Recipe for a very close friendship:

Preparation time: Years!

INGREDIENTS:

Vulnerability

Empowerment

Reciprocity

Youthful playfulness

Consistency, commitment, compassion, caring and connection

Love, listening loyalty and laughter

Openness

Support and sensitivity

Encouragement and enthusiasm

Fun and forgiveness

Reciprocal, reliable and respect

Intimacy, integrity and intention

Empathy

Non-judgemental

Dedicated time

Sharing and smiling

Honesty, humour and happiness.

Integrity

Patience, positivity and praise

METHOD:

Tenderly and slowly mix all the ingredients together in a bowl of kindness, adding a little more of each one consistently over lots of time. Consistency in mixing is important. If mixing is inconsistent you can expect the mixture to settle and separate.

NOTE: Many ingredients combine to produce by-products such as trust, understanding, appreciation and adventure.  Do not be alarmed! Keep going!

Bake in a warm heart for as long as it takes. Decorate with love and affection. Celebrate and enjoy the finished product and never compare it to others.

TIP: Competiveness and jealousy will cause an undesired bitter aftertaste.

FOR BEST RESULTS:

Ask the advice of others and keep adding to the recipe. Share with as many people as you wish.

When made slowly and correctly; very close friendships have no expiry date. When rushed and baked with too much intensity however, they have a tendency to overcook. This results in drama and the bad tasting friendship often needs to be discarded as a result. VERY CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS CANNOT BE RUSHED. They develop over time, this is necessary and normal. Keep persevering, keep mixing.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS:

Serve generously and often. Enjoy with company. Goes well with wine, tea, coffee, cake and conversation.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Does gaining or losing weight equal losing friends?

I have lost a lot of weight in the last couple of years, and I am enjoying all of the expected benefits, such as increased fitness and looking better in clothes. I am also experiencing the expected pitfalls such as the expense of continuously shopping for a smaller frame, because we need clothes that fit at every stage, and looking way worse naked! Loose skin is so not attractive! However, one of the most unexpected things I have experienced is the changes my weight loss has had on my relationships and social status.

I have been a very large woman. Much larger than I am now. I have also been a very small woman – much smaller than I am now. It seems in my 30’s especially I am more closely watched on my weight than ever before.

There are the people who spoke to me and were friendly when I was much bigger who no longer engage me now and never dare mention my weight loss. I wonder if this is because they found me “jolly” and nonthreatening before and now see me as somehow threatening, or if I evoke their own insecurities about their own body issues or size.

There are the people that I don’t even know who approach me like I am a celebrity, gushing and looking for magic tips, who don’t seem to like it when I tell them it is maths not magic. Burn more than you eat. Move more eat less. I am happy to help these people but I do wonder just how fat they thought I was to even notice how I look now - post weight loss. I (still) don’t know who they are. Maybe I’m just too self-involved?! Or maybe I really was fatter than I imagine and stood out as the token fat chick. 

There are the people who never approached me before who suddenly want to be my best friend now. I wonder if I seem lighter and more approachable somehow, perhaps I keep my head higher? I also wonder if I have been deemed “acceptable” by their standard and feel quietly conflicted about this new acceptance; On the one hand flattered and pleased and on the other, hurt and resentful. I am still the same person as I always have been.

Or am I? My closest friends tell me I am not. I have higher self-esteem now. I make different choices. I have a voice. I won’t eat cake if I don’t want to and I will go for a walk on my own if you won’t join me. It’s not that my time with my friends is any less important but I need to make sure it fits in with my personal goals for myself, which means sometimes letting other people down. I can't say I am exactly the same person, no, but I can only see changes for the better. Having a little more confidence does not at all make me conceited. I remember where I came from, even if I am proud not to be there anymore. I worked hard, should I not be proud? I'm not there yet, so I'm hardly bragging, but I have come a long way and I see no reason to overlook it for the sake of making someone else comfortable. 

When I was bigger I was much more pliable to what everyone else wanted to do. I would agree to almost anything for fear of letting people down or disappointing them and having them leave me. I never realised this was tied in to my weight so closely. I didn’t feel worthy of friends and I was just grateful to have any, so as a result, I kept pretty quiet about my thoughts, feelings, wants and needs on a fairly regular basis.

In losing weight I have rediscovered myself and that has meant some of my friends have had to get to know me all over again too. Some of them don’t like it, but I prefer the ones who choose to stay and admit they have some selfish reasons for their hesitation. I prefer them to say “I am jealous.” Or “I suppose I had been taking advantage of your easy going nature.” Than the ones who suddenly become competitive, mean or just walk away. 

A fellow friend who has been on the weight loss journey longer than me, and has done way better than me too, has described a situation where one friend asked her to stop mentioning her weight loss. This was a deal breaker because, for those of you who can relate, it becomes a part of your story, your identity; and you want to share this side of your journey.  It is a constant journey that will stay with you – Always. You will need encouraging and support and commiserating when things go belly up – literally. Lol You can't have friends who ask you not to be happy or share your success. So sometimes the choice to walk away is yours not theirs. Not directly anyway.

When it comes to weight loss, there is so much pressure. Half the world needs you to succeed and the other half is waiting for you to fail… yet nobody actually cares that much. Lol  To say it is confusing and emotional and stressful is an understatement. This is a time when you need your friends more than ever, and a time when you realise who the true ones are. The results may surprise and upset you. 

We need our friends who still see us as the person we have always been through it all. Ourselves. I never thought of myself as the token “fat friend” to be your wing woman, or the person you spent time with to feel better about yourself. I thought we were friends and learning that you saw it differently hurts. It also says way more about you than it does about me. I count the people I have lost due to losing weight as a win on the “life scales!”

If you are jealous of a friend who has lost weight – don’t take it out on her; address your own issues with yourself. And know that she is the same caring friend she was before. Her journey is with herself and about herself. She doesn’t need or expect you to lose weight. She is not judging your choices or forcing her choices on you. (If she is, gently tell her that although she may be trying to help, you value different things and you are happy with your weight.) Some people are actually happy being larger. I wish I was one of them! Acceptance of self is the goal, and social acceptance shouldn't be part of it. Sadly, it seems it is. 

I think being bigger has made me a more compassionate, loving and loyal friend, even if I wont let you walk all over me anymore. I value those people to whom my size made no difference. The ones who still talk to me about other things and don’t define me by my size or appearance, and never have.

If you have lost weight and lost friends, or gained weight and lost friends, don’t look in the mirror and see someone else’s reflection. It is them, not you. Your size isn’t relevant to your friendships… or it shouldn’t be….

Good Luck

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Making cronies from colleagues!

When discussing friendships among my peers, one of the most frequent issues people wish to address is if they should make friends with colleagues, and if so… how to take it out of the office.

I can tell you from my own experience what I loved most about working was the social aspect. I really felt as though these people were my friends and although I never saw them outside of the office, spending a consistent 40 hours a week with them made us feel pretty close. Because we spent so much time together in the work environment it didn’t feel necessary to spend time with these friends outside of work much. Our limited evening and weekend time was spent on partners, family and friends on whom we did not spend so many hours as we did with each other.  Makes sense, yeah?

Except, then I got pregnant, and I left the workplace to have a baby. My work friends came to the baby shower and many of them visited in the hospital to meet my firstborn. It didn’t take too long though before I noticed the distance. I did consider these people friends and I did think they felt the same, so I took the baby to visit at the office a few times and arranged some group gatherings outside of work too. People came. A great time was had by all. All of them that is. I never noticed when we worked together how much of our conversations were about work and the office politics. As they discussed new people I didn’t know, policies I was unfamiliar with and laughed about funny office happenings that I missed; I realised while I was welcome there, I didn’t belong any more.

When my employment ended, so did many of my friendships there. Looking back I can see that I should have been better prepared for this. I should have spent more time investing in making these people friends on a personal level. And I should have spent time with them individually more instead of always in group settings. It’s not fair to say they didn’t miss me, but I missed them more, because they still had each other.

It would not have been hard to make these people real friends that lasted past my employment. They were great people. One of them did keep in touch and I married him! Lol All I had to do was invite them, individually for a drink after work, or for a Saturday lunch. Talk to them more about life OUTSIDE of the office.

The reasons I didn’t may resonate with you – I didn’t want to burden them by asking for more time. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by seeming like I didn’t have other friends. I didn’t want to try and be cronies if they strictly only wanted to stay colleagues. I didn’t want to seem more invested. I didn’t want work to become weird if the friendship had issues. I wanted someone else to make the first move! But mostly I never thought about how happy these people made me and how much I would miss them.

Really though, who doesn’t like being approached for friendship? Who really thinks “what a loser asking me to be friends?” (And if they do, they are not the kind of people you want to be friends with anyway!) Most people feel happy you like them, and as a trick of psychology they like you back for your good taste! Lol

So if you want to make cronies out of colleagues...... 

Start small. Share some personal information and see if they willingly reciprocate. Remember to ask about the small details, like how the party they hosted on the weekend went. Give them your personal number and say “call me later if you need or want to” assuming the opportunity arises. If they discuss a movie or restaurant, just mention you should check it out together. If they agree, set a time straight away. In groups is fine, as long as you are getting to know all these people individually while you spend time together. Show an interest and cement a connection outside of work. Direct conversations away from the office by saying “we don’t need to waste time worrying about work now, let’s just have fun tonight.” Friend them on social media.

I can’t guarantee any of this will work, but if it is important to you then you have nothing to lose by trying.

A few things to remember if it doesn’t work out are that people often have completely separate office and home personalities, so you might be disappointed, shocked or confused and feel like you actually don’t know or like this person as much as you thought or they may feel that way about you.
Alternatively they may have a full and busy social life and responsibilities already outside of the office and are happy to keep it in business hours. It’s not personal. Honestly. Try someone else. 

The best way to make a colleague a friend is to simply show an interest and ask for some time. See how it goes. You might be glad you did which is better than regretting that you didn’t. Trust me on that one! 

Good Luck

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Just ask! It really is that simple! 

Textiquette

Keep the suggestions rolling in please ladies! This time I have been asked to attempt a post about texting etiquette in friendships.  This is a challenging post for me to write because in current times, texting and communicating via email and instant messaging services is rampant, normal and expected. I fall victim to it just the same as everyone else does, and sometimes find myself impatiently waiting for a response! It is called instant messaging for a reason. If I wanted to wait a week for a reply I could send a letter in the post, right? Haha These services have added such value to our lives and simplified the communication process…..

However, the whole process also makes us a slave to our phones, right? You know it does! Added to this is the introduction of “read receipts” and indications when someone has been online but chosen not to read your message. Thanks for the extra anxiety with information that is actually none of my business Facebook! Lol These features have done nothing to enhance the quality of my communications or my friendships! Actually I think I preferred sending an email and never knowing if it had reached the other person or if they had been online to check their messages, let alone read it! To the sender, even if their enquiry is not of any particular urgency, lack of response to their message can feel like a slap in the face or a direct snub, as though they spoke to you on the street and you ignored them?! Harsh.

On the other side off the fence though, there is the receiver. The receiver may have a multitude of valid reasons for not responding to you – most of which have nothing at all to do with you. They might be in the middle of a family dinner, sharing an intimate moment with their partner, or be doing any other valid thing that people do with their time. If you saw them doing these things with your own eyes, you probably wouldn’t reach out to them in that moment because it is intrusive, but because we can’t see them, we make the mistake of assuming they are available and willing to engage and then take it personally when they don’t.

Consider this: The sender sends a communication at a time that is convenient for themselves and the receiver has the freedom to respond in the same manner. Simple.

I have been the receiver caught at an inopportune moment. There have been times when I have not read messages because I know they are lengthy and I don’t have time to read and respond in the manner consistent with the expectation of my friend. There have been times when I did read the message and thought to myself “I’ll respond to that later” then forgotten to do so, and there was now no little red message flag reminding me! Damn it!! Or there have even been times when I have prompted a conversation at a time I was willing and ready to engage and not received a reply until much later when I was no longer free to continue the conversation that I myself initiated!

The other issue I have experienced is that sometimes an innocent text becomes a conversation that neither person really has the time or the desire to engage in.  As a writer by nature I struggle to keep my messages brief, and I know this can be overwhelming to the recipient. (I’m working on it! Lol)

While texting and messaging have their place, let’s not forget the best way to have a conversation is face to face or over the phone as a close second. My pointers for texting etiquette are:

•          Keep it brief, direct and to the point.                                                                                         
• ·         Don’t expect instant reply and don’t take it personally if you don’t get one – the other person is busy. Trust me. Allow 48 hours minimum before you message them again.                     
•          Never sit by your phone waiting for a reply, put the phone down and engage in your life. Stop over thinking it.                                                                                                                           
•          If you really are worried about them – call them.                                                                     
•          Keep conversations over text to a minimum – 10 messages or less if you can. If it takes more than this call them or arrange to meet up.                                                                               
•          If it is urgent or important,  call them, or at very least mention that in the message and politely request an urgent response; then follow up by other means if it isn’t forthcoming.                                                                                                                      
•          Do not cyber stalk them to see if they read your message or not; or force them to justify their time to you. Nobody owes you an explanation, though you have to accept any you are offered at face value. If you don’t believe them the relationship has bigger problems than texting.                                                                                                                                                 
•          If the person frequently ignores your attempts at communication - they probably don’t want to talk to you. Stop contacting them. You don’t NEED to understand why although I know you WANT to. Accept it and move on.                                                                                               
•          Judge their level of interest in engaging. If you are being met with 2 worded answers, end the conversation, don’t keep pushing for more engagement.                                                   
•          If you must, let them know that you are busy but will reply later…. Be specific, for example “I will respond after I put the kids to bed at 7.30pm” –then remember to do so. If you forget own up and apologise as soon as you realise.                                                                         
•          Make time to see your friends in person. Then you will know for sure that they are willing and available to engage and you are not intruding on other things.                                                 
•          Don’t disrespect people’s time when they are with you by being glued to your phone speaking to everyone else.                                                                                                                   
•          Never message out of boredom, or if you actually have nothing to say.                                  
•          Never respond to 3am booty call texts, and don’t send them either.                                             
•          Trust the good intentions of your friends and hope that they trust yours. Nobody means to be intrusive or hurtful.                                                                                                                    
•          You don’t owe anyone a communication and nobody owes you one either.                  
•          Remember that tone of voice, facial expressions and other non verbal cues are not present and your message may be misunderstood or construed differently that you intended. Be clear. Use punctuation. Avoid all caps as it is texting equivalent of "yelling." Arguments should not happen via written form. What you say will be forever recorded and used against you.                                                                                                        
•           Proof read your message before you press send! Why?... Auto-correct. That's why! Unless you meant to call your friend Poppy "Poopy!" True Story! haha and that's a pretty mild but still amusing example!                                                                                          
•          Spend time on the people and things that make you forget about your phone.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Hate is not the opposite of Love… Indifference is.

So recently I was confronted with the situation of bumping into an ex friend. We haven’t spoken for 4 years. Awkward! Readers, I want to tell you I was gracious, said hello and smiled, catching up on the pleasantries…. But that would be a lie. As soon as I saw her (and immediately pretended I didn’t see her) memories of our falling out came to mind.

I felt my face burning as I remembered the awful poisonous words I used to end our friendship. I remembered the anger that can only be evoked by someone you feel so strongly about. I suspect she expected an apology from me. I do owe her one. So why didn’t I deliver it?

I know I was out of line with most of the harsh hateful truths I threw at her back then. I remember referencing all the things which people were mentioning behind her back, and feeling righteous, like she should be grateful I was going to tell her the truth. In hindsight, the reason the other people didn’t tell her is because they knew it wasn’t their place.  I have no idea what made me think it was my place to tell her how to live her life. I lost a friend because she wouldn’t live her life my way? Well by all accounts she seemed happy and that goes to show that she was perfectly capable of living her own life in whatever way made her happy. I told myself that I was doing her a favour by telling her the truth, but in reality I was enabling myself to be cruel just to hurt her. I’m not proud of it.

So why did I do that? Anger, hate, jealousy, hurt, resentment. My response to her was not a considered action it was an emotional reaction. Someone I loved had hurt and disappointed me to the point that I fought fire with fire. Why? Love. I loved this person. I was passionate about the situation in a way only possible when some form of love is present. Love for her versus love for myself. I owe her an apology for speaking out of turn and deliberately hurting her. That wasn’t right and I hope I have learned that water is much more effective for fighting fire in the future.

If I do know I do OWE her an apology, why not take the opportunity to be the bigger person, approach her and deliver it? I must hate her, right? The thing is though, that I don’t hate her. If I hated her, on some level that would mean there was still love between us. Pretty sure I burned that out with my own fire. And the fact that there is no love between us anymore is part of the reason I didn’t apologise.

If she wanted the apology; I know she has the guts to approach me. The fact that she also pretended not to see me told me everything I needed to know. She doesn’t hate me either. She doesn’t love me anymore. There is nothing there. We are indifferent. That is the opposite of love. She didn’t seem angry or hurt, although I imagine she was just as uncomfortable as I was. Lol If it still meant anything to either of us, a confrontation would have ensued. However, neither of us cared enough anymore.

None of the things we fell out about still matter. My apology would make no difference to anyone. Yes, I did speak out of turn, but she knows as well as I do that I meant every word and although it wasn’t my place to say it, I stand by what I said. I have come far enough along the road to see that my perspective was merely my opinion and not a gospel truth, and I wasn’t the great righteous friend I thought I was back then.  She has come far enough along to prove me wrong! Lol

Essentially I didn’t apologise because I am not sorry. I wasn’t a good friend to this person, and I don’t think she was a particularly good friend to me either. If I have ever been frenemies with anyone it was her. Many aspects of our unhealthy friendship make me cringe and I realise that we didn’t ever bring out the best in each other. She is not a terrible person or a bad friend any more than I am. We just weren’t well suited. I don’t love this person anymore, and I can admit that I don’t like her. Maybe I never did. And that’s ok. I am not a terrible person because I didn’t like her. I should not have hurt her- that was downright wrong. However if she needs to paint me as the villain to make herself feel better without taking accountability for her side of it, then that is a role I am willing to play. Equally it is her opinion, not a gospel truth and it doesn’t define me.  Is an apology even genuine if you only offer it because you should?

I AM sorry I hurt her, but I am not sorry we are no longer friends. That is the final and most truthful reason I didn’t apologise. I ended the friendship because I wanted it to be over. Now it is. I don’t need to apologise because I forgive myself and I don’t really care if she forgives me or not. She pretended not to see me too. I should have thanked the woman!

If you are reading this – Thank you! Lol I really am sorry for hurting you. I was wrong, about almost everything, except ending our toxic friendship. (Note I say the friendship was toxic, not you or I, but the relationship we shared together.) I was really happy to see you seemed happy and well. Now I can learn the lesson and let it go. I forgive you. I forgive me. None of it matters. I still recall the things we said and did to each other with clarity, but in the end it is the things we did not say and do that set us free. Have a nice life and I will do the same. This is letting go!

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Languages of Friendship; and when you don't speak the same one!

During a recent conversation I had with someone, the topic of friendship styles came to light and I felt there must be a blog post in there somewhere. So here it is. Also, I have been reading the book “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman, and it is fascinating the different languages we speak, in love, and in friendship. The 5 languages are:

• Words of Affirmation: Expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation.
• Acts of Service: Actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love.
• Receiving Gifts: Gifting is symbolic of love and affection.
• Quality Time: Expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention.
• Physical Touch: It can be sex or holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection through physical touch.

I have a friend who has a very tumultuous friendship with one of her other friends. If love and war were represented as a friendship model; theirs would be a pretty close poster child. One of the main problems they seem to face is their style of friendship.

I am one of a handful of women my friend is close to, with a wider circle of male friends also in her orbit. While my friend maintains conversation on a consistent almost daily basis, she has a wide enough circle that catch up’s are not particularly frequent. It’s not just with me that she doesn’t catch up with as often, it is most of her friends, because she is quite the social butterfly, always busy with someone. I really admire the effort she puts into juggling so many friendships and I understand her limitations. Although I have fewer balls in the air than this friend, I do tend to operate in a similar way and have a few close friends I see independently of the others. It’s just our style.

My friend often comes into conflict with her other friend, because this friend tends to have only one close (usually a best) friend at a time. I do know a few other people who also operate this way, so I don’t think it is particularly uncommon.  The problem isn’t so much the style of the friendship as the expectations that go along with it.  As this type of friend doesn’t have a wider network, more of her social time is free and directed towards this one friend, whereas jugglers like my friend and I can only offer so much time to one friendship in order to maintain the balance.

There are, for example, only (on average) 4 Saturday’s per month; If Saturday is your social day and you have 4 independent friends, it stands to reason you would likely see each of them once a month. If however you only had one friend, you may expect to see that one friend every week? See what I mean? While my friend is off with her other friends, she feels she is inadvertently hurting this one friend who seems to need more than my friend can give her in terms of time and attention.

It would be easy to paint one of them as needy, jealous and possessive and the other as mean, cold spirited and distant, however they are just not speaking the same language in terms of friendships. It would be wrong for us to take sides, because naturally we all conduct our friendships in the way that feels most comfortable to our soul.  Still, it stands that this is an issue; they are not communicating in the same language! My friend’s language seems to be words of affirmation and acts of service, where as her friends language is quality time….So what should they do about it?

As in all relationships compromise is the only way out of this one. While my friends friend cannot expect her to give up all her other friendships and give her the time and attention she needs, my friend needs to be aware that this friend does have higher needs and make an effort to give her a little extra time and attention and make her feel validated and special.  Her friend needs to accept this, and in turn find other ways and things to fill her time and not make my friend feel guilty when she spends time with other people.

I guess it is all about perspective and not seeing things through an all or nothing lens. Neither one can give the attention or the freedom the other needs, so instead of looking at it as though “she never makes time for me but has time for everyone else” her friend could choose to look at it as though “I am so grateful for the time she does make for me, because I know she is busy and I am lucky to be one of the people in her life.” My friend could choose the perspective “It is wonderful she enjoys and values my friendship so much” instead of “I am allowed to have other friends, why doesn’t she understand this?”

It is really challenging when you don’t seem to speak the same friendship language as your friends. I have recently encountered drama myself with a friend, with whom I was not speaking the same language.  Similar to the situation above; Her primary love language seems to be acts of service, whereas mine is quality time. I felt that I was giving way more than I was getting in terms of rewards in the right language. So I have stopped “giving” to this particular friend the service which I felt was taking it too far. In my general experience I am happy to meet the needs of a friend, whatever language they speak, so long as they are equally meeting my need for my language of quality time. It is just important to maintain an equal balance.

It is important to recognise and meet the needs of our friends, but it is also important to recognise our own needs and if they are being met. If they are not then we need to reset the balance. We can’t ever make someone else give more or meet our need, but we can give less of ourselves to right the imbalance.

While it is possible to maintain healthy balance with people who have different styles and speak different languages, it is more challenging. If you are a person whose style is one friend at a time and whose love language is quality time, your best bet is to find someone the same. That will provide the highest rewards for you.

It’s certainly interesting isn’t it? The way we list the 5 languages in terms of priority is unlikely to be the same for our friends. Even if we don’t speak the same language we can probably identify the ones they are likely to value most and offer more of that. Try it as an experiment and see how you go. Let me know the results!

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendships in the media…. Are they accurate depictions? If they are... Should they be?

The pressure on women to fit a certain stereotype in this society is heavy. Starting from childhood when we are dressed in pink and presented with dolls, our role is thrust upon us in no uncertain terms.  Our heads are quickly filled with fairy tales; casting us into the role of princess, waiting only for true love’s kiss to really start our life. A life, which, once the goal is attained; quickly fizzles to “and they lived happily ever after.” I suppose it is natural to end the story there, because not much happiness can be sold to a young girl when she realises happily ever after means basically serving her prince (assuming she is heterosexually inclined) and her children…(assuming she wants them and can easily and naturally concieve and birth offspring) ... ever after. Yay! Lol

I read a really interesting article by Gina M Florio, published in Bustle.com on the 14th September entitled "6 problematic lessons fairy tales taught us about female friendships" which you can access here.  In the article Gina addresses the fact that fairy tale characters do not seem to have any real female friends! The ones she does have are usually male and generally she abandons said friends after she meets the guy of her dreams, with no thoughts as to what happens to them afterwards. Not only this, but also all other female characters in said stories are usually depicted as jealous rivals and enemies over allies! The implication being that all women are jealous and conniving, including but not limited to mother figures and sisters; motivated by vanity, insecurity and the love of men but not ever of other women. 

As someone who enjoys fairy tales, I was shocked to find that I had never actually noticed nor questioned this. Ok, yes, fairy tales are also moving with the times; in Frozen it is the true love of a sister which rings true and in Moana, more recently, the story focused on empowering your partner (of either gender) and not rescuing them. These are important concepts moving away from the damsel in distress being rescued by her prince for sure…. But it still stands to question, why is the damsel in distress in the first place? Where are her friends?

Moving away from children’s media, we are fed examples of friendships in shows like the 90’s ‘Sex and the City” and the millennium’s “Winners and Losers.” I am the first to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed these shows. If you are unfamiliar with the shows; they each feature a group of 4 to 5 female friends supporting, empowering, and protecting each other through life, while also working, brunching, partying and navigating sexuality and romantic relationships. Although at any point during these shows one or more character was dating someone, essentially the characters were young and unsettled, on the quest for settling down.  These women were empowered, forward thinking and modern, yet in a disappointingly predictable format; when the shows came to a close it was because all the characters settled and lived “happily ever after” just like the fairy tales depicted. Conveniently; those who didn’t,  moved away! Lol

The sad reason the shows conclude this way is because as a society we value romantic love and the white picket fence above all else. We all chase the dream of happily ever after, without questioning what that actually entails? It would be hard to continue the shows as the characters settle, have children, move away and have far less time for their friends because the concept of the show was the friendship and its importance. Is the sad moral of the story that friendship only seems important until you find something better?

I have certainly noticed a pattern in my real life that friendships are less valued by my married or partnered friends than they are by the single ones. I have noticed that as a society in general this shift in priorities; away from friends and onto family life - is considered normal, acceptable and even desired. However; fast forward to people of my parent’s generation or older and you will find them yearning for the connections they once held close, as retirement sets in, and they once again have more free time for their friends... If they still have any. Those that did not make time for the friends they once had when they were "busy" for all those working and child rearing years,  may now be finding the proverbial shoe is sitting on the other foot rather uncomfortably.

That said, it’s not just the older generations that suffer. Speaking to a range of people from my peers and onwards, almost all of them identify the happiest times of their lives as times when they were studying, either in school, college or university, or other technical studies. Why is this? Is this a yearning for our youth and carefree times? Possibly yes, but what was so good about these times in particular? I believe the answer is friendships. These are the times we are most socially active, feel liked, included, supported, connected and loved by the very people we begin to neglect in search of “something better.”

I do agree that the world seems better if you have someone to share it with, and I am not suggesting that the dream of the white picket fence is wrong. It isn’t. What does seem wrong with this picture is that it no longer includes the very people who supported us to get there. Maybe it will be the same friends, maybe it will be new ones you have acquired over the years along the way, or an eclectic mix of both, but if you want a happy in your ever after, you’ll need your friends to be part of the equation. There are many shows that do depict couples having successful social and married lives (although less of them have young children featured) and this essentially proves my point too; there isn’t much of a story to be told without friends in our lives to share them with.

So what is the answer when you start to find yourself settling down and suddenly unable to attend carefree brunches and late night parties like the characters on the shows? The answer is to make time the same way you make time for schooling and education meetings, working, employer deadlines and family events. As a woman in the busy child rearing years herself, I often hear other women in similar situations say that they do miss their friends and feel guilty by their lack of time and energy for friendships during this busy period of their lives. So, we often acknowledge the gap, however, do nothing to actually bridge it. This lack of response to a clear social need only adds to our own sense of isolation and personal dissonance. If you don’t put conscious energy into your friendships the way you do with the other things in your life, you will regret it later on. Friends are usually the people who are still there if and when a marriage dissolves, the children grow and move out, we retire, and as our parents and older family members pass on, but we can’t expect them to be there if we weren’t there for them too. Being there doesn't just mean in bad times, it means being active and present in the friendship - always. Simply put;  prioritising making time for friendships just like all the other things you actively make time for. The bad news is that instead of doing this we usually make excuses and friends fall from our priority list... and our lives. Make time or make excuses! The choice is yours and so are the consequences.

The good news is that it is never too late to start intentionally prioritising your friends. Recognise that friendships are not stop gaps for relationships, they are valid and necessary relationships of their own accord and they deserve and require the same time and attention as the other people and things in your life. Intentionally make your friendships a priority and you’ll find your happiness increasing. Humans are social creatures, the dream of happily ever after doesn't give enough credit to the fact that if you had friends, you were probably pretty happy already! Most of us were… in hindsight. So perhaps we should learn from that and invest in ourselves and each other for the long haul?

 “A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams or your dignity” – Mandy Hale.

We really can have it all, if we consciously want it. Actions indicate priorities, so where do yours lie? Are they accurately represented by where you are spending your time and energy? If not, what could you do to close the gap? Do it. 

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happy GALentines Day (for tomorrow ladies)

Ok, so I am going to admit that I had never heard of this phenomenon until my recent research into all things female friendship.  If you also didn't know, it turns out this concept was the idea of Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation. It is basically a day to celebrate your gal pals. It happens the day before Valentine’s day (on the 13th… I guess she wasn’t superstitious! Lol) and is meant to be much more fun and inclusive than it's romantic counterpart.

Let’s be honest… I love Valentine’s as much as the next romantic soul, but what it boils down to really is a gimmick. Partners are pressured to make romantic gestures and in return sexual favours are also expected! With the added bitter taste it leaves for those of us who are not loved up romantically or in less conventional situations. Which is why Galentines day as an overall concept is much better!

For starters, all the ladies are included, so no lonely hearts here. Secondly there is absolutely zero pressure to do this for any sexual reward, which, in my opinion makes it more genuine. Last but not least; it is a good reminder for us all to set aside some quality fun time for the ladies in our lives and share the love!

The concept involves getting together with your closest female friends, and sharing the love. Telling your friends what you love and value about them, and hearing it in return. Sharing activities, food and drinks you enjoy and having a laugh and probably a dance. It could be at a day spa or in your living room, or maybe if you just can't get together on a Monday (2017) just sending each of your friends a loving card or message letting them know you appreciate and value the friendship?

The pro’s include getting gifts you might actually like instead of roses (which are nice, but also a little contrived!) having conversations you actually find interesting, funny and enjoyable and remembering to spend more time with your friends. In all honesty you probably already make more time for your partner than you do for your friends anyway. The con’s include….nope can’t think of any!

Relationships come and go. Sometimes you are in one and sometimes you aren’t, but most of us usually have a female supporter or 2 through it all. Maybe it is your best childhood friend, or maybe it is your sister or your mother or the girls at work. Whoever your supports are, reach out to them and make their day special in some way. And I don’t mean sending a generic email to 20 people that gets forwarded for good luck. I mean genuinely making an effort in a personal way to make a friend smile.

Maybe you could pass on a book you read that you know she would love, invite her out for a drink, lunch or a massage, pop a heartfelt card in her mailbox, buy her that best friends necklace, or send her some pictures of you both having a good time and tell her it is time to update the collection.  Or if you must be contrived and traditional, or one of you just loves roses… yellow is known as the friendship rose! :) ( mean, ok, who doesn't love getting roses?!) 

However you spend it ladies, I wish you all a very happy Galentines day, and hope you do share the love.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Financial Friendship Frustrations.

My last post was the financial friendship equation. Sharing my thoughts on the topic of finances and friendships, I thought I’d share how money has influenced my own friendships.

Some of my friends call me cheap. (Not in the way that relates to intimate partners… I wish! Lol) It is fair to say I value having savings in the bank so I can book an impromptu cruise here and there, and or pay for random expenses like a plumber for instance. I plan a budget spreadsheet up to a year in advance -to the dollar, with in-comings and outgoings. (Leaving room for changes and keeping an eye on future goals and how they are impacted by choices I make today.)  I pour way more money into the mortgage than required, and also have an investment property as a retirement plan in lieu of super; because I am not in paid employment and need to plan for our future if I want to stay that way. (I do! Lol)  All of this means that as a general rule if I see you I will not be willing/wanting to spend much more than $20. (Sometimes I will break this rule, when and where I choose.) I will usually order the lunch special and drink water. I will use free or discount vouchers as often as I can. I will plan events around these if I can! I will pre-purchase discounted member movie tickets at half the price and bring my own snacks and drinks. I will use deal sites and other online deals. I save up credit card points and supermarket loyalty points to buy people gifts with at Christmas. I write a detailed shopping list with the amounts things cost and stick to a fortnightly food budget.

It is fair to say, that if I value savings and you value material possessions you will probably be comfortable spending more than I am as a general rule. It doesn’t make me right and you wrong, it just makes us different. This is an important distinction if we are going to be financially compatible as friends. I understand we all make private judgements about how other people spend or don’t spend their money.… but it is not our place to verbalise these judgements or to tell someone what they can or cannot afford. I hate being told what I can afford, and my friends often hate being told what they can’t. We are all adults making our own choices… and suffering our own consequences. OUR OWN being the key phrase. We need to own our own unique choices, consequences, priorities and responsibilities.  Accountability ladies!

I won’t lend a friend money and our friendship will be healthier if they don’t put me in that position of asking and then resent me for it when I refuse. I will almost NEVER offer to lend them money either!

I do sound selfish and ungenerous don’t I? The thing is, I’m really not. While I won’t pay for someone every time, I have no problem paying for them of my own accord. My point is that friends shouldn’t expect me to. I won’t invite someone to events they can’t afford and expect them to pay; I will keep our catch up’s as cheap as possible, free if need be. For us both, regardless of your status! If I have a two for one, I will offer to let a friend have the free meal, or at least go halves in the paid one. I will let someone use movie tickets if I have them or I will invite friends out for spa days, cruises or other activities for 2 that I have purchased in return for only the company of a good friend and a shared experience. While I will generally not offer to lend you money… I may offer to give you money…. Which is an entirely different concept and if you are too proud to accept I will not force the issue.

I actually do have a pretty relaxed attitude about money with most of my friends and I try not to calculate the currency we have spent, together, individually, or on one another! I don’t offer to pay for anything I can’t afford. If you offer I expect you can afford it too and do not expect this means one of us necessarily “owes the other next time” as such.

However; this relaxed attitude has also caused me problems in the past too when it was with the wrong friend and I didn’t consider her needs and values. This is important! This  one friend in particular felt my paying for things was a power play and that she “owed” me in some way because I often paid for things. This was a reflection of her values as she felt her sense of independence was diminished by my generosity. She was unfamiliar or uncomfortable with the concept of giving to give instead of to receive and didn’t want to feel like she was sponging off me or using me. (I never felt she was.) I remember asking her to certain events and her saying she would love to go however didn’t have the cash. When I said it was ok because I would pay, (preferring not to attend solo) I think she then felt both obligated to attend, and resentful towards me. In essence it left a transnational aftertaste as though I bought her friendship and neither of us enjoyed that dynamic. I never intended to upset her and genuinely didn’t even consider the idea that she was actually using finances as a way to avoid my company. Awkward! Lol The funny thing is that I remember plenty of times where she paid too, and I never really noticed nor cared if there was an imbalance. I probably wasn’t grateful enough for her liking when she did pay in hindsight, considering it no big deal, when actually for her, it was significant. I tend to think that if you are friends for long enough it will all even out in the end anyway. Somehow I don’t think she saw it that way and I never should have assumed she did.

With that in mind, I have had to learn which of my friends will take more than I am happy or willing to give, (money, time, babysitting… and learn to practise saying no to them.) I have learned which of my friends feels it is fiercely important that she pays for herself to the cent, (no more and no less) and which of them feels similarly to me in that they will offer to pay when they want to and I will offer to pay when I want to and the rest of the time we will pay for ourselves or just split the bill 50 50. Even if I did order a cocktail but didn’t have any garlic bread! Lol I know who enjoys lots of small thoughtful gifts, who enjoys being spoiled, who prefers one more quality gift, and who prefers to keep the gifts under $30 (and just one please) and those who don’t like gifts at all either preferring an experience or just a nice card. These are important things to know, both for your boundaries and hers. We should discuss money. I don’t think it is a taboo that should be avoided in friendships. I do think we should learn how our friends operate so we can make sure we keep things comfortable.

About half of the fractured friendships stories people have shared with me have involved money. I have lost friends from not giving what they felt entitled to and from over giving. I have misread situations and indeed been let down by friends who didn’t make paying me back a priority, or who deceived me into paying when it later became clear they never had any intention of paying for themselves.  I have been used by people who exploited my generous nature, and I have been accused of using money to be controlling and hold power over someone….I have been judged both for what I spend and on whom and equally what I didn’t spend….

The truth is we will never agree with someone 100% on financial matters, and that’s ok. Learn to read your audience and act accordingly; with caution and honest communication and respect. If in doubt just pay your own way and stay within your budget. It’s financial not personal, so keep it that way. I value my friendships and I value my finances and I value keeping them separate! I’d appreciate it if you don’t judge our friendship on the amount of money I spend on you or with you and rather on the amount of time I spend on you or with you.  Time is the currency of friendship, not money.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Financial Friendship Equation

When crunching the proverbial numbers, to assess the cost and the value of our friendships, why does the equation: finances + friendships = fail?!

For starters, we were all raised with different morals and values around money. Added to that we all earn different amounts, have different living costs and our spending will reflect our own values, which vary from person to person.  

So what are the Financial Friendship Faux Pas?

Never ask to borrow money. If your friend wants to offer she will….

That said…. My advice is never loan your friends money either. If you must, then gift it to them. Even if you don’t actually tell them it is a gift. If you can’t afford to gift it to them, you can’t afford to lend it to them.  Many friendships have been broken by a friend who borrowed money and then did not pay it back – either at all or in a timely manner.

If you do borrow money from someone and don’t pay it back, all the while posting on Facebook about your lavish lifestyle, you will find yourself getting the cold shoulder pretty quickly. It is disrespectful. You cannot assume your friend doesn’t need the money for herself…The lender should not be expected to justify why she needs her money back in a hurry either! If you must borrow money, pay it back ASAP, regular payments (don’t make it the pink elephant in the room) and do not ask her again. Making it a pattern is poor form, she isn’t a bank! She may start to feel this is the only reason you stay friends with her, and could even abuse the power. True story.

Similarly, don’t be over generous either; it doesn’t seem genuine and nobody wants to feel bought nor pressured. If you invite someone and they say they can’t afford it, they may actually be politely trying to decline the event and your company! Plus you don’t want to seem like a show off or someone who needs to buy friends. 

Don’t assume to know what your friend can afford. Yes, maybe she has an investment property but that also means she has 2 mortgages, so you do the maths?! Focus on what you can afford not what she can or can’t. Don’t make judgements about where your friends should or shouldn’t spend their money. Don’t make snide comments or passive aggressive jokes about their finances. If you don’t want people telling you what you shouldn’t spend for example, you shouldn’t be passing judgement on what you perceive they should or shouldn’t spend either.

Don’t assume because she has something (money, time, services or belongings) that you need; that she should or will give it to you, even if she isn’t using it herself… what makes you entitled to it?

Your wedding? You pay. Travel, dresses, meals, hen’s. If you want her to pay then you respect her budget and keep your expectations low.

If, for example, your friend buys you both tickets to an event in the future – settle the terms there and then. Either with “Can I pay you cash on the night or would you rather I direct debit to you straight away (or on Thursday when I get paid?) If so what are your bank details? Alternatively you might say thanks so much, shall I get dinner and drinks on the night then, or would you rather I just pay for my ticket? Whatever you agree to, follow through, no excuses or justifications. Even if one costs more than the other, you agreed.  If you can’t make it to said event for some reason, pay your share, even though you didn’t go. It is your problem if you cancelled, not your friends. This is true even if she was originally planning to pay for your ticket as a gift. If you cancel it is your responsibility. Tickets, hotels, transport, whatever was pre-booked and arranged. Pay your share. Even if your friend found someone else to go with her in your place, they shouldn’t be expected to pay for taking your place unless you arranged it explicitly with them yourself.

Bring your purse. Nobody likes the surprise “oops I forgot my purse, can you get this one?” No. Go home and get your purse!! Especially if you tend to make this a sneaky habit. (Personally I tend to bring cash and only the approximate amount I expect to require for myself, because it helps me keep within my spending allowance, so often I don’t have enough cash to “cover” someone anyway. This is especially infuriating if it happens after the meal for example when the food has been eaten and someone has to pay! If you forgot your money, you best say so before you consume anything! I realise this may be a genuine mistake and a once off. If your friend covers you pay her back that same day if you can - you were planning to spend it and you did. It's not a buy now pay later, 20 months interest free situation!

Do have conversations about money and learn who values what. If you have a friend who values paying for every item she ordered to the cent then do it her way even if you would prefer to split the bill in half. If she feels uncomfortable spending more than $20 on gifts, respect that and don’t expect more than that in return or offer more than she specified, even if you generally do things differently with your other friends.

The person who wants or needs to spend less should always dictate the boundaries. She can’t (or wont) meet you in the middle by offering more, so you will have to meet her by offering and expecting less.

NEVER ask your colleagues for money. Just don’t do it. Especially if you are not friends with them outside the office/workplace. Honestly, why should they help you? Boundaries!

If you do ask someone and they say no, respect that. Don’t whine, guilt them or have an adult tantrum.

Don’t assume if they say no, or don’t offer, that they are not real friends and not helpful or don’t care. Your friends help you in ways they feel comfortable with. That may just be listening to you, or helping you with planning a better budget for yourself or buying you a coffee here and there. Just because a friend isn’t helping you the way you hoped and expected doesn’t mean she isn’t helping you the best way she can.

Don’t spend your money on drugs, alcohol and cigarettes or other frivolous items and then ask for money to pay the rent or feed the baby or fix the car. Priorities, if you can’t make your responsibilities a priority why should anyone else? 

If you value your friendships, then don’t place any monetary pressure, expectations or value on them. If friendship is an equation, don’t invest more of anything than you can afford and don’t take (or expect) more than they are willing to give. If they want to give you anything, they will. No requests will change that. 

The correct equation for friendship should be calculating quality time spent together not quantity of currency.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Workplace friendships; Friend or Foe?

Thank you universe for the recent inspiration! As I recently caught up with someone after quite some time apart, she casually mentioned a new topic for me to cover… workplace friendships. Do they help us or hinder us and our employers? We spend more time with them than anyone else… but are they REAL friends?

I listened as she described her blossoming friendship with another woman in her workplace. Although neither woman expected to become close friends, circumstances dictated that they had to work closely together and time together has this uncanny way of bringing people closer. This was no exception.

Her face lit up as she described this work friend. She admitted that despite her initial hesitance, it was a relief to have someone to trust, to collaborate with, and, at times, to use her friend as somewhat of a buffer between herself and other colleagues with whom she did not feel she had the same positive rapport. This was a place both women had to be every day and she admits that having a friendly face to chat to, and turn to for support was pretty invaluable. It seemed only natural that their friendship would spill over into their personal lives too. I don’t know if she noticed this, or placed any significance on the terminology she used, but she described this other woman, more than once, as her “best work friend.”

I wonder if there is any significance to the addition of the term “work” into the best friend concept? Are they real friends, or only friends with our work persona? Is it true that we compartmentalise our friendships into categories, and if so why? Best work friend, best female or male friend, best friend from high school, best mummy friend, best family friend, best childhood friend…. The list goes on. Are we our full selves with any of these friends, or only so far as sharing what is relevant to the role we play, or shared experiences past or present? How well do we really know these people outside of these roles and experiences, and how well do they really know us? How well should we know each other?

The last time I knew this person in any real way, she was indeed in need of a best female friend, preferring as a whole to gravitate towards male friendships. (Another post on this concept of women who prefer male friendships or avoid female friendship to follow.) I was genuinely delighted to hear she had formed such a strong and important friendship at work, being that much of her time, energy and self is invested there. She described all the positives of having someone at work, which extended to increased morale and productivity, if occasionally also bonding over joint disgruntlement over the management and politics of the workplace. The industry they are in doesn’t leave much room for friendships to lead to decreased productivity as each person has their separate role and work space to the others; so in this instance it was clear this friendship was nothing short of a sanity saver for her… and also for her friend.

It is all sounding positive so far, right? Unfortunately, things change.  Sometimes friends fall out and this can cause all sorts of discomfort, stress, distraction and the addition of other peoples unwelcome interjections, however well intended. Fortunately for her, this hadn’t happened. What has transpired is that her friend has decided to stop talking about the negatives of the workplace and instead leave it, and in effect; their friendship.

In the same manner as she had lit up when she had discussed this friend, her face fell when she disclosed this change. It was clear to me that this was impacting her on more than one level. Suddenly the prospect of facing the workplace alone seemed almost impossible. Her passion for the role had decreased and she had started to question her own choices – both her choice to remain in the workplace and past choices that she made which led her here. To add further complications to the situation, the place she used to work before this one, had now offered her friend a job.

She feels torn by this. She describes feeling happy in that previous workplace place in the past, however also takes a moment to note that she had her reasons for moving forwards too. There were conflicting feelings of regret at not making the same choice as her friend, but also acknowledging that her future must move forwards and not backwards. Now she is left to watch her friend be potentially happy there, and to question if her own reasons for leaving that very same work place were valid. She faces potential concerns that her friend will hear things about her from previous colleagues which may not be an accurate representation of her character. Would this alter her friend’s perception of her? Will there now be an added competitiveness to the friendship that did not exist before? Is that healthy? She has to wonder if the friendship will still hold its closeness now that they are no longer “circumstantially” spending as much time together, and, if her friend will still make the effort to maintain the connection they have built. Will she fall second place to her friend’s new colleagues? The friendship is in no way over, however, it starts to feel less solid and dependable than it was. There is a heaviness to it that did not exist before. Only time would tell if it was strong enough to carry the load. Both women are obviously hopeful and positive about the future, however we cannot escape the “convenience factor” I have discussed here before, and it’s power.

Added to this, her friend will need to be replaced with someone else at her current workplace; someone she will have to work closely with.  This unknown factor is also anxiety producing. Will they get along? If they don’t, how will she face the next year in the workplace feeling isolated and unheard and misunderstood? This uncertainty is already making her consider her options.

This is a great example of how pivotal friendships between women are. Even when we do nothing to influence the choices of our friends, our own choices still impact them deeply. Our friends have the power to change our lives, leave us questioning our own path, (for better or worse) increase or decrease our happiness and enthusiasm for work and life, and generally make life overall much easier. Just by existing. It’s amazing when you think about how important friendship is; yet at the same time how undervalued it is. This is particularly true in the workplace where friendships are often discouraged due to the negative implications or complications that can arise. The positives are widely overlooked.

In regards to this story, the question becomes this – was this person happier before this friendship formed? Before a sense of belonging mattered, or a sense of dependency existed and when a lack of this friendship was not missed? After all we cannot miss what we do not know….I think not. The positives of this friendship seem to have far outweighed the negative. Connectedness is the key to happiness, and is not something to ever shy away from. As a matter of fact it is something to strive for in all areas of our lives. This is ESPECIALLY true in the workplace as we spend more social hours there than any other single place. Our achievements in the field are closely linked with our sense of worth and confidence thus our productivity is greater and contentedness increased if we enjoy the people we work with. There is much to be said about enjoying your job. In my experience there is a direct correlation between enjoying the people and enjoying the job. You need work friends to be truly happy. Even if the friendships don’t extend beyond your time together in the employment, the friendships were still very real and valuable while they did exist.

In this instance, the lady concerned is considering having a child, so this change may be the very catalyst to the best thing that could ever happen to her. (Being a mother is her dream.) It is giving her the motivation she needs to make positive changes in her life and go after her own happiness in other areas outside of work.  Until then I am quietly confident that she will get along just fine with the new person and if not, she will reconsider her feelings towards other colleagues as circumstances bring them together. She did already mention her new “work wife” and a morning tea they enjoyed (endured?!) together to improve their relationship. Over cooked scone anyone? Lol

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Old friends Versus New Friends; “One is silver, one is gold.”

Yay! My first reader question: – Are people who have maintained the same friendships from primary school, or possibly high school, happier than those who have not?

Countless studies and articles exist to point out the importance of a person’s childhood friends. You never have to explain yourself or your situation to these friends. After all, they were right along with you for the ride. They know your family, they share most of your childhood experiences and memories and they have grown and changed with you, making them incomparable to any other friends. Nobody can deny your history or take that away from you. These friends can remind you who you really are when you have lost yourself….

Except… people do change…. childhood friends can also hold us back. They can become uncomfortable with changes we make, if those changes don’t fit with the idea of us they thought they knew.  In order to keep pushing the boundaries, to keep experiencing, experimenting and growing as people, we need new people in our lives. New people challenge us, introduce us to ideas, concepts, experiences and feelings we may never have known without them. New friends don’t hold us to an idea of who they think we are or who we should be, so there is more room for change and growth. New friends don’t have as many expectations of us… yet… because they are still learning who we are. It is with them that we continue to learn who we are for ourselves too.

Childhood friends are meant to be our “warts and all” friends. They will always be there for us…. so perhaps we don’t feel we have to try as hard with them. We tend to consider them low maintenance… That very thing can be a double edged sword though, can’t it? The amount of time we gave to these friends once upon a time was enough to create lifelong bonds, this is undeniable. After all, as children all we had, was time for our friends. As we grow older and take on more responsibilities and other relationships, we find the amount of time we have for friends diminishing year by year! This can mean we are either closed off to new friends, leaving us with only stuffy childhood friendships, which can allow us to stay feeling bored and unmotivated…. Or alternatively we may begin to neglect these older childhood friendships in preference of newer more exciting ones. When this happens, we need to invest much more time in the newer friendships to develop the bonds required for genuine connection… and we may be guilty of simply using our childhood friends as space fillers when our new friends are unavailable?

It is said that we only have the brain capacity to maintain a handful of close friends at any one time. It stands to reason then, that as we make a new friend later in life, one or two of our primary childhood friends can expect to get downgraded. Regardless of intention, it happens. From my own experience I can see the way I have downgraded older friends for newer ones… made a few trade – in’s… because the newer friends fit me better at the time I suppose. I can also see that I really hurt at least one childhood friend in doing this. It wasn’t my intention of course, but people change. I changed away from most of my old friends. Maybe because I didn’t know myself when they knew me, and they preferred it that way. Maybe because they didn’t know themselves either. Maybe because I didn’t really know or like the people they grew and changed into or vice versa…

Without question there is power in choosing one’s own friends! In our younger years, circumstance, convenience and parents made many of these choices for us…. When I fell out with my oldest friend a few years ago, I found that this friendship was actually not one I had chosen for myself. I hadn’t given it much conscious consideration before then… My mother had befriended this girl’s mother when we were 2 years old and thus we were expected to be friends based only on proximity, gender and age forever more?! Long story short, (long story to follow) this friend was chosen for me, I was not given any choice in the matter. I was her friend throughout childhood because my mother said so.

Which brings me to my next point about childhood friendships… even if we do get a choice in the matter…. perhaps we develop these friendships before we know who we are or what we want and to an extent maybe we get stuck together even as we grow apart. Often we don’t even question if we still like our childhood friends… or if we ever did. In my case this friend was made for me and I was not asked if I liked her. It seemed irrelevant to everyone…. Even me!

Old friends are great… assuming you like each other, and both still want to continue making the effort and the choice to stay friends, regardless of if the original choice was yours or not. You shouldn’t feel trapped, burdened or obligated. By old friends… or by new ones!

So what is the verdict? Old friends or new? It doesn’t actually matter! The important thing is not the quantity of friends, or the amount of years they have been in your life, it is the quality of the friends you have.  The important thing is that you have friends that meet your social emotional needs and that you feel happy and supported; that you allow room to challenge each other and grow and change as people. Stay conscious of your feelings. Do you still like your friends? If you find you are no longer enjoying your old friends, make new ones!
The old saying goes “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and one is gold.” It is a lovely sentiment, but even old friends were new once. Keep an open heart and an open mind and let people show you for themselves who is silver and who is gold.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Maybe old friends can be new friends again in the future! 

Hearing someone is akin to Healing someone

As part of my new year’s resolutions I wanted to make my writing more open and vulnerable, so hear is another attempt! I saw the quote "Hearing someone is healing them" as a meme on facebook somewhere (which I cannot find now! Typical!) but it resonated with me regarding a recent experience of mine, and feeling unheard.....

While I was recently describing to my husband the loneliness I had been feeling lately; he got defensive and immediately started listing off all the wonderful people I do have in my life. (Himself being top of the list!) Of course, he was right, but that did not appease my feelings of loneliness. Actually it only heightened my sense of feeling misunderstood, unheard and alone. Why? Because he was invalidating my emotions and trying to explain them away. He couldn’t accept that I was feeling that way. He couldn’t understand my feelings.

I tried to explain my feelings, and the fact that I wasn’t feeling heard, by him, or by anyone else at the moment. I expressed my confusion and frustration that my feelings were being minimised and I was basically being forced to recognise all the reasons I was wrong to feel that way. I told him 3 times that all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me it was ok to feel sad, that they understood.

He suggested I make another appointment with my psychologist! Men!  He just didn’t hear me. He needed to fix the problem. He doesn’t like it when I feel hurt and sad and alone. He finds it offensive even; because he is a very loving and attentive husband! He is communicative, and always wants to support me and lift me up. Unfortunately for him, he can’t always do that and just being with me while I am hurting isn’t his strong point.

That’s ok. I have often found women to be my soft place to fall when I am sad anyway. I turn to my friends when I need to express my sadness because they seem to be better at understanding and empathising. I don’t expect my husband to meet every single emotional need I have, nor should I. One person cannot be all things. I should remember this in my friendships too... 

So, I tried talking to friend A. Friend A is the friend who I can go to if I am having a bad hair day, or feeling insecure about myself in some way. We have known each other for close to 10 years and although I know listening isn’t her strong point, she is familiar enough with me to understand me and the way I respond to things. She was so great at empowering me (as she always is) and telling me all the ways in which I have improved this year, and all the wonderful things I have to look forward to. I appreciate her positive attitude so much, but I wasn’t ready to be positive yet. My loneliness increased. She wasn't the friend to "hear" me on this topic. 

So I tried talking to friend B. Friend B is the friend I turn to for some down time, to relax and unwind and enjoy some child free time together. Friend B is a relatively new friend, but she is a sensitive soul. She has often expressed her own need to feel comforted and understood, so I felt she might be able to give me the comforting that I needed.  Unfortunately, she didn’t make much room for me and my feelings in the conversation. She quickly reverted back to chatting about how unsympathetic her own partner is and went on to discuss all their current drama. This friend also wanted to point out what a great life and relationship I have and that she was envious. All though I know she genuinely means that as a compliment.... She basically said I have no place to complain. I felt even more disconnected than I did before we spoke. She was not the friend to "hear" my loneliness.

Friend C is lots of fun. I turn to her for a good laugh as she is always up for an adventure. I wanted to raise the issue with friend C. I feel that if I could open up and be more vulnerable with this friend she might be able to comfort me the way I need. Unfortunately this friend and I have only just reconciled. Although I had hoped she might recognise that I had reached out to her because I was feeling lonely - and she may therefore raise the issue; she didn’t. This friend isn’t the type to ask intrusive questions. She did ask me how I was and I regret not telling her the truth. I said I was doing well, because I am, but I had hoped she would show more interest so I could trust she wanted the whole truth and not just the pleasantries. She accepted the pleasantries and moved the conversation along. This is not her fault exclusively, it is a communication issue I must also address. Anyway, the timing wasn’t right for friend C to be my soft place to fall, especially when she didn't know I needed one. She was not the friend to "hear" me this time. 

I tried to talk to friend D about the issues at hand. Friend D is a wise logical friend. If you need practical assistance, she is your girl. Friend D listened and was attentive, however seemed unable to comprehend what I was trying to say. Friend D implied that I was over thinking things (I admit I am guilty of this) and that she didn’t know how I had the time to focus on such trivial matters. She didn’t say they were trivial but I felt that was the implication. Friend D is a very very busy woman, so I can see her perspective on this, however, I still felt invalidated and small for feeling the way I do. I laughed it off, but it didn’t feel particularly funny. Friend D, was not the person for the job of "hearing" me. 

Friend E is my one size fits all, jack of all trades friend. Friend E keeps me accountable for myself. Friend E is no nonsense.. yet somehow, also; full of nonsense! I always enjoy her contradictions.... Anyway, I was reluctant to mention this sense of loneliness to friend E. Friend E is someone I talk to nearly every day. I speak to her about everything – nothing is off limits with us and I adore that. We share so much of ourselves, our lives and our hearts with one another that I knew it could feel like a personal attack if I were to mention my loneliness to this friend. Alas I had to try because we do talk about everything! I explained to her that I had tried reaching my husband but that he hadn’t heard me, and nor had my other friends. This friend did show care and concern; she asked the reasons contributing to this feeling, and even stopped talking long enough to listen to my answer. It was a good start. However as I started to express the reasons, she almost angrily told me off for using those reasons to feel bad and bully myself. I felt myself shut down like a clam as I stared into my dinner and tried to deflect the conversation back to herself. My poor friend spent the rest of the evening trying to pry me back open, but we cut the evening pretty short because I suspect we both felt disconnected.

As expected with this friend, we discussed it when we got home. I expressed that I know she cares for me and has my back and wont allow me to bully myself or enable my pity parties and that I need that so much from her, but essentially I wanted a loving compassionate response of understanding. The thing with hurt feelings and sadness is the more you try and push, justify, rationalise or explain them away (or just plain ignore them,) the more they push to be heard. I just wanted someone to tell me they understood why I was feeling that way and let me believe I am not the world’s worst person for feeling sad when I have so much good in my life. I wasn’t ready to move on from the hurt because I needed to feel connected and understood and validated and heard in order to heal. In the parenting workshop I attended recently they called what I needed “Being With” (sadness) and most people, myself included struggle with this.

I knew the friend I wanted. Unfortunately she was also the friend that led me to writing this blog in the first place and the friend who could be the person I need if only she could find the time. Which she can’t. Still, I reached out to her anyway because I figured if I was feeling this disconnected and lonely, she probably was too. I was right. Unfortunately she couldn't see me for 2 weeks. However just knowing that she was going to see me and I was going to have that safe place seemed to be enough. By the time I saw her, this feeling had passed but I knew when I told her about it she would understand, she wouldn't tell me it’s stupid, trivial or that I am ungrateful. She will not throw facts at me, empower me, scold me, criticise me or be mad at me. She will gently guide me into drawing my own conclusions about how I can feel better instead of telling me off or telling me what to do. That is what I wanted in this scenario. 

Being aware of what I want and need and who I should go to for meeting these needs is important.  

None of my other friends were wrong, bad or deliberately insulting. Friend A empowers me so much, Friend B shares so much of herself with me in a way I admire, Friend C is so much fun to be around, and Friend D is super supportive and would do anything for you. Friend E actually sent me flowers a few weeks after this post was written, but before it was posted.) It occurred to me then, that once again, my expectation for people to respond to me in a certain way was letting me down rather than letting them all comfort and hear me in their own way. I do know they all care for me after all, or we wouldn't be friends in the first place. If I don't expect my husband to be all things, I shouldn't expect my friends to be able to give more than they can either. One is better for one need than the other, but none are of greater value.. just depends on the need. 

There are other friends I could have tried, but again, I didn’t see them that week. Time is cruel like that. Each of my friends has their strengths, things I enjoy about them, and I need them all in my life. That said I need to work harder at fostering a deeper sense of connection with them all. That might mean telling them and asking for what I need, it might mean being more vulnerable, it might mean not deflecting or waiting for permission to speak. It will mean getting to understand them better and know how they feel connected to people - to make sure they want to feel connected to me. And it will also mean staying open to new friendships with people who have both the ability and the time to meet my needs. Just as I thought my rotation was full, the universe points out there is always room for one more!

And, yes, I do know, that after all of that; my husband was right. I made another appointment for my psychologist. Haha Women!

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Abo Ngalonkulu

For my Mummy Tribe

A friend of mine recently posed the question “Do you feel motherly towards your friend’s kids?” I responded with a quick no, and said it was because she was more of a natural mother than I am. I believe this to be true, however on reflection I did spend a fair portion of that day caring for her young toddler and making sure he was ok. She was there, she could have done it, but instinct takes over and you just do parent/care for each other’s kids without thinking about it! This got me thinking….

I so enjoy my single childless friends. They are the ones with the time to share with me, the ones who remember to check in most frequently and the ones who still see me as a person outside of my domestic roles.

That said, during the long summer holidays with the kids, it is my mummy tribe that see me through and save my sanity! Why is it that these are the friends who seem undervalued, when they are the ones who carry me through the harder times?

These are the mums who spend countless hours at playgrounds with us, the ones who help deal with tantrums and toileting issues and remembered to bring sunscreen when you forgot. They are always there to catch any one of our kids when they fall, negotiate battles between our children and bring enough snacks for a small army.

I appreciate our weekly catch up’s, never more so than in the school holidays. I love that I know I can count on you to show up, just as exhausted as I am and try and wrangle our children together. I love that you understand the silences and don’t find them awkward, as we just enjoy a moment’s peace with some caffeine.  I appreciate that I can check my phone and not offend you because you also are desperate to respond to that email or whatever.

Thank you for showing up in the hard times, even if it is just because you have to, for your own sanity! I know I am just as important to you as you are to me.  You watch my kids while I pee and I watch yours while you make that important phone call. Thank you for never judging me, my parenting or my kids and understanding we are all just doing the best we can to get by.

Thank you for sharing great child friendly deals, vouchers and places with me and filling our days, because you understand how hard it is to be home alone with the children all day. I don’t thank you enough. You are my tribe and just like in the wild, we come together as female animals and raise the kids together. It takes a village and all that. You guys are my village!  I imagine it like a net of hands being held underneath our kids; while the children play on top, and there is always room for one more. Instinctively we come together, maybe we don’t literally hold hands, (although I am open to this ladies!! Haha ) but we support one another and make room and time for one another without question. It’s a beautiful thing!

The reasons though, that I don’t appreciate you enough is because we spend so much time supporting each other that we don’t spend enough time connecting with each other. I’m sorry for that. Our conversations are so crowded with the kids, our domestic lives and struggles that there isn’t much time spent on really getting to know you as people outside of these roles the way I do with my childless friends.

At a time when I am most socially occupied with you all, every day for 2 months on end, I often notice I feel loneliest. I wonder if you feel the same way. Are we merely using each other as coping mechanisms instead of valuing each other and connecting? The potential is there, and I vow to explore that some more. I promise to talk to you more about your interests and hobbies instead of your meal plans and budget. I vow to put down my phone and fill those silences with connection rather than caffeine. I vow to still hold your hand, but also hold your heart.

Thank you for being my tribe, but more than that, thank you for being my friends. I look forward to getting to know you all better.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

I

I bet you think this post is about you, don't you?

Reading the signs

Boundaries. These are things we are supposed to use to protect ourselves, but I think sometimes we instead use them to push people away.

As I delve further into awareness, I become increasingly aware of the unspoken signs and boundaries people put in place to let me know when they do not consider me a friend, and do not wish to consider me one in the future.

I know for a fact that there are some of you reading this who think I don’t “get it.” I do! I feel the unfriendliness in your responses to me. I notice the short answers and or the somewhat abrupt although polite tone you use with me. I'm aware of your closed or limited body language and or eye contact. I notice when you reply in such a way that doesn’t invite more conversation. I feel your boundaries screaming at me not to come any closer, to go away.

You know, the reason you think I don’t get it, is because I persist with my over friendly nature that pushes you away. I pretend I don’t hear it and that it doesn’t hurt me. I am over friendly, flirtatious even, by nature. I enjoy people and I am not shy about telling them this. I enjoy some people who do not seem to enjoy me. I do notice and it does hurt me. But I don’t dislike them for it.

I can accept that I am too much for some people. I am too intense, too friendly, too nosey, too flirtatious (especially for the straight women!) too forward or whatever else they want to call me. I don’t let their feelings towards me colour my feelings for them. I am also learning not to take it personally. I think their unfriendliness is much more a reflection of themselves than myself.  If someone wants to be so focused on the fact that we are not friends, I have to wonder how they made any friends at all. It’s fairly unkind behaviour that makes me feel it’s wrong to want more friends. It’s not wrong, is it? How else, other than being friendly would one achieve this?

Why is my friendly nature so off putting to these people? Why does someone trying to be their friend trigger a very stand offish boundaried (there I go again making up words! Lol)  and cautious response? Equally, why does this unfriendly response trigger me to try harder when I have been consciously aware that this is the very thing that makes them pull away? Touché.

I can’t say I have it in me to be unfriendly, unless we have had a disagreement and I feel unfriendly towards someone. However in an attempt to have more respect for you and your boundaries, I will no longer push them. If you imply in your responses, with closed body language, vague responses, short uninviting messages, or lack of responses at all in some cases I will take the hint and leave you alone. So if you don’t hear from me again; it’s because you were unkind, unwelcoming and or unapproachable and you rejected my offer of friendship.  It is because you did hurt my feelings. I felt unworthy of your time, friendship and kindness. I want you to know that. I know you don’t care – after all you didn’t want to be friends, you wanted me to go away. You win… but you also lose, because I am a freakin’ great friend!

I am sure you have your reasons, and they probably don’t have anything to do with me at all. If any of my readers can relate to this, just know that a person’s unfriendliness or lack of engagement towards you is a reflection of themselves. Never let these people make you any less friendly or open to new people. My good friend and I refer to this as “crumbs.” Sweep them into our proverbial bakery (it has a theme song and everything!) and go get yourself a loaf. You deserve more.

If people want to use their boundaries to push you away, it’s (probably) not because you are awful and someone they need to be protected from. It is because they are not open to the possibilities. Keep being kind, and friendly… just with different people. Never stop telling people all the things you admire about them or what they mean to you, how much you enjoy them or how much you value them. The people who are worth keeping in your life will respond in kind. Those are your people. The other people aren’t but that doesn’t mean you have to waste energy disliking them back. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I Promise! Plus the way you conduct yourself is a reflection of you and you’ll feel better about yourself if you stay kind.

It’s sad for me to say I can list quite a few people who will feel this post is directed at them. If you are wondering if this post is directed at you…. the song ‘You’re so vain’ by Carly Simon comes to mind “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you?!...." Lol Relax. It’s not about you! If you did wonder though, that’s probably your guilty conscience telling you that you have indeed used boundaries to be unkind and push someone away for no good reason. Maybe it was me, or maybe it was someone else. Boundaries are meant to keep yourself safe, not to push other people away.  Were you really unsafe? Or just unkind? Think about it.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Krista Mangulsone

Back to Front

Ok. New years resolution - be more open, honest and vulnerable in my writing....(also write way shorter posts - but this one is LONG, because it needed to be. Respect! Sorry Readers!) So....
What brought me on this journey, and made me realise I wanted to bring attention to the topic of female friendship specifically? This is a question I am frequently asked and I usually politely say I noticed a pattern in my own social situations and those of my family and friends, and felt strongly that this issue was affecting women and nobody was talking about it. It’s not a lie, essentially it is 100% true….. However I feel I should come clean about the real catalyst. 

To do that, I must start at the back, when I was getting it all wrong, and lead you to the front where I am now. That’s a pretty accurate analogy for how I was conducting my friendships anyway. Back to front, like that time I tried on the dress in Cue, and came out of the dressing room with the long zip at the front of the dress. The woman in the store put on the straightest face she could manage and complimented me, adding she had never seen it worn back to front like that before but that it looked “interesting.” I tell you I couldn’t get back in that dressing room fast enough, to correct my mistake. I was soooo embarrassed. I literally had no idea it was back to front. Cringe! If only I could have found some sort of portal as an exit from the shop so I didn’t have to face that woman again. Needless to say I didn’t buy anything that day! Priceless! Essentially this blog is a bit like my dressing room for friendships, where I needed to take the time to get it right. I hope we can figure it out together readers. Welcome to my proverbial changing room. Be warned that like most fitting rooms, the lights are bright, the reflections are many, and we may see some reflections we don’t really like. It’s ok though. Relax. Breathe. We are going to change what we can and then learn to love all our angles, even the less flattering ones, because we are who we are. And we are wonderful! Honestly. 

Onto the story then….

After finding myself excluded from a group friendship, I was lost, confused, hurt and questioning my worth and my value. I found that despite having a very good, happy and full life, I was unable to escape this pain. The emptiness seemed to engulf me as my mind wandered over the details again and again. I tried to talk to my husband about it. Understanding and supportive as he is, his grasp on the depth of my emotional pain was loose, like a weak handshake that makes you instantly annoyed with the person on the other end of it. Other friends were supportive, however, some more than others, reluctant to get involved; and all in a hurry to drop the subject matter. There didn’t seem to be anybody to talk to, who could or would relate to this particular breed of heartbreak. Especially when taking into account the part I played in the deterioration of those friendships. Nobody wants to tell you if they think you got what you deserved. Certainly I don’t want to sit and play the victim. I was hurting, and so were my now ex friends. They lost something just as important as I did when our friendship ended. Let’s just say that it ended badly and didn’t reflect particularly well on any of us…(I have written about it in this blog before if you do want the details.)

So anyway, where do you turn when you have nobody to talk to? Yup, a psychologist. They have to listen and validate you, because that’s what you pay them for!!  And being able to acknowledge my pain over this ending was such an immense relief. I wanted and needed to feel accepted and understood and heard and not to be told I was making too much of a big deal out of something minor, which was the general consensus outside my therapy bubble. Therapy.  It’s emotional gold. (Physical gold for her. My psychologist drives a BMW. Enough said. She was going to keep cashing in on my pain as long as I would let her! Haha.) Along the way, these sessions became more about me than about the end of these friendships, and I started to feel stronger.

I felt hopeful when I shared a new connection with a woman who I felt could become someone very special to me. As I slowly opened up to her, and spoke of my experience with the other friends, she acknowledged my pain. She never made me feel immature, and never judged me. She let me feel whatever I felt. We discussed openly anything and everything as we each burrowed into the comfy little “friend love nest” we were building for two. The most beautiful thing about it, I feel, was that as we shared who we were with one another; we learned who we were for ourselves. As if for the first time, exposing our true selves. I was married and she was single, but aside from that, as luck would have it - we were pretty similar; even if she was the thinner, prettier, older and wiser twin. (It’s fair to say I idolised her somewhat) We understood what nobody else did. We thought the same way, sometimes the same thoughts. We spoke a secret shared language. We became the infamous BFF’S. 

I can now acknowledge, the more she saw me, validated me and loved me, the more I felt those things for myself. What a powerful elixir indeed. She was the best relationship I never had. We were not a couple. We were not romantically involved in any way. We were not in constant communication or contact. We usually caught up on her couch once a week or so and talked until the wee hours of the morning – venting about our week and whatever drama’s happened along the way. If she needed to call in between visits or I did, then we would, but mostly we saved it up for our girls’ nights. Both of us recall these times with genuine fondness. What I didn’t realise then, was that co-dependency was planting its seeds and sprouting all around us. If you are interested in the topic and want to know the signs of co-dependency, I read a brilliant article about it entitled “How to overcome emotional dependency” you can read here: I highly recommend you take a peek. 
https://www.howtoforgivepeople.com/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency

Apparently it can happen with anyone, especially those of us with limited self-esteem and self-awareness, and the most dangerous thing about it is that you might not even notice it exists until you are removed from the source. To directly quote the article
“Sliding into dependency will make you feel like a stalker the moment they change their minds about having you around.” 

I mentioned she was single. I wasn’t. It didn’t matter then, but it was naive to think it would never be an issue. Especially for people like me who struggle with change. The writing was on the wall. I was excited for her as she started her journey into online dating and enjoyed all the recounts of the dates; the good, the bad and the ugly. Eventually though, the dates became a relationship. I wasn’t worried, she loved me just as much as I loved her. I left my partner at home to share her company, I was sure she would do the same for me? I would be flexible and I would be rewarded, right…..? If only it were that simple. Because of his job, her schedule soon had to be dictated around his. This changed her availability significantly, and the frequency of our visits started to decline. That said, when he was working, I would be there, on her couch when she could make time. Unfortunately for me; I was now sharing her time more competitively with her other friends too, because the changes to her availability also meant trying to maintain the existing connections with other people in her life. (The audacity of her to try and maintain anyone besides me?! Lol) When we did manage to catch up, dating gossip turned into relationship venting, and although I didn’t see her as much anymore, (and the spaces between our chats and visits became longer) I tried to patch up the cracks with a healthy amount of denial and anxiously carry on. When we were together it was still as it always had been, we just didn’t see each other as often anymore. I felt very conflicted about this. Her engagement happened, and before you know it, she was moving in with him. This was good news for her, but I knew deep down, it was not good news for me. For us. She used to live close by, and now it is quite a lot further than that. Still I would happily leave my husband at home with the children when her fiancé was away and trek there. She was worth it. I still enjoyed our time together. (I still “needed” it. Ugh.) 

Basically the more she pulled away, the tighter I held on to her. I started to question her time and how she was using it, because if she had a spare second, she OWED it to me, you know?! I was turning to social media to confirm my suspicions that she was lying to me about her availability or lack thereof. When you stop seeing someone’s intentions as pure or positive, your perception of everything they say and do on Facebook can and will be used against them negatively! Trust me, it doesn't feel good for anybody involved. (If you find yourself doing this please stop!) Plans started to get postponed to times so far in advance that they are forgotten. Oh, I didn’t forget. Score keepers don’t forget!!! You better believe I was keeping score by now. Healthy. Not... Lol. And so this describes my slow decline into feeling like a stalker, just like the article said I would. I was a detective on the case looking for clues and confirmation of what I already knew. We were over. Alas, I was not going to be forgotten easily, or without a fight. 

It was my obsessive, sole mission, to fix this. When demanding answers or addressing the issue head on with her didn’t work, I turned to more underhanded methods. If there were a way to try and control or manipulate this situation into a favourable outcome for me, you bet your bottom dollar I tried it. All my efforts failed because you cannot force feelings. Most of the time you can’t explain them either. As my feelings and behaviours clearly demonstrated they can be difficult to control too. Pushing her for answers wasn’t helping. I was only pushing her further away. As far as she was concerned we were still best friends and her feelings for me hadn’t changed. Maybe this was true, but I no longer felt loved. Even if she did still love me, I no longer believed it. I felt abandoned, scared, alone, and as if we couldn’t be friends just because she said we were without her being actively involved in my life anymore. Resentment. I felt so much resentment for one of my favourite people in the world. That was an ugly shock. An ugly angle or reflection in the proverbial mirror. Like that roll of back fat I didn’t want to see! Ew. No amount of arguing my point, reaching out with gestures, frequent contact, no contact or any of the other ideas I found on the internet had worked. I was still desperately heart broken, to the point that both of us started to question at what point I had fallen in love with her? Surely a reaction this big could only mean I had been harbouring secret romantic feelings all along? How could I not know, how could she? Why did I only realise when it was all too late? I did love her, whatever that meant anymore, so how did it get so messy, so quickly? I didn’t understand myself. Along with continued counselling, I turned to books. Seems like the natural conclusion after all?  The smarts will be in the books. Lol. 

I read every book about female or just plain old friendships I could get my hands on. And something happened. I became so interested in the topic, and so fascinated by the things I was reading, I forgot why I was reading them. I realised I hadn’t read a single book that said everything I wanted it to say. I needed to write it. I started to read about self-esteem and co-dependency and triggers. I read about self-awareness and accountability. Accountability. I had been hell bent on holding my friend accountable for the betrayal she had bestowed on me by getting married (the nerve of that woman! Ha) that I hadn’t stopped to ask myself if I was being a good friend to her. Had I stopped to look at this from her perspective, thought about what she "needed" from me right now? No. She needed understanding, patience and the freedom and space to live her life without feeling like she was letting me down. Why did I feel like she was letting me down? Because my self-esteem was enmeshed in our friendship. I thought I NEEDED her to exist. To be happy.

My focus should never have been on her, or controlling or manipulating her actions towards me to coax her into meeting my "need." The only person I can control is myself - with effort I can control me, my perspective, my thoughts and my focus. My life. She was focused on her own life and happiness, and rightly so. Just because I was married already, did not mean I had no further purpose. I just hadn’t found it yet, obvious as it now seems. I was born for this and all my life has been practise, leading up to this conclusion.

My psychologist pointed out that whenever we have a really big reaction to something, it usually means a secret fear of ours about ourselves, a core belief, is being triggered. My secret fear was that I was unlovable, disposable, not worthy. And she triggered all of them, simply by creating space for herself to live her new life. What a powerful moment. To truly see that none of it was about me at all. To remove the power of those triggers, I need to work on those core beliefs about self. (And stop having an adult tantrum. Lol) I could choose to see it from her perspective. And if I could love myself, and be my own best friend, cliché as it sounds, I would never "need" her, or anyone else, ever again. (That is not to say I want to be alone with no people or friends, not at all. It just frees me from feeling that one particular person holds the key to my happiness as such.)

So I embark on this journey of accepting myself, forgiving myself, not blaming myself for other people’s choices, not limiting myself based on their choices and ultimately loving myself. I started to see my other friendship breakdowns in a new light, and understand some reactions from other people that I had not understood before. I saw some ugliness there too. Change the lighting in here, it is showing up every flaw?! The ugly truth was - I had done this to other women, and never even blinked an eye, oblivious to their pain, almost plain refusing to see it! This had come full circle. Oh how the mighty have fallen! (First her, then me! Lol)

My own experiences with female friendships alone were the basis of the book I am attempting to write, but why stop there? I want us all to share our experiences. I want your opinions. I want your stories. I realised I have something to say. That I have struggled with this issue my whole life and I need to use it to help other women struggling like I was. I realised that I was ok on my own. (Also that I was not actually on my own) I broke free of the prison I had locked myself into by thinking I needed her to be happy or loved or to exist.  There is not that many books on the topic, not enough articles, and most of the self-esteem sites etc… focus on romantic relationships. Well my issue has never been with romantic relationships.  I think a lot of women, people, friends, can relate to this, although it isn’t discussed. Yes, the things I explore can also apply to men and or romantic relationships for sure. Even just questioning when I fell in love with my best female friend, (I never did by the way!) raised some valid points, I feel, about the similarities between romantic and platonic love and the ways we define them. But that is another blog post all together. 

Now that I could finally see the beauty in letting her choose for herself, I could finally let go of her. Let go of my investment in our future. Stop stalking her social media and looking for signs if we were still friends or not. I want her in my life. I no longer "need" her there.  In fact I never did. But I believed I did. The human mind is a fragile thing. Be careful where you indulge it. 

Telling her about my book idea was terrifying. We were already so fragile. Would this break us? Would she feel it was a personal attack on her character? I was finally able to tell her because I no longer needed to fix us. I was going to do this if it broke us or not. What difference would it make to my life anyway, as she had long since left it (well, almost) to be on her own path? For the first time I am loving me, without needing her to do it first. Without needing anyone to do it first. For the first time in forever I feel like I have my own path, and I believe in myself enough to follow it and lead the way. 

It took me 2 years of thinking I was not ok without this person to realise I had been just fine all along. I still love her. She still loves me. It’s a gift to us both that I know this now, that I believe in it and feel it again. In fact, if anything, this has brought us closer together because I am not burdening her with my happiness, success, self-esteem and self-worth anymore.  With my existence. I never meant to put any of that on her, but I recognise now that is exactly what I did. I remember our co-dependency with great fondness, but I don’t miss it anymore. I don’t even want to go back to that unhealthy place.  My new mantra is “I got this. All on my own.” I’ve accepted responsibility and accountability for myself. Please come on this journey with me? The answers lie in the future, the lessons in the past.

While I am sorry for my strange obsessive behaviour, I don’t accept full responsibility for our issues. She and I have discussed this. There were things we could have both handled differently, better, for ourselves and for each other. We have fought, hugged, cried throughout this journey of self-discovery, and apologised for our mistakes. We have reached forgiveness. Nope. Bugger that, we have reached understanding. We have come full circle. And that is what friendship means. Getting through the hard times, by thinking more about her perspective, feelings, wants and needs than your own. (I am reluctant to still use the term “need” in relation to friendship, but there is yet another topic for discussion. Thank you universe! Lol)

This blog is for her. She knows who she is. Thank you for the love, the support, the kindness. For letting me exist when I didn’t think I could on my own and trying so hard to carry me when I got so heavy while you were trying to fly! (“Heavy” - AKA Intense, although rest assured weighty issues caused weight issues too! Haha) Thank you for understanding me the way you still do and for our ongoing friendship. You provided me the catalyst to change my life. You are my nothing, yet somehow, on some level, you are still my everything. Whatever happens from here, I will never forget you. I will always be grateful for you. You changed my life. I love you. Xx (And make sure you read my damned book! Lol) 

Love,

your Best Friend ForNever (BFFN)

Friendship "Resolutions" (Acronym)

Respect: Respect your friends and their time. Be mindful of their opinions, feelings, lifestyle, choices and goals, even if you don’t agree or understand.

Engage, empathise, and empower. Engage in a genuine way, stay present during conversations, make sure you are empathising and not sympathising. (To tell the difference, watch this short you tube here.) Empower your friends. Tell them their strengths, support their goals and dreams. Instead of being annoyed by certain traits such as a friend who takes too many selfies or talks about her pregnancy, baby/children or career too much empower her by pointing out how beautiful and inspiring she looks, how excited you are about her baby, how much you enjoy watching her blossom as a parent and hearing and sharing in the joys and successes of her kids, or how inspired you feel at her determination to succeed at work. Be positive instead of negative in your thoughts, words and intentions, when she is with you and when she is not. 

Support, self esteem and self awareness.  Support your friend and her situation, regardless of her circumstances, while being conscious not to enable bad behaviours, patterns, relationships or choices. Be true to yourself, be aware of yourself, your needs and your values. Be authentically and fully yourself and let your friends know what you need to feel connected.

Optimise. Make the most of any and all time you get with your friends. Don’t spend your time together on your phone or tending to other obligations.

Love and listen. Love yourself and your friends. Listen to your needs, intuition, and their words. Ask questions about them and show interest in their answers. Try not to turn the conversation around to yourself constantly.

Understand. Do your best to understand your friends. This extends to their values, their needs, their situations and circumstances and their feelings. Be conscious of understanding your own self and your own triggers and boundaries too.

Trust and time. Trust the positive intentions of your friends. Don’t go looking for reasons to blame them, look for ways you could improve the situations yourself. Make more time for your friends. Make it a priority to do something positive for your friendships and your social life at least once per week, however small. Let people know you are thinking of them when you can’t make time. Then make some ASAP.

Intimacy. Try to deepen or strengthen your intimacy in your friendships. Identify ways in which your friends feel more connected to you – do they need to be shown attention or asked about themselves? Do they need to feel fun and be invited to events and activities? Do they need you to engage their family? How do you feel more connected and how can you help foster a deeper connection?

Own your part. It is easy to play the victim and feel sorry for yourself, but we all play a role in allowing some situations that make us uncomfortable or upset. If you're focusing on what they can do to help you feel better; tell them and then ask yourself what you can do without them changing anything. You can only control yourself remember. 

New friends and never judge. Be open to making and fostering new friendships. Make a conscious effort not to judge your friends. New or old. Recognise and respect that your values, experiences and beliefs may be different; just listen and support your friends – you don’t need to question them, pressure them or fix them. Perspective allows you to recognise that just because you are right doesn't make someone else wrong. 

Speak and share. Don’t wait to be asked. Offer information about your life. Don’t make people guess what it is that you want to talk about. If something is important to you, be it a health issue, or a work issue, or just that you get to express how your day was, make sure you do. You may think that person should have asked you about whatever it is, but you’ll feel better once you express it and they listen regardless if you were asked or not. Assuming they do listen that is. If not refer to the point about new friends! If you don't speak because you were waiting to be asked or invited to speak, or if you say you are fine when you aren’t, or deflect when people do ask you – ultimately you may wonder why you feel lonely or misunderstood. I am guilty of this; post to coming soon. 

Happy New Year Peoples! Make 2017 Your own! What are your friendship resolutions? 

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image by Annie Spratt

Can you be friends with your ex?

So once upon a time there lived you, and a person you were fairly crazy about. At some point you imagined a future together and held big hopes that you had finally met your person. Or maybe you didn’t, but they did. Either way, it didn’t quite end up that way for one reason or another…

Maybe you have kids with this person and feel it would be in their best interests to stay friends with the ex. Maybe you or they offered friendship only halfheartedly as a way to soften the break up blow. Perhaps you have been together for so long that co-dependency creeps in making you unable to imagine a future without this person, even if the context is now different. It’s possible that all your friends were mutual and you feel it is for the greater good that you stay friends. For whatever reason, most of us have pondered staying friends with an ex.

In order to give readers some personal context, I should note that the only ex I have been able or willing to maintain a friendship with is female, however I do feel (I hope!) that if circumstances dictated necessity; that I could maintain a friendship with my husband post marriage too.

When I look at my situation with my ex girlfriend, and that of someone currently navigating the waters of being friends with an ex, or a few actually; 3 things stand out.

1. Time and Space. All emotional romantic investment must have dissipated – on BOTH sides. Where it hasn’t; BOTH people must respect the feelings of the other person more than they would any other friend without a shared romantic history. For example perhaps don’t go on and on about your new romance?

In my (admittedly limited) experience it is not possible to slide straight from a romantic context to a platonic one. When my ex, who I am very lucky to still call a close and valued friend, and I, tried to rush straight into friendship it was a disaster. We ended up tangled up in a messy web of hurt and jealousy and even a few more intimacies than platonic friends usually share. Clears throat! haha ;) My ex had the good sense to end it. I don’t know if she meant it when she asked me for “a year’s break” from each other so we could each have the space to figure out what we wanted and rediscover who we were without each other. However she asked me and I respected her enough to oblige. One year - No contact. 

After a year had passed, I contacted her again (I'm nothing if not persistent! A bit like a bad smell perhaps?! haha)  and we began our friendship all over again - on tender hooks. To be honest I don’t know if she thought I wouldn’t contact her again, and I don’t know if she herself would have reached out if I didn’t. It couldn’t be too intimate too soon, and the casual distant friendship that ensued between us as a result was awkward because there was so much intimacy before. Slowly we rebuilt our friendship, it was the only way. I don’t think we would be as close today as we are, if she had not asked for some space. We needed it to heal, grieve, and become ourselves again; she was right. We already knew each other inside out (Literally! Sorry for that mental image! Lol) but we had to learn new ways of interacting…. Which brings me swiftly to point number 2…

2. Boundaries. What was lacking when my ex and I first tried to be friends, was boundaries. Was it still acceptable for me to use her key card, or for her to sleep in my bed if we were now just friends? No. We had been so used to these patterns that it was hard to recognise they were unhelpful in terms of friendships. We could not continue to live together. We could not continue the same intimacies as we shared as a couple – physical, emotional or financial. We had to be 2 full separate people to be friends. We could no longer be co-dependent. For a time, we could no longer be friends at all and it was terrifying not knowing if we would be in each other’s lives at all in the future.

As a friend of mine is currently attempting some friendships with her exes, she struggles with the boundaries that get so easily compromised when we attempt friendships with the ex. Where there are clear boundaries with a person you have never been romantic with, they are not so clear in this situation. Can you live with an ex? If you do, how far should your loyalty to them extend? If you live with them and you also occasionally sleep with them, is it then a relationship again?

Whether you lived together or not; if you both consent and understand the new platonic context, can you still sleep with them without anybody getting hurt? Should you or will this only hold you or them back when you should be moving forward? Should you kiss them at midnight on new year’s?  Why is it so hard to maintain boundaries with an ex?  They certainly trigger us in ways our other friends don’t – passion, anger, jealousy, love, validation.

I am pretty sure my ex and I both understand and respect the new platonic context of our relationship. We do hug, yes, but not lingering hugs. We avoid heavy flirting, although inappropriate jokes here and there still do happen. We can discuss our innermost feelings because that emotional intimacy and trust is still there, and we just know when one of us is not ok. We are there for each other but not overly involved or invested. Boundaries!

I think number 3 is the best reason that my ex and I will stay friends, and why it is likely that my friend to whom I referred in point number 2 will probably manage to make friendship work with her exes. Actually she is currently on her third attempt at a friendship with one particular ex. That sounds crazy, right? I think there has to be something there though that keeps them coming back to each other. Is it Friendship or is it something more?  Watch this space! Whatever it is they clearly like and respect each other. Yes they were lovers, but more than that, they were friends. (Also they have had space after the second failed friendship attempt. Boundaries will determine what happens from here!)

3. Friendship.  The quality of the friendship that existed between you even when you were more than friends. Honestly the main reason it hasn’t happened with my other exes is because I can’t say we had strong friendships within the relationship. Perhaps we had passion and respect and love for each other but essentially without sex holding us together, we just didn’t know how to be together. Sad but true.  Maybe we actually didn’t really like each other that much… which would explain the “EX” factor! Lol.

This has proved true in my experience!

My ex-girlfriend however, was my best friend when we were together. If I had to liken some of my friends to family; she'd be up there.... Because she was a part of my family for many years. She gave so much of herself to me, and for me (and my family.) It took a while to enjoy family events without her at them, and she missed being there too. My family loved her, they still do. So we were able to put aside romance, sex, jealousies and resentments and just be there for each other because we cared enough to. We both wanted our friendship to work enough to make it work. (The hardest part of losing her was losing our friendship.) Rebuilding it was WORK! Even if that meant space, and rediscovering each other and not being as close for a long time. We endured all the uncomfortableness (spell check is telling me this isn't a word, but I'm claiming it!) and pain for each other, because our friendship is worth it. Boundaries and space were hard, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

I love you chick. You know who you are. I never stopped loving you and I never will. And I love that we have reached that safe space where I can say that to you and just know that you get it! You are still one of my biggest life supporters and this post is for you to honour our friendship. It hasn’t always been easy, but it was worth it. You are worth it. I haven’t always deserved your friendship and loyalty, your support and love. Our friendships is a reflection of the brilliant and forgiving person that you are and it is a gift I will treasure always.

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

5 meaningful gift ideas for your female friends this festive season

Yes, I am going to say it. A friendship collage. Ok, I know how immature and outdated that suggestion sounds, but a friend of mine gave me a friendship album last year – an old school friendship album filled with pics of us together, silly selfies we have taken and sent eachother, snap shots of messages we have sent each other, references to private jokes, and a very touching letter from her thanking me for my friendship and describing all the ways I have added value to her life. One of the best, most thoughtful, sentimental and meaningful gifts I have ever received. Also it’s inexpensive, although I imagine it took hours of planning and crafting which makes it even more valuable to me. Almost as valuable as my friend! She is a gift to my life for sure! 

Time. Agree to spend time together at a dinner or a lunch. Put everything else aside, write a nice card and just make your friend a priority. Time is the best gift you can give someone.

Jewellery. Another heart - warming gift I received was a bracelet engraved with the term “Friendship reaches for your hand but touches your heart.” One of my close friends once received one earring. When my friend and the giver of the earring get together they make the effort to wear the matching side, to symbolise their being a pair. You could go the traditional best friend necklace, or each wear a matching chain with a ring engraved with each other’s names. It can be as unique as you are, and doesn’t have to be expensive.

Engraved goods. One year I got someone a make up kit and in it was a silver mirror which I had engraved with the term “Love us” (which is our slogan created largely by auto correct that we have embraced.) I know every time she uses it to look fabulous she will also feel fabulous at the reminder of our friendship!

Tickets for you and your friend to an event, show or day spa for example. Not only are you demonstrating your awesome knowledge of your friends taste in leisure activities, you are also planning an event to spend time together and create memories that will hold your friendship together. (If your friend has kids and it is possible for you to take care of the babysitting arrangements too, you get brownie points!)

Sure you could get her her favourite perfume, “a mixed tape,” a hair straightener, clothes, kitchen things, chocolates or that quirky art piece that you knew she would love, but whatever you give her, make sure it has sentimental value and expresses how much she really means to you. The real value is in the friendships not in the gifts. Thank her for her friendship – it is all the gift she needs.

Wishing you and all your friends all the best this festive season!

 ❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image By Roberto Nickson

Friendship – Terms and expressions of interest and expectation

I have recently had the pleasure of watching a close friend of mine branch out and attempt to make more meaningful connections with new women in her life, after many discussions in which we each acknowledged what powerfully positive relationships female friendships actually are.

It has been a curious journey to document and I notice the main thing that prevents my friend from fully experiencing satisfaction from these new friendships is her expectations of what it means to be a friend. In reflection this has also significantly impacted my own friendships too, and I imagine many of you can relate. I mean, when the term friendship is so subjective, and each person’s definition varies so much, how can we effectively manage our expectations of others, and their expectations of us as friends?

Although there are many valid ways of making friends; in this instance my friend met this new person in her life online. The first thing that stood out to me, when viewing this from an outside perspective, is that my friend instantly referred to the new person in her life as a new friend. This was the definition – before they had even met…. It instantly made me wonder what possible value the word “friend” holds when we use it to describe someone instantly after only one online conversation. When we use the word friend – do we really just use it as a cover all catch phrase to emphasise the non-romantic and non-familial bond we are looking to explore? Perhaps we do… but should we?

If this was a romantic bond forming, would we label someone we had spoken to only once online as a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, or lover? It seems unlikely. Why? Because when we are romantically interested in someone we realise that there is a period of spending time with that person for a while first to explore how well we fit into each other’s lives. To explore if our values are similar and to acknowledge that we don’t yet know that person well enough to say if we want them as permanent fixtures in our lives. It would usually be said in these circumstances that we are “seeing” someone, “dating” them or getting to know them more closely. Fair enough. Makes sense, right? (You see where I am going with this don’t you?!)

Why are there no such allowances and subcategories for friendships? Is it less important that we get to know them before we invest? Is it unnecessary that our values match? Do they not need to fit into our lives well? Why does the terminology matter? Expectation – that’s why. When we date someone, we are more open to exploring who a person is, and keep our expectations of them in check as a result. While you may expect a partner to collect you from the airport at 3am for example, you are unlikely to hold the same expectation of someone you are merely dating. Similarly, a person is less likely to expect an organ donation for example from a boyfriend or girlfriend however may hold higher expectations of a husband or wife. A romantic relationship progresses to signify the importance of the person and the relationship, and also to help everyone involved manage their expectations.

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By calling this new person a “friend” so soon, my friend had unacknowledged expectations of friendship, before she had spent enough time with the woman in question to know if she was a good match. This is not my friend's fault, but rather the lack of language around friendship in general. You may refer to the lady at the bus stop as a friend because you discuss the weather twice a week while you wait for the bus, and you use the same term to describe someone so powerfully meaningful to your life that you are not sure how you coped without him or her for the last few years. Ok, you may call the latter a ‘best” friend, but my point is still valid. One person has earned the title and the other is just trying it on for size. If that.

My friend keeps contact with her friends daily, if only to briefly check in. It is one of the ways in which she expresses her friendship. It seems my friend’s “new friend” may find this contact unnecessary or overwhelming – although without addressing it with her directly we are only guessing. What is clear is that while she was engaging before, suddenly she has stopped or changed her level of engagement. My friend and I have discussed at length the possible reasons for this: Could it be exhaustion from working long hours as a manager at a department store near the festive season? Perhaps it had something to do with the Christmas Party they attended together – did my friend say or do something that upset or embarrassed this new person? Does this new person, who happens to be a lesbian woman, have romantic feelings for my friend?  It’s speculation at best.

What we do know is that she was engaging before, then they attended a party together and this new person stopped engaging, and started being distant, then cancelled on pre-arranged plans leaving my friend with expensive tickets to a show and no plus one. (Which I very willingly and happily benefited from! Thanks!) It is important to note prior to this, although communication between the 2 women was frequent and engaging, both parties had cancelled at least once on the other, and my friend had seen this new person cancel plans on others too, but gave it little thought at the time.

My question is: if she had described this person by name, not as a friend or in any other way that implies ownership or references the relationship to self, (eg MY friend, MY ex, MY colleague etc…) would she have better been able to identify that this new person had flaky tendencies and accept that as part of her, or acknowledge she finds this behaviour unsettling and move on?

Why is it, when we make new friends anyway, that there is not a period where we consider leaving the relationship as we would in a romantic context? I suspect it is because most romantic relationships exist on a monogamous level and friendships do not. When we can only choose one person perhaps we are much more selective, but it stands to reason we should be equally selective with friends and acknowledge that not everyone we call a friend has earned the title, nor will they.

Should my friend forgive and forget? Should she have an open discussion about this change? Should she meet distance with distance? Should she end this friendship? All of that is up to her. What I hope she does is spends less time worrying about the disappointment and distance while spending more time cultivating existing relationships or trying more new ones because she is worth it. The most important thing my friend has learned (apart from being mindful to watch her own flaky tendencies) is that this is not a reflection of herself or her worthiness as a friend. It is simply a new person revealing more about who they are, which only happens in time, and any expectation was premature.

Maybe it’s fair to say we can’t really call someone a friend for at least a year; so we have had a chance to experience more of them under a range of different circumstances. Using the term prematurely can leave us feeling disappointed and also trapped in an unfulfilling relationship that perhaps never should have progressed to begin with?  For the first year should we just call people by name instead? And let their behaviour dictate their title in relation to self rather than prematurely projecting our expectations and individual definitions of friendship onto them and then feeling let down?

❤ Love

Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Image by Ian Schneider