FRelationships

So, in some conversations with a few different people recently, the topic of the FRelationships has come up. The term FRelationship can be used in a few contexts.

• ·         When you are technically married or in a romantic relationship, however tend to behave more as friends than lovers.
• ·         When you are technically in a friendship but tend to behave more like you are in a relationship.
• ·         When you used to be romantic, however broke up and remained friends…. Still behaving in similar ways to when you were in a romantic relationship.
• ·         When the status of the relationship is unclear to one or both of you, as nobody has defined the relationship
• ·         An intimate friendship that exists between 2 couples.
• ·         An unsuccessful attempt to turn a friendship into a relationship… where they do define it differently, but do not behave differently.
• ·         A casual sexual relationship between friends without commitment or long term potential.
  (Sourced from the Urban Dictionary: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Frelationship)

Let’s talk about these in more detail, shall we?

The first Frelationship, is the type you may find yourself in after a long term committed relationship. It started out romantically but seems to have dwindled somewhat to a stable platonic connection. I am a big believer in friendships within relationships and think it has to be an essential component… but remember you are in a romantic relationship and keeping the romance and spark going is essential for the health of your relationship. I am not only referring to sex, or feigned attempts at romance if your heart isn’t in it. If the romantic part of your love for your partner has ended, do you both a favour and set yourselves free to love again. If however, you want to save your relationship, make the effort to do something special for your partner that you would not do for just a friend. Remind them that you think of them and value them, and want to take care of them emotionally. Offer words and acts of positivity and appreciation regularly. Try not to stop kissing them, regardless of your sexual status.

Friendships and relationships require emotional intimacy. Save this before you become roommates. 

The next type of FRelationship on the list pertains to people who only share a platonic connection, however behave more like they are in a romance. They flirt, they attend events together, they may even live together. They are very comfortable with each other in an almost intoxicating way. What differentiates this from the last Frelationship on the list is that they do not share physical intimacy. They feel taking that step would make it a relationship. They may do intimate things, like dance together… infact their whole relationship is a subtle dance. One partner steps forward, with the innate trust, knowledge and or acceptance, that this will cause their partner to naturally take one step back. The problem with this FRelationship is that while it embodies a romantic relationship, it usually threatens that very thing. Other partners either can’t compete with the friendship, or the friendship is discarded when romantic entanglements ensue, only to be picked up again when those relationships fail. It can be dangerously addictive, however be careful not to use one another to fill a void or avoid yourselves or real relationships.

Speaking of real romantic relationships, that brings us to the type that exists because you used to be in one. With each other! You probably had separation anxieties and decided to straight away try and be friends. What usually happens after that is that you change the title of your relationship but forget to change your behaviours. Even if you are no longer physically intimate, the emotional intimacy and security is still there. It is preventing you from moving forward and letting go. Can you be friends with your ex? Yes, but it takes time, and space and change in your attitudes and behaviours. Your friendship is kind of stuck in limbo. Make your choice and act on it.

If you define the relationship as a friendship, make sure you act as friends. Friendly but not possesive or over invested. 

Alternatively, you may be in the reverse situation. You were friends, but decided to become a couple…. Unfortunately although you defined it differently, you neglected to change your behaviours. You might still find it strange to hold hands with them after a long friendship, or struggle to introduce them under the new title. Maybe there was a reason you didn’t progress to a relationship sooner? Often this happens because OTHER people, outside of your friendship have said you’d be great together and encouraged you to try. As you couldn’t see any real reason not to, you decided to go ahead. Ask yourself if the spark is there? If it isn’t, just be honest and go back to being friends. But do define that with the other person so they know they can start looking elsewhere. Embrace your friendship and at least you can say you know you tried.

What if you don’t actually know if you are in a relationship with someone? Perhaps you met online, went on a date or 2, but never kissed. You kept hanging out, but it seems more like friends than lovers because neither of you has made a move? Or maybe you were friends, then you kissed one night (maybe more) but never spoke of it again and kept hanging out as normal. You’d probably (not definitely) like to be in a romantic relationship, but you are too scared to talk about it or act on it. Unfortunately this is another stop in Limbo Land. What are you waiting for? A written invitation from the queen? I know you are scared, because the answer might be “No” but if that is true you are wasting your time anyway, romantically speaking. DTR. Define the relationship. Make the move or have the conversation, and find out if your energies are best invested elsewhere or if this is going somewhere. Anyone who tells you “I’m not ready yet” is hedging their bets and using you til someone better comes along. If they like you, they will know. If not, you have your answer. You can still be friends, but cool it!

Another way the term FRelationship exists is when you are part of a couple, and you have a very close friendship with another couple. It can be hard to tell sometimes who is partnered with who as you are all so close and do everything together. Maybe you should consider a quad relationship? (It’s a thing, google it?!) This is not an unhealthy FRelationship, just make sure you are getting quality couple time and quality time with other friends together and individually. The worst thing about these situations is that people sometimes lose their individual identity, so make sure you break out on your own occasionally too and look out for codependency.

The last way a FRelationship comes into play is when you are basically good friends with sexual benefits. You may or may not act like a couple, but you do share intimacies friends usually don’t. You know. Casual sex. Lol Basically you are using each other, which isn’t the worst thing if you are both using each other for the same things. However if one of you is hoping it will progress and the other is looking for more elsewhere it is a recipe for heartbreak. The Rhianna song “Rehab” covers it quite well when she says “The only problem is that you were using me, in a different way than I was using you.” If one partner is using the other for sex and money, while the other is using the first partner for pseudo love, comfort, affection and attention, then the latter stands to get very hurt.

RED FLAG. Time to DTR.... Honestly this time...

I personally have experienced almost all of these Frelationships, which I believe exist because relationships and friendships are so similar it can be hard not to blur the lines… or even know where the lines were to begin with. They can be lots of fun actually! Open and honest communication (even when it is difficult) and intentional boundaried behaviour are crucial here to make things work.  Have you had any Frelationships? What have your experiences been like? 

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends can break your heart too.

Recently as I was listening to a CD I once made for an (ex) friend for her birthday, the Gnash song “I love u, I hate u” featuring Olivie O’brien came on. One line from the song just lingered in my mind “Friends can break your heart too.”

When I think of all the heart break in my life, most of them have been from friendships if I am honest with you. I mean, the irony that the song was on the CD I made for an ex friend isn't lost on me! As I think back to it, the end was heart breaking, for us both! That’s a bold statement considering we haven’t spoken since it all went down, how would I even know what she was feeling? Because there was such love between us that it feels impossible that she wouldn’t be as heart broken as I was I guess. And because I need to take responsibility and accountability for breaking her heart too.

So many women have broken my heart, but to play the victim would be inaccurate because regardless of who did what or who officially ended things, if we even know, at the end of the day, I have broken the heart of many women too. We don’t talk about this heart break nearly enough. We hide it, because we are not supposed to feel it, and quietly ruminate over it in the deepest darkest corners of our minds and hearts.

So today I wanted to talk about it, and some of the reasons I have broken the heart of women I loved deeply. It’s not always what you think, and it’s not always even about you. As they say, there really are 2 sides to every story.

Of course, for me, the most obvious conclusion is that one person had secret (or not so secret as the case may be) feelings a little deeper than friendship, and could no longer tolerate the sense of longing that comes from maintaining a closeness that feels simultaneously too close and too far away. That may cause the one with unrequited feelings to flee for any number of surface reasons, usually none of which relate to the root cause. Or it may cause the one who only wants platonic friendship to flee because the pressure to reciprocate or the guilt for not reciprocating is too great. 

Another obvious reason could be that, somewhere along the line, you have discovered that your values differ greatly to those of your friend, just making you incompatible. One of you may have been left feeling used, or just that time has passed, taking you in different directions, leaving you without much in common. It may end abruptly or slowly fade away quietly to nothing, but that doesn’t make it less heart breaking.

Then, of course, there are the less obvious reasons that a friendship may end. If your friend is doing something that she doesn’t feel she can talk to you about, chances are she will pull away for fear of judgement. This can be true even if you have always shared EVERYTHING without judgement in the past. Maybe she has tried to tell you whatever it is and you knowingly or otherwise shut her down. Or maybe she knows telling you would involve you in something that would put you in a terrible position. She might be doing something illegal or immoral and trying to protect you from the fallout, or she may just know what you are going to advise her to do, although she doesn’t want your advice, and is uninterested in following said advice. Sometimes when we can’t explain bad behaviour, we move away from people who hold us accountable for it.

Hopefully realising it probably wasn't about you will help

Speaking of protecting you… she may also be going through something. Health issues, relationship issues, mental issues, or family issues for example. If you are a particularly empathetic person, she may actually be trying not to involve you in her drama because it would hurt you to see her hurting. This might be because she doesn’t want you hurting, or it might be because she doesn’t have the emotional strength to deal with taking care of your upset and her own all at once. She may think hurting you with silence is better than telling you the truth. Alternatively she may know that if she told you it would cause you to become more involved in her life - albeit in a well intentioned way, when what she really craves is space to deal with whatever it is on her own. (Spell check is telling me intentioned isn't a word! It is now!! Lol)

Lastly, if someone feels that you are moving away from them emotionally it can cause them to lash out because they are hurting. If they are feeling insecure or threatened, for example, they may simply run away in an effort to try and avoid the rejection they feel from you. They may feel you have a new best friend, new interests which are taking you away from them, a new partner, a new job or location… or any other number of things they feel are threatening your bond. If they feel they are going to be rejected or abandoned eventually, they try to get in first and leave the friendship before you get a chance to hurt them first.  Sadly, this hurts everyone anyway, and usually brings on the very abandonment they feared?

As you can see, most of these reasons have nothing to do with you? Most of these reasons are about her, and what she is feeling, fearing or experiencing. You haven't failed her or been a terrible friend. So please stop hiding. There is no shame in heart break. It means you loved. And that is a beautiful thing, even if it didn’t last. If there was love in your friendship then it was true. Friends CAN break your heart too…. And they do. But they are worth it, and so are you!

If you have ever experienced a broken heart over a friendship, please know this is normal. It is ok. It may have been the first time, but it will probably not be the last time sad to say… Still, I truly believe friendships are worth it, so put yourself back out there and make amends or make new friends. Love. Learn. Live. Repeat. 

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Holding on VS letting go?

Sometimes letting go of a friendship feels like the right thing to do, or even at times, the only thing to do. This might happen after a falling out, or after some sudden realization that reveals that a friend, or the friendship itself, isn’t what you thought or hoped it was or would become.

However, most of the time, the thought of letting a friendship go is painful, and even at times unfathomable. Most of the time it feels like unequivocally the wrong thing to do. While there is an acceptance that romantic relationships in our lives come and go, there is an unspoken and unsettling assumption that we never have to let go of friendships. You wouldn't even contemplate it.... or would you?

At first it starts as a niggling feeling. You’re not too sure why, but suddenly you are not really looking forward to spending time with your friend. You may find yourself cancelling plans (or hoping she does) or claiming you are too busy to lock anything in with her right now. You feel annoyed, then guilty for feeling annoyed, if your friend messages you, even if she’s not asking for your time. When you finally do agree to spend time together, either because it has been quite a while since you saw her last, or because she has asked you so many times you ran out of plausible excuses, you dread it. When the time rolls around, seconds seem to turn into hours as time with her drags on. Conversation is stilted and you have no idea how you are going to find things to talk about for the next few hours.

Sometimes you and your friend are on the same page. You both feel the awkwardness and either talk it out, or withdraw from one another almost at a synchronized pace. Sadly, it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes your friend seems oblivious to the fact that you just don’t feel it anymore, and she is still excited by your friendship.

This in itself can be just as draining as you find her to be. Now you feel guilty and like a terrible friend. A terrible person. She really likes you and for no apparent reason, you don’t like her anymore. How can you explain it when she really hasn't done anything wrong... except to say that she really hasn't done anything right either? You must be a monster, right? Wrong. If you actually think about it, you probably still do like your friend. She is a great person, and you have likely spent countless hours building the rich friendship tapestry that now exists. Sadly, just because you still like someone though, doesn’t mean you haven’t grown apart or that you still have as much in common as you used to.

Having a rich history with someone isn’t a guarantee that the friendship will, or even should last the distance. It can, however, cause us to hold on a little too long, or cause resentments to build. Before that happens, you need to be honest with yourself. Do you want this person in your life in the future?

If the answer is yes, then rest assured long standing friendships wax and wane through the years. Sometimes your paths cross, and you have heaps in common, while at other times they diverge leaving some space between you. The strength in these friendships being that the positive vibes between you remain the same. If you feel your friendship is going through a bit of a difficult patch, there are a few things you could try to see it through.

If you usually catch up for a coffee and a chat, but find conversation is a bit strained at the moment, perhaps try going to see a movie, a concert or a show instead. Less talking is needed, and afterwards you can discuss what you just saw. If your tastes are very different, then you could try an activity you used to enjoy together such as bowling or mini golfing. Alternatively you could go to a comedy evening, a seminar or expo, park or zoo, or visit a psychic together. You could work together as a team in an escape room setting, or even just doing a jigsaw puzzle. Sometimes just injecting a little fun into the friendship is all it takes to remember how much you enjoy someone’s company. You are still spending time with your friend, even if quietly at times the activity excites you more than your friend does.

If that doesn’t appeal to you, or you don’t think it will work for you, then another tactic you could try is inviting your friend to more group settings and situations. Have a dinner party with some other friends who energise you and invite your pal along too. Not only might she make friends with your friends, but they may bring out new sides of her that even you haven’t seen before? Or perhaps suggest you both join a club together. A book club, a scrapbooking or crafting club, or even some cooking or exercise classes. Things which get you together, but also in social settings with others to help lighten the mood.

You might be very glad you took these steps in the future, when your friend is still in your life and you have made more memories together! If, however, you really feel like it is time to cut ties with your friend, that is ok. Don’t kid yourself that you are doing her a favour by being her friend if your heart isn’t in it anymore. You are robbing you both of the opportunity to spend time with people who you enjoy and who enjoy you.

If you think a prolonged period of space between you would benefit the friendship, but you don’t want to end it entirely (essentially keeping the doors, and your options, open) then this has to be achieved mutually, gradually and with enough positivity and love to sustain the break. This will mean genuinely showing interest in your friend on a regular basis, even if you are not interested in spending time together right now. A bit like a long distance friendship. This works beautifully if both people stick to the unspoken rules, however if one person is hurt and demands explanations, or if the withdrawal is sudden and unexplained, it wont work….. In which case it might be time to walk.

If it is time to walk, then have the talk. You can assure your friend that this doesn’t mean you don’t like her anymore, but that you need to move along with your life and you no longer feel there is a place for her in it right now. You can wish her well with genuine love and care, however, it will hurt – both of you. Sometimes letting go is painful, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong. It means you are growing. There is always a chance just having the talk will resolve the issue and you can find ways to reconnect together, but if not, at least you can say you tried.

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

When your partner doesn’t like your friends, or you having friends at all!

We probably all know at least one woman who falls off the face of the friendship planet when she gets a partner. This is particularly frustrating for those of us who are still single, mainly because we value friendships as one of the main sources of social connection; Or for those of us who are already in long term committed relationships, well past the honeymoon 'can’t get enough of each other' phase… because we have realised that our partner can’t be the only source of connection in our lives, and we don’t want them to be either. Who would we vent to about our partner?! Lol 

It is so easy to resent this friend for the apparent disregard to you or your friendship and feel really hurt and rejected. For the record I do not support this move in any way, shape or form….. however I do understand it. At first it is easy to give her the space and time we feel is appropriate to be all in love and stuff. Intense bonding is happening and we respect that and try to be supportive and not feel jealous or threatened.

After a while though, when our friend still hasn’t resurfaced, the blow can hit us hard, as we ponder what we did and if we were the only cast off? After we stop blaming ourselves, the blame lands pretty swiftly on our friend as we rewrite our once meaningful friendship to a meaningless time passer……

However, very rarely do we stop to consider her partner in all of this. Some women meet men (or women) who are not particularly social, who may be needy or possessive, and who either sulk when she goes out with her friends, or who spend the whole night blowing up her phone so she can’t actually enjoy any time away anyways.

THIS!

It’s possible that maybe her partner feels threatened by your closeness specifically, or perhaps he just isn’t really comfortable with the idea of her having friends at all. He may insist that she sees friends with him as opposed to on her own. This could potentially work if you also have a partner who happens to get along with hers…. Although this has almost never happened to me personally! Lol However if you don’t, you probably wont be able to really talk to her the way you would if he weren’t there and she definitely wont be able to discuss things like relationship issues with you if he is there listening in!

Many of my friends have reported that their partner relies on them solely for entertainment purposes and just don’t quite know what to do with themselves anymore when their other half goes out to play. It triggers all sorts of insecurities and fears. The boredom for the partner left at home allows for a negative thinking spiral and more often than not an argument ensues when she gets home. All of this can make your friend feel like catching up with her friends just isn’t worth the fight with her partner.

Another common complaint is that her partner may set strange limits or expectations on her friendships. He might not like her to see more than one friend a week, or for her to see the same friend more than one time a week for example. If she spends more time than he deems necessary with one friend she will be met with a million questions, accusations and suspicion.

Ladies, I know this is hard for you. I understand. This could happen so slowly that you don’t even notice your isolation before it’s too late and your friends have given up on you. But if this sounds like you, it is time for some honest conversations. Conversations with your partner, conversations with your friends and conversations with yourself!! The truth is, we all need friends. Outside of our relationships. Friends make us happy in a very unique way, and your happiness is important.

The first conversation with your partner should outline how you feel about them, to help them feel secure, but include what you need to make yourself happy too, and emphasize how important alone time with your friends is as a part of that equation. Make suggestions for ways they could spend their time when you are away and remind them that you are not responsible for their entertainment requirements. Suggest they spend time with their friends perhaps! You can’t be their only one. If they say they only need you, be sure and tell them that is flattering but too much pressure for any one person. Similarly they may feel you should only need them, so it is a good time to point out that we all have several needs that are best met by several different people.

The conversations with your friends wont be easier, sorry to say. To tell her you wont be spending as much time with her now because you have someone else is going to feel as careless as it sounds. But it is important that she understands you still WANT to spend time with her and you will still keep in touch with her, it’s just you have to consider your partners needs. When you tell her he makes it difficult for you to see other people she might well say that is a RED FLAG and an abuse tactic possessive eand controlling people use to isolate their victim in a subtle manner…..

And as caring and attentive and well meaning as your partner might be, that is where that self honesty comes in to play. Because your friend is right. It does not mean you can’t stay with your partner. It does mean you must resist the urge to stop spending time with other people and stop pandering to it if he or she sulks about it. You are allowed to have friends and you are entitled to be happy. If your partner loves you and feels secure in your relationship there is no need for this, and the best way around it is to remind them that you are your own person, that you don’t require their permission to see your friends and unless it is an emergency you don’t expect to hear from them when you spend time with other people. Once your partner understands you need friendships to be happy he or she should love you enough to grant you this freedom and not see it as a threat, but rather as a gift.  Below are the signs of emotional abuse, as described in this article in Mind Body Green on June 25 2014. 

AUSTRALIAN DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE: 1800 RESPECT/ 1800 737 732

To the ladies out there who have been seemingly abandoned by friends who found partners, please try and be understanding and forgiving. Your friend may be being isolated, and you being mad at her, however justified, only gives her partner more power. Please try and be patient, keep in touch, even when it seems she is uninterested and try not to take it personally. Don’t put your life on hold for her, but consider your friendship a little on hold and hope that in time your friendship will resume. Remember you can't tell her what to do or choose her partner for her, just as he can't choose her friends, but you can be there for her whatever happens.

So, leave the proverbial friendship door open, please? Many of you will say you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and you might be right, but as DR Phil always says, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" Sometimes it can’t be both.

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

Katy Perry PEARL, (with lyrics)
 

Friendship is no BIG deal

So I have been contemplating friendships and being there for each other through the big things in each other’s lives. The people we turn to when in crisis. It says a lot about your friendship if you feel able to lean on someone when life just gets too heavy.

I certainly do have friends I turn to in times of need, regardless of how much we have seen or spoken to one another in the interim.  These are the friends who you know you can call on when times get tough, and they will be there for you no matter what. While these friends are worth their weight in gold, they aren’t necessarily the only people you turn to even though you can, and they aren’t even necessarily the first people you turn to.

Fortunately, awful, difficult, heavy life situations, bring budding new closeness in friendships with unexpected people as a real silver lining! You know the lady you catch up for coffee with once a week before you do your grocery shopping? Or the ladies you chat to as you pick up your kids from school? The ones you don’t necessarily consider friends, more acquaintances that you see fairly often? More often than not THESE people are the first to know.

They say it takes on average, 80 hours of time spent together for a friendship to develop. So without realizing it, these people are becoming your friends. They see you often enough to interpret body language, facial expressions and general demeanor. When something seems off with you, they are probably the first people to notice and to ask.  Due to frequency and proximity, they may even be with you when you get the not so great news, whatever it is.

Before the day is done perhaps, you may notice that you have told many people, and none of them were the people who you felt you would definitely turn to. That’s not to say you wont turn to them. You probably will. However when they ask if there is anything they can do for you, you might already find an unexpected army of new friends already doing it for them.

The friends you can always count on are usually long standing friends. They have put in the hours already at some previous point in your life and have often moved away, literally or figuratively. You probably always boast to each other how great it is that you can rely on one another any time for any thing without much need for connection or communication in the gaps.  That is indeed true and I wont take away from that.

That said, in those gaps is where we find the people who are there for the little things and not just the big ones. We never have to “catch up” with these people because they are already actively involved and around in our day to day business. They are the ones who know we dropped the kids off for school in our pj’s this morning and the ones who know we had the inlaws over for dinner last week, and how stressful that was. It’s probably not something you spoke to your “big things” friend because the semantics of daily life aren’t your thing anymore. You feel you don’t NEED to keep in touch like that, so you kinda don’t bother.

The problem with this approach is that it can lessen your closeness. You start to question what is more valuable…. Someone who is there for the big stuff or someone who is there for the little stuff?  In my experience, the truest friendships seem to be the ones who are around for all the stuff. The ones who make the effort to at least communicate fairly regularly just for the sake of interest in what is or isn’t happening with you and to keep you similarly informed with regards to their own happenings.

Of course, turning to new people is a beautiful wonderful thing, especially when you learn that there are potential new close friendships you never imagined waiting to blossom at any moment all around you. Just don’t let these new friendships create even more space between you and your other older steady friends.  This can cause jealousies and resentments to flare that neither of you even knew were an issue before.

Your older friends may feel unneeded and resentful that you didn’t turn to them or that they weren’t the first to know, to which you may feel resentful and snap back that they are never around anymore so you didn’t think they cared. The issue isn’t one sided usually, it’s just that you have both dropped the ball a bit on the little things. Blaming each other is less helpful than acknowledging the issue and what you are going to do to change it.

Who you talk to becomes habit... so does who you no longer talk to... 

Essentially, big things are made out of a million little things and that includes friendships, so don’t neglect or overlook the importance of the little things unless you want big issues down the road.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you made any little mistakes that turned into big friendship problems or made any little confessions that turned into unexpected big friendships?

❤ Love
Your best Friend ForNever
xx

When you don’t bring out the best in each other.

I don’t like the word toxic for people, and even hesitate to use it to describe a friendship… I can however identify that over the years I have had several friendships where the person and I had some pretty negative patterns.

THIS. 

Ironically, some of these friendships were the most enjoyable ones for a time. Neither of us were terrible people, but a shared dark sense of humour, mixed in with a false sense of superiority (which probably masked an inferiority complex or something) meant that we didn’t always, or even usually bring out the best in one another.

The best thing about these types of friendships is that they are not socially acceptable. You are completely free with this type of person to speak all the terribly unfiltered thoughts and feelings that you have, about yourselves, about others and about situations which are probably totally reasonable, however didn’t work out in your favour. This in itself isn't bad, we all need friends like this, however.....

This type of friend isn’t usually one to help you see things more clearly or calm you down. She will validate you at all costs and you will return the favour. You turn a blind eye to each others faults and add fuel to indignant fires wherever possible! You spend hours talking each other up, or maybe talking others down. Usually both.

You are strong women, you do build each other up, but try and extend that to those around you too, and remember we can always be better. Keep trying to show your best selves x

It’s not all bad, you are a team and together you are invincible! She’s the first person you want to talk to when you are in crisis, have a bad day or someone merely ticks you off. You feel instantly happier once you have vented to her and been reassured that you are right and the world is wrong.

You may or may not speak in secret codes, but you certainly do speak in looks. One look and you both know exactly which person you are laughing at, judging, checking out or admiring. You laugh with this person a lot, and find it a relief that you can be your true self with her. There is an exclusivity to your friendship that seems almost sacred. You can’t imagine how you would ever cope without her in your life!

None of this is terrible. We all need someone in our corner to back us up, even when we are wrong. We all need someone to tell us that life is unfair and it sux before we are ready to suck it up and move forward. We all need someone who doesn’t judge us even at our weakest darkest moments. The problem with this particular friendship is that there isn’t much room for growth.

It can be the kind of friendship that allows, encourages and even enables us to stay stuck in negative patterns. While it IS the kind of friendship that loves you at your worst, it isn’t always the same kind that encourages you to be your best.  It can be the kind that protects you from personal responsibility, change or positivity.

It’s been true in my experiences of these friendships that they don’t last the distance, because people do grow and change, and when that happens the friendship can’t survive it. They feel like they will be never ending when you are in them, but as soon as the cracks start to show, almost always because suddenly and unexpectedly, you don't agree on a core issue; you instinctively know that the sh*t is about to hit the proverbial fan and you better run for cover!

The best thing about this friendship was that you never judged each other… right? There was no time for that, you were busy judging everyone else! Unfortunately that also means you have an intrinsic knowledge of exactly how the other person thinks and the harsh judgments they are suddenly going to cast over you.  Almost as a defense mechanism, you also view them in the harshest light possible and it becomes a slugging match.

Revealing the worst of yourself makes you particularly exposed and vulnerable. You have exposed your weakest spots, your weakest self to this person, and now they know exactly where to hit you. And hit you they will. It will hurt like hell, and you will give as good as you get.

That’s probably the worst part of it all. When it is all said and done, you feel terrible. About the person you were with her, about your true self, and about the vulgar way you just destroyed the person you loved more than anyone in the world. At first you’ll be angry. It’ll last a fair while. How dare she judge you when she is equally as awful as you are? Moreso even!!! You blame her for bringing out the worst in you and being a bad influence, to protect the fragile image of yourself. Slowly over time the hurt and anger fades. Eventually you forgive her, but forgiving yourself isn’t as easy. She’ll probably never forgive you. That’s what hurts the most.

Remember we all have a weak side to our personality. We all have dark thoughts, judge people however unfairly and occasionally laugh at things that aren’t really funny. Don’t let it define you, or your friend. You were good people essentially, you just forgot to encourage each other to be better.

If you have a friendship a bit like this, treasure it, but try to add some balance and perspective to it before it's too late. Accept each other at your worst, but always encourage each other to be your best. It really is as simple as that. If you can encourage each other to be the best people you can be, while accepting the worst parts of yourselves, you probably have yourself a winning combination.  You don't have to agree all the time, validate feelings, establish facts. Be gentle and kind and remind one another that while you love her at her worst, you want to see her at her best. 

To all my friends who didn’t bring out the best in me…. I forgive you. I know we are both better than what became of us. I hope you can forgive me one day too. I really feel I learned something from this and we were halfway there. That counts for something! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

These types of friends encourage us to be full on bitches. Friends with whom we only show our best are the fake friendships. Lets all be halfway bitches! Lol x

The order of things.

There is a GIRL CODE order for EVERYTHING! haha 

I have a friend who is currently going through a big life change. She contacted me to arrange a catch up, saying she had something she needed to talk to me about. Although I had a fair idea already what the issue was going to be, was still somewhat surprised when she broke the news. I asked her if this was confidential information.

Sharing confidences seems to me an integral part of female friendship. There is something special about feeling trusted at this level about personal ideas, issues and happenings of the life of a close friend. Also, when you share friends in common, the last thing you want to be doing is gossiping! This can be a tricky circumstance to navigate! On the one hand, the person entrusting you with the information expects that you will not be sharing it with the others, however some of the others will be upset to learn you knew and never said anything. What you share, with whom, and equally what you choose not to share, can really dictate where your loyalties lie. This is true whether you intended it to be or not!

Thankfully, my friend indicated that it wasn’t really confidential information, because everyone was going to find out soon enough anyway, but she wanted me to be one of the first to know, out of respect for our close friendship. She didn’t want me to hear it as secondhand information from someone else. I know it sounds silly, but I can’t deny that this meant something to me. Perhaps my friend just knows, understands and accommodates, how “sensitive” I can be to these perceived signs… but I don’t think I am alone in feeling this way. I would have been hurt not to hear it from her, even though I knew it was coming.

There is a certain order of things in female friendships that you must respect. It is mostly unspoken, yet widely accepted. Who is among the first to know is key. It is a symbol of how close you feel, and wish to stay with a person. Similarly, who you don’t tell speaks for itself too. It isn’t always a shock. If an acquaintance finds out through the grape vine, then she probably won’t be surprised or hurt by that. If however she thought you were close friends, your act of not telling her directly would put her in her proverbial place.  Weddings, for example, can be really damaging to women’s friendships for this reason too.

Although my friend said it wasn’t classified information, she also said she was going to start telling people soon. Out of respect for her, I said I would leave it to her to tell her story to the others. Telling them may have been misconstrued as gossip, either by her, or by anyone I told. Added to that, I may make my own inferences about the reasons based on private conversations I have had with my friend, that she may not want repeated to the others…. Or which she may not feel were accurate at all. Essentially it wasn’t my secret, nor my story to tell.

It wasn’t difficult per se, not to tell the others…. But I did wonder if I was crossing a different line in my other friendships by choosing NOT to share the information. The act of telling is just as indicative of trust is the act of not telling. Not telling to respect the person who told you, may result in disrespecting the person you chose not to share with.

Thankfully, after she told me, my friend swiftly started sharing the news with the others almost immediately. Because we are all mature adults, (or trying to be at least! Lol) the focus was on concern for our friend and not so heavily on when we were told, by whom. Of course, it did come up in conversation, but it doesn’t matter AS much if you were the first to know, as much as it matters if you were the LAST to know. Neither of us were, thankfully.

Of course, the conundrum doesn’t end there. Now you both know, and you know in what order you knew. Are you now allowed to discuss the issue? Is that gossip? Is that disrespectful? I won’t lie, myself and another friend did discuss it once we both knew of the status quo. However I feel we navigated the conversation pretty well. We expressed mutual feelings of surprise, concern and even happiness for our friend and directed the conversation towards more general topics surrounding the issue rather than focusing HEAVILY on the more private details of our friend’s situation.  She will tell us what she wants us to know.

When it comes to the order of things, you have to respect that someone else’s order is their own to choose. Their secrets are their own to share, stories are their own to tell and crosses are their own to bare. Do not get involved in someone else’s order. Think of what you would want them to do for you in similar circumstances. If you are close friends with someone else who isn’t being told, hopefully they will understand and respect the position you were in and think more highly of you for not speaking out of school than pressure you to break someone else’s confidence. After all, they wouldn’t want you to break theirs either.

When it comes to your own order of things, choose wisely. Do as my friend did and know that who you tell directly, and who are amongst the first to know, matter. Acknowledge who may be hurt if they hear it from someone else, and who is likely to keep your order and who isn’t. Be just as aware of what you say as what you do not say, and what this all implies. It sounds so complicated, but it really isn’t.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

WOOF

When I was an angsty teenager, this cute boy was my best friend. It just so happened he was a Labrador in that lifetime. His name was Brandy, although he was almost pure white, and mostly we called him Woof.  We called him that because he took the role of guard dog very seriously, unless the person at the door happened to be bringing foodstuffs, in which case they were welcomed. Lol

There is much to be said about friendships with animals, and I know quite a few people who actively prefer them. They are genuinely calmer, more forgiving, and always happy to see you, even when you haven’t been perfect. They don’t tend to hold grudges and they seem to intuitively know when you need some extra love and cuddles.

After I moved out of home, I left Woof at my parents place. It was his home, and by then he was really my dad’s best friend. I'm loyal hey? It's called ForNever for a reason people! Lol My girlfriend at the time got a kitten. His name was Garfield, although just like Brandy, we never called him that. I called him Kitty! It’s a thing in our family. My parents call me Missy. Always have. That isn’t my name! Lol Anyway, Kitty was my furbaby. Oh how much love and happiness that animal brought to my life. I know this sounds crazy but I always thought of him as one of my soulmates.

He made the cutest sounds, and he could do tricks. He was a big ginger fluff ball who greeted me every time I came home. He slept on my shoulder as often as he could even after he was WAY too big to fit there. He always knew when I was feeling sad, confused or lonely and somehow always made me feel better with his big loud purrs or feisty playfulness.

5 cat soulmates? Even better! Spoken like a true crazy cat lady! Lol 

Of course, in time both of these beautiful friends passed away. One of the worst things about animal friendships is their shorter lifespans. Although I missed them both, I went on to have actual babies, and I must say, they are far more challenging! My husband said he couldn’t live in a house without pets though and so he brought us Sox.

Our Son named him that when he was a baby, being that he is a black oriental looking cat, with white paws, he thought he was wearing socks! Awww. Interestingly a psychic once told me that Woof would come back to me in the form of a black animal in his next life. Being a bit superstitious I found that unlikely and stated that I would never have a black animal. She simply smiled and said “He’ll find you.”

Sox is so different from Kitty. He’s more timid and less social. He’s also more aggressive, and guards our house the way Woof used to. Sometimes he comes on walks with us. The other day, as he sat drooling and begging for food at the dinner table the way Woof used to, I suddenly remembered what the psychic had said to me all those years ago about Brandy coming back to me in the form of a black animal.

Haha. Probably how he feels about being a cat this time around! Lol 

I feel so happy to think that he has found me again, and that he is here to be a best friend for my children in their angsty years the way he was there for me. Someone to listen, to comfort them, to play with them and to eat their scraps!

When Brandy passed away, we had him cremated, and the inscription on his urn read “WOOF: Walk On Old Friend.” Even from beyond the grave he is helping me and sending me comforting messages.

To all the friendships that have died, and the friends who have walked away I say WOOF. Walk On Old Friends. I hope you will find me again sometime too… In this lifetime or another. If not, maybe I’ll find you. Look out! Lol

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

More than Friends.

NB: Post for partnered people. When friendly affection becomes an Affair. Emotionally and or physically.

The older we get, it seems the more we need to connect with our youth. Memory has this great way of holding on to all that was good, and letting go of all that was not. While we may have very successful, happy and content lives now, it seems fair to say we miss the excitement of days past.

With that, often comes the urge to reconnect with old friends and old flames. Of course there is genuine interest in how these people are now, and how their lives unfolded. Who they became, who they married, and if we fulfilled our dreams and expectations of this life.  Speaking to them again can make us feel young again as all the memories come flooding back.

Maybe it was 5 years ago, or maybe it was 50, either way, it seems to feel suddenly as if no time has passed at all. The flurry of excitement washes over us, and we feel excited. We feel young again. Some of us may have things to prove, wrongs to right, or deep seated feelings to confess. Some of us may want a second chance at a first impression, or to brag about how we exceeded in area’s nobody imagined possible. Some of us may just be feeling lonely and missing the ripe connections with people from long ago.  Our reasons are usually much more about ourselves than anybody else.

Whatever the reasons, it isn’t uncommon for us to reach out to these people, often online, and get caught up in a whirlwind of affectionate, if accelerated, bonding. We eagerly express how much we miss that person, how much we have thought of them over the years and exaggerate either how good or bad our lives are currently. The problem being, that it is easy to be who you want to be behind the screen, and things feel somehow like a fantasy that is dancing in reality.

It is all too easy to lose all interest in you real life, work, family, friends and partner in favour of being with a fantasy of someone you remember from long ago, and being someone you really aren’t either. You find yourself flirting. Nothing serious, just a compliment here or there. Harmless banter may ensue as you poke fun at each other and jointly reminisce. As you USED to know this person, you can easily skip past the awkward getting to know you stage of the friendship. All too quickly you settle into a deeply comfortable and intimate place, (reminds me of the cooking shows - "Here's one I prepared earlier!") and feel you can tell this person things you struggle to discuss in real life. You look forward to your interactions more and more, finding excuses to be online, stay late at the office or take business trips away from your REAL life.

When you notice you have started to think about this person a lot; when you start planning the next flirtatious thing you could say or look forward to hearing from them more than anyone else, or justify how easily you can talk to them and how much they understand you, you are in dangerous territory. It is easy to think this person knows you better than anyone, however they only know of you what you have told them. They are not a part of your daily life, they are an escape from it.

Although you wont like hearing this, that is what draws you to them. It is not about them and how wonderful they are, nor about reliving your youth. It is not even really about how wonderful they make you feel in your capacity to be there for them either. You are living in a bubble, but reality will soon burst it I’m afraid. What you really like about this person is the alternate reality (fantasy) that you are co-creating. If you’re honest you’d probably agree that the longterm potential in the real world would be just as limited as any other.

So, when has it moved past a friendly affection and into an affair? When you are confiding in them things you don’t confide to other people. When you are speaking to them about your partner instead of to your partner about them. When you are protecting the bubble and not welcoming this person into your actual reality.

Chances are, you may even be using each other as a counsellor somewhat. If you can relate to any of this, perhaps seek actual counselling. It is fair to say all friendships nurture confidences, but the friendships themselves should not feel private. The chances are you just like the attention. Feeling heard, feeling someone is excited by you, feeling interesting again. The problem isn’t that your partner doesn’t make you feel these things, the problem is that you have forgotten along the way that you are all those things. And that nobody can hear you if you don’t talk to them.

I am not insinuating all emotional affairs happen this way, nor that all connections with people from your youth are doomed. Friendships new and old should be celebrated, just make sure you are being honest, even just with yourself, along the way.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Apt for both people in the partnership at all times. x

Proud PRIDE friends and Allies. Rules for the straight gay dynamic.

Ok ladies, it was only a matter of time before I wrote this little gem! Lol The question, can lesbians and straight women be friends, is up there with the women and men phenomenon. I believe we can, yes! My experiences with straight women have been powerful, wonderful, confusing, heartbreaking and character building, but at the end of the day, many of my closest friends are heterosexual. Sigh. Lol

So what are the rules to making it work straight sisters? First up, tell your friend that you are straight. We want to know, don’t make us ask! That said, only tell us once. We speak the same language, there is no need to tell us every time we get together you homophobe! Lol We get it. You like men.  

Can you flirt with your friend? Yes. Should you? You shouldn’t, no. She shouldn’t either. But you both know you will! It’s all good fun, and generally harmless. It is ok to engage in fun flirtation here and there, but don’t take it too far and then get uncomfortable and throw the whole “You don’t have a d*ck” thing in our faces. It is body shaming and it isn’t ok. You knew what we had, (or didn’t have) when you started playing the flirty game, just the same as we knew you were straight. Let’s keep it fun. Oh, and DO NOT flirt with us for the attention of men. Just don’t. Your friend is not an accessory used to pick up men, only to be tossed aside when he shows you some interest. Also.... While I have your attention... Don’t flirt with, or get it on with each other either straight ladies, please? At least not for the attention of men. Lesbianism is a real thing, not a joke, we don’t want to encourage men to think of it as an invitation, ok?

This next point is important. I know you straight ladies often change clothes in front of each other. All my fantasies aside for a minute, (ok, it may take longer than a minute! Lol)  I have friends who allow me this pleasure…. I mean privilege! *Clears throat.* Lol I can still give objective advice on what looks good, even if we both know I think you look better in nothing at all. :o Joking aside though, this is a difficult one for us queer girls to navigate. Do we want to be included? Yes. (Understatement! Lol) But please be sensitive to the fact that we may feel embarrassed and be unsure on where to look exactly….. You don’t get to be naked and then upset when we notice that. We will notice! This is probably not the best time for flirtation, and we BOTH need to be mindful of that. (I know we still will, but don’t take it too far ok!)  I know you feel sexy and powerful, but keep in mind that may leave your friend feeling undesirable, powerless, small and ashamed. Not to mention frustrated as hell! Your friend’s sexuality isn’t a joke to her, nor is it a toy for you to play with. If you utilize it as a tool for your ego, this may come at great personal expense to your friend. If you know you queer friend has feelings for you, or if you suspect she does (you might be wrong, in fact, you probably are!) respect her and your friendship enough to keep your clothes on.

For the fellow lesbifriends out there, don’t try and get with your straight friends. If you want them to respect your sexuality, you have to respect theirs. If they want to get with you, they will. Lets be real though, they don’t want to. It is all fun, not games. If you want to play games, do so knowing everybody loses and nobody wins. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Don’t get addicted. Your friend is not a puzzle to be solved or a challenge to be conquered. You don’t need to play so hard if you play to the right audience.

For the straighties, please refrain from exploiting your friend’s feelings. She is not a place holder for a man, and she is not a back up plan. If you want her to buy you drinks and open doors for you, I hope you lead by example. Her crush on you is not “cute.” Please don’t minimize our feelings in this way. She is not a child, she is a grown woman with adult desires. The fact that you don’t reciprocate doesn’t mean you get to laugh in her face as if what she feels is silly. Think of that time the hot guy rejected you? I bet you didn’t find that cute or funny. It hurts ladies. Also, it’s embarrassing. Be real. If you have to reject your friend, do it gently, but clearly, then question if you did anything that may have given her false hope. If you did, stop doing it. Nothing else has to change. Allow herself or yourself space if either of you needs it, but know that you are still the same awesome people you were before. 

DO NOT GET DRUNK AND SLEEP TOGETHER. I know many of you will do this anyway, but you both know this is a terrible idea! If you must do it – straight ladies, don’t be a pillow princess, you best give it your best shot!

In essence it all boils down to care and respect. Treat your friend with the respect she deserves, and act in ways you think will be best for HER and not for you. That goes for all friendships really.

Have fun however you play it ladies… Just remember lesbians tend to be drawn to a straight girl like a moth to a flame, but when you play with fire, someone gets burnt.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Hahaha. Funny because it's true xx

Flirtation in Friendship

Ok, I was always going to write about this, even though I know many of you may not relate too well to this one. Still, I maintain it is relevant and important to discuss, however uncomfortably it sits in the air afterwards.

Oh, so true! Lol

It’s no secret that I am not heterosexual. This post is for those of you who are also queer, for lack of a better word in a broad context, or for those of you who call yourselves friends and allies of the Pride community. It is also for those of you who identify as heterosexual, but often find yourselves having the platonic butterflies referred to as a “Girlcrush.”  (A concept I embrace and encourage, but can’t say I fully understand! Lol)

Let’s start by discussing new friendships. You can’t deny that it is somewhat like dating, even if the idea makes you uncomfortable. You meet a girl, you like her, you admire her, you want her to like you. You want to invite her out or ask for her number, but you’re worried if she feels the same way, or if you will seem like a total loser in her eyes. You finally ask for her number and are super excited when you make the first date. Yes, I’m calling it that. Deal with it! Lol You try to look super cute, but not so cute that it looks like you tried to look cute, and you can’t stop smiling the whole date. You gush over how amazing and smart and sexy she is and tell her how much you love her style. Are you flirting? Yes, you are! Afterwards you wonder, should you text her? Is that weird? You really want to see her again. You get butterflies when she texts you back and says she had a great time, as you eagerly text back that you can’t wait to see her again….. The only thing that is different here, generally is that you aren’t calculating how soon you will sleep with her. You may or may not be jealous of her other friends and lovers. Haha

I am sure we can all agree that there is a fine line between friendliness and flirtation, and at best, most of us flirt with flirtation. Almost all my friends and I refer to each other using terms like “Hun, gorgeous, cupcake, sweets, babes, lovely… “and a whole other range of similar sweet talk. Conversations don’t shy away from the “I love you’s,” and it isn’t uncommon for us to remind each other “You are beautiful, sexy, hot etc…” (I really appreciate this straight friends. You know I lap it up, and I appreciate that you aren’t afraid to engage me in this way and trust that I know where the boundaries lie.)

In many ways, it makes sense that we flirt with our friends. By definition it is a harmless word meaning to show interest in someone or something, usually not seriously. Friendship is supposed to be the less serious relationship counterpart, so why not inject some fun and frivolity into it. How would we show people we are interested and that we like them without it? Liking someone is a concept best described with action and intent after all, in any context. 

Human nature dictates that we are drawn to people who like us, who make us feel good about ourselves, and flirtation seems a natural way to attract other people for any relationship, including friendship. Added to that, many of us may be in long term relationships, and just miss the playful harmless banter of new beginnings. Many of my friends probably feel safer in flirting with me, or other women in general, because the potential for that flirtation to progress into something more dangerous is limited. Therefore, flirting among friends is considered harmless fun, which makes everybody feel good.  This is, of course, assuming that there is no secret curiosities, or sexual intent at play. That is another post all together. Stay Tuned Folks! Lol

Sometimes I wonder if flirtation and friendship aren’t kinda the same thing, with one having more longevity than the other. I guess that is where the term “flirtationships” come from – meaning more than friends and less than lovers. Sometimes a flirtation can lead to a more deep and meaningful friendship, just as in relationships, and you may find the flirtation dies down in favour of deeper interactions. Sometimes the flirtation prevails and even hinders a closer relationship as one or both parties are unable or unwilling to be real and serious. My best flirtationships are the ones with a healthy dose of both cuteness and connection.

Flirtation should be fun for everyone. Don’t play with fire, or with people’s feelings. Be aware enough, of yourself and of your friends to know when it stops being cute and starts being cruel, or when it stops feeling friendly and starts to feel more like a fling.

Are you having any flirtationships?

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Hahaha. I can so relate to this! 

New friends help us explore new sides of ourselves

Being that I write a friendship blog, it shouldn’t surprise you that I am usually keen to explore new friendships. The newest friendship that is blossoming is just as exciting as any other. I am a little bit fascinated and very much in awe of this new person who seems so different, yet so the same as myself at the same time! It is always thrilling to get to know someone on a deeper level and challenging the misconceptions and conclusions you didn’t consciously know you’d drawn about them.

Example. My new friend seems quiet and somewhat reserved. After a recent catch up, near her home, she walked home as I drove. I passed her at the traffic lights with embarrassingly loud pop music blaring from my stereo. As I pulled the car to a stop, I sheepishly turned down the tunes…. When I got home I felt the need to apologise. Thinking she must think I was terribly immature and very much a try hard, I admitted that although I frequently blare music from my car like that, I was hoping she wouldn’t encounter that side of myself…. Also taking the time to justify that being in the car without my kids is one small freedom I still enjoy from my youth when the music I was listening to was actually still cool! Haha My new friend confessed she also frequently listens to loud music in her car. This REALLY surprised me. Lol I had her pegged as a much more demure type. Although I am quite certain the music she would enjoy would be much more cultured and alternative than the tunes I was rocking…. I wouldn’t know because I failed to ask. Sorry! (I did learn the name of a favourite band of hers and why she likes them. Does that count? I’m not totally narcissistic…. I hope! Lol.)

This new friend is also teaching me patience in letting her open up at her own pace.... 

That brings me to my next point in exploring this new friendship. It is highlighting to me all the ways my personality and friendship style are either different with her than with other people, or just different in general than what I believed myself to be. I love exploring the contradictions in people, always thinking I myself was too boring to have any. I don’t know what it is about this person in particular, but she has a way of making me feel much more dominant and extroverted than I would comfortably class myself as being.

I pride myself on being a good listener, with attention to detail and follow through on important issues. Not as good as this person though! Not even close! She blows me out of the water! Lol I feel I always ask questions (which I am learning can come across as intrusive over caring) and generally submit to the other person’s whims. Basically I feel like I am a quiet person, shy, who prefers to keep the limelight on other people as a general rule. Looking at our interactions honestly, I would be VERY surprised if my newest friend saw me in the same light I see myself!!

I notice that I have chosen the venue for the catch up’s, and without meaning to be overbearing, both times I spoke for this poor woman when we ordered at the counter. After the last catch up, I realised I had walked away having shared much of myself, but having learned very little about her. There were things I had wanted to ask her, but somehow I didn’t find the time between all my conversations about me!!! This new friend is very softly spoken, and although I have never considered myself to be loud or confident, somehow I feel like such an extrovert around her.

This does not sit well with me. In part because I want to be the friend I pride myself on being, and in part because it is uncomfortable for me to see myself in this way. I want to learn more about my new friend, and I want her to feel comfortable in opening up and sharing herself with me, however I am going to have to learn in this instance how to give her the space to exist in our friendship. I have discussed this with her and said that at our next catch up, at a venue of her choosing, where I will not order for her, because she has a voice, I want to learn more about herself. The venue she chose surprised me just as much as her admitting she likes loud music in her car. I love that there is so much to learn about her and challenging all the conclusions I have jumped to in an effort to categorise her mentally, however inaccurately. This intrigues me, and I want to reciprocate the attentive friendship she has offered. I really hope I can.

I also really hope I can explore and challenge my misconceptions of myself, or that it is in some way bad to be extroverted, or dominant. As long as I can still allow my friend to share herself, to feel heard and valued and validated, I look forward to accepting this newer side of my personality, that I hope exists through much work towards self love, esteem and acceptance, leading to a quiet confidence that I did not previously possess. I hope to enjoy this side of myself and stop being so uncomfortable with my own voice.

This new person definitely seems to increase my energy. I only hope it is not at the expense of draining her own... Something to be mindful of!

I’d really like to thank this new friend, for coming into my life and embracing all that I am, even when I don’t quite know what I am myself. For challenging my perceptions of herself, of myself and of friendships. For evoking a side of me I didn't really know existed. And to thank her for her patience and trusting in my positive intention although I am sure I have seemed overwhelming, overbearing, and intrusive. I'm sorry about that. I guess I am finding my voice. Let’s both make an effort to ensure it isn’t at the expense of your own?! I will try harder to make space for you to share with me, without actually asking and trust that you will share with me all that you want me to know. 

You are teaching me that friendships are as unique as the individuals in them. I have much to learn from you, and I will do my best to mirror you in order to allow our friendship to reach its full potential.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendships are important! I do value them!

Everything I’m not.

Have you ever had a friend who seemed more into the friend they thought you were than the friend you are? Or the friend they want you to be perhaps? Or maybe you’ve had the niggling feeling that your friend actually doesn’t much care who you are, as long as they can cling to the illusion that you are everything they want you to be?

It happens in love stories all the time, and friendship is no different. We meet someone and we are drawn to them. Sometimes we can list the qualities we are drawn to, and other times maybe it was simply how that person made us feel about ourselves that has us hooked. We start to view them through rose coloured glasses or associate them with the positive feelings we are having.

I have experienced this on both sides. I have seen in people what I wanted to see instead of what was actually there, and I have had people try to force me to be what they needed me to be instead of letting me be what I am. Neither thing worked out well.

I have had friends who seemed endlessly disappointed with me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to show them what it was they wanted to see. The problem being we were both so focused on what they wanted, that we couldn’t accept that I wasn’t it. I have had friends who needed me to validate them, their lifestyles, choices and relationships, but who couldn’t handle it if I was unable to agree with them on something along the way. They didn’t enjoy me as much as they enjoyed the positive reflection of themselves they saw in me.

I have had friends who needed a counsellor, but who were unable to listen or hear anything I actually said, about themselves or myself. I have had friends who value qualities in friendships that I just don’t offer. Having a conversation recently with one friend about her other friend, she commented that although this woman could be hard work, she was valuable because she was always there to loan money or other acts of service at a moments notice.  When I probed her for more information on what she valued about this particular friendship it dawned on me that she values everything I’m not as a friend.

It doesn’t mean our friendship doesn’t thrive, it does! The reason it does, is because we have both had to manage our expectations of the other person. We both have needs that our friendship doesn’t meet, and we don’t focus on those. We both have other friends that do meet these needs. Rather, we enjoy what we can and do share together instead of pushing it to be something that it isn’t. There are times, when each of us feels disappointed by the other, or envious of the other friendships we hold, but I love that we can come together and reassure eachother; “It’s not you, it’s her.”

What I mean by that, is explaining that the other person is meeting a need we have, without accusing each other of not meeting that need. When I realise for example that she values someone who loans her money, I instantly realise I’m glad she doesn’t come to me for that kind of support. Similarly, when she realises I am drawn to women who like to go out for an evening, she is relieved I don’t pester her to find babysitters to oblige that need.

It isn’t always easy to identify when you are pushing someone to be something, or even everything, that they aren’t. All I can tell you is to look out for feeling disappointed in a friendship, sometimes perpetually. Identify what it is that you hope they will do for you that they aren’t and what need is reflected there. Is your friend not making time for you? Do you need to feel more important to someone? Is your friend genuinely a super busy woman? If the answer is yes, look around you for someone less busy, and see if they will make more time for you. If they do, your need will be met, and your ability to appreciate the time your initial friend makes for you will be tenfold.

Sometimes someone does meet a need for a time, and then they suddenly stop. This hurts. We can cling to them and be angry and resentful that they have changed. Alas, people do grow and change. If we are feeling dramatic about it, perhaps it is because we are not growing with them or in the same direction as they are. Most likely it is because we associate that feeling with that person. They were always “our person” right? We need them to stay that way. The issue isn’t with your friend, but with your now unmet need and aggravated expectation of them to fill that need.

The problem with needing a certain person to make you feel a certain way is that then you need that person to be happy! It’s uncomfortable to admit, but there are other people who can make you feel happy, heard, validated, loved, excited, and supported or whatever else it was that this one friend made you feel. Let go of the idea that only that one person can make you happy and you will be instantly happier!

The veronica’s song “Everything I’m Not” comes to mind. “The girl, that you want, she is tearing us apart, because she’s everything, everything, I’m not.”  If you find that someone is disappointing you, or you are constantly disappointed in them, that is a pretty good sign that you are asking too much of that person, or that they are asking too much of you.

To my wonderful friends; thank you for taking me as I am, for accepting everything that I am and overlooking everything I’m not. I’m so glad you have other people in your lives to fill the cracks in what I am lacking, and I am so grateful to all of you for meeting the needs that you do meet of mine.

Don’t ask or expect anyone, including yourself to be anything, let alone everything that you are not! Know who you are and who they are and let that be enough for you both.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A friend in need is a friend indeed!

Have you ever heard of the expression “Fair weather friend?” It refers to a person who is only a good friend in times of positivity in your life, but cannot be relied upon during times of emotional storms, negativity or difficulty in your life.  I tend to question if these people aren’t really more friendly acquaintances than friends… surely they are there, emotionally, for the few they feel close with? Alas, we can only really judge someone by our experiences of them, and it is true to say “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” (Sneaky Billy Ocean Reference there… just because I can! Showing my age much!! Haha)

So, according to the urban dictionary, the opposite of this phenomenon, is called a “Foul weather friend.” This refers to a friend who is always there for you in the hard times, offering endless support, guidance and a shoulder to lean on. These people are always empathetic and willing to commiserate, yet somehow, when your luck improves, they aren’t around anymore. Looking back through the dust of the friendships in my history, I started to wonder…. Am I a foul weather friend?

It’s not lost on me that many people seem to turn to me in times of need. I never shy away from the real stuff, and do tend to believe that being there for one another through the difficult times is the crux of deep friendships, bringing us emotionally closer to one another. I also can’t deny that there is a certain pleasure (however dark) that comes from being wanted and needed. When you know what someone wants and needs to see, it is much easier to show it to them. I tend to view myself as a pretty empathetic person so it comes naturally to me to provide that type of support to a person in need. So, what happens then, when the situation changes and the person is no longer in strong need of support?

Is that when I exit stage left?! Maybe it is?! Ouch. The thing is, it doesn’t always play out that way, and it isn’t always my choice. Sometimes, the other person pulls away from me when things get easier for them. After all, they associate me now with the harder times, and it can be hard to find things to talk about when the main topic of conversation before was “the crisis.” It isn’t uncommon for me to then find I am cast aside in favour of more fun, light hearted company. Namely, their fair weather friends!  It also isn’t uncommon for these friends to yoyo back to me when they find themselves in stormy seas again. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that while these people were in a time of need, my level of friendship was comforting for them, however as they reached a healthier place and their need for me waned, they began to feel smothered by that same level of intensity. It’s a delicate balancing act on both sides I suppose.

Other times, it might be me who pulls away. It might be because I am exhausted, or because something has happened that caused me to change the way I see and subsequently feel about that person. Usually though, it is because the person in question has proved themselves to be unable to be there for me in my harder moments. I don’t expect someone can and will be there for me just because I was there for them, however, I think it is fair to move away from people who can’t be there for you. It is usually in favour of people who can be there.

A friendship that begins in crisis mode, or blossoms there, feels deep and meaningful. Once the crisis has resolved however, the small talk which was overlooked before in favour of deeper more pressing issues, can feel empty and meaningless. It can even be painful for both parties to endure as they struggle to understand how such a weighty friendship can suddenly feel so empty.  Essentially, sometimes the friendship served its purpose, and it is ok to let it go.

The most important thing to learn from all this is balance. Even if a friendship is in a heavy place, please make time to share lighter moments together. If your friend is having a tough time, don’t protect her from having to be there for you because you don’t feel your problems compare to her own. You will be doing your friendship a big disservice. Talk about the big things and the little things and everything in-between. Keep up to date on the day to day happenings, spend time going to fun places, and make room in all the areas of your life, not just the dark ones. It’s not a competition, but try and make sure you are each giving as much as you are getting, listening as much as talking and reaching out in roughly equal amounts.

Lastly, be grateful for your fair weather friends, and your foul weather friends, because we all need different things from different people at different times in our lives. I believe a good strong lasting friendship will be able to be both, but if it cannot, each of them still has their value.

Let's all try and be this type of friend. 

Instead of focusing on what you get from your friendships, focus on what you give. A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a needy friend drives you round the bend! Find the balance people! 

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Both types of friends have their value depending on the weather in your life. 

Copy of Friendship is the healthiest Easter treat, and it’s sweet like chocolate too!

Easter time is traditionally celebrated with family, and regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, usually celebrated with some form of chocolate! You know what else is sweet like chocolate? Friendship, and it has less calories and more health benefits too!

Many of us fail to reach out to friends over this period assuming that everyone else is too busy with family for time with friends. I know so many people who go away for the weekend to make the most of this extended time off with their partner, children and even extended families. This makes sense. However, some professions like police, hospital staff, prison workers, fire and emergency services and many other industries soldier on as usual.

For my family, that means my husband works. While I will still see our extended family on Easter Sunday, that leaves me with 3 days to play with on my own. It would be easy for me to assume all my friends are busy with family, and not reach out, however it is just as easy to reach out and see who is available.

I would much rather spend this time enjoying social activities with my friends than cleaning the house out of boredom. (Ok those of you who know me I have never in my life been “that bored!” haha)

So don’t assume everyone is busy. ASK! Maybe your friend’s partner has to work, or maybe they don’t have a partner or any family around, or maybe they will be home but not planning anything particularly special. Don’t wait to be invited, plan something for yourself. Maybe host a group gathering one day or see a few friends individually over a few days?  
This is one of the few times of year when MOST people do get a break and a bit of extra time to play with. What better way to spend it than playing with your friends? You know what goes well with chocolate and friendship? Wine. True story. 

However you spend it, I hope your Easter and your friendships are sweet and filled with love and laughter.

Happy Easter

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

 

Extroverts and Introverts. Can we be friends? With each other?!!

I have a friend who’s birthday is coming up soon, and as such we were recently discussing upcoming plans for her celebration. She couldn’t decide if it was best to host one big event, or if it would be more appropriate to hold separate gatherings. One for her work friends, one for her book club, one for her long standing friends etc….

I was happy and excited to help her come up with ideas for planning the event as she decided on a time, location and type of event that would be the most inclusive and convenient for everyone. It was important to her that people could feel free to bring their partners and children, and she herself could include her own fur babies. (Having recently stumbled upon this blog, (and being openly surprised that it was good?! Who knew I was funny and engaging?! Lol) she now says she will recognize herself by the reference to the fur babies. This is going to become a running joke, serving also to trick her into not knowing I am speaking about her when I don’t mention them?! Haha That’ll work, right?!...You're not the only one who can underestimate someone's intelligence! :P Bitchy yes, but she knows it's all in good fun! I hope.... haha)

Anyway, as she created the event and we carefully worded the invite she sent it out to all and sundry. Her phone buzzed all night long with eager responses, and we played with ideas of where to buy large quantities of foods to feed the masses on the day. Nothing seems out of place about this scenario, does it? Not at first glance, no. What you may find curious is that I myself, did not make it on to the invite list…. to a party I was helping (I use the term loosely) to plan, for literally every person she knows…. And their dogs! Haha  

Ok, admittedly this is more her than me... maybe I'm the extrovert? So confusing... Lol

I would tend to consider myself a bit introverted, or perhaps in the extreme moments with close friends, perhaps a slightly extroverted introvert. (I know I have at least one friend who is scoffing at the idea that I am an introvert and questioning if I know the meaning of the word! Lol I do, I promise! haha)  As my friend planned this big event, I pondered if my friend might be an extrovert. When I put this to her, she denied it, and we settled on an introverted extrovert to summarise her social character.  I love that she will entertain these conversations with me. I have always found this friend fascinating, and we have had difficulties in the past because I struggled to understand her social style.  It lead me to the question…. Can introverts and extroverts (or differing variations of the 2) make a friendship work?

I wont lie to you, and I am sure my friend would agree, it isn’t always easy. The idea of such a large gathering of people exhausts me, even in context of all of my own friends. I’d feel like I spent the whole event making sure I spoke to everybody and walk away feeling like I had spoken to nobody. As an introvert I prefer small groups, usually consisting of only myself and the other party. I thrive on deeper conversations and enjoy searching for the meaning of certain happenings and relationships. I feel you need that privacy to really get to know people, and to allow them to get to know you in return.

My friend, however, seems to be drawn to group situations. Where they drain me, they perhaps energise her. The fun light atmosphere is more welcoming, and engaging and not so heavily conversation focused, but event focused. Not everything about the idea appealed to my friend, and it did provoke some anxiety, for example, when thinking about the intermingling dynamics of all the sub groups, which is why she is perhaps a bit of an introverted extrovert. All the same, it became clearer to me in that moment how special our time together is.

I don’t make many concessions for my friend. I haven’t had to. Obviously if she had a wedding, or a baby shower or some other important life (group) event that she asked me to share in, I would make the effort to be there for her, however, for the most part, she understands me better than I have given her credit for in the past. I have had friends over the years, who disregarded my dislike of parties. They would invite me, insist that I attend then berate me for being so quiet and not having a “good time!” (The insinuation being that the only way to have a good time was to get almost poisonously drunk on tequila and dance around with a box on your head. Don’t ask. Lol) It is a gift to me that this particular friend does not invite me, nor expect me to attend, nor get upset when I decline to attend. (Well, I choose to think of it that way. Perhaps she is just too ashamed of me to introduce me to her other people?! Which is also entirely plausible! Haha)

Not only does my friend not invite me, but she will make time to celebrate her birthday with me all the same. With just her and I. She will engage in meaningful conversations, and yet bring enough extroverted energy to the table that we still share plenty of laughs to lighten the mood. (You know, because I'm so unfunny!! :P haha) She will tolerate it when I stay too late, and pretend to like everything I give her as a gift, (even though I have basically bought her all things I like, only in a colour she likes,) and turn a blind eye when I blog about the experience later.  (In return, I ignore it when her fur baby tries to suffocate me at the drive in or gnaw my limbs off at her house! Lol) She is not the kind of friend I can call on to see, or maybe even to speak to, every week. That kind of commitment makes her feel intolerably trapped, and I used to feel that she kept me at a distance because of this. To someone like me, time is closeness. Now I have to wonder if we are not actually already closer than I think…. In reflection it is possible she gives me more of herself than I appreciate.

To answer the question, can extroverts and introverts be friends? With some consideration of the other person and how they feel energized and drained, yes. As with all friendships, your best bet is to relate to the other person THEIR way and acknowledge their strengths, weaknesses, boundaries and limitations. I’ve never really acknowledged before the way my friend seamlessly accommodates my needs, probably at quite the cost to her own emotional energy, so here is a shout out to her for her patience. Thank you! I know sometimes I drain you, (sorry) or sometimes you just don’t have the energy for me. I understand.  In return I really manage my expectations of you, which I hope you equally appreciate. I no longer try to push (consciously) for more closeness than you are comfortable with and try very hard to go with your much more relaxed flow!

Happy Birthday Chick. Can't wait to hear all about your party, and I sincerely hope it goes well. I hope you find our friendship as enjoyable, rewarding and entertaining as I do, whatever it is, or wherever it falls in the circles. Maybe we are both just Ambiverts?! Lol (go on, google it, you know you want to?!) 

Keep smiling, and providing food for friendship thought!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Family First, Friends Always!

My brother; My friend. This post is for you. 

I can only write this from my own perspective, and I can only hope the rest of you have been as fortunate in the sibling stakes as I have been! I only have one sibling, an older brother. He is 6 years my senior, so I can’t say that he would share my perspective on ALL of these things, but I'd say in general he'd agree!

My parents very bravely emigrated here to Australia when my brother was 6 and my mother was pregnant with me. At the time, I guess my brother was feeling quite isolated when I was born, having been moved to the other side of the world from his pals. The way he tells it, they used to play space invaders or something at lunchtime and he genuinely believed they were saving the world. He really worried about how he would protect it without his crew!

I was probably a big disappointment to him. First off, I was a sister, and I’d guess he’d hoped for a brother. He has 2 boys now… be careful what you wish for! Haha He never would have survived the beatings boys give each other! Lol. Then, when I was old enough to play, I was interested in Barbie dolls, and not even remotely interested in silly games about space! Still, he sat with me anyway, playing dolls. He tolerated me messing around with his computer games, and even let me play with his new friends. In all his birthday party pictures, there I am, squeezing in.

I guess that is a pretty accurate metaphor for his life, which was probably quite nice before I came along. He was such a quiet peaceful natured child, that didn’t ask for much. Let’s just say I was the opposite. It was all about me! Looking back I can see how much time and energy I took from him and from my parents! Suddenly I understand why he was my mother’s favourite… he was less painful. Lol

My mother returned to work full-time when I started school. Although I have milked this for all it was worth, it probably did bring me and my brother happily closer. He had to step in a fair bit to help take care of me. While I am sure there were times when he resented this, and would rather have been chasing girls, I remember those times after school with fondness. We would pull out the couch cushions and make a boxing ring, or do flips from the exercise trampoline Santa brought me that I never would have used at all otherwise. We would devour packets of Anzac cookies and milk, and eat endless bits of hot toast that he diligently sat making piece after piece.

When I cried because I lost my keys in the school playground and I knew I’d be in big trouble, he took me back to school and spent hours digging through the sand with me looking for them. When we went sightseeing at cliffs, he held the back of my t-shirt and pulled me from the edge. When we went on the banana speed boat ride, he fell off when I did to make sure I didn’t drown. Even though I was 14. And I was wearing a life jacket. And I could swim. Lol He still does the same things now, only in different ways I guess. When I get myself in trouble he is always there in any capacity he can be, often breaking the rules or going against the grain to show his support.

As we got older, and I became less self-involved, (I said LESS, Ok! Lol) I hope I also became someone he could talk to, confide in and turn to for support. It’s not like we see each other often, we don’t. We don’t even really communicate that much, but knowing that you have someone in your corner til the ends of the earth is something else. Knowing we have each other, and may in time have only each other, makes us closer than people with larger extended families I guess.

My brother isn’t my best friend, but he was my first friend, is always my friend, is one of my closest friends, and essentially really the only one I will ever need and never lose. Thank you for being my big brother AaaOooo, and thank you for being my friend. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I’ve never had to and I never want to. There is a part of me who will always be your baby sister who needs you to help search for her keys on the playground. I hope you know I’ll be there to help you find your keys, or your way, anytime you need it, too.

Love you bro!

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Balancing Act....When it just feels NATural!

Just like any relationship, friendships are a balancing act. Give and take. Talking and listening. Fun times and serious ones. Finding time and making time. Reaching out and giving space. Growing close rather than being close.

Friendship IS one of life's greatest adventures!! 

Timing is crucial in this life, whether we like it or not. Sometimes, you meet the right people at the wrong times, and at other times you meet the wrong people at the right time. Both make beautiful disasters! Lol However the real magic begins when you meet the right people at the right time.

Sometimes we don’t realise we have met the right people at the wrong times, and they linger on the outer edges of our lives and our circles as friendly acquaintances. Unexpectedly one day, you might really connect, and grow a meaningful close friendship.

Just give the right people time to be in your life at the right time!

You may have guessed I am writing from experience here. Fairly recently, someone I had known from my years as a mother of toddlers called me out of the blue for a coffee. As timing would have it, fatefully, I happened to be walking right by the café she wanted to meet at that morning. I admit when I saw her number on the screen I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was happy all the same. It wasn’t the first intermittent catch up we had had over the years, and I had no expectation that this one would be any different. A friendly way to pass a mutually convenient morning.

What I can say, is that for the first time since we met, I walked away feeling like we had really connected. Like this person was suddenly my friend. And I was excited by that. Timing, conveniently, had placed our availability pretty mutually to allow for more catch ups in the months that followed and we relaxed into a happy supportive place. Although this was unexpected…. The timing in both our lives was right. I guess it never had been before.

As I had just embarked on this friendship journey at the time, I was very aware of trying to make this particular friendship with all the ingredients for a lifelong recipe. Only time will tell if I have gotten the measurements right, but for the first time I am being mindful of the time we spend together. We can and do talk about some pretty deep stuff when the times call for it. We talk about important boring stuff, health issues and share our joys and struggles around the “mum life.” We check in with each other after important occasions or happenings. We make time to go out for girls nights when the husbands take the kids, and times where we take the kids to hang out together. We can laugh, even in the moments of deep and dark conversations, and ask for fashion advice in the same conversations.

Maybe balanced is the wrong word, and safe, secure and reciprocal are better terms?

I am so grateful that this person called me for coffee that one fateful morning. She invited me into her life and into her heart that day and showed me that there are friends all around us waiting to sprout, under the right circumstances. There isn’t a thing about our friendship that I don’t cherish, it has actually really changed my life and the way I view friendships in a more rounded way.  I love how welcomed I feel around this person, and how safe and cherished and cared for she makes me feel.

This is one friendship that truly feels balanced. It feels equal. It feels natural. It feels reciprocal. It feels wonderful, and fateful.

This post is for you. To thank you for coming into my life at the right time and staying to show me a good time, and that these things can coexist. Thank you for always finding time, making time, spending time and being there all of the time.  (And for always stocking the things I like at your house. Maybe it is just a coincidence and we like the same things, lol, but I like to think of it as a gesture that I am welcome in your home and that you want to entice me there with food products. You know me well! Haha)

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Expressing your feelings VS Explaining them!

Recently I came across a life hack about finding solutions rather than finding yourself in arguments, and I thought to myself “Yeah, I could totally milk a blog outta that concept!" Lol And so, here we are! Stay with me…. Please? Haha

It’s such a simple concept really, as brilliant concepts tend to be! Let’s explore an argument. When I reflect on all the arguments I have had over the years, with friends, family and lovers alike, the appropriate words that come to mind are: Heated. Emotional. Charged. Irrational. (Them. Not me! Lol.) None of these same words apply to the concept of an explanation.

I know as well as anyone that it is near impossible to fight emotions with rationale or logic. Why is that? Because an explanation almost instantly takes away the power of expression when it comes to emotions, doesn’t it? It doesn’t feel as good to say “I am angry because you cancelled on me again and I feel vulnerable and scared that I am not important to you,” as it does to say “I hate how flaky you are, you’re so unreliable and don’t care about anyone but yourself.” Does it?! 

If however, we think it through to the next stage, it would be much easier to get the reassurance and support we require if we say the first thing rather than the latter. Explaining your feelings really lets the other person hear what you are feeling, and why, whereas, ironically, expressing them doesn’t?! I know, right?! If you express your feelings, the other party usually ends up feeling attacked, and defensive. If you explain them, you give the other party the chance to come nearer emotionally rather than pushing them further away.

If you express your feelings, they have gotten the better of you. The other party will definitely get the message that you are ANGRY but the reason behind it will probably be lost on them. As they are defensive, they will probably not be all that interested in hearing the reasons. This will only make for a frustratingly closed conversation, often with little resolve.

In my experience of arguments… which I wish was less extensive than it is on my emotional resume, it is only after the emotions dissipate that we are able to come back together. Somebody typically apologises and opens the lines of communication. It is only when the need to express the emotion has passed that we are able to explain it.

I’m not saying it will be an easy concept to apply, but I challenge us all to try to explain our emotions next time we start feeling overwhelmed by them. This is different to justifying them btw. Who among us has never “phoned a friend” to justify all the reasons we are upset about something someone has said or done to hurt us. The validation we receive adds fuel to the fire. If anyone tries to be logical, we refuse to hear them, because the emotion is dying to be expressed, heard and validated. We are not READY to be rational!

So how could we combat this? Perhaps we could reflect on a time when we did something that hurt someone and how much better we would have handled the situation if they had explained their anger rather than expressed it?! That would have felt much better for you, wouldn’t it? You might have felt more compassionate and open rather than defensive and closed.

Too often, when we feel overwhelming emotions, we don’t take the time, even within ourselves to explain them. Sure, we justify them, and all the reasons we are RIGHT to feel that way, and they were WRONG to act the way they did, but how will we ever come to common ground if our intention is to be in a superior position to our opponent, with whom we arguably want an equal relationship? It might feel good – giving you the power and the upper hand, but that puts the other person at a powerless disadvantage, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will fight you on it. Their sense of self depends on it! If you care for someone, in theory you want to protect their self image, as well as your image of them, right?

So next time you are feeling hurt and angry, I challenge you to write an essay – Why am I angry? Explain it to yourself. Sure, express all the emotion! Let it all out, how hurt and angry you are, then start with the justifications, but always ask why. Why do I feel this way, why am I so hurt? Why did they behave that way? Why am I jumping to the most negative conclusion? What do I want to happen now? Can I express that to them calmly? Let the emotion pass, then calmly bring up the issue.

If you feel yourself getting emotional again, simply tell the other person – I am getting too emotional to discuss this calmly… then remove yourself and rinse, wash, repeat! Chances are something else unexpectedly popped up that you need to mentally process and digest. A feeling, a thought, or new information. It is ok to take your time, the other things emotions do is cause a sense of urgency. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.

We can’t expect others to understand us when we don’t understand ourselves. The answer is within….

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The difference between finding time and making time for your friends and your friendships

I have written here about the importance, and even the helpfulness of convenience in friendships. I can’t and won’t try and deny it. It feels so good and effortless when you make friends with people in similar circumstances to yourself. Workplace friendships are a prime example of this. You both get paid to be in the same place at the same time…. And bonus, you really hit it off. It’s almost like you get paid to be friends!! Winning. You don't need to make time, you already found it. 

Unfortunately the down side is often reflected when you are no longer getting paid to be in the same place at the same time, and the friendship fails, fades, fractures or fizzles because neither of you made time for it. You were so used to “finding time” that was convenient, and it was too much hassle to make time.

We are ALL guilty of this sometimes. We tell ourselves that we DON’T HAVE TIME, and we make ourselves, and our friends believe it too. As a stay at home mum, I can’t deny how wonderful it feels when I make friends who are available to lunch with me during the day, while the kids are at school and the partners (if they exist) are at work. It’s no hassle to see them when it is convenient for everyone. Then, almost inevitably, my lunch buddies return to work, and suddenly it is much harder to see them, because I have to MAKE time. Previously we were finding time, that was mutually convenient. Does that make sense? Finding time is easy. Making time not so much!

When you make time for your friends and your friendships, you have to sacrifice time you would typically be devoting to something or someone else. You might technically be available to go out with your friend on Friday night for example…. Except that Friday nights are typically the nights you spend alone binge watching all the TV shows you recorded that week. You have to choose which is more important, and as stupid as it seems, more often than not TV wins. Lol 

Should you happen to live alone, and have similar taste in TV shows, this could be a win win situation and you could consider inviting your friend to join you, however when partners, children, shift work and other commitments come into play it can become a nightmare to make time. It has to become a bit of a juggling act, because you want to make time that is still mutually agreeable.  The more friends you invite to the proverbial party, the more obstacles you will face! Besides, if your friend is anything like me, she'll TALK all the way through said shows anyway, so just go out with her. It'll be less frustrating for you both! Haha

Ironically, many of us do this, (choose TV) then complain that we feel lonely. As much as I appreciate those women who can do lunch with me on a school day, I appreciate the times even more when I know they have made a conscious choice to spend time with me over anything else. We are all busy people. If we can agree on a time that is convenient for us both, that is great, but if we can’t, we may have to choose each other. We may have to move an appointment, leave our partner at home with the kids, or take an afternoon off work to spend time with one another.

As I mentioned recently, I remind myself to make time for friendships every Friday. Friendship Fridays because I am a big fan of alliteration! (A word I learned when my more intelligent friend pointed it out to me as I clumsily tried to express this word preference! haha) So each Friday, I think of someone who I should check in with, and make time to spend together. It might be the friend I saw a few days ago who is going through something, or a friend I haven’t seen in a few weeks, and should really see how she is doing. It does not mean I see a friend every Friday, it simply means I try to talk to my friends, and set up a plan to see them in person. I let them know I am thinking of them and that I care. It goes a long way. And it is relatively easy once it becomes habit. It is FINDING TIME to MAKE TIME!

Time goes to whatever we prioritise. What we prioritise, we plan. What we plan, we action, and what we action we MAKE time for. We are never too busy for what we really want to do, we just choose ourselves more often than we choose each other. This needs to change. Choose friendships, not lonelieness. Reality TV is still not real at the end of the day. Get out there and live your life and share it with the people that matter.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx