ‘sometimes, when I am bored’ friend. If that is true then we are all that person to someone else.  So be aware when it feels inconsistent that probably means you like them more than they like you. Neediness will not make this better.

You like them so you can keep a few eggs in their basket… but don’t put them all in there, and don’t be surprised if the ones you do leave there get broken. It isn’t that your friend doesn’t care about you. I am sure they do, it’s just that they don’t care about the friendship to the same level as you do.

Match their level of indifference and see if they notice.  Sometimes these people don’t even notice how they are treating you and expect you to be available and will be shocked when you are not at their beck and call. Sometimes it earns not only their attention, but their respect.

You teach people how to treat you, so be available and consistent with friends who are the same with you, and accept that your friendship with someone inconsistent is not going to be as close as you hoped unless THEY make the effort. If they want to, they will.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Things that make Friendship Sweeter than Easter and Eggs!

1. You can enjoy them all year round.

2. You don’t (usually) have to share your friends with your kids/colleagues/family.

3. You can celebrate friendship regardless of faith/religion/beliefs.

4. While they are moreish, 1 or 2 (or 5) is plenty.

5. You can have as many as you like, the more you have the healthier you feel!

6. If your friend is a good egg, they are sweet on the inside, but good for you.

7. Friendships have no expiration date. (Not visible ones anyway!)

8. Quality friendships are free, if chosen wisely.

9. Nobody has to pretend to be a rabbit, or anything else that they aren’t! You can just be yourself!

10. Friends can share the chocolate, twice the fun and half the calories!

HAPPY EASTER READERS! HOPE YOU CELEBRATE WITH FRIENDS!

Staying Connected During Social Distancing and Coronavirus!

It can be hard at the best of times to stay connected to those around us in the busy lives we lead, so for those of us already struggling and feeling isolated, it is even more imperative that we find ways to stay connected to each other. For me, quality time and activities together have always been really important aspects of friendship. I need to feel connected to people who show up for me, like literally put in the hours and face time. So social distancing is going to be challenging to endure.

Not only do I like my friends to show up for me, I like to show up for them too. So, for example, when 2 friends and my own son’s birthday plans had to be cancelled in late march, I really felt sad and disconnected and like I had let my people down. It left me unable to visit, nowhere to suggest as an alternative catch up and no means to give my friends their gifts, which is one of the ways I show love.

I know this too shall pass, and when it does, we will celebrate the freedoms to socialise. We can celebrate all the missed events, our good health and pay our respects, and offer our warm condolences to family and friends of those who didn’t survive the virus. We can and will rebuild after we reassess what was worth rebuilding and make way for new things we discover on this journey off the beaten track. However, we don’t yet know when that will be. And until then, it is going to be harder to feel connected, to show up and to feel people are showing up for you.

Friendship isn’t a top priority for most of us at the best of times, so it is understandable that right now the world and the individuals in it appear to have more pressing matters on their mind. That said, we are all feeling the stress, anxiety, worry and personal implications. People are losing jobs, incomes, homes, lives, holidays and routines. And we need to come together, while staying apart, to get through this.

I personally have never been so interested in the news and talked so much politics with my friends. We have reached out to talk about our fears, stresses, and anxieties and share the latest things we have been reading and seeing in the world around us. We are reaching out every few days, if not daily and showing people more connectedness (there I go making up words again?!) than we otherwise would. We are doing our best to comfort and support each other as much as we are seeking that same connection and support! A few of my friendships that were starting to feel a little bit stale have been refreshed as we remember that we need each other.

Added to that as many parts of the country, and the world start systematically shutting down, we are finally finding we actually do have more time to remember to reach out to our friends. To reconnect and reassess why we didn’t make time to do so before? There are so many ways to keep in touch when you are apart.  From snail mail, to emails, to phone calls, to instant messages and video calls. We all know HOW to stay in touch, and hopefully we will still make even more effort to be there when we cannot be there.

But the thing I have found most comforting has been an unofficial thing I have been doing with some friends where we send each other something every day that made us smile. The funniest misunderstood song lyrics clip, or a funny meme, or a picture of our kid or our pet. An inspirational message or a one liner about social distance.

This is an unprecedented situation that threatens to tear us apart. But we cannot let that happen. United we must stand, through the good, the bad and the ugly. We must learn from each other, encourage and support each other and try to bring as much positivity to each other as we can. Sometimes that means listening and validating someone’s fears and struggles, and sometimes it means letting someone know you’re thinking of them.

Letting your front line friends know that you are grateful for the work they are doing, but making sure they are coping ok. Letting your friend who lost their job know that you will be there to help them rebuild on the other side. Letting your parents know you miss them and haven’t forgotten about them. And sometimes it means providing a distraction by talking about irrelevant things, uplifting things or silly things.

All the politicians are concerned about the economy, warranted or not, so that leaves it up to us to be concerned for each other.

Keep smiling and keep your people smiling as much as you can. Stay strong, and as much as you can, stay connected. And make a promise to yourself to stay just as connected when this is all over!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When does a break, become a break UP?

We all need space from time to time. Either in general or from one person specifically. When it is the latter, this often comes after an intense period of closeness which may be considered “too close for comfort,” or from a fall out of some description.

I know I have used “space” in the past to avoid conflict and hope it would go away. To feel my anger, hurt and sadness until they pass to the point that I just miss that person and want to see them again. To process whatever did, or even did not happen and how I feel about it, how I choose to view it, and if I can justify it somehow for myself. It might not sound great on paper, but honestly it works a lot of the time.

I have also been on the receiving end of the space, taken by a friend, for reasons I will probably never know. It’s a funny thing though, this silence from people is felt, it screams loudly, although is generally not acknowledged. You know you are on the receiving end of space, when you are justifying to yourself how someone else spends their time, and what else they have going on right now.

Example “Jayne didn’t call this week, that’s odd. I usually always hear from her. Did I say or do something upsetting last time we spoke? No, I am sure she is just busy, she did have that triathlon coming up so she is probably just training and focussing on that? I hope I haven’t upset her?!..... Then Jayne finally calls and either neither of you mention her hiatus, or alternatively, Jayne says “I’m sorry I didn’t call last week, I have been so busy.” You smile and say casually “That’s ok, I was also really busy last week!” (Busy trying to figure out if Jayne was mad at you! Without asking her of course!)

Things like this happen all the time. Jayne took a break to calm herself and then it all blew over nicely. Unless, this happens, on either end so frequently that one of you decides to label the space, and asks to take a break from your friendship, by taking some space from each other. Then it is usually pretty clear that there is an issue, even if one of you doesn’t exactly know what it is.

If one of you has asked to take some space from the other, it is highly likely a palpable and prolonged silence will ensue. And even if feelings do resolve, this silence can become incredibly difficult to overcome. Someone has to go first. Who goes first and what do they say? Going back to my example, if Jayne asked me for space, I wont feel welcome to reach out to Jayne. That disrespects her request, and assumes she is ready at the same point as me. However if Jayne has asked for space, she too may find it difficult to reach out. Should she apologise for taking space although she believes you did something to warrant it? Does Jayne even want the space to end?

And that is where the lines get blurry between taking a break, and breaking up. This can be true if you talk about it or not. Sometimes these breaks that become break ups are completely unspoken and you might not realise until you are quite a way into it that it is even happening. If you only ever spoke to Jayne once a month, you could be 3 months in to her silence before you hear it, but once you do hear it, it quickly becomes all you can hear. Even if you reach out yourself in this instance, an un-returned phone call or ignored message is not easily forgotten.

Even if the feeling is mutual, on some level you are aware that you are fading out of one another’s lives, or actively letting go of someone who is leaving just by saying nothing of their absence.

So how do you know if your friendship is on a break, or broken? The truth is, that if nobody says anything, then that is when a break becomes a break up. One of you has to have the courage to reach out. If you’re reading this article, then that person is probably you! Sorry! Lol

If the friendship is worth it to you, then you will have to say something and risk rejection. What you say is up to you, and depends on yourself and your friendship. While it has been known to work if both people want it enough, just resuming talking as if nothing ever happened is a risky manoeuvre. It is better pulled off face to face if you happen to spontaneously meet somewhere. However addressing the issue is also not without its risks. It could cause the issue and feelings to resurface, or ultimately your friend could continue ignoring you or officially end the friendship.

As someone who has taken space, had space taken, had friendships survive and had them fail, all I can tell you is that you cannot control the outcome of this. Either your friend wants to continue the relationship or she doesn’t. There is only one way to find out, and if you are googling it, then it is an answer you seek. If your friendship is worth it, you have to say something and show your friend she is worth the risk regardless of who initiated space or why.

If you’re hoping your break doesn’t become a break UP, then you have to break the silence. Ice breaking suggestions include, from least risky to most, sending a cute or funny meme, sending a message saying “thinking of you” or “hi, how are you?” sending flowers and an apology, even if it is just the word sorry. Suggesting an activity to do together, calling and asking directly if you can talk (make sure some space has passed to respect their request for time to process their thoughts and feelings) or showing up to their place and asking to hug it out because you can’t live without them one second longer.

I have learned that if you don’t want to lose someone, you have to let them know, because if you don’t then it feels a lot to them like letting go! (To be clear if they reject your advances, letting go is the only option, but you can do so with peace in your heart that you tried.)

GOOD LUCK!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The friend who tells you how you feel

Let me start by saying, don’t be that friend!!! Our friends are well meaning, or at least we hope they are. Occasionally they may get us wrong. They may assume we are torn up about our marriage break up even though we actually feel relief, or they may think we are angry with them when in reality we just haven’t had a chance to respond to their message yet.  This happens, but with simple communication, these blunders are easily cleared up.

However sometimes we meet someone who seems to insist on telling us how we feel. It may be in small ways, like debating with you if you say you aren’t hungry. “What? You haven’t eaten since we got here, we have been here all day? You MUST be hungry?” And so you go and eat because it seems important to your friend, who probably is hungry and doesn’t want to eat alone. Or it may be in bigger ways like when you express how tired you are because you were up with the baby all night and your friend proceeds to tell you that you actually have depression.

Look, I’m not an expert, if you think maybe you might have depression, then see your doctor about it, but it is possible to just be tired, like you said you were, whether or not you feel depressed! I know from experience how that can affect you. I wasn’t depressed until you said I was, hearing that was depressing!  Another example might be when you say you feel fat, for example and your friend pipes up to reassure you that you are not fat! Regardless of your size, you weren’t actually talking about the facts, you were talking about how you feel.

On the one hand, I get it. Empathy requires us to tune in to those around us and feel with them. Put ourselves in their position and feel for ourselves as they might feel. It is a beautiful thing to empathise, and important too. However, we are all individuals so how we feel and respond to certain things might not be how our friend does. Guessing is sometimes the best we can do, if a friend isn’t really talking….. but if she is telling us how she feels, who are we to correct her?

Telling someone how they feel, even if it is well intentioned, is the best way to get them further away from discussing how they feel?! A big benefit of friendships is expressing and exploring our feelings, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about things. Even if you are concerned your friend is suffering depression, listening to them and coaxing them to draw their own conclusions about how they feel, is much more helpful than telling them.

The truth of the matter is, sometimes we aren’t too sure how we feel, or we have confusing and conflicting emotions about certain things. Certain feelings are harder to admit than others. Some people believe anger is an emotion that should not be felt or expressed, some people struggle to admit when they are struggling emotionally and need help, and some people might struggle to admit how they feel about their partner or their sexuality. I know that when I express myself to people and they tell me I am confused, it is a phase or I will grow out of my own queerness, it is unhelpful and uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. That’s the main reason why people tell you how you feel, because they are uncomfortable with what you have said or what you feel and they don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Alternatively they can’t relate to how you feel and humans like to relate to one another. The other reason they tell you how you feel is because they want you to feel what they feel. They want you to see things their way, which is often so much simpler on the outside looking in, however never as simple when you are in it!

Sometimes out of concern for people, we tell them how they should feel, even if they don’t feel it. We might say we would feel angry if that happened to us, or that they should feel hurt and never trust someone again after a betrayal, or that they should not feel happy in their relationship because we wouldn’t.

The truth is, we never really know how we would feel about any given situation until we are in it, even if we think we know how we would feel. And there is no one way anyone should feel about anything. Feelings are uncomfortable because they aren’t facts. They contradict, change, pass, grow, simmer, explode and wash over us sometimes. And this makes our friends uncomfortable.

To be a good friend, sometimes you have to be uncomfortable with someone’s feelings. Just sit with them and listen. We don’t get to tell people how they feel. But through talking it out, however uncomfortable, we become closer. Essentially we all want to feel heard and validated, but if you are challenging how someone feels, it’s a pretty big sign that you are talking when you should be listening and you aren’t hearing your friend. If that is the case, don’t expect them to hear you either.

So what should you do if your friend tells you how you feel? Ask them if they want to know how you feel about being told how you feel!!! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx