Quality Time With a Busy Bee?

Most of us know someone who keeps themselves so busy they are literally exhausted all of the time. They complain frequently about how much they have to accomplish in a short period of time, always seem stressed, rushed and keep packing more and more into their schedule. They are frequently late or flaky because they always imagine things will take less time than they really do, and they also have trouble saying no.

Clearly these people are popular, as there is unlimited demands on their time. So if you want to steal a moment of their time, it has to be on their terms. And it usually does feel like you are stealing their time, to be honest. They might invite you over for a coffee, and when you arrive they aren’t prepared for your visit. They do make the coffee, however they don’t sit to drink it with you. They are busy rushing around getting ready for their next meeting, doing the dishes, pre preparing dinner and making quick phone calls to confirm appointments. They spend the whole time talking about themselves and how busy they are and all that they have to do, that you feel guilty for even being there despite the fact that they invited you.

This is the friend who always calls you when they are driving. Although the conversation probably will return to them and how busy and stressed they are, this is your best chance of actually telling them about yourself. However usually you can’t help but feel that if you hadn’t of answered they would have called someone else, and actually you often wonder if you were the first person they called? Probably not!

To add insult to injury, this friend often tells you all about their busy and exciting plans with other people. It is lost on them that they are always too busy to give you any quality time, because they are so busy giving it to the people they clearly like more than you. No, they can’t spend money with you as they are saving for the girls trip with work friends next month, or they can’t come to your dinner party because it is date night, but they can maybe come over on their way home from work at 5.30pm on Tuesday, except they need to be home by 6pm as it is a weeknight and they have work to catch up on.  Chances are they will cancel, but if you’re lucky they might ask you to accompany them to do the grocery shopping instead?

If you do manage to convince them to spend some time with you away from all the things that keep their focus elsewhere, you can bet they will spend more than 50% of that time on their phone. Messaging people, sending a quick email, confirming appointments, playing Pokemon Go, or just scrolling social media. Somehow it always seems impossible to capture their attention. No matter the quantity of the time they give you, the quality is always lacking.

This can be annoying at best, and crushing at worst if you take it personally and decide that your friend really doesn’t value you. Having a friend like this can be draining as you can start to feel it is one sided. Sometimes you look forward to any time they can offer you, however often walk away disappointed and eventually stop enjoying the friendship. You will probably feel reluctant to discuss it because they are already so stressed and appear to hold you at a distance as it is, so bringing up your need for time, the one thing they can’t offer, seems risky.

I have a friend like this, so I decided to ask her about it. Her response was interesting and not really what I had expected. Have you heard the Alanis Morissette song “All I really want”
“Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're going to die?
Or did you long for the next distraction?”

Basically my friend said she keeps busy in many ways not to avoid me or her other friends, but more so to avoid herself. Keeping busy is a mental health strategy for her, a coping mechanism of sorts, to stop her from over thinking. To stop her falling into the silence. Low self esteem and self worth has her believing she has to be all things to all people and that nobody would care to spend more than an hour with her anyway. It’s a way of avoiding rejection and pain. She also speculated that she may have undiagnosed ADHD. I do wonder…. Lol

My friend feels she needs to always be doing something to justify her worth in this world. The more helpful you are, the more people value you. The more she achieves the more accomplished she feels. She seemed oblivious to the fact that her actions were actually sometimes hurting the people she was trying to impress. She was aware though that she often ended up letting people down by over scheduling herself and always being late and needing to leave early so she could repeat the process for the next person.

Although she uses this as a mental health strategy she was also able to articulate that it leaves her exhausted and drained too and feels like mentally she never stops. She seemed to be afraid that if she stopped, nobody would notice or care. And when she does finally start unwinding, being on her phone is a way to relax. Even if she is still planning her next move, she isn’t as stressed once it is arranged.

She said I need to look at it differently. She said I should feel happy that she is comfortable enough with me to be completely herself. To let me see her in her pyjamas in her messy house as she prepares for the day. That it is a compliment that I am on the list of people she calls in the car when she finally gets a moment to herself. That the silences between us aren’t awkward if she is on her phone in my company.

You know what? I see her point and I am sad for her that she feels the need to keep so busy to distract herself from pain and emptiness inside. I’d much rather talk about it than avoid it. And I am so grateful that she opened up enough to explain it to me her way without getting mad or defensive. I guess we are different in that way – I like to talk things out, whereas she prefers to ignore it. Neither provides a solution, both are just how we deal with things.

The problem seems to be that I don’t feel valued when she doesn’t make time to listen to me I suppose. Talking is how I connect emotionally and when conversation is lacking, surface level, consistently interrupted or no space is made for me to talk about myself, I feel disconnected. Because of the way I am, I don’t like to call her and say “I need to talk” but she says if I did that, she would make the time to listen.

What I have learned with this friend is just to take what she offers me with gratitude. Not to take it personally and to ask for her attention when I need it. Not to criticise her, by saying “You’re not paying attention to me.” But just to say “Hey, can you sit down for a minute, I need to talk about this.” I also take it upon myself to plan fun things for us as quality time. Not to talk or to keep busy, a way we can both unwind. I am forgiving when she is on her phone, and she puts up with my occasional neediness. Compromise.

I can look forward to her calls, but I can also ignore them if I’d rather do something more enjoyable than fill her space. She wont take it personally. Lucky she’s not my only friend. But also lucky that she is my friend.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to make a meaningful apology in 10 simple steps.

Ok, so we all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect and it is totally ok to admit that you were wrong and you hurt someone. However there is an art to an apology, which makes it meaningful to the wronged party. So if you’ve screwed up, here’s the best thing you can do.

Step 1.

Don’t be angry. Calm down. A curious thing happens when someone is angry with us…. we often get angry in return. Let that pass then actually say the words I’m sorry. Repeat back to the person exactly what you are sorry about, so that they know that you understand where the hurt is coming from and you care enough to acknowledge what you have done. (Or haven’t done as the case may be. Or said, or didn’t say… you get my drift.) This process is about validating how someone feels about your words or actions and acknowledging the consequences for them.  Just “I’m sorry.” Or “I’m sorry, but…” or even “I’m sorry you feel that way” usually wont suffice – as they don’t feel genuine, meaningful and like you really “get it!”

Step 2.

Don’t be defensive. If you must try and explain your behaviour, do not make excuses for it. Explain your reasons for acting as you did, without appearing to justify yourself. This can be extremely tricky to do, so take care here. Less is more. Remember this conversation isn’t about you, it’s about how your actions have hurt someone else. There may be time in the future to more calmly discuss this situation and everything that was happening for you. However asking someone to be understanding when they are still angry is usually asking for too much.

Step 3.

Do not blame the wronged party. We are all accountable for our own actions. Even if they provoked you in some way or there was something they did that you feel was worse than what you did, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, do not fight fire with fire. Water is usually most effective, and that means taking accountability for yourself. Accepting blame. We cannot force people to take accountability for themselves. Apologies have to be given sincerely, and under the circumstances, if someone is mad at you, even if they do owe you an apology too, if you come in with a defensive or attack approach, you’re unlikely to get it. I’ve written about that before on “Accepting an apology when you’re still mad.” Remember an apology isn’t something you are owed. It doesn’t work that way. If the person isn’t sorry then an apology is meaningless anyway. The point is, you did something wrong, you accept you’re at fault and you apologise.

Step 4.

Explain what you would like to see happen in the future. How you could face the issues differently, with this person, or with other people in the future. If you would like to salvage the friendship, then be clear about that, and offer suggestions as ways to move the friendship forwards if and when the other party is ready to do so. Failing that, if you’re stumped, ask them directly how you can make it up to them or what they need to see from you in the future.

Step 5

This step is important. It might be the hardest step…. Accept that sometimes sorry just isn’t enough. Forgiveness is something you can ask for, but not always something you can expect. You cannot control the outcome of this. The person might still be angry and hurt, and they may still end your friendship in extreme cases. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a moment where you stand to face hurt and rejection, but I promise you, if you apologise, you will always be able to look back and feel that at least you tried, and you handled things as best you could. Let’s be honest, poor choices got you here, so don’t follow it up with more poor choices. Don’t be mad if the person cannot accept your apology. Maybe they didn’t fully understand your perspective, or maybe it was too little too late. If it’s over then it’s over. Doesn’t mean it has to end badly. An apology as an ending is fairly gentle as far as endings go, right?

Step 6.

If the person cannot accept your apology, give it some time. Do not beg. Do not harass them and keep apologising. Once is enough. The ball is in their court, you have done all you can do. Perhaps when they have had some time to cool down and consider things they will contact you again. Work on being open to that in their absence, but don’t count on it either.

Step 7.

If the person accepts your apology but is still hurt, start small. Rebuilding trust takes time. You cannot bulldoze someone into forgiving you. If they bring it up, each time you can acknowledge the hurt you caused and have a conversation that allows each of you to elaborate on the reasons you behaved the way you have. In theory if you show you understand why the person was hurt, they may be open to understanding things from your perspective too. This is likely if they are interested in salvaging things. Do not get angry each time they bring it up, be open to discussing it until the person has healed. Show compassion.  Prove to them with changed actions and consistency that you will not make the same mistake twice if you get the chance.

Step 8.

Forgive yourself. Although you upset someone else, ultimately it is not their forgiveness you will need moving forwards. Sure, it might be nice, but it isn’t as essential as forgiving yourself. As I said in the beginning of this post, nobody is perfect. Good people make bad choices sometimes. People get hurt. Explore the reasons why you acted the way you did, and reflect on ways you could better act in future. Don’t focus on what the other person did to you, even if they did hurt you, focus on how you can be better. Not for them, but for yourself.  Most of us don’t want to hurt others, so it is upsetting when we do. 

Apologising tends to evoke shame in many of us. As though we are admitting to being a bad person instead of making a bad choice. Ironically the closer we feel to someone, the harder it can be to apologise. This is because we care so much what they think of us, so admitting we let them down can be like admitting we don’t care. The truth is, if you care, you will apologise. People actually think more of a person who can apologise than those who can’t.

The more practice you get at apologising, the easier it will become and the better you will feel about your relationships and yourself. To quote my obscure music again… Jason Donovan ‘Question of Pride’
“Don’t let your pride, stop you from saying sorry. Remember in time, there’s 2 sides to every story.”

Step 9.

Stay strong. Keep smiling and know that you will be ok whatever happens. Let it go. See what happens.

Step 10.

Talk to someone you trust. A friend, a teacher, a parent, a colleague, or psychologist who can help you validate yourself too. Apologising to someone doesn’t always mean they were right even if it means you were wrong. Seeking support is important no matter what side of the equation you find yourself on. You need people around you to remind you that they still see the good in you, even if you made mistakes or exercised poor judgement.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Strength in Vulnerability

The other night, a friend popped in, crawled into bed beside me, curled up and cried as I held her. While I was obviously sad for my friend, and eager to talk out what was upsetting her, I was also happy to be someone she felt safe enough to turn to. It served as yet another bonding moment between us, strengthening our connection. After my friend left though, it left me pondering the thought that perhaps I struggle with vulnerability in my friendships.

Not many of my friends have seen me cry. Even my therapist has only seen it a few times and noted that it appears to make me exceptionally uncomfortable. I suspect being a victim of bullying from a young age has contributed to my strong poker face, added with the sarcastic household in which I was raised. My thick skin helped me survive at time when I felt different and unable to express my emotions for fear of harassment or an untimely “outing”. Lol

However, clearly I am no longer in that situation and perhaps habits collected back then are no longer healthy or serving me, or my friendships, well. Am I still holding on to the belief that my tears will cause my peers a great deal of satisfaction? That they would take pleasure in hurting or humiliating me? If I am, then I need to either take a closer look at who I am surrounding myself with, or, more likely, why I am still keeping people at an emotional distance and not letting them know all of me.

As another friendship recently came to a close, I was able to reflect that while I am comfortable with expressing vulnerability in a positive light, vulnerability in a negative one is something I will hide from at all costs. Example: I have no problem approaching people for friendship. I am unafraid to put myself out there, to express that I like someone, even though there is a big chance that they wont feel the same way in return. However if someone has angered me or hurt me, I am fast to shut down and close off to that person rather than be vulnerable and express my feelings.  It’s an extreme version of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

I hadn’t really stopped to fully contemplate that this sudden silence from me was considered icy cold and hurtful to the other party. This appears to be true regardless of if we have discussed the need for space or not. The one thing I do know about feelings is that they pass. So waiting until the extreme feelings pass before I act, seems logical. Unfortunately sometimes it can take months for that to happen. While I may soften in that time, and be ready to let go of the hurt and continue on, the other person’s hurt and anger have probably been building during that same time.

Having just recaptured a bunch of music from my youth, that my husband refers to as obscure, although I disagree, I was thrilled to turn up the volume on my “Ace Of Base” album in the car. When the song “Don’t Turn Around” came on it stood out to me and I knew I had to post about it here.  You can listen to the song on this link, however I also wanted to capture some of the lyrics for those of you who agree with my husband and have no interest in listening to the song.  

“If you want to leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out that door
See if I care
Go on and go now but

Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking

Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart
That you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know…”

So much of this relates to my experiences. I have a rule that I will not chase people or beg them to stay in my life, so some of those lines really resonate. “If you want to leave, I wont beg you to stay. If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way.” The minute I perceive someone no longer wants to be in my life, I will walk away. I do this because talking about it has never made one iota of difference. Talking about it has always resulted in one of 2 things.

1. The person denies there is any issue. They may list off a host of reasons for their sudden unavailability or lack of interest in engaging, or just deny it all together. Either way this feels a lot like a mild form of “gaslighting” whereby the other person makes you question your perception or denies reality. They tell you everything is fine when you can feel that everything is not fine. Or….

2. They tell you there is a problem. You try to talk it out, but it ends up as a slinging match, both parties are defensive and words are used as weapons. Most times this is unrecoverable.  I assume this is because emotions are still running high on both ends.

I have had success in my previous encounters by allowing enough space to pass that you just miss each other. That it doesn’t matter anymore and you basically start again, and grow a new friendship. Clearly that doesn’t always happen though if one person is healing while the other is hurting. That’s where “If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way” comes in. Because “I’m gonna be strong, I’m gonna be fine” is basically the premise of this blog. I’m going to be fine and you are too. And so are they. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.

The part that really perturbs me though is “See if I care, go on and go now….” Because I do care. And I have to acknowledge that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, so my attitude may well be causing the very endings I am trying to avoid. See if I care…. That’s where the vulnerability comes in. I care. I care so much. I have accepted that people will leave and that it hurts, and I struggle with having the vulnerability to face that pain.

Which brings me nicely to the last part. “Don’t turn around, I don’t want you seeing me cry, just walk away; it’s tearing me apart that you’re leaving…. I’m letting you go, but I won’t let you know.” I go cold and quiet because I’m hurting and I haven’t found the bravery in me to put my pride aside and say that I am hurting. I feel this is because I think I already know the outcome, that more hurtful words will be spoken leading to yet another nasty heartbreak and I’d rather just walk away and not have that conversation.
In this instance at least, I was able to articulate directly, offer my friend some reasons, accept accountability and apologise. Sure, it didn’t change the outcome, the friendship still ended, but I think we both feel ok with the outcome. That is progress.

I still have a ways to go, but I am pleased I have learned to be more direct, to acknowledge that my space was painful and apologise for it. (More on apologies next week.) Next step is to be more direct before the space perhaps.  And to allow my friends to see my pain as it happens….. even if they don’t care. Because my hurt matters just as much as theirs and my friendships could be richer if I allow them to support me the same ways I support them. While they last anyway! Lol

I guess I am learning that friendships end. All the time. Which is totally ok even if it is heartbreaking. I cannot avoid it no matter what I do, so what I must do is learn to get way better at endings instead of hiding from them. I may even get some new beginnings. Who Knows!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Social schedules, and inflexibility.

Life is busy. This much is true, regardless of what your personal version of busy looks like. Some of us are too busy for schedules and routines, while others of us rely on them heavily to organise the chaos. Personally, I fall into the latter category. As my son is autistic, we run our lives with a high degree of predictability, which helps him thrive and feel safe in a world that is at large, fairly unpredictable. I have to admit though, that this works for me too, and I have at times wondered if perhaps autism is something he has inherited from me….

I wonder this because I am the first to admit that I do not like change. I’m not sure any of us really do, it seems part of the human condition that change provokes some level of fear… For me though, even small changes can be unsettling. A change in products stocked at the supermarket for example, will usually lead me into a frantic search for the product I am used to instead of simply accepting the change and trying something new. It has been brought to my attention recently that this inflexibility is crossing over into my social schedule too, and impacting my friendships in harmful ways.

I have always been open about the fact that I seem to keep around 5 close friends in my circle at any one time. Although the names on that list have varied over the years, the schedule has not necessarily varied with it. This has brought some people to question – do I value the schedule more than the friendships that are scheduled? This is worth exploring. Obviously friends are people, with their own lives, circumstances, wants and needs, all of which are prone to change over time, and all of which can impact their desire or availability for social activity. Therefore it stands to reason that being inflexible with my own schedule could write some friendships out of my life, albeit unintentionally. 

As I am a stay at home parent, with school aged children, I make no apologies for the fact that those 6 hours a day when the kids are in school is my prime social time. It makes sense. My children have appointments and activities every day after school, and my husband works long hours. In the evenings is the only time we have to connect with each other. Weekends he works, and I get the house jobs and writing done. I could potentially socialise here, but this is the time when most of my friends are connecting with their own partners and extended family, so their availability for social time is limited then. In an ideal world for me, none of the 5 women would work, and they’d be available one day a week during school hours! Lol

Obviously though, that is not the world we live in. My friends do work, see other friends, and they have many appointments and errands to run, so availability, which ties in with convenience as I posted about a few weeks back, isn’t always compatible. Sometimes this impacts my own schedule. I have one friend for example who only has one day off work per week. We agreed to catch up that day, once a fortnight so she could still have the other day to see to other things and people in her life. If someone else asks me for time on that day once a fortnight, chances are I will decline. I already have a commitment to someone on that day, and I can’t move it because she doesn’t have the availability to do so, and seeing her is important to me. She does however have to cancel fairly regularly, which I understand because she is already giving me 50% of her available time. That is a big commitment so it does require me to be flexible. I am. With her anyway.

She is not the only friend with whom I have a standing social arrangement. Some friends I see weekly, others fortnightly, and some monthly. Depends on mutual availability and interest. I also have friends who I know feel repelled and trapped by the idea of a standing commitment like that, and we see each other on a more casual basis. Sometimes I am less close with these friends by default because the consistency in our interactions is lacking. That said, with other people the casual nature of our friendship suits us both because we know we couldn’t actually sustain each other for anything more. The rest may be acquaintances waiting to blossom at a later time into a more meaningful friendship.

I have been criticised for not being flexible though. Some friends would prefer a weekly catch up on a day of their choosing, depending on the week and what else they have going on. While I am willing to admit I prefer to see them on the agreed day, because I like routine, if I can accommodate the request, I will. However If I have committed to a day with someone, generally speaking, I will schedule other things on other days, leaving that agreed space free for them. How that is translating in reality is “I can see you on X day, at X time, no other time.”

This criticism goes both ways, with some people being upset that I cannot offer more or different times, and with other people suggesting they could not offer me less time either. Basically, once you have joined the roster, people feel that they cannot swap shifts, and must show up for a minimum amount of hours per week! So I can definitely see where the critique is coming from. It does feel unfair though. One friend, for example has actually held a different weekly space in my routine on every day of the week over the years, changing each time her life changes. Others have had 3 times a week, and we have pulled it back to one without upset. Some have even opted out of the schedule all together and yet maintained a connection. I can’t possibly be that inflexible? Sure, I don’t like change, but I have no choice but to accept it.

Needless to say, I am very torn by this criticism. On the one hand, of course I want to be more flexible to accommodate the changing needs of my friends, however I also feel that others often don’t value my time. As I don’t work, the common inference here is that I am choosing to be difficult, and could in fact be more flexible because social time is flexible by nature, isn’t it? Sigh. It feels like the insinuation is that I should just wait around for everyone else and not make plans for myself, so I am always available at their convenience.

Both perspectives are valid, so what is the answer? Am I using the schedule to save myself from actually making the effort on a weekly basis? Should I give up the schedule? I think perhaps, we need to discuss the schedule more regularly and openly, to make sure it still works for us both, rather than it lingering like a stale gym membership you see no way of cancelling.  If the schedule is mine, I should take it upon myself to discuss it every few months with the people involved. I have definitely even been trapped by the schedule at times, so I am open to discussing the ways it can start to feel like “a rut.” I have lost friends who wanted more time, who wanted less time and friends who wanted different times that I just couldn’t accommodate….. So if the schedule itself is the issue….

I will experiment with more casual arrangements. With the new members of the circle, I will endeavour to try and arrange to see them once a month or so, by planning ahead, and conversing with them each time, while being less rigid on the times and places. I will report back on the findings of this mini social experiment and see if I am able to reach a higher level of connection without the schedule, and if I was able to maintain the effort over a sustained period. Of course it is not lost on me that my friends could also make the effort…. I hope they will… I mightn’t be the only one relying on it too heavily! Lol

Wish me luck!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Schedule time together, formally or casually, just make sure you do it.

5 steps to stop negativity draining your friendship

Last week I posted about my tendency to dwell on the negatives and the impact this has had on some of my friends and subsequently, our friendships. Most other articles out there focus on how the depleted friend can handle the toxic energy from us negative nellies! So this week I wanted to write one for the pessimists and how you can navigate friendships with optimists, empaths, introverted introverts and or anyone you think maybe doesn’t like you that much even if you’re not sure why.

Step 1.

Before each meeting with a friend, think of 3 positive things you would like bring up in conversation. Doesn’t matter how big or small. Examples could be a fabulous cheesecake you tasted the other day, a great book you read or movie you saw, a happy story you read in a magazine, something you accomplished or a goal you are close to achieving, or anything that made you happy.

While I refuse to accept that we shouldn’t feel free to speak about the issues in our lives; the dark times, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, trials and tribulations, I actually think it is probably a good idea to make the conversations more balanced and apply mindfulness to being more positive.

Step 2.

Hear yourself speaking and pay attention to your audience. If your friend appears to be changing the subject, zoning out or becoming frustrated, redirect the conversation to them. Maybe they are having trouble listening because they have something they need to share? Or maybe you have complained about the same issue too many times, and your friend is tired of hearing it. Especially if you are not going to do anything to rectify things. Or maybe they just needed to keep it light today because they are stressed and can’t take anything more on board. The reason doesn’t matter as much as the solution.

Some of the best people in this world are empaths. These people absorb the energy of people around them. If the checkout girl was having a bad day and then someone pulled a finger sign at them in traffic and they walked past a homeless person on the way to meet you, they might already be emotionally exhausted by the time you meet up. Be sensitive to this and try not to add to their stress. Humour is always a good fallback option. If you don’t have anything positive to say, say something funny!

Step 3.

Shut up and listen. It’s the strangest thing sometimes. I don’t know how the dynamics of a relationship are set early on, but I definitely have friendships with defined roles. Some that I talk so much the other person can hardly get a word in edge ways, and others where I basically just listen, only uttering the odd phrase to reiterate that I am hearing my friend. If your friend seems unhappy with your dynamics, make efforts to change them. Encourage them to open up more by showing interest in their life, their hobbies, their thoughts and feelings. And if they can talk about the positive things and make meaningful and lasting conversation from it, take notes!

It’s important to be aware of our own shortcomings and take the feedback of our peers. It doesn’t make either of you right or wrong, or better or worse, just different. You both have things you could learn from one another.

Step 4.

Be aware of their circumstances. If your friend is planning her wedding, perhaps she’s not the best person to talk to incessantly about your divorce. Or if you are both online dating, but your inbox is flooded with more interest than you can handle, while hers is still empty, she’s probably not going to be able to be objectively sympathetic to your genuine stress. In some circumstances it may even feel as if you are actually gloating through your complaints.  If your friend starts the conversation by sharing news of her big promotion – she is setting the tone for a celebration. That is not the time to complain about your hair dresser. If it’s not important, it can wait.

Minor example of different circumstances: I might say that I am annoyed that they changed the layout of the local supermarket, and my friend may quip that this is a good thing because it allows you to see all sorts of products you missed before. Circumstances dictate our perspective. I usually have 2 boisterous children running around with me when I do the shopping and I also spend a small fortune feeding us already. My son will only eat very specific products and foods and I knew where they were before. I don’t need new products as much as I need a streamlined shopping experience. My friend might be single and only shopping for herself, and she loves cooking and trying new recipes. Neither is wrong, because feelings aren’t facts. I may in time learn to love the new shop layout much better than before, but I am still allowed to be annoyed by the change just as she is allowed to be excited by it. Both are valid.

Step 5.

Acceptance. Some people aren’t happy unless they have something to complain about. Maybe that is me. Maybe that is because complaining has been an effective method of sharing that has fostered close relationships in my life and I like it that way. The negatives in life are interesting to me. That is ok. Other people aren’t happy unless they have measurable happiness in their life. My mother in law recently quipped how happy she was to get some time to work in the garden. Conversation and connection isn’t as important to her as getting happiness from nature and animals and spending time on her own. As she works long hours running her own business, she doesn’t get much free time, so spending it in the garden will make her happier than listening to me complain or than complaining to me ever will.

I will never be close with everyone I meet. Closeness looks and feels different for everyone, and I just have to accept people the way they are and hope they do the same for me. Some personality types just aren’t as compatible as others. Just because a friendship isn’t as close doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. Balance is everything. Positivity in someone’s negative moment can be just as damaging as negativity in a positive one, as explored in this article published online at www.purewow.com on 3rd September 2019 written by Carolyn Kuang-Chen Stanley, titled  “There is such a thing as toxic positivity (and you might be guilty of it.)”

If you can foster ways to be more positive with people, perhaps you will find them even more enjoyable. Personally speaking, I do have some friendships whereby I don’t hear much from them unless things aren’t going well. It would certainly be good to rectify that by learning to be more positive and seek each other out for fun and not just connection and support.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can 2 negatives create a positive? Navigating and understanding negative nellies.

I am the first to admit I’m a bit of a pessimist, although I like to joke that I am just a realist in a bad mood. Lol I don’t know if I come from a long line of pessimists, or if it just so happens that my parents were both pessimists and growing up in that environment impacted my social development. Regardless it seems inevitable that I would be this way inclined, if all women turn into their mothers eventually anyway, right?

To be fair, my mother is a social woman and growing up, I saw how her friendships made her happy and how much time and attention she gave them. I remember quietly listening to snippets of their conversations, always hoping they’d be talking about me I suppose. I’m not sure what I expected to hear, but unless my mother was talking about how messy I was, which she frequently did, the conversations seemed dull.

Not because they weren’t enjoying one another’s company, they were. I just couldn’t figure out why you would rather complain about your run in with the grocery store about incorrect prices or how you couldn’t lose weight than have fun and play! By all accounts, my mother and her friends appeared to be smiling and laughing much of the time, but I suppose I found it sad that their day to day lives were really all they had to entertain themselves. I vowed never to grow up and to always be messy.

I am indeed still messy, however I almost remember the day I grew up specifically. I had always liked flipping around on the parallel bars, the monkey bars, the climbing frames and the chin up bars in the playground. Then one morning, I just couldn’t flip. I was filled with fear that I would hurt myself. From that day on, my friends and I didn’t venture to the playground anymore. Instead, we sat around chatting. I explain to my daughter now that this is sometimes how adults play and she looks at me with the same confusion and pity in her expression as I used with my own mother. You’ll understand one day, I tell her, but I hope it isn’t any day soon.

If I cast my mind back to those days, our conversations were about crushes, what teacher was unfair to us, what new ways our parents had annoyed us and what we were going to do on the weekend. Over the years those conversations grew to include dating disaters, relationship woes, moaning about study, the impossible task of living with almost no money, employment stresses, health complaints, weight and body issues, family problems….. and the list goes on. While the people I have shared with have definitely continued to change over time, the topics haven’t changed that much.

I know I have at least one person in my life who finds my negativity draining. Probably more. I am not unaware of the issue, I just wanted to contemplate how it became this way and if indeed it is an issue. I have so much in my life to be happy about, honestly. As a matter of fact, and I am sure my mother would agree, despite my complaining about the day to day issues I face, I have always chosen to live my life in whatever way makes me happy.

I have a wonderful husband who adores me, and works insanely hard to support us. I am lucky enough to have the luxury to have the option to stay home and write instead of working in paid endeavors. We take fantastic overseas holidays usually at least once a year. I can buy whatever I need. I have 2 great kids, and I didn’t have trouble conceiving. I enjoy an active social life, have time to read and relax. I am close to my family and enjoy time with them. I have wonderful friends who I can laugh and cry with. In short I have happily ever after.

I’d like to point out that the last paragraph feels like bragging. Sorry. That’s the first reason I don’t talk too much about the good things. Added to that, “happily ever after” is where the story ends… because it’s just not that interesting! Seriously. How can I really elaborate that into a meaningful conversation with someone?  I have always craved deeper connections with people, and those are not, in my experiences anyway, brought on from talking about life’s pleasantries.

Rightly or wrongly, most of the strong connections in my life have come from being there for each other in darker times. From vulnerability, which often hides from the light of day. Someone might be discussing something positive, like their hopes to start a business, but they also need to feel free to talk about their fears in relation to that too, or the conversation is incomplete and less authentic. When I worked in customer service, we always talked about pleasantries with customers. The weather, exciting upcoming plans or celebrations, compliments and well wishes. Those conversations left everyone feeling good momentarily, but rarely lasted more than 5 minutes and did not form any meaningful connections. While I had regulars who would rather line up for my smiley service than go to a faster less chatty server, the constant need to be cheerful really left me drained by the end of the day. What I really wanted to say was that my shoulder burned the way it always did after 10 hours of standing behind a checkout scanning people’s groceries, and my feet hurt, and I was hungry, if anyone cared. They didn’t. It wasn’t their job to care.

Talking about positive things is easy, but unless you delve into darker territory, I’m not convinced connections will form. Sure maybe you start by discussing your annoyance about the parking situation at the local shops, and your friend gets to see some of your unfiltered thoughts. The freer you feel to be your unfiltered self with someone, the closer you will feel to them. Added to that, you will feel like they truly know you, which adds meaning to your connection.

I don’t mean to be negative and draining. I don’t expect my friends to solve my problems, nor do I want it. I am perfectly capable of solving my own problems if I want them solved. I know I can’t solve a friends divorce issues any more than she can solve issues related to the special needs of my son. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t discuss these things and vent our emotions accordingly. If a friend doesn’t know what we are going through then how can they really be here for us?

Anyway, as I touched on earlier, the happy things aren’t always that interesting. I have a happy life, but it is generally uneventful. I spend a fair chunk of my time on my own writing, at appointments for my son during the week, and my husband works weekends, so I am busy entertaining the kids. Almost always by myself. My hobbies include reading and watching movies, having massages and facials, and getting my hair and nails done. These things bring me joy, but they aren’t fantastic as a means of conversation, are they?  So if I am complaining about the service I received, or my struggles with something however big or small, to me, that is a symbol of trust in you and our friendship. That I trust you with how I feel and I feel safe to complain even though objectively I have a happy life with not much to complain about.

The question remains though, how can I stop this negativity from draining my friends…… Stay tuned next week to find out….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Were you missed when you were missed out?

There is nothing quite like the sting of social exclusion. It reeks of school children, and is commonly thought that is where it ends. Which is true…. To a point, assuming you surround yourself with good people. That said, we all understand and accept that nobody is included in anything all of the time, right? Knowing and understanding this universal truth doesn’t always stop the sting or the emotional backlash though, especially when we take it personally.

I have posted before about feeling excluded, and I have posted about unintentionally making a friend feel excluded. My experiences with either are not limited, and neither have my emotional reactions been limited. This depends largely on my expectations and to an extent, my mood I suppose, but I think we can all agree sometimes it is hard not to take it personally. Other times it is easier.  Sometimes it’s a wave of different emotions or a process!

I remember once, years ago now, a colleague had a party at his house, to which all the staff were invited, except me. I had no real relationship with this colleague and no real interest in his party. I had heard people discussing it, and really gave it no thought….. UNTIL, he came to me specifically to apologise for the lack of invitation and pointed out himself that I was the ONLY person not invited! Lol What an odd experience that was!

To give you a little background information, the workplace was largely male dominated. There were only 4 women working in the office, and 3 of them were dating a male member of staff. I wasn’t. So, as he put it to me, that was the reason I wasn’t invited, that the other ladies were only invited because they were partners of his male friends. Fair enough. Whatever. I didn’t want to go to his party anyway. But why come and talk to me about it? If you felt that bad about my exclusion, I wondered, wouldn’t it have been easier just to invite me? You didn’t want me there so badly that an awkward conversation about my exclusion was the best option? Then, it suddenly did seem personal. Even though I genuinely had zero interest in his party before, now I was hurt. Of course, if he had of invited me, (had I chosen to attend, which I would not have anyway) I am sure I would have still felt excluded and known I wasn’t really wanted there.

On the Monday after the party only one person approached me to ask why I wasn’t there, said they missed me and I should have gone. I said I hadn’t been invited, explained the situation about the other ladies dating the men etc… and this person was outraged that this had been said to me, and articulated my own point – why not just invite me? I wont get into this story any further except to say that after that an unlikely friendship developed between me and the person who cared enough to ask after me.

As a different example of feeling excluded, a friend of mine recently travelled overseas for her friends 40th birthday. A group of people were invited, many went. My friend opted to go, however due to work commitments, family commitments and personal circumstance she opted to travel separately from the group and stayed at a different location. On the night she arrived was the party. Despite her best efforts, my friend could not locate the venue. She had her driver for the evening drive around for 2 hours before giving up and going back to the accommodation. She only had WIFI there to communicate with her friends.

She messaged them to let them know she had tried to find the party, however couldn’t spot them, so had gone home and given up. She was disappointed that her friends hadn’t seemed to notice her absence, however they said they were sorry she couldn’t find them, and that they had been close by, but that they understood if she chose not to try again. This is a perfectly reasonable response. However it is not unreasonable for my friend to hope, as in my story above, somebody would miss her and ask after her. A part of her had hoped that they would insist she went to find them, because it wouldn’t be the same without her there. Instead they accepted she wasn’t going without much fuss at all, and she spent the night watching the updates on social media about what a fabulous time everyone was having without her. 

In her absence they have planned another group holiday and the messages and memories about the fabulous time that was had, the in jokes and the photos are still being exchanged and each one feels like a slap in the face. She travelled all the way to another country for them and they couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to include her? Now, my friend is the first to admit, she may have been left feeling this way, even if she were included.

The party was full of drunk women in bikinis, men eating chips and drinking beer, dancing and generally being loud and having fun. Nothing out of the ordinary, except my friend does not have a bikini body, does not drink, currently has a particularly restricted diet due to personal health issues and did not know all the attendees. She does not dance, and would likely have ended up sitting in a corner sipping water and being quietly judged as the uninteresting party pooper. This would not have felt better, or having to be “babysat” by her friend. 

Basically the whole experience left my friend feeling like her existence is a burden to their friendship, and that no matter how much effort she puts in, she will be disappointed with the lack of appreciation or effort in return. This is what exclusion does. It leaves us questioning our worth, and feeling like we have no value. Sadly nobody seems to have reached out to my friend to say they were disappointed she wasn’t there in the end, and are seemingly unaware that including her in conversations about it is adding salt to the wound.

To be fair, this exclusion was not personal. They had a party, they had a great time. This was the whole purpose of the trip. My friends experience was not their responsibility. They went to have a good time, and they had one. But I can still understand the sting my friend is experiencing. She knows it isn’t about her, but that’s what stings. She wanted it to be about her. Just a little bit.

So many times social exclusion happens in minuscule doses like this, and our friends just go along with it and expect us not to say anything. To take it on the chin. Don’t be a drama queen. Don’t make it about you when it wasn’t. Which is much easier to do, if someone tells you afterwards that they noticed you weren’t there and they cared.  Simple really.

Friendship is all about showing people that you care; about them, about their experiences, about their effort, and about your relationship with them. So even if everybody really can’t be included all the time, let the excluded party know that you cared enough to notice and reassure them they were at least valuable enough (to you) to be missed.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When your friend’s partner just isn’t into them.

As I have mentioned here before, quite a few of my friends are currently in the dating world. While I would love to say all of them met that special someone right off the bat and never looked back, sadly this isn’t the case. Actually they have met quite a few potential partners, however somewhere along the line those warm fuzzies inevitably leave them feeling cold.

The thing is, sometimes the signs were there from the beginning and my friends just didn’t see, or maybe didn’t want to see the red flags. I can understand it is terribly hard to accept rejections on this level and it feels really personal. Some friends have almost given up while others insist on analysing it to death to understand what is “wrong” with them that this keeps happening.

Naturally my friends are wonderful people, and there is definitely nothing wrong with any of them! However when I attempt to point out the fact that they overlook things too easily because they are attracted to a person, that they accept less than they deserve and make excuses for their mate,  and that they fail to recognise the signs or truly hear what the other person is telling them, they are not really interested in hearing me either.

A friend might say she was ghosted by someone for example, when in fact it was clear that he had tried to end it several times and she just kept on saying she wanted to make it work. Or she’s shocked to find out he’s not as single as he claimed to be when they first met, even though he ditched her for his “ex” on several occasions. Or she may defiantly claim that she knows that he loves her, even though she is complaining to you about all the behaviour that suggests exactly the opposite.

Sometimes if you actually try and force your friend to hear you or see the truth, because you care about her and you don’t want her to get hurt, she may even shoot the messenger. She may accuse you of being jealous or unsupportive or just too negative. Which, to be fair, may be partially true. Because we love our friends and worry for them, obviously the red flags seem like stop signs to us way before she can read the writing on the wall!

So what’s a girl to do to stop her friend getting hurt? Just be there to pick up the pieces. To listen to her, and encourage her to see the signs in her own time. NOTE I am not talking about abuse, I am talking about when the person they are into just doesn’t seem to be as into them in return. I am learning this lesson by way of experience. When you really like someone, you are inclined to want to believe they like you back, and your brain seems to develop this uncanny ability to see what it wants to see and justify what it can’t ignore.

Your friend isn’t ignoring your advice on purpose. She can’t help it. She want this. She is not ready to accept that the other person doesn’t want it as much as she does, if at all. She’s not interested in what causes her to consistently fall for narcissists for example, partly because she doesn’t want to believe this person might be another one, and partly because she doesn’t care why – really she just wants it to work.

We all fall down the “why me, it’s not fair” rabbit hole from time to time and you have to allow her to do that when it doesn’t work out…. Accept that although she might be asking the question, all she really wants is for you to validate her pain and suffering. Agree with her that it isn’t fair. Assure her it’s their loss. Reassure her there is nothing wrong with her, she is a catch, and never to give up.

Frustrating as it might be sometimes, it’s your job to listen to her Even if she complains about the same things over and over and does nothing to change it. This is her life. You have to let her live it. Let her learn her own lessons and draw her own conclusions when she reaches that enlightenment eventually… if she ever does. I know you want to help her. I know you want to save her. You can’t.

If she has nobody to talk to it will be even worse and more isolating, so just listen. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Ask her how she feels about it and if she says it makes her mad – tell her you should be mad. If it makes her sad tell her you understand why she is sad. If says she is happy, tell her you are happy for her. Just validate her experience. The more you emphasise what she is feeling, the more she might have the courage to act on what she is feeling and walk away from someone who isn’t treating her as she deserves.
 

The most challenging thing I have experienced here is that the other person isn’t validating her emotions. So although she is mad with rights to be mad, they may be telling her she is over reacting. When you are doubting your emotions and their validity it is hard to act on them. So don’t force her into making any decisions, just listen and validate. As often as it takes.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Sinking Frelation-Ship

Frelationships; those meaningful relationships with our friends that fulfil our relationship needs essentially, mist often when we are single. Let’s explore that.

You’re single, but never short of a plus one, and you already know exactly who you will spend your Friday night with. You make a big fuss of holidays and occasions together, say I love you, have sleepovers and talk almost every day. You may even live together. This friend feels more like a soul mate on many levels and you are insanely comfortable with each other and know each other sometimes better than you know yourselves.

Basically you’re in friend love and the only discernible difference in your relationship aside from the label “friendship” is the lack of sexual contact. Usually. It sounds wonderful, because honestly, it is! Many people say that their ideal partner is their best friend and lover all wrapped up in one neat little package. Plus MOST people would agree that given the choice between 2 exclusive categories (if you could only choose one for life) – friend versus lover, that they would choose friendship every time.

In theory this works, and we all live happily ever…. Except that fairy tales are lies. Even though these friends are happy together, chances are they are still searching for romantic love. This can be fun, double dates, helping each other swipe left or right, sharing profiles you think the other would like, and even commiserating over failed dates and ghosting. However, there almost always comes a time when one person finds the love they have been searching for, and happily pursues it.

It doesn’t matter that the 2 of you always did Mexican on Friday nights, it’s a fairly safe bet to say it’ll be tacos for one from now on. Maybe you always went to weddings as each others plus one? Yeah, chances are that wont be happening anymore either. Maybe you used to text all day, but now you only hear from your pal once a week or so – where it feels like she feigns interest in your life for a few minutes before launching into the latest in their relationship?

You’re a good, loyal, loving friend. You’re happy for your friend, and you understand you have to share her now. She has to make time for her partner, you totally get it. You wait it out for a few months. She’ll pop out of that love bubble soon enough, right? But instead she announces they’re moving in together, getting a dog, getting engaged, having a baby, or moving away.

Your friend does feel guilty. She does care. She is well aware that she is shutting you out and turning away from you. You start to question your whole friendship if she could discard you so quickly and seemingly easily. The truth is that you were in a frelationship, and now it’s just a friendship. It’s natural to struggle with this transition as the person discarded and replaced. It’s sad and it hurts. You feel alone. It is ok to be sad.

I posted last week about convenience in friendships. This is the prime example of a convenient friendship. Say for example you and your friend-love both work 9 to 5, and so does her partner….before the partner, you used to have pretty much the same schedule and availability….. but now any time you are free…. The partner is also free and expecting her time and attention. Whereby giving you time and attention before was effortless, now it has become not just an effort, but a struggle. Which feels like the worst part of it all. Why doesn’t she want to make time for you?

Same as the previous post – because she didn’t really have to make time before. It was mutually convenient, and now it isn’t. If your fre-lation-ship is a boat then it’s sinking. If you hold on to it with dear life, you’ll sink with it. You must accept that the dynamics have changed. Your friend will have more time for people it is convenient to see. And she may be making time for other people, other couples for example where she wasn’t before.

Her perspective has changed. Her situation has changed. She has probably changed. Holding on to how it was before is only going to hold you back. It isn’t like that anymore and it probably never will be again. You can still be friends, but it wont feel as safe and secure as it did before. Rest assured – this is a good thing. It will open your horizons to new people and motivate you more in your own life to take your own direction.

It isn’t personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Technically neither did the other party. This doesn’t take away from what you shared together. It could be an ending, or you could adjust and make it a new beginning, by accepting whatever your friend can offer now, and being supportive.

The problem with frelationships is that they tend to have an element of dependence and exclusivity. So if you have a frelationship, and it’s working for you, that’s great. Be happy. For now. Just make sure you do have other friends too. Life boats. No one person is enough to meet all your emotional needs. Not one friend or one lover. Consider what you’d do without your friend and start filling any potential gaps you ,might see, because while no relationship comes with a guarantee, yours is almost certainly temporary.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When it turns out your friendship was more convenient than close.

Sometimes our closest friendships are developed from circumstances of convenience. Think work friends, neighbours, school mums, classmates, gym buddies etc…. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact, I think convenience is probably one of the biggest factors that contribute to building close connections to begin with. If you see someone at regular intervals, consistency and time is mutually invested with minimal extra effort from both parties.

Small talk gradually changes to more meaningful topics, and you slowly open up and connect. You look forward to seeing one another and catching up, until suddenly you realise you really want to extend and grow the friendship outside of the original context and invite them into your personal world, or into a more intimate setting.

While it is fair to say, some friendships don’t survive this phase, because seeing this person in a different context opens you up to seeing different sides of them that were previously hidden, if you’re lucky, it also opens you up to seeing even more awesome sides of them and connecting on more different topics and levels.

If you usually talk at the office, having a drink after work exposes your out of office personality. If you both drink red wine and love dancing, you can expect the sparks to start flying. The more sparks you see, the more integrated you can expect to become into each others personal lives. It is usually easy and wonderful. You live close by, and share similar schedules, which makes effort minimal. If you had to think about it you would probably say that the convenience of your closeness is just an added bonus…. Not the glue that holds the friendship together. It feels true when you say it, doesn’t it? It felt true all the times I said it too, that’s for sure.

However life has this funny way of changing everything. Sometimes slowly and subtly, sometimes suddenly and dramatically. Similar circumstances seldom last forever. If you are both single, one of you will eventually partner. If you are both working in the same place, one of you is likely to be offered a promotion, transfer or alternatively a better offer elsewhere. If you are both childless, one of you is likely to have a child. If you live locally, one of you is likely to move…. Eventually.

And sometimes these changes blindside us completely. Not because we didn’t expect things to change, but we didn’t expect the things that changed to change our friendship. I have a friend experiencing this exact thing right now in a very close and long standing friendship. This friendship has already survived one woman leaving work, getting married and having children, however the bond between the women remained so strong that my friend is actually godmother to her friends children.

My friend has always been supportive of her friend. She has babysat the children often, and made weekly visits to her friend. She has flown overseas for their wedding, and again for a big birthday celebration. Her friend has helped her with hair and makeup for events and always welcomed her into their home and life with her partner and children. The 2 women lived only 10 minutes apart, and my friend always felt welcome to pop in anytime to see them. She felt they were very close friends. And they were.

Notice how I said were. They were. Then her friend moved half an hour away. Where my friend used to feel free to pop over, she didn’t realise that she often did that on her way to and from various errands in the area. If her friend wasn’t home, it didn’t matter. Now it is a 30 minute drive there and back, so it really needs to be a scheduled visit as understandably, she doesn’t wish to spend an hour in the car if her friend isn’t even home. Added to that, if you are doing an hours travel, you don’t really want to pop in for a 10 minute coffee. You need to justify the visit by staying a while. In theory this isn’t an issue because you don’t see each other as frequently as you did before, so increasing the time you do spend should even things out right?

Except, when you have to schedule a visit…. For a start you feel you have to be invited first…. Waiting for that invitation was the first disappointment in a chain of many small things that has led my friend to the crushing conclusion that her and her friend are not as close as she thought after all. To be fair to my friend’s friend….. she has continued to say “ you should have popped over on the weekend, we would have loved to see you.” However that is distinctively different to saying “would you like to come over on Saturday for lunch?”

Now, I can understand both points of view on this subject, but basically, what it appears to boil down to, is that suddenly their friendship is no longer effortless. It is no longer convenient to pop in. Each person has to block out at least half a day to make it worth their while either way. Even if they meet half way, that is still far less convenient than having a friend stop by while you continue preparing the veggies for dinner.

When it comes to putting effort into friendships, this is often where we falter. I have been just as guilty of this as everyone else. So how do we fix it now that we have acknowledged the issue? First off, don’t blame one party or the other for not making the effort. Neither of you really had to before, and now, someone has to go first, right? If you want to save this friendship you have to try. Your friend may or may not come to the party, but at least you can say you tried. If you don’t at least accept that things have changed, and you must change with them, the friendship will fizzle… and the flame may die out totally.

So have a think about how you want to see this friendship unfolding in the future. Do you want to be friends who lunch instead of always going to her place? Do you want to see each other less but call more often? Do you want to do your grocery shopping together? Whatever it is, invite your friend to do that, and see what she says. If it’s not worth the effort to her, maybe you aren’t as close as you thought…. Or you wont continue to be as close.

At the end of the day convenience sparks closeness but it is up to you to fan the flames of friendship to keep it alive, because convenience is almost always temporary, and if you don’t your friendships will be temporary too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When your friend wants ALL of your time and attention to prove your friendship.

When we use terms jealous and possessive, the general assumption is that we are using them in reference to our romantic partner. While these terms have more serious connotations (hopefully) when used in reference to a romantic relationship, they are just as damaging and maybe even more frustrating when we are using them in relation to friendships.

Some people prefer one on one friendships. I totally understand this, because I am one of them. The danger in this tactic however, is only having one friend, or one main friend, and relying too heavily on that friend to meet all of your social and emotional needs. Some singles who fall into this category are the type who are hoping to meet a romantic partner that they consider their best friend and their long-time partner all in one neat package. Meanwhile these types of peoples are prone to, subconsciously, using friendships as sort of stop gap relationships.

If 2 of these people meet and become friends, even platonically, this can actually work. At least for a while, until one of them abandons the other for said love interest anyway. This happens, and it is an issue, but that isn’t the point of this blog. If you’re interested in that, you should read my post about FRelationships, and I’ll write about the ending of one of these soon.

What I am writing about here today though, is when one of these sorts of people befriends someone who isn’t like that. Someone who is very socially active, has many friends, enjoys their time with lots of different people regardless of romantic status. It’s important to point out here that this issue does not rest solely with single people. I have encountered a few partnered women who also require or expect too much from our friendship. It would be fair to say that I have probably been one of these people too, under certain circumstances, so rest assured I do understand it, from BOTH sides.

See, I’m totally credible, right? Lol

What happens when someone who tends to have one main friend befriends someone who has a much wider circle and way of connecting with people, and becomes emotionally invested or attached? The outcome is almost always negative. At first these 2 get along just fine, they like each other and enjoy one another’s company, but slowly, one person will encroach on the other persons space, time and boundaries.

It might start off as innocent enough, albeit annoying tendencies, such as the more intense friend texting (probably having some sort of personal drama or crisis) during a time when the social butterfly is engaging with others. The butterfly will be resentful of this. They told their friend they would be at a party, or busy doing something else during this moment, why are they texting now looking for support? The butterfly tries to be there for the intense friend, but is giving short answers and implying they will chat later. The butterfly is getting more annoyed, and the intense person can pick up on this. They may choose to ignore the signals, over apologise, or even turn to guilt inducing manipulation to keep the focus on themselves. The butterfly will feel guilty and withdraw, eventually neglecting to continue messaging.

I want to be clear that the intense friend probably is not conscious of this, and is not necessarily a bad person. The butterfly, while annoyed, feels terrible about herself for not being a better friend, and this sets up quite an unhealthy pattern for these 2 people. The circumstances in which the situations continue to unfold, tends to be very variable, however the constant is that the intense friend always feels like the butterfly is about to leave them at any minute and this makes them feel terrible about themselves and they cannot understand why, when they is such a good friend, (and they ARE a good friend) their butterfly companion wont just love them back and show her that they matter via time and attention. After all, they reason, if they had an event to attend, butterfly is the first and only person they want to bring with them. Why does butterfly not want to invite them too, or attend their events? Do they not understand friendship? Being there for each other? Inclusivity? Is that too much to ask? Feeling liked instead of like a pebble in someone’s shoe? (That might be an exaggeration, but intense friends are prone to dramatics. Displays of emotion, positive or negative are almost always theatrical and loud in some way.)

The butterfly, on the other hand, feels overwhelmed, like their character is being questioned. They want to prove themselves to be as good a friend as their intense companion, yet they are also facing conflicting feelings of resentment, guilt and a need for freedom which prevents them from actually moving forward. It is actually causing them to be more withdrawn, which will only trigger more neediness from the other party. The butterfly will reason that this is strictly a platonic friendship, that they should be allowed to see other people and not have to justify time away from their friends, regardless of how they spend it.

If you happen to be a male female pair, or if one of you or both of you have inclinations towards the same gender…. Or actually, even if you don’t, it wouldn’t be far fetched for the butterfly to start questioning if the intense party is in love with them. They will feel the need to consistently draw boundaries around this which continues to feel like rejection to the intense friend. Rinse. Repeat.

What happens, essentially is that these 2 people start to need each other, for self validation. Neither feels worthy or like a good person without the other. The intense friend needs to feel needed and wanted by the butterfly and the butterfly needs to prove her worthiness of such time and attention by reciprocating friendship. Interestingly, by this point both of them will be feeling like they wish the other person would just end it, but neither of them feel capable of it, without confirming their worst fears about themselves as people.

So what can you do? If you are the intense friend, take a giant step back. Invest in a few other people. Acknowledge that your friend isn’t your partner, and even if they were, no one person is capable of meeting your every need. It does not mean butterfly does not care about you, just that you are not the centre of their world, and nor should you be. They like you, but probably not as much as you like them. Or they express friendship differently, such as birthday gifts or doing favours. Recognise you are making butterfly feel bad about themselves and make efforts to stop and accept their friendship as best they can offer it. You can only accept this when you have other people to turn to aswell.

If you are the butterfly, please take a moment to acknowledge that your friend just loves you. Thinks you’re so awesome that they want to be around you. That is a compliment, even if you don’t feel exactly the same way in return. Your intense friend wants to feel important in your life, included and wanted there. You can achieve this without giving in to the relentless pressure for more time and attention. They just want to feel secure in your friendship. So make more effort, by inviting them, alone or with others every so often. Sending something that might make them smile. Letting them be one of the first people you tell about certain things, and words of affirmation about how great they are and how much you value them. Explain that you have many friends and you are so glad they are one of them, but that you also need much time to yourself and you hope they wont take it personally.

It wont be easy. It will be worth it. However, don’t think for one second that either of you is a bad person or friend if you can’t achieve this and it has gotten to breaking point. If you need to end it, then do it. Maybe it will be forever or maybe the break will be good and remind you both that you do like each other enough to continue, but not as it was.

Neither of you is right or wrong. All relationships take compromise, which, by definition means neither of you will get exactly what you hoped, but enough that you can agree to understand each other’s view points and accept what each of you can offer the other, however much, or however limited as the case may be.

Like anything though – if it is going to work, you are going to have to stick to your end of the bargain!

Stay Strong!

Remember, most of us are actually more like this, depending on the people and dynamics at play….

Maybe you’ll be on the other side of the story soon enough and then you’ll know how it really feels!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you literally paying the price for friendship?

Have you got a friend who is terrible with money? The kind who is always complaining about having none, then telling you all about the purchases or expenses she didn’t need? Even if she earns a good wage? The kind who “forgets her card” at lunch or “will get you next time” but never does? The kind who suggests an expensive event with you because she knows you will get the tickets and she can pay you back later? If she does.

This friend is usually heaps of fun to spend time with, because she is carefree. She isn’t as concerned with responsibilities as everyone else, and somehow it seems to work out for her. She is usually a pretty good friend, on the surface. She says all the right things, lifts your spirits with her love and adoring words. Most of the time you don’t even mind buying her lunch, even if she did suggest that expensive winery with the $100 lunch special! Ha!

You definitely don’t consider yourself a score keeper, yet you find yourself wondering when the last time she paid for herself was? You don’t want to seem stingy or to embarrass her, but you are starting to feel a little used. You don’t want a confrontation and you don’t even want her to pay for you necessarily, just for herself would be nice.

If this is sounding familiar, chances are you have already tolerated this problem, which has added to the pattern of behaviour. The good news is that you also have the power to change it. If you want to maintain your friendship, without feeling like you are paying for it as such, here are some things you could do.

Enmity - a state or feeling of active opposition or hostility. I didn’t know either! Lol

1. Confront your friend. Tell her before you make plans that you paid the last few times, so it is her turn to pay. If she says she can’t afford it, tell her that is not a problem, you are happy to have lunch in her home, or even just a coffee. Emphasise that it is about the company and the conversation not the food or the finances.

2. If you don’t feel comfortable raising the issue directly, ask your friend if she is struggling financially. If she says she is, assure her that you don’t think less of her for it and thank her for opening herself up to you. If she asks why you asked, just say you have noticed a few little things that made you wonder. Suggest free activities for a while until she gets back on her feet. Anything from a walk in the park, to a visit to a local museum or just a chat on your lounge or hers!

3. Determine how much you are willing to spend and stick to it. Sometimes it’s not about paying for your friend, maybe you really don’t mind that, it’s just getting expensive? Either way, you can be clear with your friend. I’m cutting back on my expenses. I only have $20 left to spend today. You can get creative in looking for 2 for 1 deals, discount coupons or $10 lunch specials. Your friend may even learn a thing or 2 about being more thrifty as an added bonus!

4. Change the timing of your catch up’s. Instead of getting together for lunch, tell your friend you will see her in the afternoon – make it clear it will be after lunch. If she still suggests food, you can tell her to go ahead but you are full from lunch.

5. Start saying no or winding down the amount of time you see her. You don’t have to suddenly end the friendship, just change it. Perhaps you could spend less time in person, but message or call more often? Your weekly lunch could become a monthly after dinner drink, or morning tea?

However you decide to handle this situation, stay strong. You should not be pressured or manipulated to spend money. Friendship should be free, and is it’s own reward. If that isn’t enough for your friend, she’s not a wise investment, emotionally or financially.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Signs that SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

I like to imagine we have all found ourselves in this predicament…. But maybe it’s just me? Lol Either way I have definitely found myself questioning, overthinking, analysing and justifying the words and actions of someone I thought of as a friend, and whether or not they felt the same way about me.

After reading this article on www.sciencealert.com, written by Bec Crew on 01 May 2018, entitled “Only Half Of Your Friends Actually Like You, Science Reveals.” I thought it was time to write a post describing some of the signs I have experienced or friends of mine have experienced that let you know your friend may fall into the half that doesn’t really like you that much. Sigh.

It’s important to note that any one of these signs does not qualify as conclusive proof that your friend doesn’t like you. We all get busy, have stuff going on, withdraw due to stress or drop the friendship ball from time to time. Some of us are flakier than others and show friendships in different ways. But if you recognise most or all of these signs from a particular friend, it may be time to start growing some different connections.

The only other thing I want to add before we go on, is to question yourself too, and make sure your expectations are reasonable. Neediness will make people with healthy boundaries quite uncomfortable, so if you are asking for too much, again, the advice is grow more connections in different directions instead of asking one person to meet ALL your friendship needs. Not meeting one or 2 is not a sign that your friend doesn’t like you, it is a sign you must make new friendships to meet those needs in other ways.

1. She takes DAYS to answer your messages.

So you texted your friend to see if she wants to go to the movies Friday night and she doesn’t get back to you until the Sunday after. She either comes at you with an excuse, or just acts as though it never happened. If she gets back to you at all. The first time it happened you let it go and gave her the benefit of the doubt, but now it seems to be becoming a pattern. You want to believe whatever excuse she gives you because it hurts less than accepting this: She’s just not that into you!

2. You always initiate plans, and she usually cancels them.

If it is starting to feel like you are bothering your friend when you ask for her time and attention, it might be time to accept that she doesn’t want to give you any. Either she is too polite to say no, so she says yes and cancels later, often at the last minute, or she never has any intention of following through. Granted there are people who jam pack their social calendar, agreeing to more than they can actually do, and always letting people down as a consequence. If however it always seems to be you who gets dropped off the list, that tells you everything you need to know.

3. She never makes you a priority.

It doesn’t matter if you just got a promotion at work, had a baby, or broke a leg, you just know that she wont be there for you. She will forget to call, make excuses not to attend the party or the hospital, and will never send a gift or a card. She never checks in just to see how you are, and spends most of the time you do see her spouting on about how busy she is and how much SHE has going on. She expects you to be there for her, but puts no effort in, making you question what you actually get in return for your friendship? She will find another audience, time for you to exit stage left!

4. Your time together is limited.

While she does make the effort to catch up with you once a month or so, it is always somewhere impersonal like a café, and there is always a reason it can only be for an hour or less. She spends the time checking her watch and you feel as if she is relieved when your time together is over. She probably is. This is more common with long term friends who have drifted apart. There is a sense of obligation to keep up your connection, but nobody likes to feel their friendship is obligatory do they?

5. Conversation is strained.

Sure, some people are more private than others, but if it feels like you are interviewing your friend and she is giving one word answers (in person, on the phone or over text/messaging/email) then you are probably not wrong in assuming she is trying to end the conversation. There is, of course, a difference between not wanting to talk about a certain subject, than not wanting to talk to you at all. So if you change the subject and still find your friend seems to be avoiding engaging and continuing the conversation you’d be right in assuming she wants it to end. We all have times we can’t talk right now, but if she always communicates like this with you then I believe she is trying to tell you she doesn’t want to keep communicating with you.

6. Her body language is closed.

Assuming you’re not sitting in the snow, and your friend isn’t autistic, folded arms, lack of eye contact, lack of appropriate facial expressions, or nodding, or being glued to her phone etc… are all signals that your friend is disinterested, and probably not listening to you. Obviously asking if there is something on her mind, would be the first response, however if this pattern of disinterest continues each time you encounter her, and she never remembers anything you spoke about last time, then you have your answer. No she wasn’t listening and no, she probably doesn’t care that much.

7.  They never ask you to do anything, but are always telling you when they do things with others.

Or they forget your birthday, even a big one, yet make a big fuss of another friends birthday, host a party and invite you to it! If every catch up they tell you how much time they have spent with everyone else, what they did to celebrate, what’s happening to whom in their life, but never seem to know what is going on in your life, that is a pretty big clue that they are capable of showing interest in friends… the ones they like anyway!

8. They only talk to you when they want something.

Now I sound disturbingly like my mother, but her point has merit. If you only ever hear from someone when they want something, like babysitting their kid, yet are busy whenever you need a favour, you might well start feeling a little used. While your friends love language may well be acts of service, if she is not speaking to you in your love language then you are within your rights to start declining to help her out much more often. If she just wants a babysitter there are services she can call.

9. They never call, and they never answer when you call.

Ok, I was reluctant to write this one because I don’t much like speaking on the phone. I wouldn’t call it a phobia so much as it just isn’t my preferred contact method. That said I have at least 2 friends who much prefer a call to a text. They do understand that where I can I will text them back if I couldn’t answer… but if I can answer, I will, and if I need to, I will call back. This is even worse if they are always taking their other friends calls when you are with them. There’s no avoiding this one, if someone is always glued to their phone, except when you call, they probably don’t want to talk to you.

10. You just FEEL like they don’t really like you.

Maybe they quite bluntly criticize you, question your character, challenge you, put you down or make jokes at your expense. Perhaps they pressure you or try to change you, or just never seem open and comfortable around you like a guard is always up. Or maybe you can’t quite pinpoint what it is specifically but your gut is telling you that their friendship seems false or fake somehow. Follow your instincts.

Your friend is not a bad person, but you deserve friends who meet your need to feel happy, safe secure, seen, heard and valued. If you are left questioning these things, get out there and see who else could fill the gaps! I don’t recommend having a conversation with your friend about this, as you meet new people you will genuinely pull back from these friendships naturally. If they want you in their life, they will notice your absence and do something to change it.

If people don’t want to be your friend, you can’t force it, but on the bright side, when someone does want to be your friend, when they do like you, you JUST know!! Honestly. If you don’t know, that might be your answer! Sorry!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t waste time worrying about this. Go find friends that like you just the way you are!

Children’s changing companions

A few years ago, back in January 2017, I wrote a post For My Mummy Tribe, pertaining to how vital these friendships were over the long summer school holidays. They are lifesavers, and it really helps when your children are friends and want to spend time together. Unavoidably however, children grow and change.

18 months on and I am staring down the barrel of the winter school holidays. These are much easier to fill as they are only 2 weeks instead of 7, however those of you across the globe will be facing summer!!! I thought this was a good time to reflect on the changes I am seeing in my children, and the children of my friends.

Some of these mothers were friends before we had children, and others I only met through the children, however the point remains that mostly we, as adults, haven’t changed THAT much in 18 months and still get along well. The same can’t always be said for our kids though. Some changes have been positive, some neutral but noticeable and others negative, but all of them have to be navigated anyway!

One of my friends has a daughter roughly the same age as my son. They used to be very good friends, however recently I have noticed that my daughter and my friends daughter are suddenly much closer, almost, although not quite, to the exclusion of my son. This is not a complaint, I do realise that girls will be naturally drawn to playing with other girls, and boys to other boys at certain ages. What it does mean is that my son, and my friends son, who is quite a bit younger are often bored during our time together, and we have to find ways to encourage the girls to include the boys. I often tell my daughter she is in charge of babysitting my friends son, and tell my own son his screen time reduces each time he asks to go home!!

Many of my friends with children the same age as my son had girls. As they are approaching their teenage years, this has also caused some shifts…. At times the kids are even more interested in each other, and at times less, acting as though each other have boy or girl germs. Each of them at times tries to impress and also “Outcool” each other with stories that are exaggerated way beyond any semblance of truth. I have heard my son at least refer to a few of these friends as his girlfriends to his mates, although he vehemently denies this if questioned! While I sometimes wonder if any of my friends daughters will  actually end up with my son one day, I do understand the chances are slim… not to mention that this could put even more strain on the adult friendships!

I have also posted more recently about my son’s friendships which have blossomed. While these are incredibly powerful and important connections for him, they sometimes cause him to ignore or exclude these friends I have kind of made and sustained for him. Take his birthday party for example, when he was asked to pick teams. All his school buddies and older boys were asked onto his team, leaving the girls and younger kids at a disadvantage, not to mention hurting quite a few feelings. This is an age where we learned why the adults select the teams!!!

https://www.thepragmaticparent.com/goodfriend/

Sadly, sometimes these changes and blossoming other social connections with new friends, mean our children no longer really get along, or play nicely together. It can be tricky to navigate this and maintain a friendship with the mother in this case. Depending on the severity of the rift, we choose to do activities together such as movies – nobody has to talk, or rollerskating, where it can be just as enjoyable solo as together. In extreme cases, we may choose to try and catch up without the kids. (Which, in my opinion is no great loss!)

However, sometimes having these conversations can be hard. How do you explain to your friend that your child no longer likes her child, or that her child upsets your child? Sometimes the best approach is not to address it specifically at all, instead just avoiding the issue, declining playdates and suggesting child free catch up’s instead. Sometimes all the kids need is a break from one another for a while! Other times it might be necessary to say that you have noticed the kids struggling to get along lately and you thought it would be best to give them some space, but reaffirm that you still want to maintain a friendship regardless of if the children stay friends.

The hardest thing is when you want to discuss her childs treatment of your child. I don’t advise this, except to tell her you think the kids need a break from each other and you hope they find ways to be friends again in the future. Acknowledge the hormones and changes going on, and ask for advice on how you can tackle the issue together, like should you agree to both talk to your kids about kindness, or expressing anger, or the implications of texting for example? Even if you think your kid doesn’t need the talk! Have it anyway. Show the kids maturity, not blaming or taking sides, and let them know your friendship is important and solid even if theirs isn’t. Also let them and each other know, your own friendship is not dependent on theirs, and they will need to be kind at times even if they are no longer friends.

Be reasonable, not defensive and be open to the fact that your child isn’t perfect either. Don’t force them to be friends. My mother tells me my Nainie (Welsh for Grandmother, pronounced Nine- y) always told her “I’m not getting involved, because you and your friend will be friends again by tomorrow, but her mother and I may never speak again.” Wise woman, I wish I got to meet her. Sounds like she valued her friendships too! 

There is power in letting our kids sort these things out for themselves, and accepting that we can’t choose their friends for them. They turn to us for guidance so you better lead by example!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can your comrades cause conflict with your courting companion?

The other day, a friend sent me this video, from Jay Shetty’s Facebook Page; Don’t let your friends change your mind. I watched it and I immediately thought of my friends who are on the dating scene in particular. The video is aimed to demonstrate how our peers can influence our opinions of people with whom we see potential, and encourages viewers to be sure of themselves. It is a positive message.

What stood out to me though, was the ways in which we can unwittingly influence our friends opinion of someone, making them question their own judgement. Actually I have seen this scenario play out on plenty of reality television shows too, such as married at first sight. It might be that the person is not instantly attracted to their match, however feel reassured when friends or family imply directly or indirectly that their match is attractive, and suddenly the person who was initially disinterested becomes way more open to the idea.

Unsurprisingly, however worryingly, the phenomenon also works in reverse. A person might be excited about their match until someone close implies a lack of attractiveness or a better option. Then suddenly and subconsciously the person starts distancing themselves from their match and usually can’t even really explain why they have suddenly lost interest.

Social status matters to most people, on some level, however small, which means we have a responsibility to encourage our friends, regardless of our opinion of the potential pairing. Of course, if you have genuine safety concerns you should voice them, if however your concerns are based on appearance, job title, housing or material possessions, perhaps keep your concerns to yourself for a while.

As explored in the video, each of us are unique individuals, and all sorts of things play into what we do and do not find attractive and acceptable. Perhaps you might not want to date someone shorter than you, or someone with more income for example, but your friend might be perfectly ok with it. In fact they may not have even considered these things until you plant the seed.

Most of us do want our friends to be happy, which means being happy for them. It also means accepting and encouraging their autonomy and believing in them to make the best choices for themselves. While my initial thoughts went straight to my single friends, this advice doesn’t stop there.

What if your friend wants to give up her legal career to chase her dream of being an actor or he wants to sell up and move into a caravan? It is ok to talk through these decisions with your friends to see how far they have thought it through, but try and think of positive things to say, or redirect the conversation back to how THEY think and feel about it.

Honestly, we don’t all want the same things and that is ok! We all face challenges and most things turn out alright in the end. We all have separate paths and separate journeys even if they are parallel for a while, and we didn’t see their decision to turn vegan coming.

If you don’t agree with the choice, you don’t have to pretend that you do agree with it… you just have to ask yourself why your opinion should matter and if it is valid.  It may take some mindfulness, as we don’t even consciously know when we are giving disapproving signals. Say your friend shows you a picture of her latest online love interest and you make a face… sometimes that is all it takes. I’m sure you’d hate thinking your friend missed her perfect match because YOU don’t like beards, for example? Instead, you could comment on his eyes and ask what they think of the photo? Remember you are not living their life, so you don’t have to go through whatever changes your friend is making.

The bottom line is just to let your friend know that you believe in them and support them, and will be there whatever they decide and however it turns out. Also be aware of when your own choices are being influenced by others and ask yourself if their opinion is valid before you take it on board!

Remember opinions aren’t facts, and at the end of the day, yours should only matter, to YOU!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

3 Steps to Repairing Trust in a Friendship after a Betrayal.

1. Acknowledge that BLAME is UNHELPFUL.

Regardless of what the other person says, or what your mind is trying to tell you, it was not your fault that someone betrayed you. The nature of human psychology seems to be one that would like to blame oneself for situations, in an attempt to learn from them and therefore not get hurt again in the same manner. (Hence this blog was born! Lol) However, happiness is knowing that what other people say and do is a reflection of themselves and not of you. It is entirely possible, and in my experience, highly probable, that it actually had very little to do with you. Although it has indeed affected you, that does not mean it was intended to hurt you. Most betrayals are examples of carelessness at its finest! Which means you should be forgiving and understanding and not blame the other person either.

I KNOW!!! Seriously though… Blame is unhelpful, and puts you in a victim mentality. In most cases a betrayal happens when the other person finds themselves in an unexpected predicament where they fail to consider that what they are doing is infact a betrayal – at least until after the event. This is true whether they confessed to you afterwards or continued the betrayal in some way. It is much easier to forgive someone if you acknowledge that their intention was not malicious, even if it was inconsiderate. It is easier to forgive someone for being selfish, inconsiderate or careless than for an action. If they have apologized, that is all they can actually do, the rest is up to you. If you wish to repair trust, then it is important to hold onto positive images of this person as a whole and acknowledge that they do not wake up each day asking how they can hurt someone. Most people would always rather not hurt someone, I’m willing to bet that your friend is no different. (If you disagree, you should not be friends with them.)

2. Know the difference between thoughts and feelings.

You might say “I feel I cannot trust this person.” But the truth is, you think you cannot trust them. You feel scared and anxious about getting hurt again. Forgiving and trusting are choices we make by changing our thoughts. If you continue to think negative thoughts about your friend, you will continue to feel negatively about them. If you make a conscious effort to have positive thoughts about your friend, your feelings will become positive again, in time. By choosing to think of their positive traits, the good memories you have shared and staying in the present moment with them (to create more positive memories) instead of staying stuck in what they did and how hurt you felt, you are choosing to move the friendship forward. This can be achieved if you have talked it out or not. Sometimes you cannot understand the reasons, or cannot get them to understand how hurt you are. This does not have to be a deal breaker. If you choose to move on from your pain, to stop thinking about it, or their reasons, you will be happier. Think of how you want things to be, and work towards that.  (Use the weight loss analogy. Is it helpful to sit on the couch and blame yourself for gaining weight, or your partner for bringing you food? Or is it helpful to start changing what you eat and go for a walk? Which will lead you to the outcome you desire? Just like with weight loss, start small and let it happen over time!)

I know from personal experience how hard this step can be. After a reconciliation with a friend I felt the need to discuss what had happened between us to cause us to fall out in the first place. My friend was not so keen. Apologies had already been made, so what more could be done? Talking about it would only have dragged us back to that place and reopened the wound. I am thankful that I recognised “I don’t feel I want to talk about it. I think I want to talk about it, but I know talking about it will make us both feel bad. After a few months the need to talk about it subsided as we created new memories and I relaxed into our friendship again. I could get hurt again, but worrying about it wont change that, it will only remove the pleasure in right now. Which flows nicely into my next point….


3. Trust in YOURSELF that you WILL BE OKAY however this works out.

You cannot control the outcome of this, all you can do is know that this person has betrayed your trust once before. If you trust this person again, it is possible you may get hurt again. If you trust someone else, they may also hurt you. However, you do know that you survived the betrayal, and should it happen again, you will be just fine. You must have enough personal security to know that. You do not need this other person. You are choosing to stay, you are not stuck. To loosely quote Pink “Try”

“Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’re gonna die!”

N.B: If there is violence, stalking, mental, emotional, sexual or physical abuse involved, you cannot trust this person. You must leave. Stop googling this and make a plan for your safety. Seek professional assistance in all avenues required.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

5 Secrets of Friendship

The term secrets tends to be pretty synonymous with the term friendship! If there were some secret to making and maintaining close friendships I’d be sure to blog about it and fill you in. There isn’t a one size fits all solution to friendships, however a pretty important component is vulnerability. We all ideally want that close friend in whom we confide and trust, and who confides and trusts in us, but building those connections can be scary, embarrassing or even humiliating….that is all part of the fun though!!

Maybe you are closer to some of your friends than you actually think you are? Or maybe I just wanted to write a juicy piece about some of the best stories my friends have shared with me, anonymously of course, to make us all smile!

1. Embarrassing stories.

You know you are close with your friend when you are the first person (and only person…. Until now anyway! Haha) she tells about last night when she had some people over for dinner. After the meal was finished, they moved into the lounge area where she squatted down to pet her dog. Unfortunately some of the dog’s fur traveled promptly up her nose, causing her to do a big sneeze. We all know this is dangerous enough as a woman over 35, when you add squatting into the mix, apparently it is a given that you will proceed to wee through your pants in an obvious, loud (tile floor, thankfully I guess?)  and uncontrollable manner, in full view of all your guests, while your dog tries to lick up the mess.  She then had to walk her guests to the door, with obvious sloshing from her urine filled boots…. Gives a new meaning to “wee wee wee, all the way home.” Haha

Is there anything more embarrassing than public adult urinary incontinence? How about private…. Very private in fact, bowel incontinence! Hahaha. Yep. What are the chances that the same week, a different friend confessed that she had quite the crappy sexual encounter with her partner, and that she just needed to tell someone. Lol When someone says that, it is only natural to want to know more information, but I wasn’t expecting literal crap to be part of it! Apparently, during intercourse with her man, they decided to switch up positions with her on top. Not considering her food choices earlier that day, and caught up in the heat of the moment, she didn’t consider that things were about to get much much hotter in all the wrong ways. The sexually active among us know that sometimes our bodies let out embarrassing sounds and gasses spontaneously during love making (Yes, I just said love making?! Lol) and when you are as comfortable with your partner as my friend is with hers, you just let rip and laugh together. Unfortunately what followed came with little warning and lots of follow through…. All over him!!! That is one way to finish….. although I don’t recommend it…. And neither does he!!! Hahaha

Sharing your most embarrassing stories sometimes takes a level of trust and vulnerability you wouldn’t allow just anyone. I did have my friends permission to write this blog with their stories, but rest assured there are plenty more I would never dare to share! That leads us to point number 2.

2. Private jokes.

I will never forget the above stories, and although I would never dream of humiliating my friends by bringing these things up in inappropriate situations, let it be said that I will also NEVER let them forget either. Haha These confessions will soon turn to private jokes whereby the word “crappy” or the word “nappy” will always make us both laugh for reasons unknown to everyone else (Well, except you! Lol)
This simple exchange tells the world “We are close. We know things. We share secrets.” Some friends even have a whole secret language, full of words, phrases, facial expressions or movements with which they communicate, and often don’t even realize they are doing it. While I would advise against taking it this far, because it can become exclusionary to other people around you, I see no harm in a shared smile when someone says the word “average” or says the word medium, which prompts you both to say at the same time, laughing “average!”

The jokes don’t have to pertain to anything gross, sexual or embarrassing, the point is that if you have a shared word with someone like that, it means you are probably closer than you realize.

3. Behind the scenes.

Jokes aside though, being close and vulnerable with someone isn’t always embarrassing, sometimes it is just difficult. When you are really close with someone you talk about the real things. The stuff you don’t talk about on a Facebook status. The behind the scenes stuff, that you can hardly bring yourself to say out loud as it is. Stuff like “I sometimes resent my kid, and wonder what life would have been like if I never got pregnant.” Or “I called in sick to work today. I told them I had gastro, but the truth is, I got on the scale this morning and I have gained 10 kilos and I just cried all day then ate pizza.”

This is a real conversation I had recently.
Me: You’re late, is everything ok?
Friend: Yeah, sorry, my vibrator broke, so I had to stick it back together with sellotape. I had to do it now before the kids come home from school later.
Me: Sounds like a sticky situation!

Cue laughter. It doesn’t have to be heavy, just private, real and unfiltered.

Your closest friends are the ones you trust to show your real self. The ones who know you see a psychologist, and why, the ones who like your status about your fabulous weekender with your husband, but also know you are on rocky ground. The ones you actually talk to about what is really on your mind, without fear of judgment. These are the friends who have seen you cry, your ugliest cry, and are worth their weight in gold, because with them, you get to be yourself and not the image of yourself that you show the rest of the world.

If you have a friend who talks to you about the real issues, close to her heart, she considers you a close friend. That is a privilege and an honour. I really hope she can return the favour if you are brave enough to open up and be vulnerable in return if you haven’t yet already.


4. Naked Truth.

Naturally being real and being naked go hand in hand. Nothing sparks a person’s insecurities more than being naked. Mine anyway. That said, most of my friends and I have seen more of each other than we care to admit! Between visits to day spa’s that often require a fair amount of co-nudity, breast feeding, or sharing tips on how to capture the elusive sexy selfie or the impossible pretty pussy pictures, it is fair to say we are reasonably comfortable with each other!

Of course, you don’t always even mean to be so comfortable. Sometimes you are just innocently swiping through your holiday snaps with a friend, without remembering to filter out your naughty nudes, and your friend sees more of you than you bargained for! Haha

It’s not always about lack of clothes, you see, sometimes it is the type of clothing you’re wearing that indicates a level of closeness. I recently went to a friends house for dinner and she greeted me in her pyjamas! If that doesn’t say comfortable, I don’t know what does. I said next time I would wear mine too and she agreed that I should!

Most of my friends are fairly comfortable changing clothes in front of me, despite my inclinations for the ladies, and we are actually all fairly tactile too. A hug hello, a kiss goodbye, or holding hands as we move through a crowded street. Although these things are seen to be too intimate for friendships, there is nothing like feeling close enough to touch.  Touch is Trust


5. History.

All these things aside, sometimes your closest friends are your longest standing ones. Even if you don’t have private jokes and you keep your personal or embarrassing stories to yourself. These people can be closest because they know who you are from experience. They knew who you were, who you tried to be and who you became. They are likely to know who you will become too. If you can start a sentence with “Remember when we were young…” then you probably have a close friend in your midst.  Sadly even the closest friendships don’t always last, so a lasting one is close by default. It is reliable and measurable to some degree.

Whatever stories you have, the people in them are probably closer than the people you tell later, no?

If you can’t relate to any of these points, then it is time for you to start. Tell someone something real or embarrassing  and maybe before you know it you will have a long history of private jokes!

Vulnerability is valuable, try it!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What does "space" actually mean?

No, I am not an astronaut, and I have never been to actual space! I do own some land on the moon apparently, if that counts, and sometimes it has felt like I have been sent there to live. Other times I only wish I had been!  The term “space” when it comes to relationships can be create as much mystery and feelings of fear, darkness, coldness, loneliness and helplessness as actual outer space. So what does space mean, and how can we give it to people when they request it?

How often should you message? What should you say? Can you call? Should you let them know you are thinking of them? Is that pressuring them? …..

This post will be probably be popular and unpopular all at once, because I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. Space means “go away.” Sorry. It means “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” (Even if they do call, you’ll probably be left feeling cold and confused and wishing they didn’t bother.)

It doesn’t matter if this request blindsides you or if you saw it coming, either way it is highly likely to trigger your fears and anxieties. You will wonder what caused this request and how to fix it. You will not want to accept the possibility that it is too late to fix anything. It will feel like the end. So is it?

The answer to that, could largely depend on your ideas on how to give space, and how you interpret it. If you are the kind of person who calculates how many hours it has been since the person in question read your message and didn’t reply, space is probably not going to be an easy thing for you to give. If you are the kind of person who interprets space as the silent treatment then space is not something you will recover from easily. And finally, if you are the kind of person who needs a lot of space, you may struggle to maintain friendships in the first place.

All this is because space seems counterintuitive to connection. How we connect is through communication, body language, touch, expression and sharing. So how are we supposed to connect with someone and stay connected to them without any of these factors to support that connection? Honestly, the answer to that is, you’re not. If someone is asking for space they are asking you to disconnect from them. The more you fight this, the worse it will get. For you. If they asked for space you have it on pretty good authority that they have already disconnected.

You will probably want to check in with the person, asking them how they are, and if there is anything you can do for them. You want to let them know that you are still thinking of them and caring for them, even though the request for space is painful and difficult for you. The problem with that strategy is that you are in effect showing them “I am still connected to you.” As I just mentioned – this is the exact opposite of what the person has asked you for. If you are seeking validation, you’ll be disappointed. Look elsewhere.

It is going to feel natural to ask the person who wants space from you approximately how much space they will need from you. An hour? A day? A month? A year? 2 years? Don’t ask. Please don’t ask. The fact that you want to know, only proves their point – the fact that you are asking for more than they can give. The reason you want to know is because you are seeking reassurance that this is not the end; That they will be coming back to you after having some space.

If they can’t give you that, does that mean this IS the end? I wont lie to you, it might be. Maybe they think asking for space is the kindest way to end things and not assign blame. Maybe they think hiding behind the vague pretense that space implies they will return is kinder than ending it. Maybe they really don’t know themselves. Most likely they want to avoid hurting your feelings and an ugly confrontation. If you prefer to have one and just end it, then go ahead and call them on it.

I don’t recommend it though. At least wait until you aren’t as angry and hurt and otherwise emotional. In my experiences nothing good has ever come out of pushing someone who is already on the verge of walking away. Their cup is empty, they cannot pour you anything from it.

You’ll probably be thinking things like “I am not a phone call, you can’t just put me on hold!” Which is 100% true! So don’t put yourself on hold. Keep on doing your thing, living your life and focusing on your goals, because, well, what else can you do, really? Even if they end it officially speaking, you’d find yourself in that same predicament anyway? What’s the difference? Yes, you’d get to express your feelings, but if the person in question is asking for space, be real, they don’t care too much about how you feel anyway at this point. (Maybe they don’t, maybe they can’t. Either way….)

It is not their job to deal with your feelings. That is your job. Let them deal with their own feelings, and don’t waste time guessing what those feelings are. Maybe you did something or said something that changed how they saw you or felt about you. Maybe they don’t like you anymore. Maybe they had feelings that you didn’t know or understand and being friends with you is too painful. There could be lots of reasons. If you have reason to believe your friend is at risk to herself or others, seek professional guidance from your local Mental Health Emergency Response Line (1300 555 788 here in Perth Western Australia) or checkout the Beyond Blue Website here for other ideas or support.

What you need to hear, and understand is that you are going to be ok. This is not as urgent as it feels. You’re going to survive even if your friendship doesn’t. Your happiness does not depend on the outcome of this situation. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’re not going to be ok. You will be.

Space = no contact. “Don’t call me, don’t write, don’t show up in the middle of the night….” Kim Sozzi – Letting Go.

Give your friend a chance to process and deal with their feelings and their own life. If they are angry, hurt, upset or confused, drained or depressed, give them unlimited amounts of time to feel those things until they dissipate. Give them time to miss you. If they want to be in your life, they will come back. If they don’t, then you had no control over that anyway.

If It hurts it’s probably because you don’t want to say goodbye. (Even if they do?!) So don’t say it? Or maybe it hurts because you want to say an official goodbye while they don’t? You may regret that later. Let go and breathe. On the bright side, friendships are non-monogamous, so you are free to move on as soon as you like. (And so are they… infact, they probably already have, so you better get a move on and catch up! Literally, with some other friends!!!)

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do Broken Promises Equal Broken Hearts?

I see the tears welling in my daughter’s eyes as she yells at me “It’s not fair! You promised!” Her words are angry, but it’s easy to see her little heart is breaking. You see, I said she could play with her best friend after school on Friday’s and this week, her friend can’t make it. Naturally, I didn’t “promise” that things like this would never happen, but I do understand how valuable these play times are to her. It’s sometimes easy to forget how powerless children feel to get the things that they want, and remember only how simple and blissful it was to shoulder none of the responsibility of decision making and consequences.

Anyway, my point, is that although I didn’t promise my daughter, we did make an agreement and this time I was unable to fulfil it. I hated disappointing her, and I hate disappointing others too. If I say I will do something, I try my best to do it. To be reliable. It would be fair to say, that because of this commitment to follow through with the things I say I will do, I am cautious about what I offer, and carefully consider the plausibility and consequences of any agreements I make. I am willing to bet MOST people are pretty similar?

Of course, we probably all have that one friend who agrees to everything without thinking it through and usually flakes until you learn to stop asking for anything important. And many of us also have a friend who takes on everything, too much even, often at her own mental expense. However, for the most part, I think it would be fairly safe to assume that people don’t deliberately let each other down. While we rarely make promises as adults, we do make assumptions all the time. If past behaviour is the best predictor of future behavior, it feels safe to rely on someone you have always relied on in the past.

This is where things get tricky. Say for example you work 3 days a week, and to save on child care costs, you turn to family and friends for support. Your mother watches the baby Monday’s, the baby’s father’s mother watches the baby Friday’s and your best friend watches the baby on Wednesdays. This has been working for you for over a year. Except now your baby is 2 and getting into everything. Your best friend sits you down and tells you she has been asked to volunteer in the school canteen on Wednesdays from now on, so she will no longer be able to help you….

The title of this blog pertains to broken hearts. When our hearts are broken, the grief cycle kicks in….

For a start, this news will probably come as a shock. Because you had always relied on her before. Denial will be brief.  Then bargaining may start to take hold, with you justifying that any of the other parents could volunteer, why does it have to be your friend? Couldn’t she volunteer another day? Cue anger. Why didn’t your friend refuse the position? It doesn’t pay any money. She has a commitment to you. She has never showed any interest in volunteering at the school before? Depression comes next. Maybe she just doesn’t value your friendship? You thought she loved watching your child. You thought she loved you and your child. She obviously doesn’t care about you or what you are going to do now….. The last stage is acceptance. In this scenario, you wont reach  that until you find an alternative solution to your problem. The longer it takes you to reach acceptance, the less chance there is that the friendship will survive.  This is basically true regardless of the scenario, so acceptance is key.

In the above example, nobody promised anybody anything, nobody owed anybody anything, and both perspectives are valid. The idea that breaking a promise is wrong, is unhelpful. There are many circumstances in which breaking a promise is the right thing to do, if not the only thing. When we focus only on the broken promise, we fail to recognise all the other factors and circumstances that influenced the outcome. Put simply, none of us like to be told no, to feel helpless or to be let down, and a period of grief, however small scale will always be the result.

Others may view this as an adult tantrum, however we are all entitled to how we feel. Instead of focusing on the broken promise, we would be better to remember a time when we had to let someone down. Sadly it is unavoidable. We need to acknowledge that while nobody likes to feel let down, similarly nobody likes to feel like they let someone down. The quickest way to mend the broken heart is to acknowledge to yourself, and to the other person “I understand. I know you wouldn’t let me down if you didn’t have to. Thanks anyway.”

Not only does this highlight to the other person that you are understanding and forgiving, it demonstrates that you trust you can still rely on them and trust their positive intent towards you. It also remind you that your friend didn’t make the choice lightly and although you may not understand a valid reason for letting you down, that she has to put her own needs first, and for whatever reason she needed to let you down. Acceptance comes much quicker when you don’t try and understand the reasons behind another person’s choices. Easier said than done, I know!

In answer to my question, do broken promises lead to broken hearts, I think the answer is… yeah, sometimes they can. But only if we look at them as promises, instead of expectations and assumptions. If you assume someone let you down because they didn’t care about you, you are probably breaking their heart too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Making Friends at Different Ages and Different Stages

I want to start this post by stating that many of my friends feel envious that I am a stay at home mum. I wholeheartedly agree that we are very fortunate that this is a financially viable option for us and want to publicly acknowledge how hard my dear husband works to support us and provide a comfortable lifestyle. That said, it was never my intention to stay at home.

Initially the plan was to return to work part time. I was under the impression, perhaps naively so in retrospect, that I could return to my position after maternity leave on a part time basis. Unfortunately that was not the case. It was a full time role, and I would be expected to return on a full time basis or not at all. I chose the latter, obviously, but that was not an easy choice. If I had of known this before I went on maternity leave I would have had time to prepare myself for whatever choice I made, however, with only a week or so to decide, I felt I really had no choice at all.

The first year off, on maternity leave was hard. I was suddenly available during the day while all my friends were at work, and I had a difficult plus one over weekends. While my friends were all planning fancy dinners, I had to be putting the baby down for bed by 6.30pm – because he would only sleep in his cot. (Yes, I made plenty of fairly obvious first time parent mistakes… like patting him to sleep for hours at a time in said cot… groan.) Anyway, my friends were going to movies, talking about dates they went on, and slowly excluding me from group events. I can understand this now, but it was difficult back then. My friends didn’t ask me how I was, only about the baby, although their eyes would glaze over if I actually talked about him. Sadly he was pretty much all I had to talk about.

I attended mothers group… I suppose because I felt I had to. They assigned me one and I thought the health nurse would give me a black mark against my name if I didn’t go or something? So I went. I didn’t bond with the other mothers straight away. It felt so competitive and everyone wanted to talk about how great motherhood was. I wanted to scream that I missed myself. That I didn’t realise how much I would have to give of myself to care for someone who didn’t seem to even recognise me let alone love me. (Autism.) My son wasn’t reaching the same milestones, he was different. But I kept going along, if only because it felt good to be invited, included. But slowly, I did make friendships. One mum who told me it was ok if I didn’t keep breastfeeding just because I didn’t like it, not to mention that he was failing to thrive. I confessed that I was lonely and she arranged some playdates…It helped, like a lot! Twice a week I got out of the house and spoke to other adults.

As people returned to work and mothers group was starting to fade away, I made a strong connection with another one of the other mums. She confessed that she was struggling with the same issues as me, and we went out for coffee, WITHOUT the babies. We realised a part of what we were mourning was our identity and in each other we found it. We discussed our marriages, our parents, our childhoods…. Ourselves. We had our second babies at the same time and we are still close. The subsequent years of parenting were made easier, simply because we had each other.

Still, we both had lives, full of appointments and family and commitments, so while I enjoyed our weekly coffee dates, and still do, I was still isolated, particularly when I wasn’t going back to work. My husband encouraged me to join a playgroup and so I did. Eventually! Oh how I loved playgroup. For at least the first 6 months I hardly spoke to anyone, but I kept going anyway, just to be around people. Eventually, slowly, I made friends. Strong connections with women I am lucky enough to still call friends to this day. At least I was back to having 2 outings a week! Again these friendships grew slowly, staying as acquaintances for a while, then being friendly, to casual friends, to deep meaningful friendships, all of which blossomed after playgroup, because whenever there was a group event, I always showed up. (This is big for me. As I have blogged about previously, I don’t do groups!)

Then it was time for my son to start school, and again, after a few years of general chit chat with familiar faces, friendships slowly blossomed.  Some earlier connections had faded away, but new ones were fading in. All because I was THERE. However, my kids are older now, they don’t need to attend any group events and parents don’t stay at parties anymore….

This is probably the first time in my life, where I am not in a situation where I can just show up and make friends by default. I am not working. The kids have their independence somewhat, and I can no longer use them as an excuse to put myself in social situations. This means I have to make a conscious effort to do something to make friends. It can be a bit daunting, making friends with individuals, talking online to strangers, and just generally hoping someone will approach you and save you the effort!!!

Alas, if you want to make friends, you have to DO SOMETHING! Many women my age, decide to study. This is an excellent way to have a place to be around other like minded folks. However it is also expensive, and depends if you have anything you particularly want to study. Some of the women I know who did return to the classroom were disappointed to be surrounded by school leavers rather than peers. That said, some of them did form bonds with the few other mature age students and lecturers. If study isn’t your thing and you can’t fathom meeting people online like some sort of dating service, a hobby group, church, voluntary position in the community or exercise class may fit the bill. Again, if you keep showing up, eventually you will make friends. While I have indeed made a few friends online, not everyone feels comfortable doing this.

It gets even harder, my mum tells me, as you get older. Most, by no means all, women in their 70’s have little interest in study or joining a gym. If they haven’t found religion yet, it’s unlikely that they are going to find it now. Many are not capable of volunteering due to physical limitations, and most of them are not online or on apps for meeting people they don’t already know. But many many of them are lonely. My mother has been lucky, or intuitive enough to nurture the friendships she made at different stages of her life. Friends from the immigration flats they stayed in when they first moved to Australia. Friends from playgroup when I was a child. Friends from my school years. Friends from back home who also moved here. And these people fill her heart. She is lucky to call these people friends, because she has been a friend. Yet, sometimes it is still lonely!

Ergo, what did she do? She joined a meet up club for people over 60. They go once a month for lunch or a coffee. She joined with a friend but they try not to sit together so they can meet new people. While mum hasn’t made any strong connections yet, there are plenty of people there she enjoys chatting to, and if she keeps going long enough… you watch, these people will grow into friends.

When we are younger, we are surrounded by peers, but each year that passes, makes connections slowly more and more difficult to form. So, what is the moral of the story? Show up. Show up to groups. Show up to events. Show up to class, and keep on showing up to the friendships you wish to maintain. Even when they start to feel a bit stale, go through a rough patch, or you’re both busy. If you isolate yourself, you’ll feel isolated…. Plus you never know when an acquaintance seed is going to suddenly sprout into a budding friendship. So show up and find out!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx