5 reasons you may be a flaky friend, and how to be better.

1.       You say yes to every offer, maybe for fear of disappointing people or maybe because everything sounds so fun. You really believe at the time that you can attend the baby shower of one friend in the afternoon, get drinks with another before dinner, grab dinner with your posse and then a late night movie with someone else after, but it leaves you feeling stressed before you begin, you end up letting everyone down by being late to everything, cancelling at least one thing, spending most of your time on the phone at each event co-ordinating the next thing and creating a mutual feeling that nobody got your quality time and attention. No wonder you are exhausted and unmotivated!

2.       Although you feel anxious today, you feel certain that once you are out and about you will enjoy yourself. You hesitate to make plans for right now, but make them for the future. When the day rolls around you feel sick with anxiety and don’t want to go. Most of the time you cancel or just don’t show up, and when you do you spend the whole time feeling sick and wanting to leave. You yo-yo between feeling grateful your friends still invite you at all and resentful at them for forcing you to be social when you don’t feel like it. You usually end up pushing people away and then feel sad and lonely.

3.       You’re only flaky with certain people. If you like and respect someone, you will be on time and remember the plans. If on the other hand, you are less enthusiastic about your friend than they are about you…. Chances are you will easily forget the plans…. Or worse still… dread them! You won’t be motivated to get ready, you will be late and you will try and make as many excuses as possible. You usually try and get them to cancel the plans by saying how tired you are, how busy you have been and that you will have to leave early, hoping they will give you an easy out and you can pretend to feel bad, while you are secretly relieved. If this is the case, you have to ask yourself if you are actually trying to end the friendship via flaky behavior. If it’s not working a more direct approach may be kinder.

4.       You are super busy. You work fulltime, you have 4 kids, they have a million extracurricular activities, you have a big family with events most weekends and even some evenings. You hardly ever make plans because you are so busy and your friends start to feel you are avoiding them and constantly ask if everything is ok. When you do make plans almost every time something crops up forcing you to cancel, and when you do have time you feel like you can hardly call on people at the last minute, or that you’re so exhausted that curling up on the couch with a glass of wine is all you really want to do anyway.

5.       You’re an introvert. You would always rather be alone. Your job and your family exhaust you, and you need and cherish alone time to just recharge. You prefer seeing a movie or going for a walk alone. It’s not that you don’t like your friends, you’re happy to text or email etc… but you actually don’t want to catch up, or even talk on the phone. Communication and events are always at your discretion, in your own time when you feel like it. Honestly you feel like the world would be a better place if you were the only person in it.

TIP FOR BEING BETTER:

Think of other people and respect their time! The world doesn’t revolve around you, although I am well aware YOUR world does. Don’t make too many plans, remember the ones you do make, be on time. Do not make excuses. Let people know as far in advance as you can if you can’t make it. If you get asked to do something and you don’t want to, just say no. You don’t have to justify yourself. Let go of friends who don’t excite you and if necessary make plans that suit you such as movie nights at your place if you like to stay in. Invite people on errands if you are willing and able, such as to the dog beach if you are going to be there anyway or to the office for an hour for lunch which you’d be doing anyway and limits the time. If you prefer your own company, be honest with your friends. Tell them you can only handle one social interaction per week and explain that it may be a while before you see them again because you like a lot of space and can’t handle neediness.

You don’t have to feel guilty or like a bad friend as long as you go about being yourself and living your life in a respectful way.

If you find that you always seem to be waiting around for other flaky people and you find this frustrating, while blowing off the more reliable people in your life, it may be time to ask yourself if you have intimacy issues. Do you push away anyone who gets too close and chase after anyone who is cold and distant? Do you secretly not want to join any club that would have you as a member? Do you dislike yourself so much that you question and distrust anyone that likes you? Acknowledging the problem is the first step in getting help. Maybe it is anxiety, social or general and you may benefit from speaking to a qualified therapist? If so, go ahead and make an appointment. You might be glad you did. Your friends will be!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

What to do when a friend is pushing you away?

So many of us can relate to this one. I sure can. It’s a feeling, more than a fact. The friend in question casually acts like everything is ok, while pulling away emotionally and creating distance between you. It seems as if your friend hasn’t even noticed the drift, or doesn’t care, which only adds salt to the wound.

You try to be patient at first and understand what she is going through. You offer to help. She insists everything is fine and she is just “busy.” You get worried and ask her if she is feeling depressed? Her response makes it pretty clear that her main feeling is annoyed – at you!  You try to be patient, meanwhile sending her funny or cute texts or messages letting her know that you are thinking of her. She responds in one word answers, never immediately, if at all. Or maybe it's all niceties, but it's just words, never any action. 

You start to notice she is spending a lot of time with her other friends on social media, and things pop up about her life that she hadn’t mentioned to you. Of course she hadn’t, she’d need to actually talk to you! You press to meet for coffee and she reluctantly agrees, but cancels at the last minute.

You ask her if you have done anything to upset her, and apologise if you have. She assures you that everything is fine. It feels like you are going crazy! Everything is NOT fine, and she denies this???

The thing is – you are asking her if everything is ok with herself. It is. You are asking if she is upset with you. She isn’t. The reason you are feeling this way is because you are still offering up friendship and she is no longer reciprocating that. If she has other friendships blossoming, she hasn’t noticed a change in her life because her needs are still being met, albeit not by you…

You have picked up on this change because she is no longer meeting your need as a friend and it is triggering your insecurities that this is your fault, that you were not good enough. The best advice I have for you when someone pushes you away, is to go.

I know. That isn’t what you wanted to hear, however the general reason someone pushes you away is because they want you to go. For now anyway. They don’t want to say it and probably don’t have a very good reason aside from they have no need for you in their life right now. No place or no space.

You cannot force yourself or your friendship on people. The more you try, the more they pull away. People are entitled to their opinions of you, and you do not need to defend, nor prove yourself.

It plays out like this – the more insecure you become, the more needy you become, and the more needy you become, the less that person will want to be around you. Even if they do, it will be more like an obligation. Nobody wants to feel like their friendship is an obligation. Either way the friendship will end, and if you keep pushing things, it will likely be a nasty confrontational ending. I know you THINK you want to know WHY?! Honestly, you don’t. You are unlikely to actually hear any reasons and will only defend yourself. This is natural, but the whole conversation is unhelpful, and will leave you even more hurt and insecure. Do yourself a favour – don’t force it.

If you try to see it as the universe pushing you in a different direction perhaps, and expand your options, try to find other people to meet your needs, the angst, and anger will be much less. This leaves your friendship with your initial friend open rather than closed. You have not officially ended, which makes it easier, as times and things change, to “catch up” again in the future and resume your friendship as if nothing had ever happened. If you wanted to. If not, maybe that will be her Karma as she has to feel the insecurity that you initially dealt with.

It may feel like you are letting your friend get away with treating you poorly, which you don’t deserve, but what you are really doing is giving her the space she is quietly requesting. Respecting her need - which isn’t for you right now. And you are actually being much kinder to yourself this way too.

If you came across this post on Google or whatever, please let this be the last article you google. If your friend is pushing you away, like it or not, right now, she wants you to go. Don’t hand her a weapon and make her shoot you with it and then play the victim. Save your dignity and walk away, with love in your heart and hope that one day she will be back for you. You are awesome. Go find people who make you feel that way and stop wasting energy on this.

How do you do that? Stop looking at this one friend, and spend some time making lists of your other friends. Which friendships could you expand? Who could you invite out to that show next week instead? How could you make some new friends?

The helpful answers are most often in the future, not in the past, so try to stay focused on that!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

One for my online friends

My mum has a pen pal in Paris to whom she has been writing for many many years, since her youth. Over the years they have met in real life and maintained a long distance friendship, if you will. Although they still write to each other snail mail style, they also keep in touch digitally now too. Yet in a conversation where I mentioned a friend of mine that my mother had not met she seemed confused.

I told her this was my online friend, somewhat like a pen pal and she said “I didn’t know you had a pen pal?” You know what? That is something I love about my online friends. They are not connected to anyone I know in my life. They are not involved in any of the domestic duties, politics or other nitty gritty details of my life. What they are is there for me when I need to talk to someone. They have this uncanny ability to be impartial because they are somewhat removed from the situation.

They give me endless support, and advice I can count on because as the end of the day, they aren’t personally invested in the outcome. They truly just want me to be happy, and I do the same for them.  I also feel there is less pressure in online friendships. Although these are women I consider close friends, due to the distances and time differences, there is much more leeway for our separate lives to continue on. I wont be upset if I don’t hear back straight away, and they don’t get upset if I forgot to mention an important but insignificant detail in real time.

We tell each other what we want the other to know. We discuss our lives, but moreso we discuss our emotions and the situations we want to discuss. I feel like we are able to be more personal, strangely, because of the less personal nature of our connection. One one level, these women are strangers, and yet on another level I feel we may know each other better than any of the people actually physically present in our lives.

And even better perhaps, than the way my mother met her pen pal way back when, I have met these women on forums where we know we have something important in common. While most people in our lives may not share this interest or experience, we know we can count on someone to really hear and understand us on important issues close to our hearts.

They say when you are behind a screen you have the ability to be whoever you want to be, but I feel like these women are bravely being more themselves with me than they are in their real lives. Often with technology these days, although we have never met, I am familiar with the names and faces of their nearest and dearest, as they are with mine, and because we don’t catch up in person, there tends to be an ongoing conversation more than “catch up’s” per se, which is a nice quirk that can probably only really exist in the online context.

There are times when these women are the first ones I turn to, and I know they reciprocate that. One of these women has gone out of her way to help me source things from her homeland that I was unable to get for myself, and has even sent me a care package! Her friendship is a gift…. The type that keeps on giving!

Some people say that online friends are not REAL friends, but I beg to differ. These women have added immeasurable value to my life. While I do know there is much to be said for spending real quality time with friends, and we have often commented that we wish we lived closer, our virtual coffee dates are just as satisfying, and even better nobody has to leave the house or get dressed and we can chat whenever we have the time! Everybody wins! I vow to meet these ladies in person one of these days, and I look forward to it too.

Thanks for being in my life ladies! You know who you are! You are like angels, almost literally because I have never laid eyes on you and you have helped me through some big issues. Thank you for the time and effort it takes you to keep up our conversations, for sharing the best and the worst of yourselves with me and for being open to this online friendship with someone on the other side of the world! I’m so glad I met you.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Dealing with double standards in Friendships

A friend recently disclosed to me a feeling of disgruntlement within her friendship group at a perceived double standard. It’s not something that I had really pondered before, but thought it was an interesting topic to explore, as there can be many ways a double standard may exist in a friendship. It may be a double standard that exists between 2 people, or more commonly a double standard that exists when one friendship is compared with another.

Double standards that exist between 2 friends usually indicate some inequality in the friendship. Let’s look at some examples of double standards that could exist between 2 people alone. These can include situations where perhaps one friend can dish it but can’t take it. She may tease, correct or belittle you but refuses to tolerate reciprocation in any way accusing you of being disrespectful, rude or a bad friend if you dare speak to her the way she speaks to you. Alternatively, it could be that you seem to value your friend and your friendship more than she does. For example you would never consider making other plans if the 2 of you already had plans to spend time together but she consistently blows you off if she gets a better offer or just can’t be bothered. In these situations, you can’t make someone value you more or prove your worth. Align yourself more with friends who do value you. It really is that simple.

The other type of double standard that often crops up in friendships exists when you make comparisons between your friendship with a person, and their friendships with other people. There are countless ways I have experienced this myself, directly or indirectly, such as;

One friend became upset with me and felt an injustice when I would not babysit her children, but often babysat for some other friends children. Another time I felt slighted when a friend told me that they were too busy to spend time with me, and then I learned that they had been spending time with other friends. In one situation someone became upset that her dogs were not allowed in the home of a friend, however on a subsequent visit found another friend with her dog not only in her friend’s home, but also on the furniture! Or how about when someone refuses to loan you money, or clothes for example, and then you learn that they willingly loan these things to other people?

At face value, all of these things do seem unjust, don’t they? It would be easy, and feel almost logical to jump to the conclusion that your friend doesn’t value you as much as you value them, as your brain rattles off a comprehensive list of all the things you have done for them that they have not reciprocated in any way. It is enough to trigger your inner 3 year old to stomp her foot and wail “It’s not fair?!” I guess, in part, the truth of the matter is, that life isn’t fair! However, to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, there could be many reasons why she has clearer boundaries with you on one issue that are different with another friend.

For starters, it is possible that you friend feels comfortable enough with you that she can say no to you. Although nobody likes to hear the word no, this could actually be the best compliment. Saying no is hard to do and in most of us triggers fears of rejection, so if your friend feels safe to say no to you, at least you can take comfort in the knowledge that she is not secretly resenting you for her own inability to say no. If however, you are certain she would have no problem saying no to other people but chooses not to, there are a whole host of other things to consider.

Take some of the examples listed above…. Maybe her other friend only has one kid and you have 5, or maybe they are older, or play better with her own kids. Or maybe you have a puppy and she has an old placid dog, or someone suffers allergies to long haired pets but not short haired ones. Maybe she loaned someone money for an important operation but didn’t feel the need to oblige your request to loan you money to get your hair done. Maybe she once loaned you a top and never got it back, even if it was a simple oversight on your part. There could be lots of reasons that don’t immediately make sense to you that could influence someone to treat you one way and someone else another way.

The truth is, comparing almost never works out well and we need to realise and respect that someone else’s friendship with our friend is their own business and has nothing to do with us. Even if it does boil down to this – they actually do like someone else more than they like us. That’s life. Think about it. I’m sure you have friends you prefer over others, and as a result would be more willing to flex your boundaries with them for that reason. Or a million other reasons you can justify to yourself.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you if you address the problem head on or not. If you do, a casual remark to let your friend know you’ve noticed might be enough for some people – for example “I see Cindi’s dog is allowed inside.” And for others they may feel compelled to ask for a clarification eg: “You told me you didn’t allow dogs in the house?” However you run the risk of seeming confrontational and may soon find it’s not only your dogs who are unwelcome. Essentially your friend doesn’t owe you an explanation and if you truly feel your level of effort or investment is higher than hers, lower yours. As a natural result of any double standards noticed, resentment and distance soon follow in one form or another.

Instead of allowing your inner child to focus heavily on the ways your friends have been unfair to you, perhaps have a closer look in your own friendships and address the double standards and inequalities that you yourself may impose on others? Before you say anything, ask yourself how you would feel if one friend tried to dictate the boundaries in your other friendships to you? Probably not great.

Go where the love is ladies. 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don't be this person!

Are you BLOODY BUDDIES, or not?!

Reading this article on Babe.net by Rosie Lanners on 14th September 2016 prompted an interesting thought. Do our friendships influence our monthly cycle? If they don’t does that mean we aren’t as close as we should be, or not spending enough time together?

Many people believe that when women spend lots of time together, such as living together, their menstruation cycles will sync and the women will begin their period within days of each other, if not beginning and ending precisely on the same day?! Apparently this has something to do with the pheromones produced, so we smell each other into bleeding?! Lol

I can’t say for sure if this would be a good thing for female friendships or not. On the one hand, if it were true, each of you would be much more understanding of the other… On the other hand however, PMS at the same time sounds like a recipie for trouble!

By the time my mother was making an announcement to welcome me into the world of womanhood because I had experienced my first period (quite literally, at the dinner table with family friends?! Cringe. Thanks Mum! Lol) she herself was facing the early signs of menopause. (Maybe I should have made an equally inappropriate announcement for her?! Haha) As I don’t have sisters, I never experienced this syncing of cycles when I lived at home.

When I moved out of home with my best friend at the time, we still didn’t sync. She was irregular and I was like clockwork, on the 13th of the month, naturally! It did happen occasionally that we would bleed at the same time, but as it was so infrequent that we put it down to coincidence, despite making jokes about the world being doomed if we did sync. Maybe we just weren’t close enough, although we did spend lots of time together. Perhaps we didn’t spend enough time smelling each other?! Hahahaha

Eventually though, we became more than friends. And even as we embarked on a romantic livein relationship for years, where we were very close, it still didn’t happen. I have never experienced this syncing. Not then and not now. Not with any of my friends. So in my own experience, this is a myth.

That said, I know women who swear by it. Best friends, roommates, sisters, mothers and daughters and even colleagues who claim to have synced with one another and proudly proclaim to be bloody buddies! One friend even refers to herself as a “follower” claiming she quickly follows the cycle of anyone she is close to.

This begs the question though, what if you are close to more than one friend? Maybe that has been my issue, close to too many women to choose?  I guess it is possible I have actually synced with a few, but never known. I have friends who always openly discuss their monthly and some who seem to feel it would be uncouth to mention.

Recently I came across as somewhat creepy to a friend of mine experiencing fertility issues, as she was saying she couldn’t remember the date of her last period and needed it for a medical form or something. Without thought I easily recalled the date of her last period, mostly because she happened to do something significant that day and was mildly annoyed by her monthly visitor getting in the way. (I am a good listener and I remember the details ok?! Don't judge me!)  At first she said “Oh, that’s right!.... then her eyes narrowed as her gaze uncomfortably shifted to me with a confused look on her face and she exclaimed “Why would you remember that?!” haha *Awkward!*

Just because I haven’t experienced it yet, doesn’t mean it isn’t real…. I guess I still have time to find out…. I hope….. My daughter is only 6 so we have hopefully quite some time before I test the live in theory again. To be honest, I hope it doesn’t happen. If it does, I think my husband and my son best take up residence someplace else for a few weeks a month, because I don’t envy them in the crossfire I imagine! Lol Either way, the puberty versus menopause hormone battle wasn’t pretty either, so plan ahead guys! haha

I don’t know if I believe this phenomenon is fact or fiction. Coincidence is my best guess. If it is fact, perhaps my pheromones are weak, or bleeding to the beat of their own drum, but what I do know for sure is that whenever I go on holiday, have a birthday, anniversary, stay at a hotel or have an event I am looking forward to I will get my period. That is a FACT!

What are your experiences?  Do you have a blood buddy? Are you a pheromone leader or a follower?
Do you believe it is symbolic of your closeness or lack thereof if it doesn’t happen?

Do tell!!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Situational friendings and endings.

Friendships can be complicated. There are friends you love to hate and friends you hate to love. There are unhealthy friendships that should probably end but that live on no matter how hard you try to kill them and there are friendships you love and value that end. This can be especially confusing and heart breaking, regardless of if you were the one who ended the friendship or not.

Some friendships are situational, like working together, and some endings are situational too. Not too sure what I mean? Hmm. Let’s say for example your best friend is your drinking buddy, but you decide to get sober. No matter how much you love her, she (unintentionally or not) makes you want to drink and get crazy. Chances are, if you want it to or not, the friendship will end.  Or, maybe your friend consistently asks you for favours you don’t want to do, like feeding her pet while she’s away, or watching her kids, or helping her do her housework…. Although you enjoy quality time with her, it seems that is never what you get, and the only way to get away from the situation may be to lose your friend. Alternatively you might have a friend who has become so vague, distant and cold that you have to dump her to stop the anxiety that is eating you up inside, even though you really didn't want it to end. You might find you have unreciprocated romantic feelings for a friend and spending time with them is just too difficult to bare knowing they don’t feel the same way and probably never will. Or a friend may confide something to you that you wish they hadn’t because now it has put you in an extremely awkward position causing you to feel disloyal to one party if you tell, or disloyal to another if you don’t.  These are just some of the reasons you may find yourself ending a friendship when you actually do like the person involved. I am sure there are many more. The point is that a situation arose that caused a need to exit, not any bad feelings necessarily, per se. 

We have this way of assuming that if a friendship ends, it was never meaningful to begin with. It just isn’t true. I have experienced all the situations above, and I loved every single one of those friends dearly. I miss them as people and I am sad that we couldn’t continue on. However if any of those people were back in my life at this time, I strongly believe the situation would follow them, and I can’t be in those situations anymore. It’s not healthy and it only breeds resentment.

It’s not that any one of these people were bad people, they weren’t. They were good people, and close friends; it’s just that, for whatever reason, we aren’t compatible at this time in our lives. It really sucks that a situation could end a friendship. Ending a friendship with someone hurts, even if you are the one ending it. People don’t seem to understand this. I know I have badly hurt and confused some people I love because of this lack of understanding. They think it was easy for me to walk away. That I didn't care and never did. That I didn't hurt. Or worse still they blame themselves. I hate the thought of these women thinking that there was something wrong with them. That there was one specific thing that they said or did wrong that caused me to abandon them. Questioning the validity of our entire friendship. It was real!

If you were a friend that I walked away from. I’m sorry. Please know that. Please know I think of you, I miss you, and I still have love for you in my heart. Please know that it wasn’t that you failed me in some way. You are good enough just the way you are. (If you weren't pretty fab we never would have been friends in the first place! ) You will have more meaningful friendships in your life, and you are loved by many. I have been in your shoes. I do know how much I hurt you. I didn’t want to and believe me I tried not to. I tried to tolerate the situation. I tried to talk to you about it. I tried to change it, I even tried to ignore it, but in the end I had to free myself from a situation that included you. It wasn't easy or pleasurable for me.

I didn’t enjoy hurting you and I lost something just as special as you did when I walked away. I do feel terribly guilty for hurting you the way I did. I don't blame you. Whatever the situation, I played my part, all situations are somewhat co-created. I'm sorry for that too. I know you probably strongly disagree, but I need to point out that I’m not a bad person either. I never set out to hurt you. I didn’t know we wouldn’t last… However, does a friendship have to last forever to prove meaningful? I don’t think it does. I learned things from all of you. I hope you took something positive away from our friendship too.

The worst thing about this situation as it stands is that you probably hate me now for walking away…. But the best thing about situational endings is that situations change. I hold hope in my heart that someday our situations will realign and we can once again enjoy time together as friends without the negativity of the past haunting us. Time has a splendid way of changing people and things. Until then, my (former) friends; just know that you are in my heart, and my thoughts and I hope you are happy.

Just because you miss someone, doesn’t mean they should still be in your life 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

To Speak, or Not to Speak?

Reading an interesting article in ‘The Washington Post News’ by Deborah Tannen on 07 August 2017, about the ways women communicate with one another, brought up an interesting topic about conflict and resolution between women. While we are considered more emotionally articulate than our male counterparts…. That can be the exact reason we don’t always get along, and in extreme cases the reason that causes some women to only invest in male friendships.

Let’s look at it this way… If you have done something to upset a woman, regardless of your relationship with her, you are more likely to be prompted into a conversation about it than under the same circumstances with a man. Men are not encouraged to discuss how they feel, and to be fair, do seem to be less easily emotionally expressive (in a negative or positive context.) It is harder to upset a man in general, and if you do, he may say or do absolutely nothing about it. He is unlikely to dwell on it and much more likely to just get over it and get on with things regardless.

A woman on the other hand, while she may not say anything directly, will almost always display her displeasure in some way. Women with a direct conversational style will more likely tell you what you have done and how she feels about it. Someone with a more emotionally expressive style, while less direct, may tell you how she feels while struggling to articulate exactly what it is that you did to make her feel that way, and a lady with an indirect style will likely create distance and space…. At least until her feelings on the matter lessen. The thing with feelings, expressed or not, is that they seem to flow in cycles where they first appear, simmer, peak and then dissipate.

While one woman feels direct communication is the way to resolution, another may perceive this as too confrontational, and unhelpful labelling of one another can occur. The need of women to discuss feelings can be seen as “dramatic” – however is only usually perceived that way by the accused. We very seldom see ourselves as dramatic, but expressing valid emotion; however we can be quick to label someone else expressing themselves to us as such, particularly if we are defensive or disagree with the feelings of the other person.

I have noticed in a few of my friends, and to be fair they do seem more socially successful (even if less invested) a tendency never to speak directly to the person in question about their upset feelings. Instead they take space from that person for a time, never in an unfriendly manner, until they have had enough time to “get over” whatever it was that upset them. After which time the friendship will simply resume, although not always at the same intensity level as before. It is all very amicable.

However I have tried this approach myself, and failed. Perhaps it is the type of women I am drawn to, or the type of close friendships we build, but almost every single time I employ this strategy I am met with demands from the other person to explain my withdrawal… however subtle or gradual I try to make it. It is possible my other friends encounter this too, I’ll have to ask them and report back, however I have always felt uncomfortable with this. The way I see it, you have 2 choices. The first one is to lie and tell them everything is fine, when you both know it isn’t, and the second one is to be frank and honest. Almost conclusively leading to “dramatic” confrontation and more times than not an equally theatrical ending. Friendship exit stage left.

So if the key is in staying silent, how does that flow over into reconciliations? As someone who has indeed suffered the ending of a fair few friendships, I have also come to experience a fair few reconciliations; at which point we are again faced with the question – to speak or not to speak? At least half of the friendships that have survived the “drama” in my life, have revived themselves, almost without a word.

Consider that a friendship ends, and the 2 women stop speaking for a period of weeks, months or even years. After which time, each of you has let go of the negative feelings that caused the upset to begin with. One woman will often reach out to the other in a friendly manner. It may be to say hello, it may be to express that she has missed her friend, or it may be to share with her something of interest for example. While words are spoken, the falling out, and what caused it is largely unspoken, and if enough time has passed, it may be more comfortable to leave it that way. The friendship can resume as if nothing ever happened. The friendship is spoken, but the reconciliation remains silent.

If one friend contacts another with an apology after a falling out, she runs the risk of a rejection. And she also runs the risk of refreshing all the negativity that both people experienced with the original drama. Therefore it may seem easier and all around better for everyone if it is not spoken about. My question though, becomes, without discussing it, how will you prevent the same issues from repeating themselves? If the original conflict is never actually resolved per se, how can the friendship be resolved?

Once again, one party may be keen to speak about things while the other finds this need to communicate dramatic. Can the friendship be resumed after a falling out without speaking about things? Yes. Can the friendship survive though, or is it in for more of the same drama? Time will tell but I know where I’d place my money!

What have your experiences been? Do you speak up and hold your friends accountable, or do you keep quiet when a friend has upset or hurt you in some way? Have you told one friend she upset you while accusing another friend of causing drama for the same thing? Are the women who exclusively prefer men friends on the right track, or are they simply avoiding accountability? Think about it honestly. Leave your comments here or on Facebook and tell me what you think. 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Friends with benefits

Ok, so most people have heard of the expression “friends with benefits” in this day and age, but for those of you who don’t quite understand what it means; the benefits of the equation are usually those associated with sexual pleasure. The informal definition is: a friend with whom one has an occasional and casual sexual relationship.  (Note, all physically intimate behaviours including cuddling and kissing fall into this category, although many people use other terms such as cuddle buddy, fun friend, kissing companion etc…)

The occasional nature of this arrangement can be questionable as many people I know participating in such “friendships” are intimate with high frequency, however it is the casual nature of the arrangement that defines it as a friendship rather than a relationship. Although it may seem like a relationship on the surface, there is a lack of commitment for long term prospects. Assuming that both parties like and respect one another, it can seem like a rewarding choice that asserts 2 people as individuals rather than 2 people coming together to live one life. It may well be the way of the future.

That said, we aren’t there yet. In a society that still values monogamy and marriage to a startling degree, most people will eventually find one person to settle down and share one life with. Unfortunately for many, this doesn’t usually happen concurrently with your “fun friend.” More often than not, this leaves at least one person in the equation suddenly tossed to the side while the other moves on to someone they essentially liked better. Naturally this can happen in established romantic relationships too, however at least when it does, the wounded party is allowed to grieve the loss and the leaving party is expected to offer an explanation.

In my own personal experiences of these “friendships” they tend to go one of 2 ways. The first way is when one person claims friendship, but offers little more than sex, usually on his or her terms only, most likely when they have exhausted all other avenues. Both people feel like they are getting a benefit, but in reality only one of them is.  Essentially there is no friendship. No hanging out, no dinners or dates or meeting the friends and family. There is booty calls. Lots of them. It is kinder in this circumstance, and more effective, to call you a “cuddle buddy” than a back up plan, but essentially that is what you are. In almost all of these cases one person has romantic interest, and is waiting for the other to finally wake up and see how wonderful they really are, while the other person has literally zero intention of ever moving you into anything but second best. Let’s be honest… they don’t have to. Do yourselves a favour ladies, if you are in this second place position in someone’s life, don’t get pregnant to them. Lesson learned! Lol Rolls eyes. (My son is a blessing, but he has never met his father, who claims “I have no son.” Great friend he turned out to be. Ugh.)

The other way this situation plays out is that the 2 people are like best friends. They do everything together and tell each other everything. They may be dating other people, but even when they are dating other people, they are still sleeping with each other too, making external romantic potential extremely limited. This works extremely well for a time for both the people involved. They get to hold on to a sense of independence while also enjoying couple privilege. Need a plus one? No worries. Feeling sexually frustrated? Not a problem. Feeling lonely? Not usually. Everybody wins, and even if they are dating other people romantically, essentially nobody compares to the “friend.” Until someone does. Then what? This situation has 2 likely outcomes. One where, without explanation the now coupled party withdraws the affection from the friendship, and often also slowly withdraws the emotional intimacy and time spent together too. It is expected that the former fun friend will accept this change without question and happily encourage the new relationship. No thought is given to the hole that has been suddenly left in the life of the person remaining single, as they silently start to question the validity of the past intimacy and the meaning of the “friendship.” If they do dare express grief at the sudden loss and abandonment felt, they can expect to be slapped in the face with the very same reality that they once embraced – there was never any commitment, they were only friends all along. It suddenly becomes clear how misleading this was, because while they said friends, they were not acting like friends.

The kinder way that scenario tends to play out is when the now coupled party gently ends the physical aspect of the relationship with the friend. They are sensitive to the feelings of the other party and offer assurances that they can still be friends as a “three” (not usually sexual, although…) and that it is in everyone’s best interest because they couldn’t go on forever and the abandoned party will now be “more available” for potential romance for him or herself. Although the friendship continues, the abandoned party often responds as in the first scenario and realizes that she had secretly had romantic hopes and desires all along, and feels a crushing rejection, only made worse by the continued friendship and having to watch someone else have what she had and pretend to be happy about it.

While the whole friends with benefits seems beneficial at first, in the long run it usually doesn’t play out kindly. They say the trouble with trouble is that it starts out as fun! Friendships work better when there is no physical intimacy involved, and when there is, they work better when you define them as what they are - Relationships! Whatever your situation or the reasons you’ve told yourself that you’re happy there, 'benefits' are nothing more than crumbs. You deserve the whole loaf, so have the courage to say so and go and find it, before someone gets hurt. Probably you!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

Is your friendship written in the stars?

Reading this article “Friends ranked best to worst based on their zodiac” posted on www.ideaspot.com by Kirsten Corely from Thought Catalogue inspired me to put together my own piece based on zodiac. Much of it is based from information from this website, combined with my experiences of people I know from each sign! This is just a bit of harmless entertainment, so it doesn’t matter if you believe in astrology or not. Are you compatible with your friends, or are you astrological "enemies" with your bestie?!!  Let me know if it’s accurate! Enjoy!
 

Aries: Aries make friends easily, as they are fun and adventurous. Although considered bossy, and prone to bouts of jealousy and selfishness, Aries make friends for life. *Mostly. They take good care of their friends, but also make sure their friends are interesting and can offer Aries something in return for the strength and solidarity they offer. If not, that may be when that *Mostly clause kicks in! Beware! Aries has the sharpest tongue of all the signs!

Best Friends: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini and Aquarius
 

Friends:  Aries, Taurus and Pisces
 

Better as acquaintances: Capricorn, Libra and Cancer

Enemies: Scorpio and Virgo

Taurus: Taurus people are very charming, stable and supportive and tend to crave and attract group friendships. Because friendship is so important to them, they offer very loving and often intense friendships, and they are great at giving advice. It takes time to win them over, but once you do, you will be well rewarded…. So long as you can tolerate a stubborn and at times materialistic attitude, and aren’t too sensitive. Taurus people can be blunt (insensitive) and cannot tolerate perceived weakness. They can be a bit possessive too in extremes.

Best Friends: Pisces, Cancer, Virgo and Capricorn

Friends: Aries, Taurus and Gemini
 

Better as acquaintances: Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius

Enemies: Libra and Sagittarius

Gemini: Gemini’s make charming, witty, exciting and lively friends, who are always there to help a friend in need. As the most sociable of all the signs, they attract a large and diverse range of friends. They usually don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story! They are drawn to intelligence in friends, however cannot stand indiscipline, it makes them irritable. They can also be somewhat impatient.

Best Friends: Aries, Leo, Libra and Aquarius
 

Friends:  Gemini, Taurus, Cancer, Sagittarius,
 

Better as acquaintances: Capricorn and Scorpio

Enemies: Virgo and Pisces

Cancer: Although choosy with making friends, Cancer people consider you more like family and will be very (over) protective of you! They are the most loving and caring sign, and can always be called upon in any situation. Once bitten, twice shy though, the Cancer friend will retreat into its shell when hurt, and may never return, so be careful the first time around! You won’t get many second chances! They are highly sensitive and ruled by emotion. They may also be intrusive, however well intentioned.

Best Friends: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio and Pisces
 

Friends:  Cancer, Gemini, Leo and Capricorn
 

Better as acquaintances: Aries and Libra

Enemies: Sagittarius and Aquarius

Leo: While they don’t make friends easily, they are the most regal of the signs, known for their generosity, loyalty and usually sweet warm disposition. Leo’s take pride in their friendships, are very supportive, and have great organization and leadership skills. However they do not like to share, not the limelight and not their friends! They expect reciprocation in similar measures as they give! Somewhat needy, constant praise and gifts won’t go astray as they are very egocentric! Leo can become quite arrogant and have a fiery temper, which may be why they tend to only have small amounts of friends at a time. That and because they give so much to their friendships. Leo is the first to recognise an unhealthy or unbalanced friendship and won't tolerate these or other transgressions, perceived or real. 

Best Friends: Gemini, Libra, Aries and Sagittarius
 

Friends:  Leo, Cancer and Virgo
 

Better as acquaintances: Scorpio, Taurus and Aquarius

Enemies: Capricorn and Pisces

Virgo: Virgo friends are the most loyal of the zodiac. They are charming and possess high emotional intelligence which makes them great at understanding and supporting friends. They expect 100% loyalty from friends, as it takes them longest to trust and form meaningful friendships. Virgo’s are most prone to low self-esteem issues and as such will not tolerate any form of embarrassment from you. They are drawn to the more grandiose signs, happy to be a wing man. Misunderstood, their worried nature is often misconstrued as critical (and yes, sometimes it is!) This can make it hard for them to form lifelong friendships. Virgo is one of only 2 signs to appear as someone’s “enemy” 3 times and one of only 2 signs to appear as a “best friend” only 3 times. (With most other signs appearing 4 times as a “best friend” and twice as an “enemy.”) This is indicative of their social struggle, luckily they tend to be introverted and enjoy quiet time alone.

Best Friends: Cancer, Scorpio, Taurus and Capricorn
 

Friends:  Virgo, Leo and Libra
 

Better as acquaintances: Sagittarius, Gemini and Pisces

Enemies: Aries and Aquarius

Libra: Open honest and friendly, Libra friends tend to be extroverted and highly social, almost always surrounded by a group of friends. They are the most devoted friend on the zodiac, and as such ranked first on the abovementioned article! They make great counsellors and are always giving advice to friends… when they aren’t too busy partying! On the darker side, they are prone to being manipulative, indolent, irritable and aggressive. As they have larger circles, they won’t tolerate neediness, and will require a lot of space, both personal space and space within your friendship. Although highly social they are independent at heart so don’t expect to hear from them too much… unless it’s another party invitation!

Best Friends: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini and Aquarius
 

Friends:  Libra, Virgo and Scorpio
 

Better as acquaintances: Capricorn, Aries and Cancer

Enemies: Pisces and Taurus

Scorpio: Scorpio’s traditionally prefer to keep a smaller group of friends, because they are private and secretive, believing that true friendship lies in the shared intimacies of life. (Get your mind out the gutter!) They don’t open up to many, but are extremely generous with those to whom they do. They are very hospitable and close friends will be treated more like a family member than a friend.  However, they are only prone to one or two lifelong friends, and tend to be the most relaxed in accepting that friendships come and go… this could be because they can be moody, quick tempered and ruthless! They become easily possessive and suspicious and once they feel betrayed or disrespected, you are dead to them! Forgiveness does not come easily, and they will not hesitate to end the friendship! That said, they are one of only 2 signs to appear only once as an “enemy” and sit with Virgo in only appearing as a “best friend” 3 times. Most people to the Scorpio will be neither a friend nor an enemy, and some may feel safer keeping it that way!

Best Friends: Virgo, Capricorn, Cancer and Pisces
 

Friends:  Scorpio, Libra and Sagittarius
 

Better as acquaintances: Aquarius, Leo and Taurus

Enemies: Aries and Gemini

Sagittarius: Sagittarius people will enthusiastically and even aggressively seek out lots of friends with relative ease. They are eccentric, dynamic and adventurous, and are drawn to easy going sorts, from a wide variety of people. Communication skills are of utmost importance to them! They struggle to form many deep or close friendships and as such will treasure and hold on tight to the ones they do have. They hold most people at a distance, and are not the best at keeping a confidence! It could be joked that they like the sound of their own voice, and can even be somewhat preachy at times. On the plus side, if they upset you, they are more than willing to talk it out!

Best Friends: Libra, Aquarius, Aries and Leo
 

Friends:  Sagittarius, Scorpio and Capricorn
 

Better as acquaintances: Pisces, Virgo and Gemini

Enemies: Cancer and Taurus

Capricorn: Capricorn’s are said to be the most trustworthy of the signs. At first glance they seem hard and stubborn, which can be extremely intimidating for many of the other signs, however once you get to know them (and EARN their trust) you will find that they are caring, generous, loyal and loving friends. The type you can always turn to in hard times, they can be maternal or paternal towards friends in a way. They value stable lifelong commitments from their friendships and give just that! They can be poor judges of character and often pay the price for this, often finding themselves surrounded with false friends. However their own preachy nature and ambitious drive also makes them prone to using people to get what they want. As they love a challenge (and challenging people) they can find themselves drawn like a moth to a flame! They do like a debate here and there too, so be warned. All that said they also appear with Scorpio as one of only 2 signs who are an enemy only once and do appear as a best friend four times, so they tend to get along with most of us just fine!

Best Friends: Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus and Virgo
 

Friends:  Capricorn, Sagittarius and Aquarius
 

Better as acquaintances: Aries, Libra and Cancer

Enemies: Gemini and Leo

Aquarius: An Aquarius will have many a friend, but feel close to only a select few. Friendship is precious to them and they treat it, and their friends as such, with a caring and thoughtful nature.  They are always open to new friendships, but will always gravitate to those with high morals, values and intellect.  Their own strict moral compass may make others feel inferior and they may be labelled as demanding. They expect to be given priority in all relationships including friendships. They can come across as cold or aloof, preferring to focus on their own life, goals and problems than those of others. They may be considered lacking in empathy. Independence is high on their values list too, so if their freedom feels threatened the friendship will be easily discarded. They will do anything for a friend, as long as it was their choice, don’t ask! They don’t take kindly to being dictated to! (Then again, who does?!)

Best Friends: Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini and Libra
 

Friends:  Aquarius, Capricorn and Pisces
 

Better as acquaintances: Leo, Taurus and Scorpio

Enemies: Cancer and Virgo

Pisces: Pisces is an emotional sign. Friends born in Pisces are the most empathetic, sympathetic and gentle of the zodiac. They are the best shoulder to lean on when the going gets tough… and they won’t be the ones that get going in these times! They are very emotionally involved and in tune with their friends, however if they don’t feel their friends are in tune with them emotionally they can take it hard. They get easily lost in their own emotions, and can turn cool quickly. Great at keeping secrets, they can be trusted as lifelong friends. They feel an overwhelming need to help others and may find themselves drawn to those in need. Prone to overwhelming insecurities, with a need to please others leaves them craving constant reassurance from their friends.

Best Friends: Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer and Scorpio
 

Friends:  Pisces, Aries and Aquarius
 

Better as acquaintances: Virgo, Gemini and Sagittarius

Enemies: Leo and Libra

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Signs of an unhealthy friendship

You don’t look forward to your time together. One or both of you usually cancel or make excuses, and more often than not it ends up with “let’s catch up soon” but you hardly ever do.

Time drags. When you do spend time talking or getting together you can’t wait for it to be over. When it is over you feel drained, exhausted, annoyed, angry, used, sad, confused or otherwise upset.

It feels heavily one sided. You don’t feel listened to, heard or understood by your friend anymore, or like she cares what is happening in your life. To be fair you don’t care that much about her crappy problems either!

There’s too much talk of trouble and problems. You never seem to just have fun anymore. You feel more like a therapist than a friend, often only seeking each other out in times of crisis rather than for enjoyable company.

The silences aren’t comfortable. When neither of you is in crisis, you struggle for conversation.

You don’t have much in common anymore. Maybe you were super close when you were both single, or working for the same company or living next door, but things have changed, and you actually don’t care that much.

You talk negatively about each other to your other friends, or heard that she has been talking about you.

You compete with each other and never seem genuinely happy for one another. If one of you has some happy news the other is jealous and tries to “one up” her, while you are secretly pleased at failures or misfortunes.

You don’t trust each other. You keep more secrets than you share, and there are more lies than truths between you.

A fight would be a relief, because it’s quicker, but you’re hoping for the slow fade out. That way you never have to have the awkward conversation where you state that you are officially no longer friends and avoid those triggering feelings of rejection and explaining why you don’t like each other anymore. Just because you’re not really friends doesn’t mean you want to seem unfriendly.

If your friendship is unhealthy but you don't want to let it go, just work on making your time together fun and enjoyable again. It doesn't have to be the end... unless you want it to be! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 signs of a healthy friendship

You look forward to your time together; it doesn’t matter if you saw her yesterday or last year, you are always excited to see each other.

You keep up to date with one another’s lives. You know the details, not just the big things.

You both share your secrets, leaving each of you feeling heard, understood and valued. No Judgement!

You have ‘inside’ jokes. The kind that make you both spontaneously start laughing when you see something, and nobody else gets why it’s funny.

You laugh together.

But you’re also always there for the serious stuff and you genuinely want to help however you can.

You support, encourage, trust and empower each other. You don’t compete, and if you feel jealousy occasionally, as we all do, you ask one another for tips on how to make your own life that extra bit special.

You prioritise your friendship, regardless of what other relationships and responsibilities you have in your life.

You are honest with each other. It doesn’t matter if it is when one of you has broccoli in your teeth, or is battling with abuse or addiction; one way or another you find a gentle and supportive way of telling each other the truth.

Lastly, you forgive each other. It doesn’t matter if you had a falling out that lasted minutes or years; in the end you know you will forgive, because you trust that the incident was a miscommunication or a mistake, and you know nobody is perfect. We all need a little forgiveness sometimes.

Did I miss anything? Let me know! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to get back on the same page; When YOU are too busy

We all tend to lead such busy lives these days, particularly as we enter our thirties and forties. Many of us find ourselves working, raising children, managing relationships and family commitments. As much as we feel we love and value our friends, we just don’t have time to nurture that connection. This seems reasonable to us, and we will actively justify this as a circumstance rather than acknowledge it as a choice.

Hopefully because your friendship is worth it and equally beneficial! 

Priorities are called into question here, as no matter how busy we are, at the end of the day we can always make time for something we REALLY want to do. We may be guilty of only making time for our friends when we need something from them – favours, a listening ear, to borrow something, or to utilize a contact of theirs etc…. Sometimes we may actively realise we have neglected this friendship when we discover it could be useful for us. We may experience pangs of guilt, and make an effort at the friendship again before we broach what it is that we really want…. Unfortunately we don’t always keep up that same effort after the fact.

Sometimes we may only realise we have neglected a friendship when we need someone and they are not there for us. Or when we see them experiencing meaningful connections with others and feel the pangs of jealousy and exclusion. Sadly there are times when we don’t even notice we have neglected a friendship at all. We may simply say they just “drifted away” – which is rarely the case. Each of you made a choice to stop putting in effort to your friendship.

So what can you do if you recognize in your situation that you have been too busy, but genuinely feel too busy to actively make time for your friends? The first step in solving any problem is identifying it, so congratulations on taking the first step. We cannot change what we do not acknowledge. Your next step is to physically write a list of how you are spending your time each day. Once you have done that, highlight some time that you could use more effectively.

Maybe you like to watch your favourite show each week? Do your friends like it too? Why not make it your regular thing you do together, and you can catch up and chat in the ads? If you find an hour here or there just isn’t really enough to catch up with your friends, or doesn’t match up with the hour here or there that they can find, perhaps dedicate that time to communicating with them. You could give them a quick call, or commit to sending one friend a week a detailed email catching them up on your news and showing interest in theirs. Without communication you have nothing, so keep up the communication!

Now it would be wise to look at the people who do get your social time and communication. Who makes you happiest? Who would you want to spend your time on? Who would you miss if they weren’t in your life in years to come and who meets your needs the best? Sometimes we find we are spending more time on the less important people for whatever reason and less time on the important ones. This doesn't add up, so make sure your action is in line with your preferences and priorities. 

The next thing you can do, once you have identified which friends are worth the extra effort to you, is get organised! Do some research, and plan for your friends upcoming events. Know which ones she celebrates, and which ones are important to her. When is her birthday? Her anniversary? Her child’s birthday? What should you get? When can you plan to get together with her to celebrate? If you plan these things in advance, not only does it show that you were thinking of her and it was important to you, it also ensures you carve out that time for her so you MAKE yourself free.  If you have mutual friends you could also suggest inviting them along too, a great way to capitalize on the social event. As an added bonus, if you make the effort for them, you can look forward to reciprocation on your special days too!

The last thing you should do is think about the future. When the kids are grown, and you are retired, how much of what you are investing your time in right now will still be important then? You will need your friends again uncomfortably soon, and if you do not put in the effort now, who will still be around then? Will it be easy to make new friends in older age? While I hope you will continue to make new friends at every age and stage of life, there are a precious few for whom you should make the time. You will be glad you did. Being healthy today usually leads to being happy tomorrow. This is true of our physical health, mental health and relationship health. You do the maths!

Remember it is not the journey or the things we accumulate along the way that really matter. At the end of the day it’s who you have shared it with and who you continue to share it with. 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ownership and friend poaching.

Friend Poaching, as described by the urban dictionary, is “when one friend befriends another through your introduction, soon putting more effort into that person than you do, simultaneously making you seem less desirable and devaluing both your original friendships. This can happen consciously or unconsciously.”

Triads are ok but triangles are not!

This is a topic I am all too familiar with. I have had friends poached and indeed I have poached friends. However for the first time in my life I find myself in the situation of potentially being poached myself.

Side A of the story is that there were 2 of you and you were close and things were great. Then one of you introduced the other to another friend. They hit it off and then there were 3. It's all so fabulous!.... Until you find out that old friend and new friend have hit it off and started hanging out without you. You suspect they are closer to each other than either one of them is to you. This hurts! You have gone from having 2 close friends to feeling like you have none; while they have each other. You scold yourself for having juvenile feelings of jealousy and do your best to remind yourself that you do not “own” either of your friends and they are welcome to have relationships with people outside of you. Yet you cannot shake the feelings of hurt and exclusion, and wondering what is wrong with you that they didn’t want you along, and paranoid thoughts that they are discussing you and laughing behind your back. It is pretty hard to feel close to either of them as your insecurity eats away at your friendships and your self-esteem. 

I have been person on side A often enough to know how crippling this type of pain can be. It is probably the worst position to be in, and if you find yourself here, I suggest you take steps to ensure you feel the same quality bond you felt with both people before, separate from the other, if you can. Hanging out in a group is important in the triad friendship, but more important is quality time with the people in question individually, so you feel secure that they each still like and value you. If one or both of them have suddenly stopped having as much time for you, this will hurt. However instead of taking it personally you must be objective and realise they are now dividing their time between more people than they were before and that is going to mean a bit less for you. Enjoy the time that they do still offer and keep in mind that all friendships go through a honeymoon phase, then wax and wane after that as people’s lives change and grow. Their new friendship has nothing to do with you. And it too will wax and wane!

Nobody wants to feel this way! 

Side B of the story is told by the “outsider”. If you are on side B, you were not one of the original pair. You had a friend, but you understood they had another friend of equal or greater closeness to you. At some point your friend said “Hey, you know what? I think you and my other friend would really get along; we should all hang out sometime?” And so you do. And your friend was right, you really do get along with their friend. And that is where it starts getting complicated. Are you allowed to see your friends friend without your friend being present? At what point are you allowed to call this new person a friend of your own rather than a friend of a friend? Will your friend be upset if you like their friend more than you like them? Should you hold off on discussing your mutual friend with your new friend? Is it disrespectful to actively pursue a hard and fast friendship with this person? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you proclaim closeness with each other?

I have also been on side B of this story at least once in my life that I can clearly identify. I can tell you this was the easiest side to be on. On this side you are pretty excited to have made a new friend, and even if you aren’t spending as much time with your other friend now as you were before, (due to spending it with this new friend,) you wont really notice because there is no hole in your life. It feels (for you) like a gain and not like a loss. My suggestion for you is to be very sensitive towards the feelings of both parties, and how your new friendship/s with them might take away from their friendship with each other. I know you are eager to know if you can call this person a friend of your own, and you can, but keep in mind when there are 3 people involved and only 2 hang out… that 3rd person is probably quietly feeling excluded. Make sure you are still engaging with your original friend; she did you a favour in introducing you to her other friends, and she doesn’t want a thank you in the form of you guys wandering off and forgetting her! She liked you both and she still does. The friendships were valuable to her and you may be taking something away from her. Make time for both people, separately and together. Everyone needs to feel valuable and liked. Remember at some point it will be you on the sidelines… nobody misses a turn on that merry go round in a triangular friendship. 

Then there is side C. I may have been on this side before and just never noticed perhaps, but this is the first time I have acutely felt like I am in this position. I am the friend in the middle. I am the friend Side A was close to and then introduced me to side B. Side B and I get along well and I have been excited to get to know her and spend time with her. And it is possible my friendship with Side B has upset Side A. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I love side A. I still try and make sure I keep up to date with Side A’s life and engage her and spend time with her without side B. I try hard not to discuss side B with side A or discuss side A with side B. Still, I have become aware that my budding closeness with side B is hurting side A. To be honest I really don’t know what to do about this. It was never my intention that side A would feel excluded, and I wonder if I have crossed a line by nurturing a private friendship with side B. I hate that my friendship with side B hurts side A. Yet I do not regret this circumstance because I have gained so much from having Side B in my life. Does this make me a terrible person... or just a terrible friend? I don't know. I do know I have to move carefully from here to protect and nurture both friendships, neither at the expense of the other. Side A may feel that side B is poaching me from her, and I am allowing it. Worse still that I may be encouraging it... Of course this notion that I belong to her is uncomfortable for me – but I cannot forget the times I have been in her position and how much it hurts. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean I am willing to give up my exclusive friendship with either of them so the issue I know will continue to crop up.

Right now this is the spot that I am in, allowing myself to be poached somewhat while still trying to remain loyal. It is a precarious position to be in. Alas, if you have ever had a triad friendship you will know that the tables will indeed turn and I will be back to a different position before I have figured out how to maintain the balance and keep the peace. Do triad friendships exist, or is it always in some way a poaching exercise in progress?

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How to get back on the same page; when your friend is too busy.

Ok, so in the last few posts we have explored reading between the lines only to discover that you are not on the same page as your friend at all. It only seems the logical next step is to figure out how to get back on the same page as your friend, rather than let go of the friendship altogether, if you want to, that is.

I don’t write this blog because I know the answers, I write it because I wish to know them and develop a greater understanding as to how things go wrong, with the hope of learning both how to be a better friend, and how to have better friends. When I first started contemplating this blog, I was under the assumption that my sexuality was a big part of the reason I struggled to maintain stable platonic relationships with women… but this blog has helped me identify that friendships are just that – intimate platonic relationships, and sometimes, most times in fact, relationships end, and regardless of sexuality, this is ok!

If you come to a point where you are able to recognize that you are no longer on the same page as your friend, the first question you have to ask yourself is if you actually want to be on the same page. What I mean to say, is do you want to save the friendship? Can you see a way in which you could be on the same page again? (For a great many, the answer may be no.) There will be some friendships that will offer relief when they end, some where you will feel a level of indifference about it, some where it will feel extremely painful but necessary, and some where you will feel like far from being on the same page, that you aren’t even reading the same book and you never were! If you don’t want to fix the friendship, you are not a bad person, and nor is your friend. Perhaps your chapter in each other’s lives have come to a close. For now anyway. Sometimes you may be written back in later. How often do people in soap opera’s come back from the dead? It’s a little bit like that, even if the idea of it seems just as laughable! Lol

A few friendships though, you may feel are too special to not at least try and repair. Some friendships you desperately want to get on the same page again… so how could you achieve this? It seems reasonable that the first thing you need to do is carefully consider your friends circumstance. The worst thing you could do is consider her circumstances a rejection of you personally. If you can look at things objectively, and I know from experience how hard this can be, can you acknowledge that her time is largely taken up by other responsibilities, leaving her little social time? I know, I know, she needs to MAKE time, right? I hear you… but have you clearly asked her to make more time for you? Let’s try and focus on what you can control, as you cannot force your friend to do or say anything.

The next thing to consider is convenience. We all have this annoying tendency to want our friends to be available to us when it is convenient for us. As agreeable as this is when it works, if you want your friend to make time for you when it’s not the most convenient for her, consider if you’d be willing to do the same. If you have some pretty non-negotiable times where you cannot spend time with her, it is only reasonable to allow her the same courtesy. The thing is – you don’t get to judge what is and isn’t non-negotiable for her. She gets to decide that for herself. That might mean that while you would willingly miss your “me time” to spend some social time with her, she may value that “me time” too highly and would not rather sacrifice it. That has to be ok.

If there isn’t many time slots available to you both that would be convenient for spending time together, you have to accept this. The key is to keep communicating. So much of female friendships is determined by who knows what… and who knows first. No matter how busy your friend is, if your friendship is important to you and you want to keep it alive, make sure your friend stays on the “first to know list.” Maybe she isn’t literally first, but don’t let her be last, and don’t let her find out from someone else. This becomes tricky, because sending such communications of important news can be filled with expectations of not only a response, but a particular response.

However you decide to share your news, try very hard to let go of expectation. How and when your friend responds to your news is outside of your control, but in reaching out and sharing, you have played your part. Another way you can play your part, if communicating with a very busy friend – is to be respectful of her time. If you usually stay on the phone with her for at least an hour, you can expect your calls to go unanswered unless she happens to have an hour free at the time you call. Failing that, regardless of if you call or send long winded messages, you may expect responses such as “I’m just a bit busy at the moment, but I’ll get back to you later.” Again it is important to take this at face value and trust that your friend intends to do this. Remind yourself of all the times you have been super busy and meant to get around to something and kept forgetting, even if it was important. Be forgiving if she forgets, and know it is ok to send an update on your situation even if you didn’t get the response you were hoping for.  Alternatively you could also send a gentle reminder such as “This situation is still upsetting me. I know how busy you are and I don’t mean to add to your plate, but I’d really love it if you could make some time to talk to me about this sometime soon.” You have clearly expressed what you want and need, and kept it simple and to the point.

I know, and you’ll know too – by the annoying tendency of my posts to be too long… lol, that I tend to overwhelm busy people with long messages. They may want to reply, but it takes time, (and may turn into a conversation they also don’t have time for!) so I need to respect that they will reply when they have time, and that may be in a month, or they may not even read it until they have time, which can also take a while. If something is important, try to keep it to the point, and then give people time to process what you have said and respond in their own time.

Also remember not to let the friendship get too one sided, always make sure you are checking in on her and what’s been happening in her life no matter what is happening in yours, and check your own responses. Be aware of her needs and how you are meeting them, even if that means respecting her need for more space than you’d prefer.

As I spoke to someone I greatly admire recently, and she spoke of a friend, I asked her if she had not felt let down. She simply replied “My friend does not need that from me, what she needs is love, and I love her.” Perhaps the key, when in a situation where you are not on the same page as your friend, is to love her more, even if you feel she deserves it less, because your friendship needs it.  Patience is a virtue! If your friend seems to need an unspoken “leave of absence” from your life, grant it, and be there to willingly welcome her back when she returns. If you are too busy by then, it will be her turn to wait. Just don’t expect her to wait forever. Outside of death, not much in this life is permanent, not relationships, not friendships, not feelings, not beginnings and not endings. Endure them all with an open heart and mind, the future may surprise you if you are open to it.  Make the effort to first accept she's not on your page, and then try to get on hers.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The rules to friendship are pretty simple at the end of the day:

How do we end up on a different page to a friend?

Thinking about my last post and how an ex friend and I ended because we just weren’t on the same page anymore had me pondering exactly how that could happen. That is what I want to explore today. How do we get off the same page to begin with?

A person’s definition of friendship plays into this. Their definition will be based on their circumstances, experiences and perspectives (which are based on said circumstances and experiences.) For example, people who work or study full time (sometimes both at once) and whom may also have partners, kids, pets, extended family and other extra-curricular activities, obligations and responsibilities that chew heavily into their time, value low maintenance friends who place low demands on them and appreciate the sentiment that no matter how much time has passed it is like nothing has changed. This person’s definition of friendship would fall more in the realm of “2 friends will never part so long as the friendship lives in their hearts.”

People who are less obligated timewise, for instance, people who might be working or studying only part-time, unemployed, retired, raising children at home, or people without romantic relationships or extended family nearby tend to have a higher social need than those listed above. Their definition of friendship would tend to fall more in the realms of “Friends are the family you choose for yourself and family are the people you prioritise and make time for.”

In the case of myself and my ex-friend, she was in the former category and I was in the latter. However, the ironic thing is that our perspective changes with our circumstance and the tables can quickly turn.  In the beginning of what I perceived to be the end of our friendship, I was the person wanting, needing and offering more, while my friend was wanting needing and offering less. I can identify that there was a period in the middle, of a few years, where my circumstances came close to matching hers and that was probably where I reached a level of acceptance and understanding that our friendship fizzled but that it hadn’t been personal. Just as I reached acceptance things started changing again. Weddings, children and moving were all added to the mix.

I guess that’s another thing that plays into circumstance. Distance, and the relationship that shares with expectations. If a friend moves to the other side of the world, you naturally expect to hear from her less, and you may also reach out less. Out of sight out of mind, right? On the other hand if she still lives relatively nearby, you would still reasonably expect her to make the effort. However a half an hour drive might be nothing to you, but may considerably impact your friend’s willingness to come over, and she may assume you feel the same way and not throw out many invitations for fear of inconveniencing you.

This flows nicely into the realms of (mis)communication, languages, and styles. While one friend may base her ideals of friendship on measurable acts of service for one another, another may base it on someone spending time, listening and keeping up to date with the details of each other’s lives. Or one may be direct in communication and the other indirect…. Or 2 indirect people may mishear things in the silences that were not intended.

Circling back to my exfriend and what happened there, originally she wasn’t there for me when I needed her. She was too busy. In time I found other people to turn to; to be there for me. When she needed someone, I was still there for her. So in her experience we were still best friends because I was still meeting her need of me. I was still being her friend. In my experience she wasn’t there. She had stopped being a friend to me. What compacted this, was when we got together she would say “It’s so good that we can go so long without speaking and still be best friends.” Looking back perhaps that was a question and my indirectness and lack of ability to point out that she was far from my best friend anymore, and why, gave her a silent confirmation that I felt the same way. She only realised that I didn’t feel the same way when she experienced it for herself! When she was ready to make the effort, to make time, and she found that I was “too busy.” You’d think that would put us back on the same page, but I had mourned, I had experienced this loss and reached acceptance. She was just beginning.

Except it wasn't malicious the way this implies. It just happened as I reached acceptance! 

As mentioned in my last post, my exfriend was able to acknowledge her part in this on some level and did apologise for being “a bad friend.” Due to her awareness of this fact, she interpreted certain actions, such as me not telling her certain things ‘first’ as a punishment, failing to recall that the reason I stopped telling her originally was because she was too busy to take my calls.  (OMG This was totally pre texting era?! lol) This isn’t about blame. She genuinely was too busy. It is about understanding perspective and the experiences it is born from. Later in the friendship I was upset over feeling excluded, at a certain event, however I see looking back that she had probably felt excluded too from a few things and it was just as painful for her.  We just weren’t on the same page and perhaps we just couldn’t be due to circumstances? Makes me wonder about the importance of time and timing for sure!

At the end of the day though, it's about priorities and communication. As Shasta Nelson from Girlfriend circles recently tweeted “It’s impossible to build a friendship without interaction! Everything else is built on that!” To further this, I’d say it’s impossible to maintain a friendship without interaction even after it is built. Maybe you are too busy to make time to hang out, but if you are too busy to make time to talk? There’s literally nothing else to say. You’re not being a bad friend… you’re not being a friend at all.

In hindsight maybe it didn't have to be that way, but it is how it panned out unfortunately.

All this brings on the next question…. If my life makes no difference without you in it…how close can we be? Make a difference to your friends lives ladies…. By being in it in some way, and letting them share a place in yours.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Reading between the lines…. You DIDN'T say what??!!

This is a painful post that is close to my heart, but I did say I was going to try and be more vulnerable here right? So here goes nothing!

Recently I have recognized my inability to be direct and the value I place on those friends in my life who hear what I am not saying. The ones who read between the lines and address the feelings behind the words. The ones who understand me. The ones who are aware of this: 

It is such a beautiful thing when you meet these people. I’m lucky to have met more than one. I remember the first girl I met, around 14 years old, who came into my world and blew me away. She saw me, heard me and understood me in a way I had never experienced before, and showed me what it was to love and to be loved. I existed to her as if I had never existed before her. It was profound. I can only hope I did the same for her. When you are on the same page as someone in this way, it feels as though your souls have joined hands the way otters do in their sleep so they don’t drift apart. (Awww) I never imagined it would be possible for her and I to drift apart. I could not imagine a future without her in it and I knew she felt the same.  We were friends into our 30’s before it all came crashing down. I guess considering how young we were when we met, it was a pretty good run, but it will always feel, to me at least, unfinished.
...................................................................................................................................................................................
You were one of the most important people in my world, and if you were ever to stumble upon this blog, I know it would pain you not to find yourself directly referenced here. That silence would speak volumes and scream loudly “I don’t care. You didn’t matter.”  If you are reading this, it is not because I didn’t care that I have not written about you, but because I did care. I still do. I could not find the perfect words to honour you and the friendship we shared. It is also true to say that I had trouble articulating what happened exactly because it has taken me this long to fully understand it myself.  This post is for you.  I’m sorry it has taken me this long….

So…..Why did we drift apart in the end? Because while we were still reading between the lines…. We were no longer on the same page…and maybe neither of us realised! When we began we were so in sync. The rest of the world melted away as you and I created a world and language of our own. I smoked my first cigarette with you, shared my love of cheesy 80’s music with you as we serenaded each other into impulse deodorant cans, tasted my first sips of alcohol with you and even shared my first girl on girl kiss with you among other firsts! I know you felt the way I felt and I know (now) how much that scared you. I couldn’t understand it back then, how unexpected that must have been for you. I had my doubts about my heterosexuality already, long before I met you, but you had never questioned yours until then. It shouldn’t have surprised me when you eventually pulled away from me in favour of exploring the male species, but it did surprise me and it did hurt. It hurt because although I never asked you, I thought you were my girlfriend…. And then, suddenly, you weren’t. I guess you didn’t hear what I wasn’t saying, and I didn’t want to hear what you weren’t saying! It wouldn’t be the last time, perhaps, that I refused to hear you.

In time I came to accept that what had felt right for me, hadn’t felt so right for you, and we tried to remain best friends. It was all unspoken, but we struggled to stay on the same page after that. Actually maybe we were never on the same page after that. For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry I scared you. You were open and willing and loving enough to help me discover myself and I will always love you for that. However, this post is not about that. It is about what transpired after that. Or, more to the point… what didn’t.

I didn’t hear what you weren’t saying when your beloved pet died the next year, and I let you down. There were other ways after that we failed one another. These things cracked the foundation at the core of “us” – whatever we were. As life happened and we moved out of home, studied, took partners and jobs, life got more busy and the space growing between us was so loud… for me anyway. I don’t think you heard it now. As you answered my calls less and less, and returned them with alarming infrequency, I heard in your silence “We are not friends anymore. I don’t have time for you. Let it go.” I didn’t want to let you go entirely, so instead we transitioned into Shasta Nelson’s circle 3. While I interpreted this as “us pretending to still be friends from time to time” because there was no bad blood, no reason for a fight, no reason for it to end entirely, I see now that you genuinely still believed us to be 'best friends', while I was grieving the loss of you from my life?! In time acceptance found it’s way into my heart and I no longer cared that “we” were over. I let go emotionally.  This process took a good 5 or 6 years. I was moving on.

Ironically as that happened, as I let go, you finally heard the silence between us. You now, for the first time, heard in my silences “We are not friends anymore. I don’t have time for you. Let it go.” And from that point I failed to read between your lines. I didn’t hear what you weren’t saying. I didn’t take the time to understand and address the emotions behind the words. I wasn’t on the same page. Maybe it felt like I was refusing to hear you, but I was just no longer speaking 'unspokens' with you. I’m so sorry for that.

We fought over trivial things, and we both blamed you for “always making everything about you.” You apologized for being a bad friend and I still didn’t hear you! My indifference must have been loud and painful. Looking back is bittersweet because I can finally see how hard you were trying to get my attention. Trying to get me to show you the love that would maybe have saved “us.” I see that you put real effort into saving us and your silent screams and angry words fell on deaf ears. I can understand how hurt you were by my actions, and the messages I silently sent you when you were not asked to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, or when you were the last to know of a few other things going on in my life etc...  These things confirmed your fears; that we were over, that my soul otter had let go. :( I guess you were right, it had. I didn't fight for you. We couldn't keep fighting anymore. For or against. 

In many ways I suppose I made you watch me replace you. Ouch. Yet it was still a real shock to me, when you ended our friendship, formally?! Lol. Du'h?! Although that was also largely unsaid, I finally heard you. I didn’t understand, but I wanted you to know that I get it now. It was all a miscommunication, a misunderstanding. A reading of subtext which didn’t exist and a mixture of not hearing what wasn’t being said and hearing things that were not said and not intended to be hurtful. If only one of us had said “it feels like we aren’t friends anymore,” instead of blindly pretending that we were in the hopes that we would someday be again. Our timing was all wrong. I’m so sorry. Honestly. I miss you. I think of you. The Virginia Woolf quote springs to mind when I think of you; “I have lost friends, some by death, and some by sheer inability to cross the street.” I’ll never really believe we are over. That is the real reason I haven’t written here about you. I hope one day one of us will find the courage to cross the street. Until then, please know that “Somewhere in my heart I’m always dancing with you in the summer rain.” – Belinda Carlisle. Our friendship lives on in my heart and I remember you fondly and with much love. I hope you are well, and that we will meet again, if not in this lifetime then in the next one.

What will we choose.... it's already been a pretty long pause.... is there an expiry date of the choice?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

If I do cross the street one day, I hope you have left the light on for me! (See what I did there by including another cheesy 80’s Belinda Carlisle reference?! Lol)

What you say and hear versus what you do not say and hear.

So often we are triggered not by what someone says, but what we hear… or what we wanted to hear that we did not hear, regardless of if it was said, or not! Wow! There's a virtual game of twister for you! 

Examples:
Friend says: “I’m busy” – You hear: “You are not a priority.”
You say: “I can’t.” – Your friend hears: “I won’t”
Friend says: “I forgot.” – You hear: “It wasn’t important to me. You are not important to me.”(You wanted to hear "It is as important to me as it is to you, because you are important to me" but the only way to hear that was with the action of not forgetting, not through anything that was ever said, see! The message was in what was not said.) 

I have even found myself in a situation whereby my friend cancelled our plans on me at the last moment and I said “No worries” and she responded with something along the lines of “You don’t even seem to care. I see I am easily replaceable.”

Now if that doesn’t warrant the Ellie Goulding lyric quote “Stop talking in codes.” I don’t know what does! Lol  Clearly what I said and what she heard were not the same thing. I can see where my friend was coming from, but at the same time, I did NOT say that I didn't care, nor that she were replaceable, even though it is what she heard. I could have interpreted her cancellation in the same way and instead of saying “No worries” I could have said “Clearly I am unimportant to you if you can cancel so easily, you don’t care about me or our friendship!” But I wouldn't ever say that..... or would I? Lol Turns out... yes, I would! Having actually been guilty of this almost exact reaction recently with a different friend I felt that it was a timely reminder to post about what we do NOT say and what we DO or DO NOT hear.

Despite women’s reputation for being the great communicators of society, the situations at hand are glaringly obvious miscommunications. Much like the post based on Gary Chapman’s love languages, where I came to realise when you are someone’s friend you have to do it in their own language, women also have differing styles of communication and when you aren’t speaking in the same style, you might hear things that were not said…. Or even fail to hear things that were not said?! Yes, that’s right… fail to hear something that was not said?! How confusing is that?!

I have been reading a great book “You’re the only one I can tell.” By Deborah Tannen whereby she identifies the 2 different styles of communication and the problems and miscommunications that ensue as a result of these. It is a very interesting read and I highly recommend it. Whichever style of communication you use, it is very relatable. So what are the 2 styles? Direct communication and indirect communication. Simple really. 

My style is indirect. I won’t come out and say “You are acting like a jerk.” I will say “Well if you consider it from the other person’s perspective it may seem to them as though you don’t care, although I know you do care, it may not show in your actions.” And I will hope they take the implication kindly! If not I wont necessarily push the issue. If someone doesn’t want to hear that they are acting like a jerk then they wont, and if I come right out and say it like that I fear they will just get angry at me. My desire to avoid conflict, and the conversational style I was raised with anyway, dictate this not only as a preference, but almost a complete inability to be more direct.

I have become increasingly aware that this style is completely baffling and frustrating to those who prefer a more direct style. These are the people who never hesitate to tell me if they think I am being a jerk, nor anybody else. Their direct style intimidates the hell out of me and I find them too confrontational and angry. They find me too passive aggressive and weak. I am most likely to hear negatives they didn’t say and they are most likely not to hear negatives I didn’t directly say, either.

When I dissect the closest friendships I have nurtured, the thing that stands out the most is that I feel closest to people who hear what I do NOT say. The ones who speak my indirect language. The ones who know how I feel without me having to say so. These friends hear what is not said and respond in kind.  Positives are spoken directly, but negatives are all largely unspoken. Deborah Tanning would call this “High Considerateness style.” Each of us is acutely listening to the implications and are aware of the interpretations of what our friend may hear, think and feel as a result. We want to make sure she is heard and understood, and that we are too. This creates a feeling of safety to occasionally say something negative directly without fear of being dismissed, reprimanded, judged or misunderstood.

The people I feel less close to, have a more direct style of communication, Deborah Tannen labels as “High Involvement style.” These people say what they mean, and mean what they say and will often carry more of the speaking role in order to express their friendship. For women like me this can come off as conceitedness, confrontational, and an inability to listen or care. That said, I can also identify that these are the same women who are able to stay calm in a confrontation and just say what they feel. I admire this quality and find I am drawn to it on some level too. A quiet respect for it I suppose.

Something a direct friend may say/feel. 

My inability to get to the point and reveal the core issue comes across to a direct friend as pointless lecturing and their directness comes across to me as an aggressive attack. This miscommunication leads us to unhelpful labeling of each other and a failure to understand or show caring in the language of the other party. My own style dictates that I cannot stay calm and rational during a confrontation and if I am pushed into it, the forced directness will be cutting for everyone involved…. Almost always cutting the ties completely.

This is mostly because my direct friend has never actually heard my unspoken negatives even if I think they have, and so all they have heard from me is positive. To suddenly be faced with a wave of negatives, when pushed, is enough to not only wipeout the friendship but to leave them questioning if I ever even liked them at all. It tarnishes the directness of the positives they so easily believed before. 

This all poses the question; Are your friends responsible for what you hear? No. Direct friends are responsible for what they say and do, and indirect ones are equally responsible for what they do not say and do. If your friend hears something you didn't mean to say.... perhaps it's not so much what she heard, but what she felt? I don't know who is responsible for that, but I do know it should matter to you both. If it doesn't; therein lies your real issue. 

Your indirect friend is the one most likely to tell you that you look fabulous in that dress, (she may make an alternate suggestion, but won’t push it if she thinks you think you look great already) even though the photo’s later reveal a different story… but she meant to help you not hurt you. If your indirect friend hears something you didn’t intend, reassure her and then look at the reasons why she is feeling insecure. What have you said or done that has caused her to stop trusting in your positive intention towards her? If on the other hand she is the one that has upset you; be as indirect and non-confrontational as you can.

Your direct friend is the friend most likely to say you do look fat in that dress, and insist you change, but she also meant to help you more than hurt you. If your direct friend says something directly hurtful and confrontational, ask her to explain if she meant to be hurtful or helpful. Ask yourself what she has said or done lately that has caused you to stop trusting her positive intent towards you and what she can do to help you move forwards. Tell her as directly and calmly as you can.
 
Essentially you have to identify your friends’ style and try as hard as you can to understand and speak to her in her own language. Hopefully if she hears you trying to do this and she does the same for you, it may be possible to meet somewhere in the middle, but you will always do better with people who naturally speak your language in the first place.

What's your style?


❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
 

Quality time with your partner or without them?!

So often these days, women feel guilty for even contemplating the idea of time with their friends. This is especially true if it means sacrificing time with their partner. This fact remains, regardless of the gender of your partner, but for relatability to the majority here I am going with male partners. Also because it relates better to the story at hand! Lol

Friendships suffer at the stage of life where people start settling down, working full time, having kids. I guess we blame this on time. When you have both spent the day hard at work, and then come home to household chores, bills, cooking, children, homework, and maybe even work that you didn’t get time to finish at the office, it stands to reason that all you want to do at the end of it all is sit next to your partner and relax together. Weekends are filled with extended family, shopping, household chores like washing and gardening and if you’re really lucky every once in a while you may actually get a chance to go on date night. But friendships? Who has time for that? And how?

Gone are the days when your partner will call to say he will be late home from work as he is heading to the pub with the boys. He better not, right? You’d be annoyed. After all that would leave you in charge of all the necessary things and responsibilities while he just gets a free pass to drink with his friends. Does he not think you would like a night off? And so on and so forth.

This attitude means males are less encouraged in current times to indulge in friendships. Let’s explore this though?

A close friend of mine expressed how miserable her man had been lately until she forced him to spend Friday nights with his mates. Yes, she decided to be proactive, and instead of whining that she was left alone with the child (again) she embraced the idea of nights to herself, and encouraged him to have a guilt free night off every week.  You know what?  She reported a marked improvement in both their personal satisfaction and happiness and in their relationship. She reported a decrease in resentment which she claims was only hurting herself and the relationship anyway, and is open to the idea that she could benefit from boys nights out by hosting her own girls night in! 

Let's think about it seriously for a second.... when our men are not out there socializing – we are often put in the role of being their friend, their source of entertainment and social connection outside of work. Now, I would never underestimate the importance of quality time with your partner, but sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?  If your partner needs you to entertain them at all times, you will feel inadvertently guilty and responsible for his enjoyment even when you aren’t there.

I think my friend is on to a good thing myself. If Friday night is boys night, they can alternate weekends. If she stays home alone (or invites a friend over) while the child is asleep one week, he can have his mates over the next week and she can go out. When they come back together afterwards, everyone is feeling refreshed and happy and invigorated, because that is what spending “QUALITY” time with ourselves or with our friends does!

Sure the person who has to stay home with the kids draws the short straw for the week, because there are certain things that have to be seen to everyday when you are a parent. Things like dinner. That said, knowing that you will get your turn to not do it next week is refreshing in itself, and who cares if Friday night is pizza night anyway? Make it as easy on everyone as possible.

Of course, it's a little more challenging in some relationships, as some men don't seem very socially active, with a fair few not really engaging in friendships much at all. My own husband seems content with just our little family unit and the social interaction he gets at work. This does complicate things somewhat as I can hardly encourage him to spend time with people who don’t exist, or people he doesn’t actually want to spend time with. So instead I encourage him to spend his time doing other things that he enjoys outside of me. His sports, his music, his tv shows, movies and computer games…. None of which I enjoy particularly. Things which he enjoys much more on his own. I have always encouraged this sense of independence and individuality! It works for me, especially as he is happy to be the one who stays home EVERY week! Lol

Moral of the story? Encourage your partner to spend time with their mates, without you. Or to pursue other things that bring them happiness on their own. Then you will have guilt free time to spend with your friends or to pursue the other things that make you happy on your own. On top of that, your time with your partner will start to feel like a choice again, not an obligation or just a “given” because you live together and you are both home in the evenings. Maybe the key to quality time with your partner could be quality time without them?  What do you think?

Do you feel resentful or threatened if your partner spends time away from you, or do you encourage it? How else do you negotiate time for your friends? 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are all your friends 3’s?

Last week I posted “can we be less than friends” which was about the limbo land of the third circle friends. These are the friends about whom I imagine these meme’s are directed:

As I caught up with a casual friend for coffee recently and she questioned me about my writing – I expressed my ongoing confusion over the topic of friendship and the ways in which it works. She was kind enough to give me some insight into her own perceptions and experiences.

She expressed exasperation at her lack of time. As a full-time working mother, with a demanding job, a 2 children and all their commitments, a husband and a dog to cater for, and a house to run, she felt she had not much room nor energy left over for friendships. Using our brief catch up of less than an hour as an example of how little time she has to offer people, she said most of her friends are in similar situations. Give what little you can offer, take what you can get and be grateful for it.

I took from this conversation that most of her friends, including but not limited to the ones she considers close or good friends, are actually in circle 3. Some of them may have been circle 5, it was unclear, however, it seemed to me that perhaps many of them never made it there to begin with. 3 seems as high as she can go at this point in her life.

Her friendships are high in understanding and low in time. The types of friendships you may consider low maintenance. The types where it could be said “Yes, I could call her in an emergency,” but it’s unlikely you ever would because the general understanding is that any expectation of time or anything else is considered burdensome. Rather than spending her time enjoying, sharing and relating to her friends, she spends her time perpetually catching up on what she has missed, or what they have.

I asked if that didn’t feel lonely, and she said she hadn’t thought of it that way. I suppose she feels too exhausted to add more ‘needs of others’ to her list, however that also leaves her own needs largely unmet. She could agree with me that many women were unable or unwilling to make time for friendships when their partners were available and that as such much socializing was done in the context of “couples and family friendly” events. Being that much of the intimacy from female friendship is derived from privacy, this method of experiencing connectedness is limited at best.

I wondered why it didn’t bother my friend the way it bothers me. I suppose women like me make people like my friend feel an extra layer of guilt they would rather avoid. As I am not a full-time working mother, it stands to reason my needs would be different and perhaps the social interaction that takes place at work allows working women to feel less isolated. While I am not sold on the longevity or authenticity of work friendships entirely, there is much to be said for the perception of having friends and the need that work friends are able to fulfill. Much of these interactions would include conversations that play out the familiar social script that women are so busy doing it all and nobody has times for themselves, let alone for their friendships. If everyone is talking about it – surely that is normal?

My question remains, is it normal or are we making excuses for ourselves and others to have low expectations because it is less pressure on us if they do? So many women, myself included suffer from symptoms of anxiety, stress and depression – all of which I feel could be helped if we spent more time connecting with one another and less time avoiding it and making excuses. The benefits of friendship on health and stress levels have been widely documented and yet almost unanimously unacknowledged in everyday practice. It doesn’t make sense. The loss of identity widely associated with marriage and motherhood is also widely overlooked or unacknowledged.

We may feel we are doing each other a favour by having low social needs and expectations, yet it strikes me that we are actually doing ourselves a big disservice. Part of the reason we do this is the aforementioned guilt. It is seen as selfish to take time for oneself and friendships are considered even more “unnecessary and indulgent” as a way we spend our time. This is perpetuated by women saying to each other that they are “lucky” if they manage to find ways to spend time with friends instead of encouraging it and then finding ways to make time themselves.

If all your friends are 3’s and you spend your life perpetually catching up with them, doesn’t that indicate that you are in some way behind? Next time you feel stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and busy… literally phone a friend. (Or even better – leave the house and go see her!) It sounds counterproductive when you have so little time already, but just try it and then tell me if you don’t feel better.

I know I always feel better after spending some quality time with my friends, and I’d rather be perpetually catching up on the housework than my friendships. After all, when I die, my house is not going to stand up and say how valuable I was to it, and I certainly don’t want “Her house was so tidy” in my eulogy as some kind of accomplishment. Those of you that know me will laugh because you know I am at no risk of that regardless, but you get my point.

Maybe it is time to move some of those 3’s (back) into 5’s. You won’t regret it.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Can we be less than friends?

In a previous post I referred to the blog of Shasta Nelson and how she categorized her friendships into 5 circles. The first circle was for acquaintances, while the second circle was for people closer than an acquaintance, more like a casual friend, brought together by some common ground. The fourth circle was for people you were expanding your friendships with from circle 2. You are removing the common circumstance and trying to see if they may become a fifth circle friend. Circle 5 is for your close friends.

Circle 3 is the circle I am talking about here today though. The third circle is the circle for people who made it all the way to circle 5….however for whatever reason, they no longer fit in there. You have been too close to ever be an acquaintance, and yet circumstances or emotions dictate that you can no longer be close either.... Not for now anyway...So what then?

I do have a few circle 3 friends, so I know it is definitely possible for a friendship to transition to this limbo land. I have friends who drift in and out of 3 to 5 on a petty consistent basis. There are even a few who seemed to land there without ever quite reaching the fifth circle. These are the friends who have naturally ended up there in that third circle. I suppose it is fair to say usually there was quiet acceptance and mutual desire for this transition.

My question is this: Is there a way to place someone in circle 3 against their will? I have been guilty of not peacefully transitioning there myself, when the time has come before I was ready. I have ended friendships and had them ended for me due to the confusion and hurt this transition causes the person being 'downgraded.' In other circumstances I have tried moving people quietly and even directly asking them to move.

Essentially there is no nice way to say to someone “Can we be less than friends.” I can tell you from experience that the short answer is no! Not if you have to ask. It doesn’t matter the reason. It may be because you don’t have as much to give anymore, it may be because someone moved away and is time poor, it may be because someone changed the dynamic between you (even unwittingly) or it may just be because you are no longer feeling comfortable in the friendship for whatever reason. If the other party is not on the same page, the transition will be near impossible. If someone wants to be a 5 and you only want to be a 3, the most likely result is zero.

It can feel like being called a 5 but treated like a 1.... The reason that the likely outcome is zero is because of the sense of rejection the request brings with it. I guess it stands to reason that rejection and friendship are entirely opposite concepts and if one person feels rejected then we don’t get to tell them they aren’t.

At the end of the day, you can’t force a person to transition to circle 3. Under the best circumstances this is mutual and you both transition to a 3 together. Not ackowledging it, at times maybe not even noticing it. Failing that, a person must go, however reluctantly, of their own free will.  It may take time and tantrums and long periods of silence, but essentially, eventually, acceptance must come.

Regardless of who is making the transition, if you have had to have a conversation about the transition it won’t be easy or painless for either of you. It will probably trigger many fears and insecurities in one or both of you and the chances of survival are slim.

Maybe circle 3 is the polite way of not being friends and not falling out either? It is the way of leaving that door open for a future connection if circumstances change, and not acknowledging harsh feelings, but giving them space to dissipate naturally. It is the place you put people who you have shared too much with to let go of, but who don’t fit in your current life comfortably. The limbo land of not wanting to let go nor hold on. Like your friendship waiting room.

The waiting room is their choice.  The most important thing is not to let people stand in your doorway to block the flow of traffic. They can’t get back in without invitation, but they may not still be waiting if you ever decide to send that invitation. It’s likely that when you do catch up from time to time the history between you will play out as it has always done, and things will feel as they have always felt. Yet something HAS changed and you both know it.

I guess it boils down to this: Can you handle the limbo for the gamble on the long term payout or is the emotional cost too high?

There is no right or wrong answer. I am a believer in fate and have a deep trust that whatever is meant to be will be. If you are meant to be friends with someone in the future, then you will be. Regardless of what circle you choose… if any.  If you’re not meant to be friends again in the future then remember this; your reason for coming together has expired. Hopefully this means the lessons have been learnt. It WILL hurt. Growth always does, but you’re both probably growing in good directions, even if they are opposite ones.

Do you have friends in circle 3? Are you in anybody else's third circle?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx